when we were all still single Parts II & III

ang pagpapatuloy....

Download this Fabcast (right click and save)

Download this Fabcast (right click and save)


Music credits:

Singles, Part 2

* Material Girl by Madonna
* Intro by The XX

Singles Part 3

* Learn To Be Lonely (live at the Oscars) by Beyonce
* Learn To Be Lonely (“The Phantom Of The Opera” Original Soundtrack) by Minnie Driver

Good Luck

im not sure but are people generally aware that the appropriate greeting for newly weds (newly committed) is 'best wishes'?

I myself used to interchange that with 'congratulations' until someone explained to me that even 'congratulations' sounds tacky. it connotes performance achievement. and that is not necessarily the best way of looking at personal relationships. like having 'earned' it somehow. working hard to finally be in a relationship or to get married. not very romantic, is it?

then there's 'good luck!' as a greeting. if people wish you 'good luck', they wish that luck is on your side. you will need it. the task at hand will be challenging. or the road difficult. and you will need all the luck you can muster.

this is hardly the appropriate greeting for someone in a new relationship. 'good luck because you'll need it, dear'. it's like walking towards imminent doom.

friends of PC, three of them, greeted him with 'good luck' when they learned he is now in a relationship... with cc.

wth? lol


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the paradox

in my journey as a gay Catholic man, i have passed through many junctures in my life where i felt choice had to be made between the two: being gay and remaining Catholic. this blog, and my friends, have witnessed the seemingly never-ending conceptual tussles i have had reconciling the two. and i have swung from one end to the other, thinking they represent two ends in my life-pendulum.

im now at a point where i realize that there is no reconciliation between the two. they will always stand on opposite grounds. but what has changed for me is that i do not have to be caught in between them anymore.

rather, my mind has grown larger to encompass both of them. i am both gay and Catholic and neither of the two either.

confusing? the label 'gay' describes my sexual behavior and preference but not all of it. the label 'Catholic' describes my faith and my behavior but, again, not all of it.

not identifying "me" with these labels exclusively allows me to explore a wider space where none of these labels are. and freed from that, i now see a horizon of co-existence, an intersection where none exists before.

and ultimately that intersection is where my peace lies.

if i could do that to those opposing ideas, i could probably do that to so many others and multiply my peace.

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man-crush: the gift of song

he first surprised me with an email of music he enjoyed. he sent a link to downloadable files of beautiful classical music. four albums he uploaded for me to enjoy. the accompanying letter was short but signed with affection.

the music was moving, exquisite, tender. as only classical music, specially piano music could be. i was utterly delighted. and amazed. he is only in his twenties yet he enjoys the beauty of old world music. i called him an old soul.

then, another surprise the following day. as i was in his area, he invited me to coffee finally! he made it before my self-imposed deadline. it seemed like he was ready to meet me.

and after having stared at his fb pictures for dozens of times, i will be finally seeing him face to face.

Location:Emilio Aguinaldo Hwy,Tagaytay City,Philippines

my coming out story again

im reposting my coming out story, told as part of my tribute to my mom during mother's day, 2008. this is in solidarity with theorgy's call for a september 1 a collective blogging event

unfortunately, i didnt sign up. sorry, theorgy. but id like to contribute anyway. so here goes...

Sunday, May 11, 2008

happy nanay day!

i'm probably one of the world's luckiest sons. and i say that with all objectivity. i have a nanay who's so Gloria Romero (def: barkada term for consenting mother, taken from the 80's sitcom Palibhasa Lalaki where Gloria played a drunken consenting motherhen). though she wasn't always as 'agreeable' to my life choices.

she has always been a housewife to my father, raising a brood of six kids as my dad visited his clinics. she honestly had to learn motherhood the hard way, having married at 22yo, and 4 brothers as siblings. and a polio victim at that.

but raised us she did! and we learned how to be OC-OC from her (def: obsessive compulsive disorder). she wanted order and cleanliness.

i guess she must have suspected of my PLU ways when i was more interested in my sister's Barbie dolls than in the toy machine gun tatay got for me. hihihi. (this period i outgrew my affection for girls and my yaya's boobs. hahaha) and in high school when my friends were all badings, she did say something like "hijo, yung mga barkada mo, para silang bakla. baka mahawa ka. ibahin mo na lang." i staunchly defended my barkada, for i loved them so. and she never mentioned them again. so coming out to her was really no big surprise.

but i assumed she went through denial. but there was no denying it anymore when my sister brought to her attention a letter i wrote to one of my friends. this was when i was in 1st year college. and the barkada had broken up (almost all of us went to different schools). so we would write letters to each other. and i stupidly left on the typewriter (!?!) my ultra, mega-bading letter to her, with all the gayspeak! yes. no more denying. she held a family caucus while i was going to mass. they confronted my blossoming sexual orientation. and agreed to support me but only after nanay and tatay had discussed this with me.

i noticed that week that something was amiss. i was being quietly avoided. which was fine with me. but come saturday afternoon, my mom asked to talk to me.

nanay on the kitchen table, 'nagpipili ng bigas' (def: the rice grains bought from the market didnt used to be as cleanly milled. one had to use flat shallow basket (bilao) to lay the grains out and pick the unmilled grains or the deformed ones for disposal). maintaining her composure, though i know she had been crying previously.

'anak, yung mga barkada mo... sila ba ay...' i finished the sentence for her... no, i cut her with an immediate reply: 'opo.. lahat kami bading.' 'aaah' she calmly responded.

'gusto mo ba ng tulong? baka gusto mo ng psychiatrist?'

'di po. natanggap ko na eto. kung dati, siguro, makakatulong yun. pero ngayon, acceptance na lang ang hihingiin ko.'

'eh pano yan, di ba kasalanan sa Diyos yan?'

'bahala na po ang Diyos sa akin. gusto ko lang na alam niyo na at di ko na kailangan i-lihim pa.'

'okay. sige hijo. tatapusin ko pa 'to.' i stood up and left.

that was the start of her acceptance of who i was, her first-born son, the son who carried both grandfathers' names in his own name, a true 'the Third'.

her life journey also took her to Opus Dei where she became an incorporator. OD calmed her down, gave her resilience and a barkada of her own, until now. and though i thought OD would turn her into a preachy minister, giving me sermons on the 'gay path to hell', she never did.

she did tell me that she struggled reconciling her new-found fervor with the Catholic Church and her acceptance of my sexuality early on. but she remembered having a dream where she looked inside my bag and saw a Crucifix. she interpreted that dream to be a message telling her I was okay.

ill never forget how comforting that story was. and how that shaped my own belief in a Benevolent Jesus who loves me and accepts me.

so ive always been soooo close to her. ive taken it upon myself to take care of her, of them. and i love making her laugh, making her happy. i make it a point to have dinner with them as often as i could. and they know all my exes, and those that matter. they give me their own assessments which i value. (even as i write this post intentionally talking about just nanay, i couldnt. because nanay and tatay, they really are one now.)


nanay, thank you for being the best ever mom a gay man could ever have. i know im the envy of almost everybody, with the kind of relationship we have, with the kind of nanay i have. thank you for the genes of beauty and brains i got from your side of the family. =) thank you for accepting me, warts and all. thank you for your tears, worrying about me all this time. thank you for your smile, that i love seeing. thank you for the faith you have instilled in me. thank you for the education that has brought me here. and thank you for showing me what unconditional love REALLY means. i love you, nanay.



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man-crush: mixed signals

we would exchange texts from time to time since then. but sometimes, i would still wonder whether he is just being polite or if there is some real interest. when we talk over the phone, i usually ask the questions. a lot of answers i get from him only reinforce my blossoming affection for him. on top of that is his sexy voice, impeccable grammar and excellent diction. and his gorgeous pics in his profile. but this would be dampened from time to time by delayed replies and, delaying tactics to meeting up.

there was a time that my schedule permitted me to be in his area. but suddenly something seemingly came up and he couldnt make it, yet again. i was getting disheartened. then out of the blue, he would text me, wanting to talk to me, even for a bit. that would melt me all over again.

i finally decided to put a time limit to this. if he still doesnt want to meet up, then i must give up.

before the deadline, i receive a totally unexpected gift from him, delivered straight to my doorstep, a dvd of a movie we were talking about the previous night! i was floored by the sweetest gesture.

is he into me or not?

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