Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Commitment Shelflife?

A conversation among old friends and their young boyfriends.

"So you don't have a boyfriend now?"

"Yeah, been single for less than a year. Not rushing into anything. I'm actually thinking that I'm not the long-term type."

"Now that's a change. You used to go from one boyfriend to another. And each time, we'd hear the promise of undying love and devotion, forever and ever. Amen."

"I know. I know. Well, I really thought it would last."

"Every single time?"

"Yup. Every time I start a relationship."

"And how many starts has that been?"

"Hmm. Probably ten? Eleven? Thereabouts"

"And every fucking time, you swear you think it's forever."

"Seriously, yes."

"And yet all of them ended."

Young boyfriend butts in. "None of them lasted. How long was the longest one?"

"Eight years. There was a six-year one, too. A couple of less-than-a-year ones in between."

"So what happened? Especially with the ones that lasted more than five years?"

"We broke up for different reasons."

"But still, some of them lasted for quite a long time. Yet you think you're not long-term?"

"Well, I have been thinking about my relationships. And I realized that I cannot stay faithful for too long."

"What? What do you mean?"

"All those relationships I entered into were exclusive, 'monogamous' relationships. Because I believed that was how relationships were supposed to be. Yet, I ended up fooling around."

"You did the fooling around? Not them?"

"I don't really know if they fooled around, too. But I just realized that I couldn't stay monogamous, or faithful."

"So why didn't you try being just open?"

"Hmmm, I just didn't feel it would work for me."

"And because of that, you are thinking that you are not 'built for long term'?"

"Yup. My fidelity has a shelf-life."

"It only meant that you didn't love any of them enough to remain faithful."

"Really? That's pretty harsh. I don't think so. I knew I loved them. And even as I was fooling around, having sex with others, it was clear to me that I loved them."

"Nah. You just haven't met the right one yet."

"There! That idea of 'the right one'! That's the one that's been screwing me up all this time!"

"What the hell?"

"Every time I get into a relationship, I always think that this is 'the one'. But I don't think that's true anymore. There is no "The One!" Well, not for me!"

"Wow. That's a major paradigm shift, girl!"

"I know. My relationships, they just don't last. If they require me to be faithful, I can only give that for say, three years. And that's a maximum. But beyond that, I can't promise anything. So at this point, if I start a relationship, I might as well state that at the start. I'm not Mr. Right. I'm Mr. Right now."

Young boyfriend butts in again. "And you think you'll get anyone with that kind of statement? That's bullshit! Nobody in his right mind would get into anything with you. Anything with a deadline."

Other friends agree. "That's like a contract. With a termination clause. Renewable upon re-negotiation." Laughter.

"Exactly. I'd rather be upfront about this than to have to promise the moon and the stars, the forever and ever. I end up just hurting them by lying to them about what I'm capable of."

"That's admirable but stupid. Who would take you seriously?"

"Well, another person who feels the same way? Who doesn't believe in forever and ever?"

"True. Good luck in finding that. Everyone I know wants something that lasts. It's just so weird to want something that would end."

"I agree. It's really great you realize this about yourself. But you don't have to declare that upfront. For one thing, we really don't know the future."

"But what happened with full disclosure, honesty and transparency?"

"You disclose that as part of your history. But you shouldn't say that as a future certainty. Because nobody really knows the future."

Young boyfriend, incensed now, butts in again. "Look, if you were a Piolo, you could probably get away with such statements and guys would still line up. But you're not. So you don't have any right to even demand that."

"Ouch! Look, I am not demanding anything. I am just being honest to a potential boyfriend. All I'm saying is that Hey, this is me. I fool around after a certain period. If that is ok with you, then we could make a go of it.'"

"That's bs."

"So you think nobody would buy it."

"Nobody in his right mind."

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad


Tony said...

Ang harsh harsh ng mga bata talaga. lolz.

LanchiE said...

I think it's being realistic and accepting who and what you are.

Sexual fidelity has always been an issue for so long that I'm wondering why people do not address this in a personal level. Or are people still too idealistic? Or am I just jaded?

I think an emotional affair is worse than sexual infidelity. But that's for another topic all together.

I've never had any fidelity issues with my past relationships... that I know of. I believe in setting proper expectations.

"Kung magloloko ka, siguraduhin mong 'di ko malalaman at walang makakaalam. Pwedeng tayo pa rin pagkatapos nun kase mahal kita pero di ko masisigurado ang kaligtasan ng magiging kabit mo at ng pamilya n'ya."

Yes. I'm vengeful. Hahahah

joelmcvie said...

Ang harsh, harsh nga... at ang judgemental. Ahahaha!

* * * * *

“So why didn’t you try being just open?”

“Hmmm, I just didn’t feel it would work for me.”

Well, don't knock it 'til you've tried it.

* * * * *

“That’s like a contract. With a termination clause. Renewable upon re-negotiation.” Laughter. “Who would take you seriously?”

“Well, another person who feels the same way? Who doesn’t believe in forever and ever?”

“True. Good luck in finding that. Everyone I know wants something that lasts. It’s just so weird to want something that would end.”

Hmmm, perhaps it's in the company you keep, dear. What I got from this discussion is that when people are stuck with what's familiar and what's been hammered into their brains, it's more difficult to make their minds more open to different, even radical ideas. And so they resist and stay in the familiar.

Anonymous said...

I think my point si young guy; at his age alam nya pa rin kung anu yung purpose ng relationship. Brave one!!!

Anonymous said...

You have a point dude but I think may tama rin talaga si young guy. At his age, alam nya pa rin kung anu ang primary purpose ng relationship

Anonymous said...

The old guy is so me, not a forever guy :)

Anonymous said...

One thing is clear - young guy believes in fidelity and is faithful. The older guy doesn't. Both are wrong to generalize. Nothing is absolute. If there's anything I've learned - there are no bad partners, just wrong ones. Know who you are, what you want in a relationship, and what you're willing to give. Then you'll meet someone who shares the same views and it'll be a match made in heaven.

Meridell said...

Open relationships. I hate to think of them as ways to make relationships a mere matter of convenience; I fuck who I want, when I want (convenient) but still hope that I'll have someone with whom I can grow old (convenient). I hate to think that it treats people like goods that can easily be bought, replaced, and thrown away.

I hate to see open relationships as meaningless cycles of aspiration and frustration, and I really want to believe in the purpose, the stability, and the genuineness of love in open relationships.