Sometimes, I have this quirky way of making decisions. I let the Fates decide. Well, not that I actually believe in the Fates. hehe But I allow chance or, the faithful way of looking at it, allow Him, to make the decision for me. Show me a sign which decision I must make, I ask Him.
I went on leave from the lector service during that time I was in my faith-crisis mode. The main thing that bothered me then was that I might be putting the Parish in a bad light, knowing that I am gay, sexually active, yet I read His Word during mass service.
I asked my priest-friend about that. His response: that is a very personal question I should ask myself (mala-Anne Hathaway ang peg ni Fr!). I would have to determine whether what I do outside the Church is visibly ‘gay’ and ‘provocative‘ to a point where I might be compromising the Parish.
That got me thinking. Well, I don’t cross-dress. But I do hang-out in gay areas with gay friends. Though I hardly go out these days. I don’t really do PDA. (Maybe once or twice hehe) So I don’t really know if my ‘practice’ of being gay is offensive or not. I just asked for a sign. Show me that You want me to continue to serve You that way.
On New Year’s Day, I heard Mass at a nearby chapel. This chapel is inside a home for the aged (mainly women), cared for by nuns from Spain. My parents do volunteer work there so the nuns know the family pretty much. They have a nice chapel there. The few times I have heard Mass there, the Scriptures would be read by the young Filipinas who are to become future nuns. They don’t read too well.
That Mass was going to be celebrated by my priest-friend. And since it was right after our enlightening discourse, I was elated to go to Mass and receive communion. Out of the blue, one of the senior nuns approached me and asked me to read the 2nd reading. I was totally surprised. And honored. And I took that as my sign that I should go back to serving.
I sincerely believe now that I have been conducting myself worthy enough to read His Word during the Mass. I try to be very good at it. And I now believe that is what He wants me to do.
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