Lucas Chronicles: Tito Mario 1

Nang umuwi si Lucas sa bahay, wala pa si Joey. At muli niyang naalala ang huling palitan nila. Nakakainit ng ulo. Nag-iinarte naman ang jowa. Pinilit na lamang niyang makatulog kakaisip ng nangyari sa kanila ni Sir Dante. Parang pampelikula lang. Mabilis at matamis. Ngunit bitin.

Alas-kuwatro na ng umaga ng nagising siya at bumukas ang pinto. Lasing na lasing na pumasok si Joey sa kwarto. Ang ingay. Lahat ng bagay binabangga. Ayaw niya sanang kibuin ngunit naawa na rin siya.

"Ano ba yan, lasing na lasing ka?" tumayo na siya at binuksan ang ilaw.

"Hindi no. Hindi ako lasing."

Ngunit bigla na lang humilata sa kama, suot pa lahat ng damit. Kahit sapatos ay nakasuot pa rin.

"Umayos ka ng pagkakahiga." Ngunit hindi siya pinansin ni Joey. Tinanggal niya ang sapatos at medyas. At tinanggal na rin ang belt. Umungol ng bahagya. Buti na lang at madali rin niyang nahubad ang maong at ang short sleeve na suot. Amoy sigarilyo. Inayos niya ang higa para makatabi siya. At pinatay ang ilaw.

Kinabukasan, nauna pa rin siyang nagising kay Joey. Halatang hindi sanay uminom ang isa. Mahimbing pa rin ang pagkakatulog, suot pa rin ang brief. Tumayo na si Lucas at naghilamos muna. Binuksan ang laptop at nagbasa ng email.

Nakatanggap ng email si Lucas mula sa Ate Mela niya sa US. Masaya naman at mukhang maayos ang nagiging buhay nila ni Roger. Ngunit sa dulo ng email ay kinagalitan siya. Bakit raw niya hindi dinadalaw si Inang. Eh napakalapit lang ng Pampanga.

Matagal na siyang hindi bumibisita sa nanay niya. Ang dami ng nangyari sa buhay niya at hindi pa niya na kukuwento sa kanya. Maski ang litrato ng anak niya kay Emily, di pa niya nakikita. Ang huli niyang naka-usap siya ay nung nagbabalak siyang umuwi sa probinsiya, dahil wala pa siyang trabaho. Ngunit sandali lang ang usapang iyon.

Hanggang ngayon ay awkward pa rin ang kaniyang pakikitungo kay Inang. Kaya rin naman hindi niya masyadong nadadalaw. Mabait kung sa mabait ang nanay niya. Maasikaso. Tipikal na nanay. Malaki rin ang naging sakripisyo sa pagpapalaki sa kanila ni Mela. Ngunit hindi niya magawang kuwentuhan siya. O maglambing man lang. Siguro ganun talaga pag lalaki.

Nagpasiya siyang tawagan at kamustahin.

"Nay? Hello?"

"O Lucas. Kamusta?" Maingay ang linya. Siguro nasa puwesto na siya. Mayroon silang maliit na puwesto sa harap ng palengke.

"Ok lang, Nay. Sumulat si Mela."

"Ang Ate mo? Bakit? Anong nangyari?"

"Wala naman, Nay. Nangangamusta lang. Gusto ko lang sabihin sa iyo."

"Ah. 'Kala ko kung napano na siya."

"Papasyal ako dyan sa susunod na weekend."

"Ah. Mabuti naman." Parang malamig ang salubong sa kanyang balita.

"May kailangan ka ba mula dito?"

"Wala naman. Kagagaling ko lang diyan nung isang buwan."

"Ah. O sige, Nay. Mga Saturday ng hapon, nandiyan na ako."

"Sige, iho." At binaba na ang telepono. Ganun ang usapan. Maikli. Direct to the point, ika nga.

Nagising si Joey sa usapan. "Babe, sakit ng ulo ko."

"Ikaw kasi, hindi ka naman umiinom. Nagkahang-over ka."

"Eh ikaw kasi. You stood me up. Ang saya pa naman."

"Wag na nating pag-usapan iyan. Alam mo naman ang trabaho ko." At muling bumalik ang inis sa jowa.

"Hmp. Siguro kalandian mo lang ang kasama mo kagabi."

"Babe, work eto. Imagine, naulanan ako. Di ka man naawa sa akin."

"Babe, ano ba gamot sa hangover?"

"May paracetamol diyan. Kaya na yan. Kailangan mong uminom ng maraming tubig."

Tumayo at lumabas si Joey ng kwarto. Inisip naman ni Lucas ang pagluwas niya sa probinsiya. Hindi maalis ang alinglangan. Ngayon lang siguro siya uuwi na silang dalawa lang ni Inang ang magsasama. Dati, lagi nandun si Ate Mela. Kaya hindi maramdaman ang kakaibang pakiramdaman nilang mag-ina. Kuhang-kuha ni Ate ang kiliti ni Inang. Pagmagkakasama silang tatlo, masaya lagi. Malaking pagkakaiba nung umalis na si Ate. Bumalik sa tahimik ang bahay. Awkward lagi. Kaya naman ng makaalis na si Ate, nagmamadali rin siyang bumalik sa Maynila.

Pumasok na si Joey. "Babe, mag sick leave ako. Di ko kaya."

"Wala ka bang naiwan na trabaho? Baka kawawa naman ang teammates mo."

"Ok lang yun. Kaya nila." at muling nahiga si Joey sa kama.

"Babe, sa sunod na weekend uuwi ako."

"Sa probinsiya? Bakit? May problema ang mom mo?"

"Wala naman. Nag email si Ate. Sabi kasi dalawin ko. I called her nga."

"Ah. Ok Babe. I'll sleep muna."

Habang natutulog si Joey, nagtext naman si Sir Dante, nangangamusta lang. May kilig siyang naramdaman. At sinagot agad ang text.

"Helo po."

"Po pa rin tawag mo sa akin? After last night?"

"D respect wil always b der, Sir."

"When do I see you again? Can you talk?"

"W8. col n 5mins"

"Sure."

Lumabas ng kwarto si Lucas. Bumaba papuntang garahe. Ang ibang mga kasama nila sa bahay ay nakatambay sa may komidor. Sabado kasi. Maraming walang pasok. Hinantay niya ang tawag.

"Hello, Luc?"

"Hello Sir Dante."

"Ano ba? Dante na lang. I want to see you."

"Sir, i-follow up ko pa yung papers for registration ng site. Baka next week pa ako makapasyal."

"Can't I see you even without work?"

"Busy rin. And uuwi ako sa province sa weekend."

"Can I go with you? May driver ako."

"Sir, wag na po. Bisita lang ako sa mother ko."

"Ang bait mo talaga. Luc, alam kong may partner ka. I just want to have dinner."

"Opo Sir. I will check my schedule po."

"Sige, do that. And don't worry about Claude. Maiintindihan niya. Ako bahala sa iyo."


Dumating rin ang Sabado at naghanda na siyang lumuwas. Overnight lang naman siya kaya magaan lang ang bag na dala. Hindi maalis ang kaba sa dibdib. Hinatid siya ni Joey hanggang sakayan ng bus. At pinagbaunan pa siya ng makakain sa biyahe.

Nakarating siya ng maaliwalas sa bahay, tanghaling tapat.

"Inang?"

Si Lola Minda ang sumalubong sa kanya. Hirap na hirap na ring lumakad. Kapatid siya ng tunay niyang lola. Ngunit matandang dalaga at inaalagaan na lang ni Inang.

"Ang ingay-ingay! Oh Lucas! Ikaw pala yan!" Nagmano siya sa nakakatanda.

"Si Inang po?"

"Nasa palengke pa. Pa-uwi na rin yun. Nananghalian ka na ba?"

"Di pa, Lola."

"Sige, ipaghahain kita. I-akyat mo na ang gamit mo."

Umakyat siya sa hagdan. Walang nagbago sa bahay. Ang pagkakaayos, ganun pa rin. Nandun pa rin ang lamesita at ang mga santo. Mayroon pa ring tuyong sampaguita. Nakita niya ang pinto ng kwarto ni Ate. Katabi nito ang kanyang kwarto. Nakabukas ang pinto. Marahil ay nag-ayos si Inang para matulugan niya. Nandun pa rin ang mga libro niya, naninilaw na. Ngunit napabilib siya sa nanay niya. Malinis at hindi maalikabok ang gamit niya. Binuksan niya ang aparador at hindi man amoy luma ang mga damit niya. Hindi na niya pala kailangan magdala ng damit pambahay.

Habang nagpapalit siya ng bihisan, narinig niya ang nanay niyang dumating. At nag-usap sila ni Lola Minda. Bumaba na siya at nakisali.

"Hello Nay" at sabay nagmano na lang.

"Kanina ka pa?"

"Di po. Nagpalit lang sa taas."

"Pinaghain ka na ni Cha Minda. Kumain ka muna."

Naupo siya at tinignan ang luto. Embotido, gawa ni Lola. Masipag pa rin magluto si Lola, kahit mabusising gawin.

"Nay, penge ng ketchup." Hinanap at inabot sa kanya ng nanay niya. At naupo na rin sa mesa, tabi ng Lola Minda.

"Napano ka na? May bago ka ng trabaho?"

"Opo. Nasa sales uli. At parang EA ng presidente ng kumpanya."

"EA?"

"Executive assistant po."

"Secretary?"

"Hindi po. EA. Parang tagapamahal ng mga gawain ng boss."

"Malaki ba suweldo?"

"Sakto lang po. Di naman ako magastos."

"Eh yung apo ko. Yung anak mo dun sa bisaya?"

"Ok naman po. Malaki na rin. Nakakapagbigay na uli ako ng sustento. Nagdala ako ng pictures niya."

"Saan?"

"Nasa bag sa taas. Kunin ko."

"Tapusin mo muna ang pagkain mo." Ngunit dali-dali pa rin siyang umakyat. Hinanap niya ang mga pina-print niyang mga litrato ni Matt.

Walang imik masyado ang nanay habang tinitignan ang litrato. Mas maingay pa si Lola Minda. "Sus kagwapo pala ng bata! Buti na lang at nagka-anak ka ng ganyan! Anong pangalan?"

"Matthew po, 'la. Matt ang palayaw"

"Mat? Ang pangit naman iho." Natawa na lang si Lucas. Kahit kailan ay walang preno si Lola Minda sa ganyang mga bagay.

"Malaki na nga." at binalik ang litrato kay Lucas.

"O, magpahinga ka lang. Babalik pa ako sa tindahan."

"Opo Nay. "

"Bakit wala kang kasama ngayon?"

Naramdaman niyang namumula siya. "Ah busy lang po si Joey."

"Yun ba ang bago? Joey?"

"Hindi naman po bago, higit isang taon na rin kami."

"Eh kasi, papalit-palit ka, sabi ng Ate mo."

"Hindi naman po."

"Siguro nga mabuting naging bakla ka. Ang dami mo sigurong anak kung tunay kang lalaki."

At biglang sumingit ang lola. "Buti nga nagka-anak pa yan. Akala ko di mo kaya!"

Hindi na natutuwa si Lucas sa takbo ng usapan. "Salamat, 'la, sa food. Akyat na muna ako."

Habang paakyat, "Nay, alam mo ba kung saan yung ibang photo album ko?"

"Ay ewan ko sa iyo. Wala ba sa kwarto mo?"

"Parang di ko nakita."

"Subukan mo sa kwarto ko. Dun sa may tokador."

"Ok po."

Umakyat si Lucas patungong kwarto ng nanay niya. Binuksan niya ang kwarto. Tulad ng ibang mga silid, wala ring pinagbago sa pagkaka-ayos. Napatingin siya bintana. At bigla niyang naalala ang itsura nito paggabi. Kung paano pumapasok ang ilaw ng poste sa kalye. At ang pagkaway ng mga kurtina sa hangin.

Binura niya agad sa isipan ang imahen. Dumiretso siya sa tocador at tinignan ang mga photo album. Nakita niya ang hinahanap niya at bumalik na siya sa kwarto.

Gusto niyang maalala ang panahon ng nakilala niya si Dante. Ano nga bang itsura niya nun? Dahan-dahan niyang tinitignan ang mga litrato, nag-umpisa sa likod. Yun kasi yung edad niya nun. Natawa siya sa itsura niya. Pagka-payat-payat.

Pabalik ang kamay ng orasan. Ang haiskul na mga barkada. Ang mga nagtatagong mga bading, nagpapakalalaki sa litrato. Pare-pareho silang magkakaibigan.

At napunta siya sa litrato nilang mag-anak. Si Inang. Nung kasama pa niya si... Si Tito Mario. Pinagmasdan niya si Tito Mario, at bumilis ang tibok ng kanyang puso. Agad niyang sinara ang photo album.

Si Tito Mario... Binaon na niya sa limot si Mario. Ang naging nobyo ng nanay niya. Nanumbalik ang mga kahiya-hiyang alaala. Mga ala-alang akala niya ay naitapon na niya. Nabasura. Nanghina siya sa biglang nagdatingang mga alaala. Naghalo ang mga emosyon sa kalooban niya. Parang binabagyo siya ng galit, hiya, inis, takot. Nagbabalikan lahat.

Nagbihis siya at lumabas ng bahay. Naghanap ng mabibilhan ng Tanduay. Tanghaling tapat at naghanap siya ng maiinom. Nakabili siya sa tabing tindahan at itinago ang bote. Baka makita ni Lola Minda.

Bumalik siya sa kwarto niya at binuksan ang bote. Uminom ng konti. Ang tapang. Ang init. Ang sakit sa lalamunan. Ngunit kinakailangan. Binuksan niya muli ang photo album at binalikan ang mga photos kasama si Tito Mario.

Naalala niya nung unang pinakilala ni Inang si Tito Mario.

Patapos siya ng elementary nun. First honor. Masayang masaya siya sa balita sa kanya ng kanyang paboritong guro, si Ms. Lopez. Hindi man siya valedictorian o salutatorian, siya raw ang first honorable mention. First honor pa rin. Nagbunga rin ang paggugol niya sa pag-aaral mula nung nawalay si Itay. Ilang taon na rin ang nakakalipas. Yun ang ipinangako niya sa kanya bago yumao.

Pumunta siya agad sa tindahan upang ibalita sa nanay. Dun niya nakita si
Tito Mario. Nagkukuwentuhan. Naghahagikhikan. Naglalandian sa kanyang paningin. Malaking tao ngunit halatang mas bata sa nanay niya. Ipinakilala sa kanya. Tumungo siya at agad umuwi. Hindi n niya ibinalita sa nanay ang kanyang honor.

Mula nun ay madalas na niyang nakikita si Tito Mario. Dumadalaw sa nanay niya. At nakumpirma niya na lumiligaw. Dun pa lang niya uling nakitang tumatawa muli si Inang. Kinikilig sa manliligaw na binata. Ngunit hindi pa rin siya natutuwa. Hindi pa rin kayang palitan nito ang kanyang tatay. Si Ate Mela naman, parang walang pakialam. Palibhasa, nagdadalaga na at may sariling mundo. Kausapin man niya ay hindi man siya pinapansin.

Isang gabi nung bakasyon, kinausap na sila ng nanay nila ng masinsinan. Magsasama na raw sila ni Mario, ngunit si Mario ang maninirahan sa kanila. Umiyak siya nun sa galit sa nanay niya. Ngunit hindi niya mapigilan. Nung sumunod na araw ay dala na ni Mario ang kanyang mga gamit at nasa kanila na.

Dun niya lang nalaman na tsuper ng jeep pala si Mario. Namamasada sa bayan lamang. Hindi tapos sa haiskul. May walong taong agwat sa edad ng nanay niya. Palangiti at laging may baon biro. Kaya naman nagustuhan ni nanay. Kuhang-kuha ang kiliti niya. Kahit nga si Ate ay napapatawa niya.

Isang tanghali nung summer na yun, walang magawa si Lucas. Ang mga kalaro ay pinatulog muna ng kanilang mga magulang. Ang alam niya, mag-isa siya sa bahay dahil may lakad naman si Ate Mela. Tinopak na naman siya at naisip niyang kunin ang mga make-up ng nanay at paglaruan. Bilis siyang umakyat at pumasok sa kwarto ng nanay niya.

Nagkagulatan sila ni Mario na nasa loob pa pala ng silid. At ang suot ay brief lang.

"O Lucas. May kukunin ka ba dito? Bakit hindi ka naiiglip? Tanghaling tapat, ha?"

Hindi agad makaimik si Lucas sa gulat. Dahil para na rin siyang nahuling maglalaro ng make-up. Ngunit mas hindi niya maalis ang paningin niya sa bukol ng Tito Mario niya. Ang laki. Halos hindi maitago sa brief na puti. At dun pa lang niya napagmasdan ang hubog ng katawan. May tiyan man ay hindi naman kalakihan. Bigla niyang naalala ang kanyang Kuya Edgar sa Pangasinan.

"Ah. Wala po." Ngunit hindi pa niya magawang umalis. Samantala, si Mario naman ay nagaayos upang mahiga. Sinindi ang electric fan at inayos ang mga unan.

"Matulog ka muna. Mainit sa labas. Ako rin hihiga muna." At humiga at pumikit ang Tito, naka-brief na humilata.

Nagawa rin iyang umalis ng kwarto at pumasok sa silid. Kumakabog ang dibdib. Nagbalik ang kanyang karanasan, ang unang karanasan kay Edgar. At nakita niyang ang tigas-tigas ng sarili niyang titi. Hindi siya mapakali. Gusto niyang masilayan ng isa pang beses ang bukol. Pinalipas niya ang ilang minuto upang siguraduhing tulog na tulog si Mario. At binalikan niya sa kwarto.

Binuksan niya ang pinto ng bahagya at sinilip. Tulog na nga. Humihilik pa. Tuloy ang kabog ng kanyang puso. Malakas. Ang init ng pakiramdam. Lalo na sa kanyang titi. Nakita niyang nagbabasa na ang ulo. Mahimbing nga ang tulog ng sinisilipan. At nang tumihaya, nakita niyang matigas na ang nota. Bukol na bukol sa brief. Nagpupumiglas. Natuyuan siya ng laway sa lalamunan.

Ng biglang naubo si Mario ay isinara niya ang pinto sa gulat at takot. Pumasok sa loob ng sariling kwarto at hinawakan ang kanyang ari. Basang-basa na. Parang may sariling isip ang ari niya at gumalaw sa kanyang pagkakahawak. At tinuloy ng tinuloy ang pagsalsal hanggang nilabasan siya. Isip-isip ang malaking nota ni Tito Mario.



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cc on comments

Finally, I should be able to comment on the comments some of you have been leaving.

FiftyShadesofQueer (FSOQ): Thanks for reading and backreading.  I have started to read your blog.  You are a fellow traveler.  A kindred soul many years younger. :)

Nomad: I am giving myself one more chance to prove that I have the willpower to resist. 

Mcvie: I'm saving all these up for you.  And for our next fabcast.

Seth: I really don't know how to react to that.  LOL

Shenanigans: What you said was confirmed by a friend, a director.  Charo Santos-Concio is just too conservative.

Tony: Right, you are.  Can't keep myself from expecting.  But I can lessen my reaction to it.

And to those who want to reach me: closet_case07@gmail.com or closet_case07@yahoo.com.ph Yes, I do thirty-minute chats over wine.  :)

cc quickie: stuck in a rut

It's #hateselfie mode.

Hate myself for having such poor will power to say No to sweets, wine and nuts.

Hate myself for not having enough stamina to burn those effing calories.

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Joby and Will 4

“Sheesh! Do you have to always do that?” an irritated Joby asked Will as he was walking inside the bathroom.

Will was surprised at the outburst. “Do what?”

“Use different towels every time! I always put your towel in this rack.” pointing to the second hook.

“I always thought that was your towel. Your gym towel.”

“My gym towel has always been here.” as Joby points to another hook. “I put it far from the other two so you won’t get confused.”

Will was getting annoyed, too. “Excuuuuse me. I didn’t realize!”

“Look! There are now four towels hanging. Four used towels! I don’t even remember which one is mine.”

“Then just throw all those fucking towels in the bin and get a new one!” snapped Will.

“That’s precisely what I was avoiding! Do you know how much detergents are harming the environment? We have to do our part!”

“You sound like the fucking hotel. What the hell is wrong with you?”

“I hate it that you keep on just using and using new towels. And we keep on wasting money on laundry and just fucking the rivers up.”

“Since when were you Green Peace?”

“Dude! You know this matters to me.”

“Sheessh. If it’s such a big deal for you, I won’t ever change towels!”

“Good!” and Joby shut the bathroom door.

He looked at the mirror, still visibly irritated. He thought about how annoying Will was. And how insensitive to his issues. He wondered how he could have kept up with this all this time.

They’ve been having more of these spats lately. Little things just set him off. The other time, it was Will’s snoring. He just couldn’t take it. Then there was the dishes left for the next morning. He hated that.

After the shower, he hurriedly dressed up and was deliberately ignoring Will. And Will was ignoring him, too. It was cold treatment all the way.

The only thing that made him smile was the message from Benedict as he was laboring through the worksheets at work.

“Hey dude. How’s your day?”

“It started bad. Another row with Will.”

“Oh. Have you cooled down?”

“Well, focused on work. And chatting with you helps. :)”

“Glad to be of service. :)”

“How was your exam?”

“Rotten. All that late night studying didn’t seem to help.”

“Sorry for that.”

“No worries, dude. I’m sure I’ll find a way to charm the prof.”

“You always do.”

“Aww. Sweet aren’t you? hahaha”

“I wonder how life would be if we were ...”

“We were what?”

“If you were really mine. And I’m yours.”

“But I’m yours.”

“Not 100%.”

“At the rate my thing with Will is going, you’re going to get 100%.”

“Don’t say that.”

“What?”

“I’m sure you’ll work things out.”

“Do you want me to? Do you want us to work things out?”

“Don’t ask me that, dude. Not my place to want anything.”

“But I’m making it your place. Come on. Wouldn’t you want things between Will and myself to fall apart?”

“Job, that sounds really bad. I don’t want to wish ill of you two.”

“So you don’t want that? You’re happy the way things are?”

“Dude! Don’t ask me these things.”

“Why not? I want to know, Ben. I want to know how you look at this thing we’re doing.”

“Now? You want to talk about it now? Are you serious?”

“You bet I am. I want to know if you see a future to this.”

“You’re asking me? You’re the one in a relationship with another! How could I even dare to want a future.”

“But you want one?”

“Why don’t you answer your question, dude? What do you think of this thing?”

“I asked first.”

“Ok! Fine! Dude, I love you. I want to have not just a part of you but all of you. But I know I can’t. Because it would mean destroying what you have with Will.”

“So you want this to be real, to be exclusive.”

“Yes, Joby, yes. I’ve been wanting it so long. So what’s your answer to your question?”

“Ben, I’ve fallen for you. I have dreams of us being together. Give me time.”

“Time to do what?”

“Time to think this through.”

“So you are deciding? You’re actually planning to make a decision?”

“I don’t know. I don’t want to get your hopes up.”

“Fine. Look, I’m not going to pressure you either way, dude. I love what we have. Even at 50% or less.”

“Ok. I appreciate that.”

The next few days were weird days for Joby. That conversation with Benedict opened his eyes to what was happening. As sure as he was falling for Benedict, he was also slowly finding reasons to get out of his relationship with Will. All this petty quarrels and annoyances were just symptoms of this deeper crisis.

But as that has cleared his mind, so did the air between Will and him. He was less and less irritable. And it almost seemed like Will was also nicer and sweeter to him.

There was the surprise tickets for the big basketball game which Will got for both of them, even if he knew that Will was going to suffer throughout the game. And there was this new blazer, something Will knew he had always wanted.

Why this sudden sweetness? Could he be suspecting? But Will is not the type. Will is very confrontational. If he suspected anything, he would have raised hell.

The gestures was not lost on Joby. Even as he longed to be with Ben and hold him again, he began taking stock of his relationship with Will. And all the memories between them. Is he ready to push all of that aside and take the plunge with Ben?

Will texted that he would be late tonight. And though that usually meant more chat time for Ben, he wasn’t so excited to chat that night. He decided to fix Ben something for breakfast. But it wasn’t long before Ben was texting him to get online.

“Hey. You busy? You’re not online the usual time.”

“Sorry, dude.” as he thought of Will. “Yeah just busy.”

“What’s up?”

“Nothing much. Taking a break from the books. You are such a welcome distraction.”

“LOL thanks.”

“How was your day?”

“Good. Same same, I guess. Work’s cool. Yours?”

“Classes were fine and boring. I haven’t stopped thinking about what you said.”

“Huh? Which one?”

“Well, about your... decision-making.”

“Oh that.” Joby kicks himself for having even mentioned it.

“I know I shouldn’t pressure you or anything. But I can’t help but just fantasize life with you.”

“Look, I’m still based here.”

“I know. But at least I can call you mine. And I can visit you as often as I want. And no more hiding.”

“Yeah, that would be nice.”

“And we could do so much traveling.”

“When you are done with your studies, dude.”

“Yup, yup. I intend to take a year off before starting residency anyway. If... and when it happens, I can spend that entire year with you.”

“Haha. You sure you want that?”

“Of course!”

“Hey, I gotta get back to what I was doing.”

“Ok. Sure. No problem, dude. I love you.”

He paused for a while before replying. “I love you, too.” Was he suddenly having a change of heart? Joby just left his laptop and got himself a beer.

God, he is just so confused. He knew he needed to simplify his life soon. And that meant making a decision. Choosing between two people - Will and Ben. William and Benedict. He never imagined what he started with Ben would go this far. But he couldn’t help himself. Ben was just so refreshing and sweet. So young and different. Sex was mind blowing. While Will, well yeah, it was settled and even boring. But he owed him so much. Will had always been there for him. And even with the passing of time, he knew that Will gets his fair share of lookers. He was still proud of being Will’s partner.

A few more beers did not do anything to clear his head. He didn’t go back to the laptop.

He went back to his preparations for the breakfast. And soon after, he just went to sleep.

Will arrived that night late. He surveyed the kitchen and saw the unwashed mixing bowls. He knew Joby prepared something and that made him smile. He saw the cans of beer in the trash can. And his laptop, still blinking.

He opened the laptop to turn it off. And the message chat window was still active. He opened to check.



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nasty thoughts

I've seen him a few times before. I noticed him because he is cute. (I realized I am basically a face guy. I really get attracted to a handsome, symmetrical face first. The musculature is secondary. Yes, I know it explains a lot.) And cutely proportioned though vertically challenged. But he actually is lean and sexy. Again, all properly proportioned.

But he really caught my libidinal attention only yesterday. He came from the wet area draped by a towel which nicely exposes his slim midsection. And that wet towel clung precariously to his shapely butt. (I am a butt guy, too). That made me take a second look, without being obvious.

He modestly went inside one of the dressing stalls and came out in shorts. And this is the thing that blew me away. The shorts were large enough at the waist to drop low, even below the hips. And it showed the curve of his butt. From the side view, it got my pulse racing. When he turned his back to me, I could even see the top of the butt crack. An effing sexy butt crack. No underwear, methinks.

My knees turned weak. But I had to look away. He shouldn't catch me staring at his butt. He might think I am one of those lecherous old fags. (Shut up.)

It's been a while since I have felt this lust towards a guy I don't know. And this is despite being so exposed to hot, gorgeous hunks in the gym almost everyday. I look at them. I admire their bodies. I envy their bodies. But I never lusted for them, you know what I mean?

I was thinking why I felt this way. He isn't even conventionally hunky and handsome. He is short, and maybe to others, twinkish. Is it because I have not released in awhile? And why him? He didn't even seem to be my type. Or did my preference change?

I quickly owned up to this and 'fessed up to c3. He reiterated that there's nothing wrong with lusting over someone else. But it's what's done because of that last that breaks hearts and relationships.

It did feel good to be have felt it again. It made me feel normal.

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cc quickie: Liberating

Last Friday night was my first time to do a night out with my eyeglasses (i.e. no contact lenses). I was forced to. My right eye was just itchy and my vision was affected.

I wear really thick glasses. I’m near-sighted (since Grade 3) with astigmatism (since college) needing reading glasses (since last year). So f**ked up, right? LOL Ever since I could afford it, I’ve been wearing contact lenses. I entertained the thought of undergoing that laser thingie before but never got around to setting aside money for that. So with my glasses on, it’s Revenge of the Nerds, Senior Citizens storyline. hehe.

I think of contact lenses as a fashion accessory, or even a mask. And when those come off, the real me is laid bare, all geeky. Totally unattractive.

But finally going out as the ‘real nerdy me’ last Friday night, to the drinking places near Burgos Circle felt so liberating. I just realized how exhausting it was trying to look attractive and desirable all this time. (“trying” is the operative word) I was always so conscious of myself, checking out if anybody was checking me out.

Going out with my thick glasses just took away all of that. I didn’t feel compelled to see if anybody showed interest. I knew I was really plain so I didn’t even bother.

And that felt good.


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of hubbies and harlots

I am as caught up in the telenovela "My Husband's Lover" as most of the bekis I know. When c3 and I first heard about the upcoming telenovela, and viewed the trailer, his first reaction was "how desperate!" c3 is more kapamilya than kapuso, obviously. And that reaction was in character.

I found it brave. It was another brave move by GMA to get into pink programming. I still remember quite a few years back when the station launched "Out", the telemagazine that also catered to the LGBT community. That was totally groundbreaking.

This new telenovela was another such move. We've had LGBT characters as sidekicks and subplots, but never as the lead character, as the main theme, and on primetime TV! And with one of its bankable lead stars playing the gay role, wow. I knew I wanted to watch it. But I was hoping that there would be some torrent file out there. I have never watched a telenovela before. Never had the patience or disposition. And even as I follow some US primetime dramas, I would do this at my convenience, and I could only thank pirated DVD's and torrents for that.

I didn't watch the pilot episode when it aired. I forgot. But the twitterverse was alive with it. And it was crossing channel lines. Diehard kapamilyas were tuning in. And lo and behold, even c3! LOL

So this has become our 935pm ritual weekdays (they never start on time). Sometimes together, sometimes apart. But we annotate with SMS as we watch. It is just so much fun.

I'm tempted to review but I won't. It wouldn't be fair. I would like to compare it with kapamilya telenovelas. But I can't. c3 does that a lot in his comments. I can only listen and not even agree. I have no idea.

This is not a review. This is a reflection.

I have alwasy been more Vince than Eric. And a Lally once.

I remember dating attached guys twice. One eventually became my partner. One just fizzled after a few dates. So I never got into the mistress role much.

But I've been a Vince lots of times. In almost all my relationships. Sigh. One of which was chronicled extensively in the blog, Enigma. I remember the hiding, the trysts, the messages over different online accounts (but not YM!) It was so difficult, yet so compelling I coulndn't stop. I actually loved the thrill, the excitement, the ego-boost. And I loved them even as I continued to love my primary relationship.

And I would watch my favorite Meryl Streep films cathartically - Bridges of Madison County and Falling In Love. I would bemoan my sorry, confused state.

And as for the Erics of my life then, I remember how pc would label them as 'harlots of Babylon'. We would talk about these guys who don't seem to respect boundaries of relationships. And they would just insert themselves, flirt and seduce guys who are very much committed. All of them were simply harlots for him. I begged to disagree, of course, always. It's not always the harlot's, ooops, the third party's fault. Sometimes, even as lines have been drawn, the hubby still insists. I argue in their defense, and based on my experience.

Then I also got to be Lally, the victim. Then-boyfriend was already carrying out an affair, for the past two years before I discovered. My ex was good when it came to covering his tracks. I totally did not suspect. The only thing that led to the unraveling was the cellphone billing statements. And that one recurring number in the past two years. Thousands of pesos of calls made to that one number. Much more than made to me.

It was very painful. But my decision was swift. It was over right at the moment of
confrontation. I am impulsive like that.

Having been a Lally made me realize the hurt and pain. And I wouldnt wish it to happen again to me, or to anybody else.

I wonder how MHL would develop. Only on episode 20, it seemed to be unraveling fast. I guess Lally would still win in the end. GMA would still have to 'uphold' moral values in the end.

But sometimes I wonder, what if Vince would end up with Eric? The 'harlot' wins the hubby over. Is that relationship doomed from the start, because of the circumstances that gave birth to it? Or could it actually flourish and last? Because ultimately, they were fated to be together. Could there actually be a happy ending?


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NO to Xpectayshen!

How does one love without expectations? And I refer to romantic love here. Or specially about romantic love.

I seriously wish I could.

Why? I feel that the root of my disappointments lies in my expectations. I expect that I will be treated in the same manner and courtesy that I extend. I expect punctuality. I expect gratitude. I even expect reciprocity.

So I quite expect someone to think and act like me so my expectations would be met. And that is insane. Even twins don't act and think alike.

I just feel I would get disappointed less if I expect less.


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