the last supper

enigma has been sensing something's awry with my tone and change of plans.

when i met up with him to have dinner earlier... he already asked me if this was going to be "the last supper"...

dinedma ko muna and tried to make light conversation, catch-up talk since we havent seen each other in two weeks...

and in the resto, he wanted me to be straight to the point... i struggled with the words... but finally, i mustered the courage to tell him...

"i have to stop seeing you..."

silence. pregnant silence. awkward silence.

"cute." and he smiled, a painful smile. followed by a sigh. quiet dinner. took him back home. just listening to ipod music. not talking. and a slight squeeze of the hand before stepping out of the car.

that ends the chapter on enigma. and i am back to hating myself for this mess...

the pursuit of truth

the pursuit of truth will set you free
even if you never catch up with it

clarence darrow

ive known this quote since i was in my teens. i didnt know the author till i googled it today. clarence turns out to be a famous american lawyer opposed to the death penalty. so much for that.

my own pursuit of truth is taking some tortuous routes. truth has been something i effectively concealed from partner. and dishonesty became a shameless habit for me. lies on top of lies, cover-ups for cover-ups. tiring. confusing. and just so wrong.

i have chosen to unravel this complicated mess to my partner, laying bare my affairs, my dastardly deeds. he takes it with such clinical objectivity but sometimes, the pain of having been lied to, of having been conspired against, seeps through. there is the caustic remark, that cutting comment that stabs at my heart every so often. and i could only wince in pain but not complain.

yet i am just starting... almost two years of dishonesty needs to be undone. sometimes, i fall back into trying to conceal, afraid that i might just agitate him further. but i give myself away. and i set him off all the more.

sometimes i doubt the value of complete honesty. but when i search my heart, i discover the same things. so i pursue truth, slowly, painfully. i have yet to feel the joy of liberation.

no easy way out

i dont see the light at the end of the tunnel yet.

partner knows everything, including this blog and its contents. he remains calm though the pain surfaces every so often.

we are still unsure where to take this after my revelation. i have a proposal which he wants to mull over.

he made some good points, some i totally did not anticipate. and i am at a loss with some of the questions he posted.

he doubts my resolve. or he doubts my sincerity. or he doubts my control over the situation. i dont blame him at all.

i.. we.. remain in the dark..

it's cold in here.

my parallel lives intersect

Corp closet: I am just in B bar with Reli.
Partner: Bakit naglalasing ka? May problema ka no’? (in a jovial manner)
CC Wala naman. (sounding tentative) Basta gusto ko lang mag-unwind
P Kahapon ka pa sad. Bakit ba?
CC Wala.
P Ano, yung boytoy mo hiniwalayan ka? Depressed ka?
CC Ano ba… And besides mag-uusap naman tayo when you get here next week
P Anong pag-uusapan ba natin? Parang kinakabahan ako
CC Basta… Naman, wag kang kabahan… wala lang…
P Sige na. Ayoko ng ganito Pagiisipin mo ako.
CC I don’t want to say this over the phone.
P Hay naku. Mas lalo akong kinakabahan. You have to give me the gist of what you’ll say.
CC Not now… okay lang, don’t think about it
P I will not stop thinking about it until I know what it will be about
CC I just want to … review our relationship, for the past two years
P Review? Review what?
CC Well, I just want to tell you about how it has been for the past two years… and maybe discuss with you directions
P Directions? Di pa ba malinaw?
CC Partner, I just want to be honest…
P Ah past two years. This is exactly like how it was with your ex. You will be telling me na you have been fooling around, too (tone getting serious)
CC Well… I want it to be discussed
P Tell me what outcome you want out of that conversation
CC I cant decide on that unilaterally
P Not that you’re making a decision. Ano ang gusto mong mangyari after that conversation.. Hiwalayan na ba?
CC no.. I want an open relationship.
P Ah… itutuloy na natin yung pinagusapan natin
CC (silence)… I really want to tell you in person
P Ngayon na. Tell me. So ganun na nga.
CC Okay,,, if you really want to discuss now… Ill start this properly. You know that I love you so much, partner…
P (interrupts) Yeah yeah, I’ve heard that before..
CC But… it is a love that is imperfect and unfaithful. Di ko kayang maging faithful while you’re away
P Mayroon na bang iba? May kapalit na ba ako?
CC Walang kapalit. But
P But there’s someone you see on a regular basis?
CC Yes
P Hay… sabi ko na nga ba. Sino na nakakakilala sa kanya?
CC the barkada…
P Anong sabi nila?
CC Wala naman. Okay lang kasi di naman yun first time na may nangyaring ganun. Di ba si Winston rin?
P Akala ba nila mayroon rin ako?
CC They’ve asked me whether I think you have one, too. I told them I really don’t know. And I don’t suspect that you do.
P Di ba sabi ko eh yun lang ang gusto ko sana – discreet ka. Di mo pa ginawa.
CC Kasi this thing started before we had that conversation.
P Sa Monday na tayo mag-usap. (hangs up the phone)

then the text above was sent

i knew it but i never expected u wld already hav that kind of care or 'love' for d guy. i cld readily understnd sexual relationships but love relationship is quite alarming. does he know me? or hav u talked about me with him?

my reply

he knows everything about u. M so sori.

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