Wednesday, October 10, 2007

the pursuit of truth

the pursuit of truth will set you free
even if you never catch up with it

clarence darrow

ive known this quote since i was in my teens. i didnt know the author till i googled it today. clarence turns out to be a famous american lawyer opposed to the death penalty. so much for that.

my own pursuit of truth is taking some tortuous routes. truth has been something i effectively concealed from partner. and dishonesty became a shameless habit for me. lies on top of lies, cover-ups for cover-ups. tiring. confusing. and just so wrong.

i have chosen to unravel this complicated mess to my partner, laying bare my affairs, my dastardly deeds. he takes it with such clinical objectivity but sometimes, the pain of having been lied to, of having been conspired against, seeps through. there is the caustic remark, that cutting comment that stabs at my heart every so often. and i could only wince in pain but not complain.

yet i am just starting... almost two years of dishonesty needs to be undone. sometimes, i fall back into trying to conceal, afraid that i might just agitate him further. but i give myself away. and i set him off all the more.

sometimes i doubt the value of complete honesty. but when i search my heart, i discover the same things. so i pursue truth, slowly, painfully. i have yet to feel the joy of liberation.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

cc, it might be a hackneyed cliche already, but the truth will set you free. just believe in it. it's hard. it's potentially disastrous. but heck, that's the price to pay for two-years of dishonesty. at the end of the day, what matters most is you've been honest especially to the person you love.- albert

Tony said...

Good luck. I don't envy either you or your partner right now.... it's always easier to make a mess of things rather than cleaning it up. It probably feels like there is no liberation in sight.....but remember it is two years worth. So give it time and patience.

There is a reason why it is so hard and painful. That reason is because you guys still want to desperately stay together.

I just hope your relationship is not resolved the way the "gordian knot" was resolved.

DATS said...

it a great first step!....i wish you best...

closet case said...

thanks, albert! i had my fun. now i have to clean up.

thanks, tony... i really have to work on patience... always been a weak point

thanks, dats - baby steps, baby steps...

JOSH said...

im just praying dat "all is well dat ends well" at least nakapag tuos na kayo and d healing process, hopefully, starts... :)

Anonymous said...

i'm sure you've asked yourself already if you still want all these [still] with partner, right? :) congratulations! i'm happy that you're getting things back in order. not easy but just stay focused. once this mess has been put to its place, you're up to having the happiest life. a relationship that withstood great adversities. you're not meant to be alone after all - you just have to know the right things to do and do them ;)

closet case said...

thanks, josh... really appreciate the prayers. i remain positive that it will end well though the road will be very bumpy

and to you, anonymous reader, thank you, too! really something to look forward to. not easy but helps lighten the load...