the pursuit of truth will set you free
even if you never catch up with it
ive known this quote since i was in my teens. i didnt know the author till i googled it today. clarence turns out to be a famous american lawyer opposed to the death penalty. so much for that.
my own pursuit of truth is taking some tortuous routes. truth has been something i effectively concealed from partner. and dishonesty became a shameless habit for me. lies on top of lies, cover-ups for cover-ups. tiring. confusing. and just so wrong.
i have chosen to unravel this complicated mess to my partner, laying bare my affairs, my dastardly deeds. he takes it with such clinical objectivity but sometimes, the pain of having been lied to, of having been conspired against, seeps through. there is the caustic remark, that cutting comment that stabs at my heart every so often. and i could only wince in pain but not complain.
yet i am just starting... almost two years of dishonesty needs to be undone. sometimes, i fall back into trying to conceal, afraid that i might just agitate him further. but i give myself away. and i set him off all the more.
sometimes i doubt the value of complete honesty. but when i search my heart, i discover the same things. so i pursue truth, slowly, painfully. i have yet to feel the joy of liberation.