Musings of an LGBTQ Catholic with a long history of wrestling with his demons
Sunday, December 16, 2007
how do you know... if you still love someone
people, id like to hear you out... how do you know if you still love someone? how do you become certain that it is still love that you feel and not anything else (compassion, friendship, convenience)? what signs tell you that this is "still it"?
I reckon love is both emotional and conscious effort. One just loves. No guarantees. Problem is we are governed so much by the rewards of being reciprocated. (Thanks to our limbic system. It is when our dopamine is low that we put in our effort in loving someone.) There you go, I just managed to explain love like it is a physiological function. lol.
trouble with love is that its very intangible...its not a morsel of food that could be eaten...no wonder we have so much problems in this world because war is much easier to define...to my almost 15 years of marriage, id say love is also spiritual on top of all what u enclosed here...maybe i should define love in terms of guilt...yeah that's it...GUILT!
And Merry X'Mas na lang sayo pareko before I forget...
I believe its when you feel that tug in your gut. I had been separate from my ex for about a year and a half now. I've gone out and dated other people. But at the end of the day, I always think about him. Whenever I come across something about him, parang may kukulo sa tiyan ko. Any insights are appreciated!
thanks, quentin... i wish things were purely physiological that a pill, a dopaminergic agonist perhaps, would be enough to 'bring that feeling again'... :)
hey jimg29 - 15yrs if marriage, sustained by Guilt! LOL! Merry Xmas!
jsantify: luv that 'tug in th gut'... hirap rin... is that love or simply nostalgia?
love is a universal feeling. pero we love as individuals, may kanya kanya tayo ng style ng pagmamahal. kung minsan para siyang sakripisyo, minsan parang nakakalimutan mo kung sino ka at wala ka ng iniintindi kungdi ang mahal mo, minsan para siyang laro lang. mahirap..i can go on and on. kasi kung minsan iba-iba rin ang tindi ng pagmamahal natin.
only you will know if you still love someone. i thought i heard someone say, "when we were made, the heart was placed below the head so we can think it through first." pero sa akin, i say, it was place towards the center of our body to balance things out. compassion and friendship, i know for me are part of loving someone but convenience would never be in the same category. kasi, pag sinabi mo ng convenience, para bang you are doing it for the sake of it or ano ba ang naiibigay niya sa akin. i'd rather say, inconvenience...kasi kung minsan, bahagi ng pagmamahal mo sa isang tao and mga sakit na nadarama natin. pero di ba dumarating talaga sa buhay natin iyon. parang kahit kay ganda ng panahon kung minsan, bigla na lang bubuhos ang ulan...makes you wonder, where did that come from..
but for me, i know i still love someone if i could still keep the faith in that person, give him the benefit of the doubt when things are going south, understand him more and just keep the love going. oh yeah, and that thing na parang kumukulo yong tiyan =)when you think of him or even in his presence...
remember iba iba tayong magmahal at magpatawad, maybe he needs more time to heal. and if you really still love him, give him the time, keep your faith in him and dont give up.
i've read this short story in ladlad 3 - ephiphany... it typifies what i think love is... its not shakespearean nor is it the most cerebral description of what love is... it describes what i feel - possibly the darker side i almost resist.
love is when you can't think of the future without that particular significant other in it. its almost thinking you can take that first step of planning a life without him then realize that its close to impossible to do it...with one mere gesture from him.
gay blogger in the closet, a friend of mine, also gave me some nice thoughts:
love is a verb.
loving is doing beyond just feeling. basing love on the feeling will be confusing because feelings will have highs and lows. but the loving behaviors remain...
I think it's a feeling of longing. Like dropping your loved one off at the airport knowing he'll be away for a long time. And the feeling of comfort when you see his face again. It's a succession of little things, small gestures which have great meaning.
Can you handle not being with him? Not being his best friend, his confidante, his lover?
13 comments:
I reckon love is both emotional and conscious effort. One just loves. No guarantees.
Problem is we are governed so much by the rewards of being reciprocated. (Thanks to our limbic system. It is when our dopamine is low that we put in our effort in loving someone.) There you go, I just managed to explain love like it is a physiological function. lol.
trouble with love is that its very intangible...its not a morsel of food that could be eaten...no wonder we have so much problems in this world because war is much easier to define...to my almost 15 years of marriage, id say love is also spiritual on top of all what u enclosed here...maybe i should define love in terms of guilt...yeah that's it...GUILT!
And Merry X'Mas na lang sayo pareko before I forget...
I believe its when you feel that tug in your gut. I had been separate from my ex for about a year and a half now. I've gone out and dated other people. But at the end of the day, I always think about him. Whenever I come across something about him, parang may kukulo sa tiyan ko. Any insights are appreciated!
thanks, quentin... i wish things were purely physiological that a pill, a dopaminergic agonist perhaps, would be enough to 'bring that feeling again'... :)
hey jimg29 - 15yrs if marriage, sustained by Guilt! LOL! Merry Xmas!
jsantify: luv that 'tug in th gut'... hirap rin... is that love or simply nostalgia?
love is a universal feeling. pero we love as individuals, may kanya kanya tayo ng style ng pagmamahal. kung minsan para siyang sakripisyo, minsan parang nakakalimutan mo kung sino ka at wala ka ng iniintindi kungdi ang mahal mo, minsan para siyang laro lang. mahirap..i can go on and on. kasi kung minsan iba-iba rin ang tindi ng pagmamahal natin.
only you will know if you still love someone. i thought i heard someone say, "when we were made, the heart was placed below the head so we can think it through first." pero sa akin, i say, it was place towards the center of our body to balance things out. compassion and friendship, i know for me are part of loving someone but convenience would never be in the same category. kasi, pag sinabi mo ng convenience, para bang you are doing it for the sake of it or ano ba ang naiibigay niya sa akin. i'd rather say, inconvenience...kasi kung minsan, bahagi ng pagmamahal mo sa isang tao and mga sakit na nadarama natin. pero di ba dumarating talaga sa buhay natin iyon. parang kahit kay ganda ng panahon kung minsan, bigla na lang bubuhos ang ulan...makes you wonder, where did that come from..
but for me, i know i still love someone if i could still keep the faith in that person, give him the benefit of the doubt when things are going south, understand him more and just keep the love going. oh yeah, and that thing na parang kumukulo yong tiyan =)when you think of him or even in his presence...
remember iba iba tayong magmahal at magpatawad, maybe he needs more time to heal. and if you really still love him, give him the time, keep your faith in him and dont give up.
macy gray defines it in two lines from the song appositely titled "still":
"i still light up like a candle burning when he calls me up.
i still melt down like a candle burning everytime we touch"
i agree.
teka, para saan ba to? assignment mo ba? hehe. and the evaluation process has begun.
i've read this short story in ladlad 3 - ephiphany... it typifies what i think love is... its not shakespearean nor is it the most cerebral description of what love is... it describes what i feel - possibly the darker side i almost resist.
love is when you can't think of the future without that particular significant other in it. its almost thinking you can take that first step of planning a life without him then realize that its close to impossible to do it...with one mere gesture from him.
it primitive more than cerebral.
thanks, people... beautiful comments, beautiful definitions.
markuc - ang ganda nito. i love the 'inconvenience' part. its so true. keeping the faith
fill - yes, evaluation time. kasabay ng prelims. :)
geloph - thought-provoking. i used to say that i have found the person i would grow old with in partner...
gay blogger in the closet, a friend of mine, also gave me some nice thoughts:
love is a verb.
loving is doing beyond just feeling. basing love on the feeling will be confusing because feelings will have highs and lows. but the loving behaviors remain...
another thought-provoking response...
CC: Naunahan lang ako ni GBITC. But yes, love is NOT a feeling. Feelings come and go. Love is a conscious decision. Verb siya, hindi siya noun.
Kasalanan yang ng mga romantics eh. Love goes much deeper than giddy thrills. If you're just stuck to the feeling, ambabaw na love yun.
Ambabaw.
Ambabaw.
Ambabaw.
Repeat until it lodges permanently in your brain.
very judgmental, mcvie
I think it's a feeling of longing. Like dropping your loved one off at the airport knowing he'll be away for a long time. And the feeling of comfort when you see his face again. It's a succession of little things, small gestures which have great meaning.
Can you handle not being with him? Not being his best friend, his confidante, his lover?
thanks, john... little things mean a lot, that's true
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