i've been in the blues lately. cough and colds season may be partly to blame.
but it started after a post christmas celebration with former business school classmates. it has been four years after graduation and we have remained in touch; we have remained friends. i must admit though, that during some of our previous get-togethers, i end up feeling low, just like last saturday.
that group is quite diverse: two PLU's, three ladies (two married), a father-figure (50+ male). the straights outnumber the PLUs.
i am so open to them, though we don't see each other regularly. and they know all that has happened with partner, with enigma. and i blame myself now for being so open.
they explicitly disapprove of my philandering ways. but they still enjoy the chika, they enjoy being entertained by my life's twists and turns. but when it comes to comments, it still bites when they tell you masama ka kasi may mga sinasaktan ka, masama kang tao. in my life, this group represents the moral majority, the conservative party. and i am again questioning whether i belong.
i have other groups of friends who disagree with my ways but i don't feel 'condemned', like the way i feel now. and always, those friendships leave me with a refreshing feeling after the happening, after the activity. sadly, i don't feel as refreshed with this group.
are friendships supposed to always feel warm and fuzzy? are encounters with friends supposed to always be refreshing, energizing, fulfilling? or is it selfish for me to expect that? maybe friendships will sometimes make you feel down, make you feel low, or make you feel small?
one of them actually asked me what my self-concept was now that i was barraged with all those negative labels. i lied and told him i wasnt affected. i just didnt want to dampen the spirit of the affair. but i was... and i still am affected.
i confided in a friend from way, way back. his answer: why do you get affected? why do you need their approval anyway?
i guess i do need their approval because i consider them my friends. i'd like my friends to appreciate me, to like me and to accept/approve me. is it so sophomoric to think this way? maybe.
17 comments:
Hi CC, its so easy for people to say that you shouldn't get affected by what other people say, but in reality, this is not the case, especially if these opinions come from people we consider friends. You just have to believe in yourself more CC. You're not a bad person, you just have your moments of weakness. We all do. The fact that you strive to be a better person, though it doesn't make your wrongs any more right, shows that you are still good. Chin up girl!
Happy New Year CC. This is D.C. =)
As they say, "hate the sin, not the sinner". So, while they may be "condemming" your philandering ways (your words), it does not necessarily mean that they don't like you.
Friends are not always like cold, iced teas meant to "refresh you", some of them can be bitter ampalaya teas. Not refreshing, but it has its benefits.
Maybe a little restraint when you make chika about your personal life will help. Turning your life's twists and turns as the entertainment fodder for this group, might have encouraged them to be also frank..nay, brutally fank with you.
Gayness has nothing to do with it. Being conservative has nothing to do with it. If you were hetero, and you're being unfaithful to your partner, and openly discussing it with your friends (not necessarily this group), I don't think they will say "mabuti kang tao.".
From another perspective, while you are entertaining them with your funny stories, do you think
you are also "refreshing, energizing, and fulfilling" them by telling them your activities which, I think, they don't agree with? =)
You have more stories to tell CC. You are well-travelled, well-read, well-informed, well-dressed. Don't define yourself too much with being well-fucked. =)
cc, don't lose sleep over it...quesehoda, i admire ur f*cking ways.
CC
hapi new yr...
i really dont understand why you need to have,,,to make,,,to do things to make others accept,,,approve,,,embrace you to what they call their circle...
U know ur worth...reexamine it again...
It does do good...it will change ur perspectives about life and the lives that you keep on inter acting ...
ob1L: thanks. friendships like yours make me feel so much better about myself. i know you dont always approve but you dont make me feel less for it. i value our friendship.
dc: happy new year! thanks for the perspective which i actually found... refreshing. your points worth considering. loved the way you ended it.
jimg: thanks, too! wish i could have that attitude. working on it, i guess
yajnat: all boils down to self-worth. i guess that little child in me still seeks approval. sometimes i forget that part.
I don't like people who refuse to get off their moral high horses. You are who you are. At the end of the day, when your life is over, no one will be there to hear you say, you did it your way. Why bother seeking anyone's approval.
How about if I quote Migs of MGG right now: "Hay naku, it's the shape of things to come!" Or maybe AJ? "Ahm, I'll be nega first. You're very selfish."
LOL!
Wala akong sagot para sa iyo. Nagpapatawa lang ako, like in the podcasts, like in most everything else. =)
maybe i'm missing the point, but the problem here is not what other people think of you, but what you're doing. let's set aside the moral and health aspects of your sexual adventurism, and focus on your insistence on airing dirty laundry in front of your friends as if it's perfectly natural for a committed partner to have numerous affairs. AND you expect these friends--who probably also know your partner--to condone what you're doing? it's not them, it's you. kelan nga ba nagiging tama ang mali?
lest you think that i am "judging" you, i am only following what you have written in the past. you've admitted wrongdoing. you've recognized that there are things you should not have done. and yet you expect your friends to just keep quiet? i don't know about you, but friends who just wait until something blows up in my face--instead of warning me that i'm doing something wrong--aren't really friends at all. in hollywood, they're known as the audience =)
hi cc. ive been following your blog sometime now. though of the fabcasters, youre the last i, well for lack of a better term, "discovered."
i dont agree with the life you live. thats a judgment coming from a stranger. should you give it so much importance? ill be the first to tell you to ignore me. why? i dont you any better. are friends supposed to know you any better?
not necessarily. remember, that unless these friends are people you spend most of your waking hours with, and therefore actually see you in your natural element, living your life as opposed to seeing your life through the stories you tell them about yourself---they dont really know you.
oftentimes in our narration of what goes on in our lives we miss out on a few crucial details. and more improtantly were not able to sufficiently capture in words, what we really are going through. and its those that we leave out that spelll the difference. thats why, we are to our friends who we paint ourselves to be.
i was in a similar situation in the past. i had this childhood barkada. as we grew older we started seeing each other less. soon we had opinions of each other based solely on what we tell each other as opposed to before when we saw each other daily as kids, when we didnt have to tell stories about our lives to each other because we were there actually living our lives with each other.
i also had this other friend who i told off after ive had enough of his well meaning sermons which i feel were offbase but were premised on what i told him. thats when i realized that in the course of our lives, we are to our friends who we say ourselves to be and nothing more.
so dont fret too much. of course its normal for one to seek approval from people he cares about. but at the end of the day, before you seek their approval, you must first gauge, how well do they really know you? remember that living your life vicariously is actually different from living lives together or being very much in each other's lives.
ive refrained from moralizing or giving sermons on the lives of friends who i dont get to see a lot and whose lives i only know based on the stories they tell me. even when they solicit my opinion, im more circumspect and instead ask more questions.
cc,
i hope i made a new friend leaving this comment on your blog. for what its worth, i dont think youre a bad person. but for me to say more, i would actually have to talk to you more.
i know migs. he knows how to reach me if youre interested in being friends.
quentin: thanks for the comment! i'd love to see the day opinions about me dont matter anymore, friend or foe. more growing up for me.
anonymous: maybe i do have a problem with airing dirty laundry to friends... but i couldnt help but contrast this group with all other groups of mine where i dont feel as 'judged'.
raymond: thanks for the really nice comment! i hope to be a friend to you, too. ill get your email...
mcvie: yun lang. :)
Oh Honey! Those aren't friends. They see you as their diversion, entertainment from their otherwise mundane lives so that they can justify that they have a better life.
Friends don't judge each other. When my friend was doing something wrong I didn't judge him. I was there for him and I gave him advice. He did the same for me when I was in a similar situation.
Find your TRUE friends. The ones who'll understand you and accept you for who you are.
thanks, john! *hugs*
What is one of the basic rules of good corporate communication? The right topic for the right crowd.
Most heteros (I am not trying to be prejudiced here) that I know, cannot take hearing the philandering ways of (gay or straight) men. Why? Women are scared that their other half might be philandering too and the men are envious that he can get away with it with the repercussions not being as bad as if they were caught doing it.
So what would they do in such a social situation? Of course they have to condemn to high heavens the person who so blatantly parades his ways.
Do what I do in such situations, I turn the tables and ask them if they haven't lusted after anyone else besides their other half and enjoy seeing them blush and stutter.
thanks, lobster. great POV. :)
go cc... if you need a cheer-up friend, i will support you no matter what... (ang baduy ko =p)
you may cry,you may sigh, but you wont die. Go for GOLD!
Hi there! Hope that you are feeling better these days and your energy levels are up. These help a lot to boost your confidence to better handle such situations. Next time to meet up with them, you can take me with you (in spirit, for now). I'll be your support and your cheering squad so that you will always remember that you are a good person and should be appreciated.
hello bluegrey! are you named after my fave coffeespot in davao? hehe. Thanks for that great reassuring comment! i hope to be your friend too!!!
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