i just finished listening to mgg's fabcast with the closet badets. i should have been there. but i already made some plans. sigh.
but it sounded like they had fun, poking at the generation gap! buti na lang pala wala ako dun. =)
seriously, there were two thought-provoking questions mentioned that stimulated my cc mind...
if there was an event or an experience when you were starting out as a gay man which you could change, what would it be?
i should have had sex with my high school boyfriends. yes, i didnt have sex with them. the most we got to was french kissing. funny we were so pa-tweetums then.
oops. context muna. back in high school in an all-male school somewhere in manila, we badets (then) were the ones being pursued by the straight guys in the school! in an amazing twist of fate, it was considered 'cool' among the guys to have a 'syota' na bading. (the guys included the hottest jocks - the captain ball of the basketball team, the football team - the corps commander of the CMT, etc) so we felt like girls being wooed by the guys. and we had our pick. i had 2 relationships then. but the sad consequence of being treated like girls is the stupid notion that we WERE girls that had our LIMITS - i.e. NO SEX! i myself went as far as french kissing and hugging. and that was an accomplishment for me!
i had two really cute boyfriends then. i wish i had sex with them.
is there a happy ending for gays?
tony responded to this closing question by saying that happy endings are gender neutral. i agree ideally. but this question remains central to a lot of gays only because of the innate social biases against being gay in most societies. handicap, kung baga. whether we like it or not, we felt those biases growing up. in my extremely permissive high school as mentioned above, i still felt persecution from the other guys. i still grew up being teased and taunted. and i hated that feeling. and that didnt make me happy at all.
happy endings then may be a pipe dream for some us who continue to be persecuted because of who we are. what is ideally a question for everybody becomes particularly poignant for us who feel disadvantaged right at the start. and this is an experience we share with other disadvantaged groups... color, creed, disability.
but having said that, my response: happiness is not found at the end of the road, it is found along the way. which is very similar to what mgg said. it is the journey that matters. you HAVE to be happy and peaceful now, as you go your way being gay. and there a zillion reasons for being happy.
yun lang. =)
9 comments:
hi CC. it was harder for me. i wasn't out in HS and never had m2m sex until i was 27. late bloomer. i wish i could have had more fun when i was younger, sexier and tastier. i'm too old to be delectable now. your posts are inspiring though. may market nama siguro ako, i just have to find it.
sent you email last week.
The irony is we refer to ourselves as gay, the original meaning being merry, joyous, or happy. I think we should be. Spread a little cheer, it'll come back ten-fold.
hello fenestrations! thanks for the email. regrets i havent responded due to the workload. must have really been hard on you, having been in the closet till a later age. but come on, being tasty and delectable is as much a function of our attitude as it is our actual physical self!!! look at me! hehehe
true, true quent. we are supposed to be GAY but a lot are not HAPPY.
i remember the jocks would ask me to sit on their hard ons or bounce my behind on their crotches while they wrapped their arms around me from behind. was in grade 6, they were hi school. but when i reached hi school, my classmates didn't thrill me... except one. quiet lang sya but was always smiling. we would go and see movies together with his arm over my shoulder and would slap my thigh when he was enjoying the movie. i wish to see him again. gwapo pa rin daw e. hehehe
wow. nice experience anonymous one. do hook up with him!
I am still hopeful for a happy ending although most pink films I watched, (daybreak, bangkok love story, the love of siam, etc) showed unhappy endings. Those movies just broke my heart, especially daybreak, when it seems that even love may not be enough to keep a relationship.
I just hope I have a better ending than those in the movies.
P.S. In no way though I am discouraging you to watch those movies, because for me they are some of the good ones I've seen recently.
just wanting some answers to my own questions...
I do agree that happy endings are gender neutral. It doesn't really choose a favorite. But I can't just help but feel that most gay people end up alone (which can sometimes be equated to being lonely).
Sure, happiness is found more along the way rather than the last destination, but at times, does the end justify the means (forgive my wrong use of the context, but just try to fit it in)?
The end meaning, what happens next when you've experienced it all? Gone happy and gay about life. Where do you find your self next? My greatest fear in living a gay life is growing old alone. I know I know, spare the women. But sometimes, getting married becomes an option so tempting during such times when you find yourself all alone.
Have you ever felt the same? Or maybe I'm just a bit young and needs to form my own values still?
you should remain optimistic, joaqs... we make our happy endings, ultimately! havent watched the thai films. would love to!
fbitc: a lot of gay people may end up alone and some may end up lonely, true.
if you see happiness as an end, then you'll really find the means to make it happen. and some of them may find you worse off than before.
your fears are natural. and for some, it becomes worse as they become older. the fear becomes more real. but the more you think of the fear, the more real it becomes (the secret). think of that happy ending. own that. and it is yours.
While growing up, I have realized that most people are not happy not because of external reasons, but more of internalized restrictions.
You feel handicapped? Who isn't? You feel persecuted? Who isn't? One way or the other, in our own unique way people are hadicapped and persecuted. Choose your poison, your background, the way you look, the way you speak, the way you carry yourself, or for no reason at all. Life isn't fair, it never is. So why make such a big deal out of it to the point where you can't find your happiness. Suck it up and enjoy life. ><
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