knee-jerk reaction of a jerk

I feel like a total jerk. I arrive home after a long day at work then gym to find guests of my folks having fun as one of them plays the piano beautifully. I acknowledge them with my sweet smile as I am introduced by my mom, with much pride in her eyes. One of the guests remarks "We want to hear you sing."

Knee-jerk reaction: "I have to beg off, Ma'am. I have to get up early tomorrow. But I promise to sing for you one of these days!" and I smile sweetly, pretentiously. She smiles back and shrugs off my 'rejection' of her offer.

I sit at the dinner table as they continue singing along to the pianist. And I'm beating myself up for my stupid reaction.

It's instinctive. Asking me to just do something, to perform for guests, without preparation reminds me of my growing up years. I resented such impromptu performances, brought about by my parents, proud to show off our talents. But back then, I had no choice but to obey.

I don't want to be told what to do at this age! Sheesh. I will perform when I want to. Not because I have to. And certainly not impromptu.

BS. really. I'm just plain scared. It's just fear of ridicule. Fear of singing badly that I will be laughed at. Good grief. At this age.

And I hate myself for it. I should be grabbing each and every opportunity to sing and perform. Because that's the only way I will get feedback. And I will learn and improve. Yet I'm too much of a coward. And much too proud to be subjected to possible humiliation. And all they wanted was a song or two.

What a jerk.


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