Sunday, March 18, 2007

what's your "coming to terms" story?


this is one of my classic conversation starters - how did you realize that you had M2M attractions? i enjoy the stories, an entire gamut of ages, scenarios and experiences that have been intimated to me.

mine is not particularly interesting, though. i started out straight. duh. seriously, from about five to eight, i was kissing my girl classmates, playing with the nipples of my yaya, and being sexually stimulated by my dad's playboy, penthouse magazines. then i entered an all-boys school. then i had asthma. i couldnt get into sports because after a few minutes of running around, i'd be gasping for air. i had to go for more cerebral pursuits - i turned to reading Nancy Drew. :) and getting drawn to others like me - the maximo oliveros story circa 80's or better yet maximo meets bagets.

so i went from being the sissy nerd to actually getting attracted to some of my hunky classmates. it was confirmed through a wet dream starring one particularly hunky classmate! i was terrified! summer of 78, after graduating from elementary, i was having a chummy-chummy thingie with a straight classmate. that eventually became my first boyfriend.

high school was just great for me, for us! for whatever reason, our straight classmates were COURTING us! and we had the best to pick from: the captain of the varsity basketballl team, the captain of the varsity football team, the officers of CMT (chuva military training)! it actually became quite a status symbol for these guys, some of them quite good looking, to have 'gel-friends' (that's us). it was so 'in'. i even got to say NO to some suitors! (mapili ang lola mo).

funny though - i didnt have sex with any of my boyfriends in high school. we went as far as torrid kissing (that's how we used to call it). why? sex was still scary for me.

it was only in college that our barkada started feeling the 'urges'. i guess it was only around this time that i finally came to terms with my sexuality. i was having boyfriends yes but the fact that i didnt cross the sexual threshold meant for me that it was just a phase. that was how i was denying myself.

during freshman year at that public school in diliman, i came out to my parents (not entirely of my own volition). and that's another post.

so dear reader, how did YOU come to terms with your 'self'?

15 comments:

iknw_now2 said...

I don't know what to say..I just can't imagine that you are like my ex-bf. When we started, he already admit that he's a gay..We almost got married but then he has a lot more time with his friends than with me. I just have a question, can you possibly fall for a woman ,too. If, so, what do you look for in a woman??? Have you been in a bf-gf relationship before??

justin said...

after wondering for yrs (very implicitly in my head), i went looking for "coming out" stories online (first time using internet too) and after a story or two (there was no blogs back then), i came upon porn... "oh, i guess i'm gay." i just turned 19 the day before.

Finzione said...

By simply accepting myself for being who I am. I used to pretend I'm straight (most of us do, but I don't think it justifies the wrongness of what I've done). But I realized that this is me, and sooner or later I will just have to accept the fact that I'm gay so to save myself from the trouble, I accepted sexuality from that very moment.

Don't get me wrong, If you ask me if I'd want to be a woman in my next life, I'd say no. I'd still be a guy. Why? I'm happy being a gay guy.

Finzione said...

Well, I know the question isn't mine, but as you can see, I'm very eager to share my story too.

I used to have a lots of girlfriends when I was in 4th year HS (I'm a 3rd year college student as of the moment). I used to think that, if I get to have lots of girls, I would somehow forget the fact that I'm gay. Boy, was I wrong.

For me, Gay-Girl relationships only happen when the gay guy is in the state of denial. I like to have to have sex (read: sex, not make love)with girls, but there's just no passion and no connection.

www.finzione.rocks.it

closet case said...

thanks for the comments, people. i'll turn this into something regular, post more stories from friends (some with their permission, others, well, ill have to take some liberties)
ive had sex with A girl, twice, just to prove to myself that my dong could get it up in front of a lady (if needed). it did... then. i dont know if it would still respond. recently got an offer from a former hada to f_ck a hot young chick. i had to decline.
i havent had a girlfriend, though i have had some attractions till now. i fantasize sometimes, being intimate with them. BUT strictly just with the girls i like, not with GIRLS in general.

iknw_now2 said...

Personally,I have been very close to some of these what we called "gay guys" and also some of them intend to pursue me, I don't know why. But you, I have been eyeing you for years, have been hearing that you're gay but it didn't affect me at all. I don't know but there's a strong feeling that I can forget a lot about most of these so called moral values for an intimate moment with you. I am also not sure if I have the guts to let you know of this feelings and of course of who am I. The big question is, will I be included to those girls you fantasize, I hope so. But as long as I can hide this, maybe I will just stare at you in a distance and dream of you till someone real would come along...I love you!!!

closet case said...

whoa... i cant believe you actually know me. im speechless.... and flattered (assuming that i am who you think i am)

iknw_now2 said...

Yes, i know you..as in!!! And I believe you already have an idea of who really am I. You're just so kind to pretend you don't. I just hope nothing would change. I have this feeling for you eversince, wasn't given a chance to show it because of some "rules and regulations" and coz of the fact that we're of different level. I am really thankful when I've discovered your blog, at least I have a chance to share about my feelings. I also intend to reveal myself, it's just that am still afraid that you might misjudge me if I do...and of course the fear that you might not feel the same way for me..AHH!!!So many complications. Kinda weird how I am starting to sacrifice some of the most important things just to let you know of this feeling. Hope you can still manage to make friends with me after all of this

f i l l i b u s t e r o said...

ganito ang drama ng kasama ko sa workgroup, halos lahat ng gurlash sa office type niya, in 3 months tatlo na napormahan (niligawan) niyang chick pero hanggang sa ngayun wala pa siya napapasagot.

pero nung nandun kami sa galera, while i was "sleeping" he was deliberately brushing his leg sa aking junjun.

sandali, ba't istorya ng iba niwewento ko?!? ahehehehe!

iknw_now2 said...

do you intend not to post my last comment?? It's ok..

closet case said...

tuloy lang an kwento fillibustero! exciting yun.. i hope he turns out to be attractive para masaya ang ending.

iknw, busy lang po kaya di ako nakapost agad. i still dont know how to react. maybe better left anonymous?

f i l l i b u s t e r o said...

@closet case: hindi ko rin naisip kung he is attractive or not, hindi sumagi sa isip ko yun ah. matitigan ko nga siya mula ulo hanggang ulo sa baba asap. ahahahaha!

iknw_now2 said...

Thanks for that!!! Maybe it's better off that way..

Anonymous said...

wth?! that 4th paragraph... no way! that is just... unheard of (well, for me)... and that was when again? i wasn't even born (sorry)...

gah!!! my brain... short-circuit...

Drei2010 said...

Hi.. just discovered your blog a couple of days ago and i'm having tons of fun reading it and the comments. Thanks for coming up with this.

-Got interested in this budding anonymous romance though. iknow_now, got a question for you. just to clarify, are you a girl, or a narnian as well?