the fabcast in full!

hey people. here's the link to our latest podcast of the fabcasters!

the mcvie in stereo

three segments eto. hope you enjoy as much as we did!

kiss the bride

a more 'senior' audience would appreciate this comedy. a bit of a stretch to me - tori spelling's character must have been a cross between mother teresa and goldie hawn. but it builds up the sexual tension nicely. its really best friend's wedding in pink. the movie was okay but it didnt have me particularly doing a standing ovation. but the leads are H-O-T!

that four-letter word

l-o-v-e

not the other one

i received an admission from brandon. he sent me an sms, telling me that he loves me. i was flattered and quite flabbergasted. my reply: thank you. he followed it up with a message that he was in denial for so long, only because what he felt was conflicting with what he believed in. and i replied that i knew this, which was why i was working on a true friendship, no expectations, no sex.

yes, i am very much flattered by this declaration. after all, this guy has admirers all around him. but then i realized that he loves me because of how i make him feel. because i am a shoulder to cry on. because we could laugh at the silliest things. and he could be his vulnerable, conflicted self with me.

but truth be told, he hardly really knows me. most of our conversations are about him and his views, his problems, his issues. and i dont mind at all because i like listening, probing, clarifying. i like to be a person who could help someone make better sense of himself and his life. i'm a counselor at heart.

so i am realizing that he bases his feelings for me not because he has gotten to know me but because he has gotten to know himself through me. and while i am flattered, i am also saddened that he is a person who views love largely on the basis of this emotional high. and he is not the only one.

i wonder if they would still love me if they knew more about me. or if loving me was going to 'cost' them: discomfort, inconvenience and even pain. what if i became busy and couldn't always listen to them? or if i have problems of my own? would i be able to run to them? would they listen? would they still 'love' me?

it is so easy to get caught up in the rapture of a new 'love'. but now, i'm beginning to know better.

... or am i being too cynical?

i wish i could be 'eating out 2'

finally got to watch this 'first-ever gay movie sequel' thoroughly enjoyed 'eating out 1' and i must say that i enjoyed this one, too!

we watched it as a barkada so that was already so much fun. q allan brocka knows how to pick the HOTTEST guys! good grief. with full frontal nudity pa.


i wont get into plot summaries and reviews. all i want to say is that after watching that movie, my temperature was rising, i had a boner, and i was DYING to get laid.

unfortunately, nuthin' close to that happened last night. pahamak kasi etong si Frank.

pantasya for real

i guess it started when dg actor became a semi-regular ah..hmm... service item (?) from time to time, i'd get sms from him, offers really, because he still needs extra dough. on a few occasions, when i was feeling both philanthropic and slightly libidinal, i'd agree. i might have been 'labeled' as a 'patron'.

last week, i get this sms, unknown number: "helo fren ako ni dg actor. actor rin ako. musta?"

puzzled, we had an exchange of sms. his name is... leandro (let's call him this). he got my number from dg actor (!@#) because they were passing by the condo before. and he wanted to establish contact long before but was just too busy with shoots (oh di ba, actor talaga?)

i didnt follow through that time. but yesterday, i got sms from him again. and i had to ask him bluntly what he wanted. leandro was offering his 'service'. and he since he was bored (no shoot), he thought last night was the best time. he was insistent and so i was able to haggle to half of his initial asking rate. i agreed, quite hesitantly, after checking him out online.

yes, he really is an actor! has come out in a few dg films. and luckily, he still had a pic on the net. NOT BAD LOOKING! and he came out in one of those dvd compilations designed for the PLU! i admit though, that i couldn't remember his segment. but U-tube quickly solved that. and i realized that this guy is for real. wow, artista na naman eto!

soon enough, he came over. and he is REALLY the guy. he's better looking in person. and was actually sexy. so we got down to business.

service-wise, this guy has no qualms about 'servicing', unlike dg actor. and worked, he did. and afterwards... a peck and "sa mauulit..."

wow. another actor. (well, even if they are dg, small budget types!) i'm just amazed that i am suddenly 'tasting' such delights. it has always been a fantasy - the 'celebrity' fuck. they are no celebs, and they are for hire. but to see them in the flesh (PUN INTENDED), still blows me away (2ND PUN)

sarap pala. LOL

the duffel

travel time! an overnighter. a quick romp with brandon, or enigma, or half-pint... i pack my stuff in any one of these duffel bags...



sandstorm $350. not bad for P15,000?



this is bottega veneta. $1,270. omg - more than P55T



bill amberg for $1,060

i just love this take on the doctor's bag. look at that finish! dunhill $3,065 (P134T!!!)



nice colors. perfect with khakis. tumi $795 (hmmm. kaya na...)



okay. kinda boring. but classy. and its still louis vuitton. $2,700

my best: toss-up between tumi and dunhill.

BUI

Blogging Under the Influence...

fabcasters just left. we were having a blast doing a podcast, after a long hiatus.

i won't pre-empt the podcast. but i will say that i am currently under the influence of alcohol. we were drinking wine, which has this smooth way of making one... light.

so BUI for me is going to be just rambling...

... i used to be dating a handful of guys. slowly, surely, they are dropping out. different reasons. but some choose not to be part of my 'date list'. they'd rather go exclusive dating. i don't blame them.

... im not a big fan of anal sex. but i aint no 'g0y' either. i just feel pressured to have to penetrate because i happen to be with a bottom. and pressure has a way of 'undoing' a very good boner. worse is when you are in the middle of humping, the smell... no, the ODOR hits you... SHIT. (literally). good grief. he didnt clean up too well. no wonder some have taken to extreme measures to denounce anal sex. *sigh*

... anti-tatay day. sheesh. there must have been hundreds of articles on father's day in the papers today... hundreds. good fathers, bad fathers. lies my father told me. father fashion. father to be. *GROAN* don't get me wrong. i lUUUV my dad. but milking the concept dry just takes away the meaning of it. puhlease. let's focus on a few good ones that would make us just go up to tatay one more time, with a great big hug and 'I LOVE YOU.'

... i wish i didnt have to wake up early tomorrow. i wish i could wake up when i please. but life says otherwise.

... wala na. yun lang. tulog na ako.

new concepts im amazed with

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: MANAGEMENT DISCUSSION THAT MAY BE EXTREMELY BORING.

there are some new concepts in management that i found fascinating in their simplicity:

cap and trade

These systems draw on the power of the marketplace to reduce emissions in a cost-effective and flexible manner. In practice, cap-and-trade systems create a financial incentive for emission reductions by assigning a cost to polluting. First, an environmental regulator establishes a “cap” that limits emissions from a designated group of polluters, such as power plants, to a level lower than their current emissions. The emissions allowed under the new cap are then divided up into individual permits—usually equal to one ton of pollution—that represent the right to emit that amount.

Because the emissions cap restricts the amount of pollution allowed, permits that give a company the right to pollute take on financial value. Companies are free to buy and sell permits in order to continue operating in the most profitable manner available to them. So, those that are able to reduce emissions at a low cost can sell their extra permits to companies facing high costs (which will generally prefer to buy permits rather than make costly reductions themselves).

from Catalyst, April 2005

i find this very interesting. you put a cap to something because of its negative consequences. but such things are justified as, perhaps, necessary evils in the business (carbon emissions). this cap is then divided among different companies (polluters) as permits. companies who need more 'permits' (because they pollute more) could 'buy' the permits from others who need less (a marketplace). polluters, in essence, become financially burdened to continue to operate. meanwhile, companies who pollute less are 'rewarded' financially, being able to sell their permits. there is now a real financial motivation to reducing pollution or emissions! Power of the Marketplace!

im now looking at other ways by which the concept could be applied, in other 'necessary evils' of operations.

opt out rather than opt in

this is a small part of the book 'nudge' (which i still have to get a copy of...) the book deals with 'choice architecture'. my understanding: how systems are set up that make us choose one option over the other, almost unconsciously. one example is as simple as 'opting out' rather than 'opting in'

we have all encountered checkboxes where the default setting is not to participate ("Check the box if you want to donate charity.") such a default setting encourages non-participation, according to their study on behavioral economics. but by simply reversing the default option (set to participating: "Check the box if you do NOT want to donate to charity.") response rates were significantly higher because of this reversal!

Check the box if you do not want a date with piolo pascual... (binakla na naman - hehehe)

and similar to the first concept, im now looking at how to put this in operation...

a first ever

"i love you... nagulat ka ba?"

"... thank you."

"kala ko sasabihin mo 'i dont blame you'"

laughter.

we were already in each other's arms, going at it. when he said that, i stopped.

"di ka pa ready, di ba?... kailan ka ba magiging ready?"

suddenly, i felt that sexual energy going south.

"may maasahan ba ako sa iyo?"

im still there, on his chest as he asks me. and suddenly im out of words. i didnt know how to say "No... walang papupuntahan eto"

"im really enjoying single life now. and i can't put a timeline. di ko alam kung kailan ako magiging ready to commit.... im seeing other guys and i tell them all the same thing: let's have fun and not expect."

"ok lang... marami pala kaming dini-date mo... sige let's have fun."

we tried to pick up. couldnt anymore. for the first time, i felt sex left the room. and for the first time, i had a totally unconsumated experience.

we dressed up and i took him home.

"can i still call you 'be'? ... actually, ive waited for you for 12 yrs. what's another 12, di ba? bahala na..."

he left the car. and i went home.

SATC the movie

no, i won't spoil it for you if you haven't seen it yet. (but you better start questioning your sexual preference if you haven't) i enjoyed my heroines again.

what i didn't like too much: they all glammed up for the movie. in every scene (except one for SJP). even dowdy miranda was so smashing (check her do and her accessories!), a slight feeling that the story is being stretched for the big screen. and with two hours, the witticisms and wisecracks became few and far between. and carrie suddenly so financially stable... i kinda liked the starving writer aura about her. and the POOR EDITING just to minimize the R parts.

what i love about it: fashion, fashion... did i mention fashion? they literally filled up the big screen with glamour and luxury. i love the wedding spread! WOW. that was a fashion highlight. that is the counterpart of the 'transformation scene', the cut-to-cut fashion montage of andy in Devil Wears Prada. the emotional highlight i was expecting BUT it still elicited tears from me! i felt the pain.

i still find the storybook ending a bit incredulous, only because i could still feel her pain. but trust the narration to explain that.

earlier, i read a blurb 'this is the best date movie of the year'. SATC? date movie???? this is chick flick, girl power! but after watching... yeah, it is a date movie... it made me want to give up singlehood and fall in love (but only till the last of the end-credits. hahaha)

a sweet tormented soul

finally saw brandon last weekend, after his long trip. he had been texting really sweet 'miss you' stuff though. and i was just kilig. he invited me to a party but asked that we have dinner first. i invited him over and prepared a quick bite for us.

he seemed genuinely happy to see me and share his experience during the trip. then he brought out a book, a gift for me. an inspirational book. and the card read "you're in the prayers of someone who cares". i was melting... till i turned the card over. it read "cc, my brother, cheers"

AAAAAAHHHH. "brother pala!!!!" fantasy crumbled right there. but i was still really touched by the gesture. when we were leaving for the party, i hugged him and was hoping for a kiss. all i got was a smack, pursed lips.

in his car, we got to talk about spiritual stuff, brought on by the book 'the secret'. and with that conversation i got to know a sweet but conflicted soul. he holds very strong christian beliefs , including how wrong a homosexual lifestyle is. and that he continues to struggle, trying to keep his 'demons' at bay. he told me he liked me, specially after that night we spent together. but he felt so wrong about it. and he knew that he wouldnt be able to commit either. because he believes that only a heterosexual union could last. so he quickly wanted to establish our 'friendship', to level expectations, mine in particular.

i appreciated such honesty and felt saddened by the conflict he must be going through. i understand him up to a certain level. because i went through such faith-related conflicts myself. though i have found the path to my peace, i know he must have to find his own.

meanwhile, i see such torment in his eyes. he doesn't deny his attractions to other men. but he wants to stop from acting on them. yet he has not had any satisfying relationship with either men or women.

and the fact that he is super-attractive has made it harder for him. temptations come from everywhere.

i wish i could help him. i offered a hug of friendship this time. no sexual undertones. just a friendly shoulder to lean on.

IJ Case 4: CB - kissing cousins

its been eons since i stepped inside CB in pasay. had to force my friend to bring me there and orient me. before we proceeded to the counter, a guy was ahead of us. friend told me to check him out. PWEDE.

inside, friend was so nice to take me on a tour. so i aint gonna look stupid. once i had the layout figured out, we went our separate ways. im suddenly recall mcvie's post on bath house etiquette. hmm. im suddenly wondering where on the normal curve i fall.

friend points out two guys chatting, both in their undies. wow. they are hot. and the other guy happens to be the guy we saw coming in. si PWEDE.

i noticed them checking me out. hmmm. i went to the nearby rest room. pwede follows and takes the other urinal. and soon we're chatting. he is with his cousin. unfortunately, none of us have rooms. *sigh* i joined them chatting along the hallway. cousin is hot. nice bod. nice smile. i had to find a way.

left them to see if i could get an upgrade. lady luck smiles on me and a room is available. i motioned to my playmates. we go inside and soon, we are at it.

WOW. second cousins going at it. i got so turned on just watching them. pretty soon, they were on me and we were working it... all ways. tagal na kaya na di ako na-troika. both hot (but cous is so much hotter). and f**k, both have something to be proud of. p.i. talaga - beginner's luck for me.

best part: seeing both of them on my chest, playing with my n*ppl*s. and sometimes, they'd focus on one and kiss. p.i. i shoot my load. (they didnt. they'll probably go at it again later with another one) we lie in bed, all three of us squeezing on that tiny mattress. i was connecting with cous. but i think they're a tag team.

i had to leave. wanted to desperately get cous' number. but i chickened out. didnt want to offend pwede.

you can tell how excited i was. it's almost 2am and i just had to get this out of my system. including the deep regret that i didnt get the number and won't ever have fun with cous again.

but dude. great 'welcome back to cb' greeting.

mag-exorcise tayo (...tuwing umaga)

i have ghosts in the condo. the ghosts of my ex. he continues to be all around, because a lot of his stuff remains there. we are still in the middle of negotiations. so he continues to technically own half of the place. and i get this feeling that he is deliberately sitting on the matter. perhaps because he wants storage for all that junk. and he doesn't want to have to sort through all that stuff, pick and pack.

so i have boxes lying around the tiny condo. with more things scattered throughout the nooks & crannies. ghosts. all of them.

one major ghost is the bed frame. that frame was his contribution to the unit, a piece of furniture he purchased long before. and to save on costs, he brought it to the unit. we bought the mattress. and for 7 years, that was our bed.


when he left, he didn't want to take it. he said he didn't need it. i didn't want it either. but had no choice but to use it while i shop for a new bed frame. i tried 'our home' and didn't like the designs there. too nouveau contemporary. thank God for my friend who did the interiors of the condo. he offered to custom-make a new bed frame for me! at a discount!

my sushi bed arrived this morning, a wooden bed with distressed leather headboard, tailored to my specifications (no footboard, enough space underneath for storage). it had clean straight lines, very masculine. matte wenge finish. and they painstakingly assembled it.

i also specified that it should be able to hold a variety of different people (hahaha). the absence of the footboard would allow my taller dates to stretch comfortably!



as they assembled it, i was thinking of the exorcism ritual. i was slowly taking on the ghosts of the unit with the removal of his bed frame. i'm buying a new mattress, too. but i'm not rushing that. need to study all my options.

one less ghost. hooray!



p.s. i still sleep on one side of the bed.