finally saw brandon last weekend, after his long trip. he had been texting really sweet 'miss you' stuff though. and i was just kilig. he invited me to a party but asked that we have dinner first. i invited him over and prepared a quick bite for us.
he seemed genuinely happy to see me and share his experience during the trip. then he brought out a book, a gift for me. an inspirational book. and the card read "you're in the prayers of someone who cares". i was melting... till i turned the card over. it read "cc, my brother, cheers"
AAAAAAHHHH. "brother pala!!!!" fantasy crumbled right there. but i was still really touched by the gesture. when we were leaving for the party, i hugged him and was hoping for a kiss. all i got was a smack, pursed lips.
in his car, we got to talk about spiritual stuff, brought on by the book 'the secret'. and with that conversation i got to know a sweet but conflicted soul. he holds very strong christian beliefs , including how wrong a homosexual lifestyle is. and that he continues to struggle, trying to keep his 'demons' at bay. he told me he liked me, specially after that night we spent together. but he felt so wrong about it. and he knew that he wouldnt be able to commit either. because he believes that only a heterosexual union could last. so he quickly wanted to establish our 'friendship', to level expectations, mine in particular.
i appreciated such honesty and felt saddened by the conflict he must be going through. i understand him up to a certain level. because i went through such faith-related conflicts myself. though i have found the path to my peace, i know he must have to find his own.
meanwhile, i see such torment in his eyes. he doesn't deny his attractions to other men. but he wants to stop from acting on them. yet he has not had any satisfying relationship with either men or women.
and the fact that he is super-attractive has made it harder for him. temptations come from everywhere.
i wish i could help him. i offered a hug of friendship this time. no sexual undertones. just a friendly shoulder to lean on.
6 comments:
He has the freedom to be attracted to the same sex. Indi naman bawal ma-attract eh. Masyado naman nya sinusupress sarili nya. If he doesn't want to have sexual relations with men because of his religious beliefs, okay lang yun. Pero I think me freedom naman tayo to be attracted/love another person.
The essence of Christianity is The New Testament (forgiveness, understanding), not the Old. So voila! Problem solved. Unfortunately bible zealots (i.e. dumb rednecks, narrow-minded conservative folks, idiot Republicans, Iglesia ni Cristo, etc.) do not realize this.
mr schizo: i think he allows himself to get attracted to other men. kaso it's drawing the line that gets to him. its so hard to stop yourself from acting on an attraction!
hi borg_queen. unfortunately, even the new testament has a verse against it. =(
too bad he's deeply religious, instead of being deeply spiritual.
come on cc. you don't wanna be around for that drama.
"no sexual undertones"?
why do i find this so hard (no pun intended!) to believe? =)
thanks, trey. religious and spiritual - two different things but not mutually exclusive. and as for that drama, well, thanks, too. maybe i do want some drama???
gbic, you must believe me. im capable, too.
=)
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