l-o-v-e
not the other one
i received an admission from brandon. he sent me an sms, telling me that he loves me. i was flattered and quite flabbergasted. my reply: thank you. he followed it up with a message that he was in denial for so long, only because what he felt was conflicting with what he believed in. and i replied that i knew this, which was why i was working on a true friendship, no expectations, no sex.
yes, i am very much flattered by this declaration. after all, this guy has admirers all around him. but then i realized that he loves me because of how i make him feel. because i am a shoulder to cry on. because we could laugh at the silliest things. and he could be his vulnerable, conflicted self with me.
but truth be told, he hardly really knows me. most of our conversations are about him and his views, his problems, his issues. and i dont mind at all because i like listening, probing, clarifying. i like to be a person who could help someone make better sense of himself and his life. i'm a counselor at heart.
so i am realizing that he bases his feelings for me not because he has gotten to know me but because he has gotten to know himself through me. and while i am flattered, i am also saddened that he is a person who views love largely on the basis of this emotional high. and he is not the only one.
i wonder if they would still love me if they knew more about me. or if loving me was going to 'cost' them: discomfort, inconvenience and even pain. what if i became busy and couldn't always listen to them? or if i have problems of my own? would i be able to run to them? would they listen? would they still 'love' me?
it is so easy to get caught up in the rapture of a new 'love'. but now, i'm beginning to know better.
... or am i being too cynical?
16 comments:
GAGA! It's wisdom and a clearer sense of perspective, not cynicism. If you were cynical, you'd be scoffing off Brandon's declarations (or anyone else's for that matter).
(And now, excuse me for the "gaga" bit.)
how emphatic, mcvie! but appreciated nonetheless! however, scoffing at Brandon would be dismissing his feelings, and that, i feel, is not fair. =)
It takes a lot of emotional maturity not to indulge yourself on the prospect of getting into a potentially ego-boosting relationship with a guy who fancies you for a good reason but not the right reason. I admire you for that. But how do you know that you are not "just being afraid" of shattering the illusion you created for him - the one you think he loves? How do you know that this person does not love you for who you are (that he does know you) or for that matter, getting into a relationship with you may cause him to love you despite causing them "discomfort, inconvenience and even pain"?
What a sad post. Makes you think twice about the whole concept of love. Sounds to me like Brandon's in like, not in love, maybe as close as one can get to love, but is just a full blown case of infatuation.
Where does one draw the line between infatuation and love? I'm a cynic at 20. Geez.
it is stupid to say that he loves you, i remember someone asking me the question why you love me? I cant think of any answer but I realize, when you love you shouldn't have no reason at all... the reason he loves you is, you became his constant adviser, you became his mirror, he just can see himself thru you instead of seeing you in the other side of the slate.
nice point, cc.
wi
Love is when jumps in with both feet without expectations. But then, this is just me and my philisohy on the run.
"however, scoffing at Brandon would be dismissing his feelings, and that, i feel, is not fair."
Correct! That's why I believe you're NOT cynical yet. =)
sa totoo lang, you've grown up. i think it's better to tell him na about it before it's too late.
i think he's confusing love with therapy sessions.
or apprentice to mentor?
or maybe in love with the idea of love?
i believe the hardest love to find is the one that loves inspite of, despite of, and because of.
here's hoping we find that.
scratch a cynic and you'll uncover a romantic.
mcvie is right. its wisdom. discernment. a clearer perspective. not cynicism at all.
hello anonymous one. good contrary point of view. hmm.
hi jason. well, maybe you are not cynical either. just like me, you may just be 'wiser' at 20...
hi chris. that's what i feel or what i felt...
thanks, wi.
thanks for the comment, nevertheless, quent.
there really is nothing else to tell him, ming meows. he admitted his feelings. that was that raw. no expectation of a reply.
hi trey. maybe, maybe.
cc, i have been following your blog for quite a long time now. from pinas to japan to malaysia. (taon na yata ito)
sometimes i feel that ur not over with ur ex. after him, all r merely ...merely.
wi
have a nice weekend ahead.
hi wi! (i feel like im saying highway. hihi)
thanks for being a loyal reader! wow. am flattered that this cybernovelesque life of mine is regular reading!
i dont think ill ever really be over, over him. he'll always be a part of me (not just my life). though i dont think all this that ive been doing is a result of this 'pining' for a lost love. in a sense, its totally deliberate... thanks.
sad post. napadaan lang ako sa blog mu. ayun.
hello looking for the source. daan ka uli.
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