planning retirement... the sequel

i have to direct you to the blog of conventional wisdom on a post about the mid-life crisis. quite long but worth the read, especially for us in that age group! that includes you, mcvie! haha

im reading it and feeling im pretty normal. and that all those posts are reflections of a phase... hehe

thanks, conventional wisdom!

planning retirement

i did not conscious plan this. but with the way my life is turning out, im actually laying out my retirement. i've started the nano-enterprise. im now doing part-time teaching. hopefully, ill get positive evaluations. and i could expand my course offerings. its not that im in a hurry to retire. im really just grabbing opportunities, believing that there are no accidents in my life.

im probably giving myself a few more years in the company. then i could retire early. if the company likes me, they could still retain me as a consultant. meanwhile, i devote more time to teaching and the business. consultancy becomes another revenue stream, something that follows teaching. then i will pursue my doctorate degree...

and finally give my dad the satisfaction of a 'doctor CC' son... so far, im happy with how it's turning out...

shower experience

it's not what you think.

i am usually in auto-mode when i take a shower. especially recently. due to the workload. so i use shower time to think, sometimes outloud... as i automatically go through shampoo, soap, rinse, etc.

but this time, at the gym, i decided to just take it slow. i closed my eyes and concentrated on the sensation of taking a shower.

it felt great, just feeling the jet streams of water on my nape, my head. i like water which is just a tad hot. nothing scalding. i feel more refreshed with hot water. i love the shower at the gym. it delivers consistent water temperature, unlike at other branches. i hate water that varies from hot to cold!

i felt the drops on my face. i remember watching on tv how the drops of water create positive ions in the immediate environment. these actually lead to cleaner air and an immediate clearer feeling...

i start with shampoo on my head. i massaged the cream on my scalp, feeling slight pressure from my fingertips, feeling the shampoo foam go down. i rinsed off. then i massaged the conditioner on my scalp. i prefer separating the shampoo from the conditioner, unless i am in a hurry.

i leave the conditioner on my hair as i start soaping myself. i start with my hands, my arms, my armpits. i still have my eyes closed as i feel the lather working up. then my neck, my nape. then i soap my chest and notice the how few my chest hairs are. haha. then my back gets lathered, followed by my groin, my thighs, legs and feet.

i make sure that i scrub well, particularly my legs and my feet. I balance on one leg, leaning on the wall. i remember the glass walls of fitness first in makati. one hand on those walls was already a signal. hahaha.

i rinse off the conditioner and all the rest of soap. i make sure that water actually hits all surfaces. which is why i prefer telephone-type shower heads... those that allow you to focus the water jet on the portion that needs rinsing. i like the squeaky clean feeling.

i end with my face, with my face wash. i love the feel of water on my face, this last rinsing...

i opened my eyes and felt so refreshed. it feels good to be focused on the here and now. from time to time.

too many chefs...

im flipping through the dailies. thursday pdi lifestyle is about eating and more eating. and chefs, chefs and more chefs. this metropolis is churning out "chefs" like diplomas in recto before.

certainly, lifestyle media have driven this. it is another route to celebrity status (much like show business and sports/athletics). and the fact that a lot of them also happen to be extremely good looking did not happen by chance.

even talking to PLU acquaintances, a lot of the young ones dream of becoming chefs. and a few old ones who are rethinking their careers. eto talaga hilig ko, magluto

you may detect the negative tone. well, only as an ordinary Juan who thinks that there's just too many of them. and all of them seem to do the same things (their dishes look interchangeable. hehe)

but on the economics of it... it really should be very good for us Filipinos. there must really be a penchant for the kitchen in our collective genes (much like karaoke). and it is another 'exportable' talent. this particular 'skilled labor' category oversupply will bring down their cost. actually, this is their ticket towards enterpreneurship.

i guess in the long run, as they truly professionalize, there will be a way to really highlight the great ones from the good. and those would be the one that would really deserve 'celebrity status'.

waking up

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hi. salamat at nakarating ka. akala ko di na tayo magkakaroon ng chance mag-coffee man lang.

kumusta naman ang trabaho? dami rin load no? at least, patapos na ang sem. puro grades na lang.

thanks for the party ha! ang bait bait ng friends at staff mo. mahal ka talaga nila. siyempre, nahiya lang ako nung games pero game pa rin naman.

ok ba yung sukat ng shirt and shorts? sana. bagay sa iyo yun. pinili ko talaga.

i really wanted to say some things kaya ininvite kita ngayon. siguro naman, di ka na magugulat sa mga sasabihin ko. di ko naman talaga itinago ang mga nararamdaman ko.

alam mo, i never realized that a person like you actual exists. seriously. walang bola. you are such an amazing person. i call you the perfect person. sorry if i embarrass you. i just had to say it.

pero di lang naman yun ang gusto kong sabihin. i want to be honest in telling you that i'm in love with you. i want to tell you to your face, no matter how weird or funny. mahal kita. ang sarap ng pakiramdam na mailabas ko na finally.

before you reply... not that im expecting a response... i want you to know that i am very much aware of your circumstances. that you are in a loving relationship of 19 years. and i value that, too.

napag-isip-isip rin ako na. you are too good for me. di kasi ako mabait na tao. alam mo naman ang naging history, especially with my latest ex. i cheated on him. although my ideal is still to be faithful and monogamous, i didn't do it then. and frankly, i am a player. i am also enjoying the casual sex. wow. nahihiya akong aminin lahat eto sa iyo.

but the point really is, i could not deserve you. at least not now. too many warts and pimples. i am really not such a nice, beautiful person. and you deserve only the nicest person. and maybe that's who your lover is.

so im saying i love you and goodbye. hahaha. parang kanta. pero totoo. huwag ka ng mangamba na guguluhin ko ang buhay niyo. di ko rin kasi kayang maging 'friends' talaga with you. di rin naman ako totally mawawala. we still have our common friends, and the parties that hopefully, ill still be invited to.

ang ititigil ko eh yung mga hello text. i am drawing the line. kung business, business lang. pangako ko sa iyo.

meanwhile, i will work at being better person. to finally start integrating my selves. i want to be able to eventually say that i really do deserve a good, nice, beautiful person because i have tried my darndest best to be good and nice, and integrated. uumpisahan ko na.

at kung sakaling magkakaroon tayo ng pagkakataon sa future, ill be very happy. di ko sasabihing maghihintay ako. basta sana kung malaya ka, sana pagtagpuin tayo ng tadhana. at mangyayari na maipapadama ko sa iyo ang pagmamahal ko.

sorry for the drama. i just want to be able to cut clean.

salamat for the opportunity na makilala kita. wala kang katulad. pero masaya pa rin akong may tao palang tulad mo.

sige, go na tayo.

let it be

its been a month and i am still reaching for the unreachable... star.

and dreaming the impossible dream of him and me becoming one.

after the first week of almost no messages, i get a behind-the-scenes view from his friends. he likes me a lot. they were shocked at the way he was talking to me that night. the way he was so comfortable. the way he flirted. they never saw him like that before. because he is truly an introvert. he shuns the limelight. he rarely opens up to people though he is genuinely nice, polite and reserved. a true gentleman.

but not on the night we met. they couldnt believe how we were having a great time together, and how fast we became 'touchy'. maybe it was the wine. but they told me it was me.

and they reprimanded him dearly for it. although they (the friends) were actually setting us up, they never thought we would click instantly. and their guilt overtook them. and remorsefully, they told him to proceed with caution. because he is still in a relationship. because i just came from a disastrous one. because i would just be the loser.

that was why he stopped the texts.

but soon thereafter, i bonded closely with his friends. and although they kept on saying that they were not out to destroy their relationship, they kept on building me up with him, and him with me. and they started to plan (connive) on how we would get together again, despite the prison warden's tight guarding.

i joined their group for dinner last sunday, advance celebration of his birthday. i was seated farthest away from him. and i finally met his lover. his nice but... nice lover. one of his friends whisper: di sila bagay no? hahaha

but i maintained my distance. and i watched him, admired him from afar. and i saw how much his lover adored him. and how they were actually sweet to each other. i felt the knives piercing my heart.

and today, i finally got to spend some time with him, without his lover. in his office as we celebrated his birthday. again, another successful connivance of his friends, ang mga konsintidor. though they would deny this to high heavens.

and he seemed so happy to see me there. and i gamely joined in the fun. and we would talk casually.

i couldnt look at him straight. i melt. and i seem to feel him that way, too. we were both suppressing the urge to be sweet. knowing how inappropriate it would be. and the moments were awkward in a sweet, romantic way. *sigh*

i dont know where this would lead. but im proceeding with care. im just expressing how i feel towards him. he confided to his friends how confusing it was for him, too. how much he likes me. how much he knows he'll just hurt me. and all he could say was "let it be"

and so it will be as it should be... and it dont know what it will be. and how i will be...

and speaking of drop-dead gorgeous

i met somebody who is actually drop-dead gorgeous. he's a commercial model but i guess he's past his prime. artistahin talaga. makes me wonder why he didnt become one. hearing him talk... well, he's not albert einstein. but so are a lot of artistas. but he actually doesnt mind the dumb blonde routine. we were with his boss-friend who actually kids around with him that way.

beautiful face, nothing to criticize. flawless. of course he knows it. of course people were all looking at him like "artista ba yun?" keeps his body trim but not buff.

my cavities ache looking at him. and my mind started to wander. ligiwan ko kaya eto. this is literally a 'trophy boyfriend'. people would probably find ways of stabbing me. or worse, they'll be putting a price tag on his head. or wonder what he saw in me. hahaha

thought balloon burst. better off just admiring the guy. hehe

good morning

no sex for more than a week now. totally.

cuba left last thursday for abroad. it will be short vacation, mainly to look for job opps.

im missing the guy, the kid. physically, he's not drop-dead gorgeous, but i find him very appealing. i like the college-kid lisp. and the drawl. for somebody so young, the guy's been around - 7 lovers in total. admittedly, he started quite young. so there is a sense of 'nagsawa na ako' which actually feels real.

he's so malambing. very, very physical, in private. he's like a bear cub. and i have to say that sex is wow. and he's somebody i could sleep with. (i noticed recently that i've been quite picky about those i could literally sleep with. ive gotten used to sleeping alone that im now quite sensitive to sleeping habits that bother mine. one grinds his teeth. another grabs the blanket. another takes up too much space. arrgh)

well, he'll be back in two weeks. that would make me a monk by end-Oct.

Surviving My First Class

Whew! I survived my first teaching class. I handled this class of MBA students well. I have to admit I was terrified. I felt I needed to prepare so well but because of my numerous activities, I couldn't spend enough time reviewing the concepts and the cases. And the fact that these are MBA students made my anxiety worse. they could be very, very inquisitive and argumentative.

I thank the Lord that I have a good nice class of twenty two students, all graduating. They were not as combative as I expected. And i suddenly felt so relaxed and so calm as I started my class. All the fears just disappeared as i deftly handled the class. They seemed to be enjoying the class and learning. Nobody noticed that we went 15 minutes overtime. Hahaha.

It helps that there was some eye candy. one was really cute. not too active during class participation but when he spoke, he spoke with sense.

It's just the first two of twenty sessions with them. I know I'm going to have fun with this class.

humbling

I just realized I am not attractive and that I dont speak as well as I thought. Hahaha. I was reviewing my interview in a cable TV program. I wasnt able to catch it when it aired. but I got a copy.

I was squirming as I watched myself. di pala talaga ako gwapo. ang mukha ko may mga contortions pag ako'y nagsasalita. nakakatawang tignan. Ang mga facial expressions ko ay may pagka-OA.

Maski yung pagsasalita ko, di rin pala maganda. I had plenty of 'ahh' and 'mmm' in between my sentences... or even within!

Reality check! Hahaha. It was a humbling experience!

*sigh*

'been feeling romantic lately. suddenly the bug bites me and im enjoying the kilig songs. even during busy moments, i'd suddenly de-focus and just smile. and his face i see, his smile. and i just feel warm and fuzzy.

i could have loved you
i know that
i could have been dedicating that karaoke song
to you, angelic you

i could have been having wonderful chats
with you, sweet you
on a park bench, on a sandy shore
in a crowded diner, in a secluded cottage

i could have talked about my dreams
to you, lovely you
i felt you would have wanted to listen
to me, miserable me
my proudest moments, and my shame
my silliness and my faith

i could be sharing my glory
with you, giving the trophy, the medal
to you
I could be the one basking in your sunshine, too
a loud, tearful and noisy ovation for your awards
your recognition
sharing in the beauty
of you, humble you

i could have
but i won't

because someone else does all of that
and more
for you, perfect you