a crisis of sorts

this is faith-related. i declare that early on as a warning.

this started with a conversation with a new friend at the top (54th F) of the banyan tree hotel in bangkok, in the resto/bar vertigo. the view was simply amazing, all 360 degrees of it! and it deserves the name. nakakalula at nakakahilo kung mahina ang sikmura mo.

as we indulge in a few over-priced drinks in the open-air atmosphere, the talk turned serious, about power of visualization, of positive mental images ('the secret' kind of talk). he was talking about this series of workshops he attended which turned his life around. most of that discussion was very familiar (positive thinking, visualization, owning your dreams and desires, etc).

what made this discussion different was when he confronted me with a question: what issues do you still carry with you? and when i talk about the guilt that comes from indulging in casual sex, my very catholic dilemma, he replied with a stinging remark: naku cc, sa ganyang edad mo ay may issue ka pa ba on that?

ouch.

then he went on to discuss how guilt is such a useless emotion. and how all this guilt is not making us more loving, more productive. this guilt stems from other people's norms which we impose upon ourselves.

i did not dare argue. it was a long day, the scene was just too beautiful. i just let him talk. he apologized for being preachy. but he just felt that i had much to offer if i wasn't saddled by this baggage.

guilt baggage. just throw it away. something 'up in the air' character would say during his lecture.

indulging in casual sex. enjoying sex for sex' sake. usually with multiple partners. working on a purely physical attraction level. no relationship. sometimes, no names. no conversation. an occasional grunt. 'oh fuck'. 'im coming.' (see cc & his faith, oscillations)

what's wrong with this? I quote my previous post:

that though the Bible is explicit about homosexual behavior as sinful, I believe that the sin lies in sex and sexual behavior devoid of 'love', purely for passion, or recreation. It is not so much the gender of those involved but the attitude behind the act. I should be treating people as people, as human beings. I fail to treat them right if I have sex with people I do not even love.

i have reasoned out that casual sex is wrong and sinful because i objectify a human being. i reduce him to a need-satisfaction tool. and that should be wrong. even if consensual. even if he is an adult who wants what transpires as much as i do.

or is it?

is it really so wrong to enjoy sex for its sake? if both (or more) parties are adults who agree to enjoy the activity, is it so objectionable? do i feel less of a person because i'm desired as a partner in the sexual? do i feel objectified and treated less than human?

questions that now rock my belief system. if i start to believe that it is not a serious offense, or not a sin at all, i will begin to feel less guilty about it and just enjoy. and ill have less baggage.

but its a row of dominoes. should i then stop confessing this to a priest? could i start to receive communion again? would i now be a better person, more integrated, more loving towards myself and hence, more accepting of other people? or will it not make a difference at all?

sigh. more than four decades of life. no clear answers. no clear questions.