i still struggle with the idea of casual sex versus my catholic faith. hence, i oscillate between phases of celiba-cc and pure indulgence. coming from the long weeks of celiba-cc, i am in an indulgent phase again.
fasting makes feasting so wonderful. so much pent-up desire results in award-winning performances and mind-blowing climax.
but cc is also changing. ive noticed that the pull of anonymous sex has weakened much. i havent indulged in that at all for months now. what used to be a temptation that i literally have to extricate myself from, has become a simple 'i-could-just-walk-away' situation.
casual sex is enjoyed now with 'friends'. i wouldn't even call them fubus. my understanding of a fubu is so transactional, even sports-like in engagement. i cannot enjoy sex that way. i need familiarity, attraction and loads of intimacy even after the sex, which i could only accomplish with 'friends'. so far, there's been a few who would willingly enjoy that with me. but some, i feel, expect more though they do not express it. there's this one person who doesnt seem to care about those things. i feel the genuine attraction and infatuation, even. but he knows his place.
he is one of those i enjoy sex intensely. he is such a willing giver. and he reserves the receptacle role for cc (or so he claims, though i feel truth to the claim, a tightness to the claim.) and the fact that there are no expectations yet much intimacy is the best.
as i turn the page on the search for TOFM, i'm thinking that this arrangement would be so ideal. as i express my love in my other relationships and stop needing a romantic one, i am also able to express my sexuality, glory in it with 'friends'.
but this ideal state was not the compromise situation i have arranged between my faith and me. and the guilt slowly creeps in. soon enough, i will be back to a phase of celiba-cc. and the cycle starts all over again.
6 comments:
I guess you really need to resolve your conflicting faith. Here's what I think about it: everything in moderation, and as long as you don't step on toes and hurt people's feelings then you're good. This should probably help lessen the oscillations somewhat and bring you down a middle road.
But I envy your sex life. :-p
maybe what makes sex great sometimes is the lack of commitment
anybody could have this sex life, vince. :)
rygel, not really. i've also had my share of mindblowing orgasms because of the love commitment.
it's really hard when what you're doing is different from what you want to believe in.
but for me, it still boils down to what makes you happy.
For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad.
2 Corinthians 5:10
this has been so true to me. :)
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