cc turned a year older

another year again. halfway through this fifth decade of my life.

physically, im in my best form. the update to my nutrition counseling: i finally attained the 17% body fat percentage goal i set (measured at 17.8%) when i started the program 20 weeks ago. two weeks behind schedule. but it still feels incredible.

i love the feeling and the look of it. particularly when im pumping iron during my weight training days. i actually get to see the muscle striations as i pump and flex. just like the magazines. lol.

downside, even at this body fat percentage, i still have ab flab. yeah. sigh. yes, there are the first two upper abs that have started to show. and the adonis belt, too (pc told me that this is the term for those sexy obliques at the hip area). but the area of my belly button retains the flab. as someone once commented, my belly button looks like a smile because of the flab. that's why there are no pictures to show on the blog.

a reader asked why the obsession with numbers and figures. i think im built that way. i'm extremely goal-oriented. and for a slow-burn project like body shaping, one needs to be motivated by numbers for some immediate progress feedback. results from going from 20% to 18% may hardly be noticeable. but i get motivated to continue since there is tangible (numerical) feedback.

on the other parts of my life. i have reached a level of peace with My Creator. and it came about the middle of last year, when I reconciled internally that mutually consensual sex will not lead me to perdition. when i stopped tormenting myself with guilt over casual sex and learned to embrace it as natural for a healthy biological male.

then it loosened it's grip on me. the idea of casual sex. previously, the concept (that it was mortally sinful) made me more compelled to indulge. i found myself desperately trying to resist then ultimately giving in then going through the guilt trip then the cleansing. that vicious cycle was just so exhausting.

but now, even as i remain sexual, and attracted to beautiful men, the 'pull' of casual sex is less alluring. the emotions still well up inside, but would eventually ebb. and i have found more peace.

and coincidentally (or fatefully), just around the same time, i met a person online (yet again) who seemed much much more than a romp in grindr heaven. even as i was still dating and meeting up, i started a conversation with a very intelligent, refined, cultured law student with the cutest smile. so seemingly out of place in that meatshop. and the rest, of course, is ... ourstory. pc & cc.

re-discovering love and its joys, and some of its exasperations, is a gift of 2010 for me. and as we embark on this journey with our first steps, i am both excited and peaceful.

and because we are still at the infancy of being together, my friends would have to forgive me that i have not been as much in touch as before. they will have to allow me to nurture this first, to a level of comfort and security. then i shall be with them more often.

family and work have always been my biggest blessings. and despite the challenges of the environment, i remain so excited with work. i do love what i do. i love it so that i love teaching it, too. and it has given me rewards to enjoy life with. and enough to share with family and other people i have started to embrace as part of my extended, growing family. and it just fulfills me so that i could have all these people to love and help.

45 years and counting. that seems so old. that IS so old. but i wouldnt't want it to be any other way.

i love my life at 45.

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