Friday, December 28, 2012

in-between

I'm in between relationships. Just like the way they say about jobs. I'm in transition. Despite my poor track record, I know I will be back in a relationship again. Because I like being in one. I just can't seem to stay in one for long.

I like the romantic rush. Heck, I'm probably addicted to it. But beyond that, I do like being in a relationship, even as the dust settles and the oohs and ahhhs start to become ... regular. I'd like to think that while I am in one, I give it my all. I don't hold back. I like the responsibility of maintaining one, including the little, everyday things Babe, I'll drop you off at your work. Babe, you work too hard. Take your meds so the fever will go away. etc. etc.

So I know soon enough I'll be in one again. I will be going through it again. And I will be so into it, again.

But with this comes that nagging fear that the pattern will re-emerge. When the responsibilities become obligations. When the oohs and ahhhs with someone else becomes so much more attractive, and tempting. And I will cause pain again. (Though sometimes I give myself too much credit in the ability to cause pain. I'm not THAT irreplaceable or indispensible.)

So I guess that's the difference in my in-between state right now. A fear that soon enough, I will be back to my own devices.

But someone witty enough just answered with...

Let's burn the bridge when we get there.

His eyes wide shut.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

9 comments:

joelmcvie said...

"When the responsibilities become obligations."

Hmmm, so what's wrong with obligations? :)

Anonymous said...

hi cc,

i have been reading your blog for the past few months and must admit its really addictive,i love how you tell your stories.lalo na ung kay lucas and carlito,sobrang nakakabitin.im kinda lost lang with how fabcast works,sorry for the ignorance.im just curious lang on how it works.also im really sad that your relationship with partner has ended. hope you can also discuss other types of relationship,like magnetic relationship, relationship with a straight guy, and relationship with a transgender.

keep bloggin and lovin, i know youll find that special someone soon.

Anonymous said...

hi cc,

i have been reading your blog for the past months and i must admit its really addictive,i love how you tell your stories lalo na ung kay lucas. sobrang nakakabitin. im kinda lost with what happened to you and partner,is that the princess story?im really sad that you and partner has ended.i want to know din how fabcast works,just curious lang sorry for the ignorance. hope you can discuss other kind of relationships,like magnetic relationship, relationship with a straight guy or falling in love with a trannie. hope you can post more of your spa escapades. keep bloggin and lovin, i know youll find that special someone soon,but for now enjoy being single.

Hustin said...

sana maging ganyan din ang pagtingin ko sa relationships - yung no holding back.

Macintosh said...

Having the feeling of obligation after affectionae resposnsiblity is pretty common. Its just that in our case, we find a lot of interesting things around us and routin might be the most boring thing and a sad phenomenon that could happen in ones gay life not unless it is worked together by both parties :). Dont feel sad. Everyone feels the same from my point of view though. Haha

You u will find one soon enough.

Ps. Please do something about Joey and luc. I want luc to suffer getting in to joeys pants. Hahaha

Anonymous said...

I'm in transition too for 8 months now. They say that the best cure to is fall in love again and you'll forget the pain cause by the person you loved before. In order to do that, you have to be at peace with your self. Give your self time to heal, go out and travel, see the world again. You'll discover new things about you.

Inquisitive said...

Reason for the pattern: is there fear of the other letting you go (or choosing another over you), so before the other initiates anything, you prefer to break a heart than have your own broken?

migs, the manila gay guy said...

Teh awareness of your patterns and "devices" is one thing, understanding, and eventually consciously doing something about it is perhaps the next step. Isn't it so empowering to think that we're not slaves of our past programming? Why would webthink that because we're "old dogs" we cannot learn "new tricks"? Go to the bleeding edge :)

Victor Saudad said...

labas-masok lang talaga e no. very phallic habit.