In this ripe, old age of mine, it may be quite pathetic that I have come to this realization just now, a consequence of my YOF review: Being gay is truly central to who I am as a person. It is not just another role, like brother or friend or even boss. Much of what I have accomplished and become is because of the way my homosexuality has interplayed with the other aspects of my life.
I can no longer relegate it to minor status. I cannot ignore nor deny what being gay has made me. I have developed humility, compassion, empathy, love, patience, kindness because of my experiences as a gay man. I have enriched my life with art, culture, laughter and friendship because I am a gay man.
With this realization, I now have to look at how my 'religion' and 'faith' would integrate into my life now, moving forward.
I believe God, the Father, created me this way. This is no accident. "God doesn't play dice" Einstein was once quoted as saying. So I believe that being gay, and all that comes with it (including consensual homosexual sex) cannot be an abomination.
In a little chamber in my soul where I communicate with Him, this is what He tells me. This is between Him and me, particular with the Son aspect of God, whom I know as Jesus Christ. He looks at my life, looks at all my steps and missteps and tells me that being gay is not a misstep. He points out all the other mistakes (sins) that I have committed - the lies, the callous attitude, the conceit, and tells me 'now that's baaad'. And yet He smiles. And yet He embraces me. So as I exit that chamber, He tells me to go 'merrily along and sin no more'. He knows I'll be back. And He'll say, 'oops you did it again.' Jesus has a funny bone.
You can't imagine the peace that comes with that realization. But this is just the first of many other realizations. And truth be told, this didn't just happen through some deep rumination. He engineered it. Let me tell you how...
In college, I knew this guy, batchmates of blockmates of mine. So sometimes, I hang out with them and their sosi barkada. Our parents know each other so I knew him a bit more. I thought he was quite... un-straight.. but who was I to judge? hihihi
Anyway, fast forward to more recent times, as my parents became even closer to his parents in their volunteer work. And through them I heard that he had become a Catholic Jesuit priest based abroad! That I didn't ever expect. I thought he would become a doctor.
And it just so happened that he was in town for the holidays. He was celebrating mass at the chapel nearby. So I made it a point to hear mass there a few days back. Wow, he looked great! He looked young, ever smiling. He looked so peaceful. And he was so glad when I approached him to say hi.
We exchanged numbers and managed to squeeze in brunch recently. And though we were never really close previously, suddenly we were conversing like good old friends. And part of that conversation was me just outrightly saying "I'm gay". And in that context, we got to talk about RH bill and finally, my own issues about being gay in the Catholic Church. (He mentioned that he noticed I didn't receive communion.)
And he was the one who told me to get into that little chamber in my soul, which the Church would call "conscience", and confront God there, stripped of all the doctrinal, papal pronouncements and dictations. And he told me that THAT is the heart of the church anyway. And the church is MY Church, it's nobody else's church.
Yes, it was what I wanted to hear. But it was also what he has been telling so many other people who have the same questions as mine. And hearing him say that just affirmed how loved and blessed I have always felt, by Him above.
Serendipitous. Wonderfully serendipitous. Or.. all according to plan. His plan.
2012 is ending on such a high note in so many ways.
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