HAPPY NEW YEAR!

HAVE A SLICE OF THIS GREAT CHEESECAKE from Cheesecake Factory! I do hope we all have a great 2008!

end of days

worked out earlier at the branch at the Block. I was surprised to see this announcement in the locker room. Wow. Management is getting tough.

i love the title: Protect the Member Experience!!! But what if that IS what the member wants to experience? hahaha.kaya nga nag-member ng fitness in the first place! hahaha.

take note of the fine print: read the portion on EXPULSION of membership! Management's bearing their teeth!

of course, this really means DONT GET CAUGHT, GIRL. choose naman wisely. at huwag pilitin ang ayaw! hindi naman siguro na nagpapa-straight effect yun. DI KA LANG NIYA TYPE KAYA QUIT FOLLOWING HIM! and really, subtlety is key, girls. a super-wet white underwear IS NOT SUBTLE. neither is a TEENY WEENY FACE TOWEL to cover the jewels! and you really DO NOT have to be stark naked before you wrap yourself with your towel, di ba? and please wipe the drool off your lips when you stare at the hunk.

don't say management didnt warn you... :)

naghilom na ang sugat

no, this is not another post about partner and me. LOL!

this is about my therapist and me. LOL 2!

finally visited the newest spa in town, hilom. got there within the first 15mins of its opening! (ganado) well, i just had to make sure i was able to reserve the VIP room for the 'signature' massage AND that special therapist.

he was waiting for me... and he waited on me, hand and foot! such deluxe service! escorted me very gently into the VIP room and treated my skin to a well-deserved sea salt scrub. i must say that his scrub was err.. different. welcome change actually from the scrubs i have in other spas. not necessarily sexual but slow and steady. he bathed me after and toweled me dry (parang baby). then he began his sensual massage. nice, strong and firm. with the right amount of pressure... and a light tickle where appreciated (hihihi).

he was a joy to look at. nice boyish grin, toned muscular bod, good-sized... feet and had good rapport-building skills (gusto kong gawing ahente). made me feel at ease.

points for improvement... though i did say that i enjoyed the scrub, i didnt know if i really felt as 'scrubbed' as with the others (may sense ba ako?) and the speaker for the 1st floor was next to the room. need to tone down the music and lessen the bass.

otherwise... it was very blissful...

moh memories

i actually wanted a 2nd time with cous. but that never happened. we evolved to become friends. he later introduced his young lover and eventually we lost touch.

BUT cous had an elder brother, ill call him j-cous. ive always suspected he was pink. he was the super-accomplished one in the family, and he talks about it. about a year after that thingie with cous, j-cous and i were talking and somehow, we got to disclose our pink slips. that got him really excited.

he asked me out that weekend. and we went out drinking. i remember that bar in greenhills, beside ciudad fernandina, with glass top. as we were both getting heady, he would whisper in my ear... only to start biting it. oh wow. felt good.

and he brought me to their house... to his room...

in my head: kebabs... tinuhog ko ang magkapatid. *sigh*

that happened a couple of times after. then we became really good friends up till now. we saw each other in cebu last year. i dont know if he was teasing but he was asking for a repeat. i declined, politely. that would be weird now.

christmas memories

christmas... there were always parties to attend. sometimes too many parties. christmas growing up went somewhat like this...
.. waking up for Mass, usually 830am, wearing totally new outfits! haha
.. off to the party at my rich relatives' place in dasmarinas vill. loved their house. so big and grand. would end up playing dolls with my cousins. lol
.. take a nap after a tiring lunch party.
.. wake up again by 5pm to prepare for another gathering in new manila. this get-together went on from the time i was 3 till two years ago, imagine that!
.. distant cousins were they. and they'd invite their family and friends.
.. and there was always the lechon and the turkey and the chocolates.
.. and my cousins, one of whom had this great smile with deep deep dimples...

that christmas party evolved through the years. at first i didnt particularly like going. didnt like my cousins there. and we kids were always made to sing by my aunt. hay. we were entertainment...

then eventually in my post-adolescent years, i started to enjoy the parties, my cousins and the people around.

on one particular year, when i was around 21, bedimpled cousin and i were chatting in his room. he turned out to have a secret life ... as a former call boy! (it was to support a substance abuse problem he had before). i was shocked to hear it... and excited. at that time, i was just starting to discover the joys of sex...

and he started talking about his experiences. and my head was reeling from all this information (OMG, he's probably gay too) then he started asking me if ive had experiences... oh wow. temperature was rising.

i told him i was just starting out and havent had much...

then the magic words "sige, let me show you how..." cous kneels in front of me and proceeds to give me head. OH SHIT. i sit on his bed looking at him as he swallows me, with his cute dimples showing.

"oh ikaw naman... turuan kita.."

obedient me gets on my knees and follows instructions... faithfully. he was so obviously enjoying this. and he came quickly. he had to. people were probably looking for us already at the party.

never happened again. but it was enough for me... that was sooo hot. couldnt stand up straight. legs were still shaking as we went out to join the christmas carol singing!

haay... christmas used to be so much more fun!

where's the party?

hehehe. mgg party was great.. had a chance to meet some great people, chatted with a couple of them. food was cool, the place was friendly! thanks, mgg!

survey SAYS...

answering the question i posted (how do you know if you still love someone) is also like answering the converse: how do you know if you love someone...

love the emotion - quentin X, jimg29 (guilt!), jsantify (tug in your gut), markuc, fillibustero (lighting up and melting down), geloph (a future together)

love is a verb, an act, an effort - quentin X, markuc (keeping faith, giving benefit of the doubt), gay blogger, mcvie

almost a toss-up between love the emotion and the act of loving...

methinks: (limiting the discussion to romantic love)

judging from the survey, it is neither one or the other exclusively. romantic love the verb is a voluntary behavior. we show acts of love, exhibit loving behaviors (being thoughtful and generous, concerned and caring, showing intimacy) by choice. we certainly do not just exhibit these behaviors to anybody. we choose to exhibit these to those to whom we FEEL love the emotion (or at least the positive emotions of connecting with a person).

i believe we cannot and should not just dismiss love the emotion. this is the driver, the motivation behind the behaviors. and being very selective about these behaviors only goes to show how special the feeling must be.

and worse, i feel, is to be going through the motions of love, the loving behaviors without the feeling of 'love' i love the way st peter says it: if i gave everything I had to the poor and even gave up my own body, but only to receive praise and not through love, it would be of no value to me.

i would like to think that i have not been lacking in exhibiting the loving behaviors towards Partner... i continue to be concerned, to be generous, to be supportive... but of course, i have failed in being faithful. and i can bring it all back, including the faithfulness. but what would drive the behaviors - love the feeling? or some other emotion?

back to square one?

but from these responses, i glean the answer... i know that i still 'love' if i continue to do the loving behaviors, the acts of love EVEN when it becomes inconvenient and maybe even painful. and i could only turn to Jesus Himself for being the example.

how do you know... if you still love someone

people, id like to hear you out... how do you know if you still love someone? how do you become certain that it is still love that you feel and not anything else (compassion, friendship, convenience)? what signs tell you that this is "still it"?

a response

amazing how enlightening JCP's comment was to me. i really had not talked to partner about this 'crisis' we are in.
i cant help but react to some of the points he mentioned, as if it was really partner telling me how he was feeling...

partner, i am so sorry for the pain i have caused you. the agony you must be going through. but i can assure you that there was no protracted grief over the break-up with enigma. i didnt even feel that there was any choice to be made (between you and enigma). it was and it will always be you, partner...

i still love you but i confess that my love remains an imperfect love. being imperfect means i cannot sustain this love without you by my side, without feeling some love, some tenderness, some intimacy. selfish, yes. but at the very least, honest, finally.

i want to make it work. i want to give you the time and space to heal but we must continue communicating. please do not just withdraw. tell me how you feel, let it out. and if you can, tell me how i can ease the pain. i try but i cannot always second-guess.

let's not fall into the trap of just being together for togetherness' sake... for all my faults and shortcomings, i really deeply apologize...

a comment from the heart

JCP, a reader, posted a comment on one of my blog posts dedicated to his previous question - how is partner coping... i swear it was almost like partner talking to me, save for a few changes in the circumstances... it has shone some light on an otherwise very dark corner of my life...

thanks, JCP...

mgg invite!

interesting party, don't you guys think?

farewell new york...

all my bags are packed
im ready to go
im standing here outside your door
already im so lonesome i could cry

no, im not that lonesome. quite nostalgic at this point, my last night in the big apple, in the u.s. im actually looking forward to going back to manila, to the warm and wet climate of dear manila. i miss working, would you believe? i miss being busy with a million things to take care of.

i leave the u.s. with great memories...

how is partner coping...

apologies to reader JCP. i havent responded to his comment on my post. so i dedicate a post to you. as i understand, you are in the same boat as my partner - meaning, you have a partner who recently cheated on you, that you are aware of. and that you have not broken up with him.

how is he? i really can't say for sure how partner is. all i can say is that things are not back to normal yet. i receive a few texts from him. none of these show any sweetness or warmth. all are very perfunctory. i text him and email him, and i still put our terms of endearment. sadly, those terms no longer appear in his texts or emails.

so i am now guessing that he remains hurt. and because of that, he doesnt want to be sweet to me. beyond that, i dont know what motivates him to remain cold and withdrawn.

honestly, i am at a loss, too. i am admittedly at fault for what i have done. but i am now starting to wonder how long this punishment will continue. i don't know anymore how long i can sustain this relationship without receiving any sense of love and warmth from him. i crave intimacy, as i have always had. and this cold treatment, this punishment he has been inflicting on me may just wear me down permanently.

so jcp, i am truly sorry if you happened to be the one lied to, cheated on... and if i were your lover, i would have already begged for your forgiveness and assured you that it wouldnt happen again. but i also want to tell you that should you have chosen to stay and forgive, please forgive and forget... as hard as it may be, please trust again... because if you feel you won't be able to trust anymore, please do not prolong the agony by staying. move on...

almost laid Part II

back in new york. sunday night, i visited Hiro, dance club the gays here visit on a sunday (yes, on a sunday). it was even raining that night...

got there early (closed pa at 930pm) and just went to gym bar first. finally had chance to meet some people there. a slovenian introduced himself and the rest of his friends. but he looked too drunk. he was with a cute guy from brazil, though.

then i went to hiro... still too early at 1015pm. just a few people. big place. nice big dance floor... lounges around it.. two bars on the ground level... mezzanine overlooking the dance floor with its own bar. i decided to hang out at one of the stair cases from this mezzanine. gave you a nice view of the place (that's where i took the pic)

i notice that i wasnt alone in that landing... there was this nice looking fellow who looked latino behind me. and since there was like PLENTY of room for him to stay hang out in, well, i felt that he was not just there for nothing.

the music was great and i really just started moving. alone. its new york. nobody cares. guy behind me casting glances from time to time... then we started dancing and talking...

troy was born in argentina, but went to the u.s. early. based in boston though he shuttles back and forth from new york. he looked like the mexican actor who played sergio in marimar opposite thalia! wow. of course eduardo capetillo looks better. and his eyes were glowing blue with the lights in the dance club.

and pretty soon, we were already like lip-locking and dirty dancing... it was so hot. and he kept on wishing i was based in new york. we were really into each other. and we didnt care who was around... we didnt realize the club was filling up.

then he apologized that he had leave for a 5am shoot tomorrow. and after a few more hot kisses, he left. no phone exchanges. i am guessing he is the type who is actually looking for something beyond sex. and wont even start anything that has no future.

either that or he wasnt really into me.

i prefer to think of the first one though.

sigh. another cold shower in cold new york.

almost laid...

i just had dinner and was strolling along lincoln, killing time for the next activity - cocktails at versace mansion, ocean drive (ooooh. i just HAD to put that. that f**kng address is so exclusive here!) after being used to just enjoying rubbernecking and not expecting anything, POW. nice caucasian guy looks at me, too, as we walk past each other. and in classic gay mating behavior, the 3-second look back... and another... we both slow down our pace. oh shit. finally happening to me. he makes a u-turn and walks towards me.

alvaro is from cuba, visiting a friend in miami. nice blue eyes he didnt look latino at all because he was very fair and blond! but yes, he had that thick latino accent. so my groin starts like imagining things. more small talk - turns out his friend is in las vegas. and he just check out of his hotel. and he's got a backpack.

he's just walking around. man, he looks like woody harrelson, improved version! body's not buff but just fine. he's about my height. and with the way he was looking at me, and sort of brushing against my arm... the guy's putting on the latin moves... natutunaw ang tuhod ko.

but i got scared. like i suddenly think of a hundred bad scenarios - serial killer out to chop me to pieces, petty crook about to steal stuff in my hotel room, clinger who won't go home after sex... so told a lie. got a roommate. so he bade goodbye. told me he will just be walking around. and off he went.


ten minutes later. i am trying to look for alvaro. part of me, the horny part, regretting letting go of an opportunity. but i never found him.

but the nice part is the affirmation. hey, i aint invisible anymore. at least here in miami!

art deco'ed

>im a fan of architecture. something about buildings and construction as an art form just amazes me. it must be awesome to express one's self using such a HUGE CANVAS, with immense dimensions and considering a multitude of engineering details!

i just found out that south beach has the biggest concentration of art deco buildings in the world. and i just had to join the walking tour of the art deco district to appreciate this artistic movement.

"Art Deco was a popular international design movement from 1920 until 1939, affecting the decorative arts such as architecture, interior design, and industrial design, as well as the visual arts such as fashion, painting, the graphic arts, and film. This movement was, in a sense, an amalgam of many different styles and movements of the early 20th century, including Constructivism, Cubism, Modernism, Bauhaus, Art Nouveau, and Futurism. Its popularity peaked during the Roaring Twenties. Although many design movements have political or philosophical roots or intentions, Art Deco was purely decorative. At the time, this style was seen as elegant, functional, and ultra modern." Wikipedia

i thoroughly enjoyed the walking tour conducted by the Miami Design Preservation League, a foundation dedicated to preserving the artistic heritage of Miami, primarily through protecting the buildings. Scott, our gay tour guide (or at least i think he is), gave us an excellent overview of the art deco movement, mentioning by heart the prime movers, the design elements as well as the history of the preservation. it was wonderful just walking down mainly ocean drive as he pointed to examples of art deco, with plenty of trivia in between. (the birdcage movie with robin williams and nathan lane was shot in south beach with the Carlyle as their theatre restaurant!)



allow me a diversion. just found this scene hilarious...

another side note... dont hesitate to join tours if you travel. i had some reservations, too, but now, everytime i travel i manage to join a tour group. i know, i know, not a lot of you want to look like tourists or to feel like ducklings being herded by the tour coordinator BUT the value is in the information these trained tour guides give. seriously! i also joined the new york movie and tv shows tour and the tour guide was a part-time actress who had all these inside information. the wealth of information these people give actually pays for the tour. and on top of that, they show you first hand how to appreciate...

not a bad deal, right?