single-PLU dilemma

a friend hooked me up with a mid-20s chap looking for a date. after some online messaging, we moved to texting and finally meeting up for a date.

he looks fine, smart. but didnt show much interest over the salads and the pasta. at first. he tells me that he has been single for the past 6mos. and he's been dating.

after the date, the texts start becoming more frequent.

"i have decided to stop dating."

"i'd like to get to know you better."

"have you had lunch?"

"got plans later tonight?"

"i wanted to invite you to join me and my friends for movie."

i am suddenly feeling something tightening on my neck. a noose of some sort. am i being paranoid? or should someone tell him to put on the brakes?

commensalism

A symbiotic relationship between two organisms of different species in which one derives some benefit while the other is unaffected

could there possibly be commensals in human relationships? as opposed to predators and prey?

sub-twenty minute fireworks

im inside the elevator, going up. it opens at the lobby. i see this ok-looking guy from afar. he notices me, too. as some people file in, he rushes to get to the elevator.

inside, i see he is wearing house clothes. we seem to be checking each other out. he presses another higher floor. i exit at mine. and as i look back, he exits, too. we look at each other and smile. introductions as we walk to my unit.

as i struggle with the keys, i feel him rub his crotch against my butt. and i feel the growing hard-on. i fumble some more.

i invite him in. close the door and look at him. "quickie?" he asks. and we get to it. i feel his pecker and realize that he is endowed. preliminaries in the shower, just so we feel really clean and we dont waste precious time.

we move on to the bedroom. he gets really into it. after release, he whispers "happy new year'

we shower and clean up. we exchange numbers. he leaves.

all under 20mins.

a case of indecent proposal?

Gentlemen:

for your consideration

suppose that you have an acquaintance of significant physical attractiveness
and you've known him to be quite nice, trustworthy, very pleasant and straight
however, he happens to be in dire straits currently.
though he holds a decent job, he is unable to meet ends meet
because the job doesnt compensate as much
because he has to rent a room for himself
because he needs to support his three children with his ex-girlfriends

you broach to him the idea that he would be better off under 'sponsorship'
that his attractiveness would merit him proposals from wealthy gay donors
he has had these proposals before laid out to him
during the peak of his modeling career
unfortunately because of career choices and his heterosexuality
he had not entertained any of these proposals

however, he has started telling you that he is entertaining the idea seriously
that his affairs with women have brought him to where he is
and that he feels that perhaps, being involved with another man might really be better
and he tells you pointblank that he would rather be involved with you
than with any other

would you consider perhaps taking in the handsome chap
to allow him free board and lodging
and perhaps explore intimacy with a straight man
aware of his circumstances and financial needs?

staying single

i thought that the holiday mood would get to me. i thought that i would be reduced to praying for a relationship around this time. the last time i was single and it was christmas was 8 years ago.

but im happy that it didnt. im not dwelling on single blessedness anymore. i remember previously, i would desperately ask my friends to set me up on dates. and id attend parties left and right, hoping to meet 'the one'.

i guess age has a lot to do with it. mellowing down has made me realize that these dates and parties are for the younger ones. so i put less pressure on myself. and i end up enjoying the party more, the conversation, the chatter!

i'd like to get to that point of being single and just loving it. besides, if i really have so much love in my heart, then i should be able to love the people around - parents, colleagues, friends, employees! so as long as i have all this love to give, i couldnt worry about being single...

maybe there should be more single person movies or shows which have nice, triumphant endings, endings not needing a love interest for fulfillment! i can't even think of one right now!

with fortune and men's eyes

when in disgrace
with fortune and men's eyes
i all alone beweep my outcast state

and trouble-deaf heaven
with my bootless cries
and look upon myself
and curse my fate

i have forgotten most of the poems of my school days. these are the first lines of the sonnet i remember most, sonnet 29. the other sonnet, 18, i remember in full.

i remember these now as i recall my chats with friends the past few days. and it seems that 'fortune and men's eyes', i have been 'disgraced'.

one of them, ill call him matt, wishes that i find my true love soon. he almost sounds desperate as he discusses with our group his search for my partner-in-life (PIL). he told me that there was this hunky acquaintance that he wanted me to meet. the way he describes the guy, a professor of engineering (di ba, macho?), a fitness enthusiast (ran the NY marathon twice!), from a wealthy family (who seems to accept him for what he is), the guy sounds too good to be true. i finally met him by chance when i dropped by matt's place and he also dropped off his gift to matt.

good grief. the guy is gorgeous. mestizo hunk. wow. masters in robotics. and he is for real. the catch: he is actually interested in matt. unfortunately, matt is very much attached (past 15yrs). but it seems like the guy still wants to pursue. how lucky could my friend matt get?

at another time, i was with another friend. and he was telling me about how his single life has been (recent break-up). and though he still pines for his ex, he is not wanting when it comes to the dates availability department. he has been hooking up with some of the people i find very attractive. as in nakuha niya yung mga type ko, especially my big crush. ouch. another very lucky friend.

the lines of the sonnet suddenly became real. and i am all alone beweeping my outcast state.

thankfully, dear Reader made me feel much, much better. but i still couldnt help but wonder how some friends around me seem to be having all the luck...and all the fun.

but i am not one to storm heaven with agonizing 'why me's'. because everytime i am tempted to ask that, i also remind myself that during the good times, i can just as easily as 'why me'.

so i am thankful for friends who share their good fortune. i live vicariously in their experience and feel the same kilig.








plastic =)

thank you for visiting the land of cc

dear Reader,

hello! I'd like to thank you personally for spending some time with me in the land of cc! i hope that last night was as much fun for you as it was for me.

it is not everyday that i 'welcome' readers into my life. but i do find you a special one, dear Reader. i'm glad that we were finally able to meet and eventually meet up, despite our busy lives.

i have always found your comments thoughtful and insightful, though quite few and far between. i actually didn't think you were a regular reader, until of course, you told me so. and that made me smile. hearing readers personally tell me that they appreciate the blog is very gratifying indeed.

i hope you enjoyed the dinner, my way of thanking you for reading. and spending the night over was really, really nice. and during those intimate moments, you managed to surprise me with feats i wouldn't expect from you, based on my shallow first impressions of you. you certainly had my eyes rolling... ill stop with that.

and for sharing some intimate details of your life, thank you. i enjoyed discovering more about you.

soon you will be back to the daily grind, toiling under cloud-covered days, and amidst blankets of snow. and just like my own encounter with such scenery a few weeks back, it could set off a gloomy outlook.

i hope that the special night you spent in cc land would somehow lift that veil and make you feel warm and fuzzy. remember the tight hugs under the duvet during the early morning. and the little kisses and i hope you will somehow feel better.

till next time, dear Reader...

cc

BLS VERSUS LOS

im suddenly able to watch movies. 1. im less busy 2. with a portable dvd in the car, im able to use drive time as watch time 3. with itouch, im also able to convert cardio time to watch time.

ive just finished bangkok love story. and i am drawn to make comparisons with love of siam, worlds apart they may seem.

i love them both. i watched LOS a few months back. but i could still recall the story. interesting that they both reference their country and love in their titles. hmmm.

storylines for both are more complex. many lives weave into each other. i recall similar climactic moments: a scene where there are major revelations, turning points.

despite having adult males in one and pubescent males in the other, both have at their core a very innocent, pure love. one exists in the heart of crime and poverty, the other resides in middle-income academic environment.

the females suffer such tragic circumstances, whether mother, spouse or friend. (ang hirap naman ma-involve sa bading)

and i have to say it: for both, there were many could-be endings (or false endings). mga akala ko tapos na.

but the similarities end there. the human tragedies of BLS are heart-wrenching. its death, its violence, its crime, its suicide. and with that scale, the emotions become tossed ad turned. the high of seeing that first kiss in the bath tub in broad daylight. or that passionate liplock in the rain on the street. LOS is much, much more restrained, but the agony is as palpable (mother's pain, coping with the father, the love that could not express). and it's contemporary, middle-income setting is something i can relate to more. but it still tugs at the heart strings, especially during that farewell.

impressive movies from thailand.

Versa

i got this as an exchange gift, together with M2M Masahe and Erotika.

it started well - shower scenes agad! with a vigorously-rubbing-crotch paolo s looking like he is thoroughly enjoying himself. i kept on pausing and zooming in, hoping that a glimpse of head would slip through. i didnt see any. but i got turned on.

then my erotique went south after the first 'encounter'. i saw in their eyes, especially paolo s, the look of a torero performing for an audience: he was trying too hard to appear that he was soooo into it. eyes half-closed, he was just nuzzling his nose and lips up and down paolo r's chest and neck. he didnt even show that he knew how to do this right.

as much as i liked the 'voice-over' creative effect, i was still fast forwarding the sex scenes. it was the same, bland 'suggestion' of sex, about as much fun as watching to cats 'go at it' on the roof.

at least versus became versa as both of them bottomed for each other. "ang tunay na pagmamahal' or something like that according to the voice over.

and to think that i found paolo s such a turn-on physically. our friends have a term for him - mukhang t_t_ (!) he really is sexy. meanwhile, i like paolo. i like the way he looks, he is good looking in a classy kind of way, especially in his daybreak performance.

but together, the film failed to put enough 'connection' between them to put me on fire. i thought i was going to have my hands full, taking care of myself. sigh. i had to put the lube back in the bedside cabinet. =(

100 cheers

allow me to be nega first: the audio was bad. there were words i couldn't hear. maybe the acoustics in that old SM city cinema coupled with an audience of possibly 30 only made it even worse. i was straining to hear some critical lines. the lighting was bad, too. i found it dim, from the 'dream sequence' start all the way. i wanted to look for a remote and press 'brightness' and 'contrast' all the way up! or is it the cinema's fault again???

there were times it felt too long. but i think it's partly the bad audio and the dim lighting of the scenes. (i almost dozed off once or twice)

and sometimes, the musical scoring (or absence of it) did not help to create the scene. or maybe im used to the lush soundtracks of western movies.

but, but, but i found it to be a wonderful movie.

pacing is good and fast. the story was very believable. no stretches of the imagination. the dialogue was real and conversational, including that brief shouting match between joyce and her mom.

creative treatment i also enjoyed. the pinatubo dream sequence is by no means original but i still enjoyed the continuity at the end.

i love the concept that the post-its did not just come from her. eventually, the other significant people in her life were writing 'to-do' stuff. from being in full control, she had to surrender and let them in.

mylene as joyce is almost seamless. her characterization was consistent and, thank God, no breakdown hysterics.

tessie tomas looked like she was trying too hard at first. but she quickly settled into the role after the 'reveal'.

and the friend, ruby, of course, was quite stereotypical as a counterpoint to her. but i still found her enjoyable and not trying to be too funny. (at say mo, british ang jowa!)

i was expecting to shed some tears, as i like doing (hehehe). but i didnt. there were a few almost moments. which in the end, is what i like best about the movie. its about dying. its about relationships in that context. its not sappy or apologetic. it seemed factual yet tender. a delicate balance that i felt the movie achieved laudably!

i hate the fact that i missed the fabcast with chris martinez.

its not just three cheers... its 100 cheers for the movie!

gratitude

it was mgg's christmas blow-out last night. aside from the fabcasters, there were old and new faces, mostly friends and bloggers/readers. i didnt know a lot of them (mcvie knew most of them). my problem: i dont read blogs as often as i should. i dont have much time to follow-up on blogs, or to discover new blogs I could follow. so i have this blank look everytime migs or mcvie would introduce a guest via his/her blog or handle. apologies.

and that also makes me an outsider when as they trade stories familiar to the bloggers and their readers.

but i enjoyed meeting all of them. nice to see that bloggers come in all shapes and sizes! =)

i never assume that any of the guests read my blog. i just found it too presumptuous of me. i'm aware of my small following, not like the other fabcasters and all the others there. so during the intros, i didnt even bother to introduce myself as "cc". (of course, the other reason is of course, my relative anonymity! hehe)

so im amazed to meet readers. im just glad to actually get to know the eyeballs who spend their precious time reading the blog. gives me a chance to say thank you personally.

so to you that i met last night, thanks for giving me a read! i had a great time chatting with you.

and to all the rest i have yet to meet (parang ang dami!), thank you, thank you for following this humble blog! =)

a fist-hand experience

the intimate christmas dinner party ended by midnight. a friend hitched with me going home. ive known him for years, when my ex (before the latest ex) cruised him and became his friend. he's intelligent, very pleasant looking, with an innocent look on his face. but previously, because of his studies abroad, he had become very 'experimental' with sex. and in the car, he told me he was on his way to an small orgy, about four people. but they come together because they all enjoy... fisting.

i'm amazed that this different kinds of 'sexual activities and entertainment' are happening right under my nose (in manila, i mean). i've had this notion that this was very western culture-bound and would probably have almost zero adherents locally. but he quickly dispelled that idea with this story and other stories (golden showers, bondage) that he was already part of... locally!

he asked me if i wanted to watch them at it. curiosity got the better of me. soon, we arrived at the condo of one of the participants. (he had asked permission for me to watch) i went inside the well-appointed unit to see three guys bare naked, one smoking. they had just finished the first 'session' of playing. but they were eager to 'perform' for me.

even as my friend was undressing, one was already on all fours on the nice bed, with his hole facing the audience, me. the other one started to lube his hand and initiated penetrating. soon the fist was nicely inside, complete with the groans of contentment. my half-naked friend was beside them, though he was just letting the other one do the fisting.

i stood there, trying to appear blase about it. they wanted me to experience it (as top) but i was just not getting turned on. I felt like i was just watching national geographic (tonight we feature fisting on our ongoing human sexual behavior series) i just didnt find it erotic.

my friend was asking if i wanted to jump in, so to speak. i politely declined and eventually told them that i was leaving. "you mean you're leaving without even getting a blow job?" the top asked. "Ill take a rain check." its quite late and i need to be home now.

they were all nice people, with kinky tastes in sex. i don't think i'll even get into that.

but im more amazed that there are those who actually would not mind performing before an audience. amazing.

density

we just had our li'l christmas party at the restaurant, the nano-enterprise. it was our first christmas celebration, and i even requested my family, our help to join us.

we had a few games before dinner. then some people started appearing, despite my instructions that this was a private affair. yes, they were all regular visitors, but not necessarily our big-volume clients. but i was surprised that even without invitation, these people just started hanging around. and started eating.

wow. i am amazed at the relative density of these beings. they really didnt care that they were not invited. they actually felt entitled to be a guest. i was disappointed and worried that the food we prepared may not even be enough for us.

i remember one post by lobster on 'entitlement'. he mentions exasperatingly the nerve of some people to feel entitled to benefits, without lifting a finger. i can't agree with him more.

ang kapal talaga ng mukha.

faculty deliberations

part-time faculty get to sit with the regular, full-time professors when deliberating the standing of the students. it was my first faculty deliberation. and most of the professors there were mentors of mine when i was still a student.

i'm looking at them and seeing them so human now. it was natural for me to put 'teachers' and 'mentors' on a different plane then. i deferred to them. for some of them, i would be in awe at their brilliance. i see them now as regular people, yet people i still highly respect.

the discussions centered around awarding 'dean's list' and eventually the top honors during graduation. they really talk about the students in detail, how he/she acted in class, if the student was actually bright or lazy or had a great paper, etc.

i am suddenly reminded of the call one of the professors made to me right after deliberations for our graduation. he called to tell me that they have decided that i was the class valedictorian. BUT he also told me that there was a lot of contentious discussions leading up to the decision!

and it was because of attitude. i remember during my thesis defense, i was getting... defensive (nge) with the cross examination of one of the professors. napikon ako and blurted something sarcastic in reply, but still veiled in humor.

that turned out to be the bone of contention. that professor was saying that i didnt deserve the award. my professor/mentor rose to my defense. he cited that they were deliberating a candidate for honors, not for canonization. and he happily told me that that statement put the discussion to rest.

i didnt know if i should still be elated after that call. the fact that not all of them were on board about it made me feel... weird. but i snapped out of that soon after and happily received the award. and realized that hey, i worked for this. and i deserve this.

im now reflecting how these 'behind-the-scenes' scenarios could determine outcomes, how these could make or break people. is it wiser to know what really happened or is ignorance bliss?

"it tastes sweet"

that's what white meat told me, referring to my man-juice. ('man' daw oh? hehe)

yes, he swallowed. and even as my body was contorting as i approached THAT point, i actually wanted to pull away. i made sure i made my pronouncements ("aah. im cummmin....") just so he would be forewarned. not that i dont want to cum inside. i just dont want him to feel i rammed it down his throat. but he kept at it. and surely, he gulped it down.

and during that after-sex moment of intimacy, he told me that my cum was sweet. diet has a lot to do with the taste of cum, according to wm. and as we talked about it, he told me that diet high in fresh fruits contributed to the sweet taste. which is exactly the kind of diet i have.

which is why he wasnt the first to tell me about it. i guess cc is really sweet to the core. hahaha

im actually surprised that ive been with quite a few people who swallow. i had to ask if this was high risk sexual behavior. apparently for HIV, it's not, as long as the recipient doesnt have mouth sores or open wounds in the oral cavity. but it is high risk for other STD's.

there's heightened awareness for HIV again. reports have been circulating about the sudden jump in cases, specially among the younger MSM practitioners.

let's all just be careful.

it's the x's birthday

.. in a few days. should i greet him? send him an email or sms?

i don't harbor any grudges anymore. but i dont want to send wrong signals. ewww.

do i wish him a 'happy' birthday? yes, i do. i'm happier now. and he should be, too. i guess he is.

we're still not in the talking mode. so should i still be the peaceful one and send a greeting?

what do you think?

white meat that's good for me

i viewed his profile in one of those social networking sites, surprised to see someone white as a friend of one my friends here. besides, i found his profile picture very attractive.

he quickly replied, wondering if we had met previously. that started the exchange. but i got thrown off when i found out he was actually married. we made the jump to texting. and through the texts, i quickly established that being married will not be a hindrance to having fun with another man.

we met up at a starbucks outlet. and he is attractive, a very hot american. he was also witty and smart. and when i invited him to the condo, he didnt resist.

he is the first white guy ive brought to the condo. and boy, the sex was hot. he is such a turn on. sexy, handsome with big grey eyes, thin lips. and he was muscular and extremely endowed down there. he is such a kisser, as i am. and there were intimate moments, too. and good conversation.

we took a light nap after, in each other's arms. and he left because the wifey was waiting.

ironic isn't it. two weeks in the u.s. with hardly any sex with anyone white. barely a week back in manila and i hook up with a great looking american. a wonderful one-night stand. =)

now it can be told

earlier, i posted a dialogue with perfect man, a confession and a farewell. that dialogue didnt really transpire. i wanted to do it, i asked for a coffee date. but it never happened because we both got too busy (he cancelled that coffee date). but in my mind and in my heart, i still wanted that conversation to finally take place.

it finally happened, that bittersweet moment, a few days ago.

i invited him to dinner this time, at a nice, secluded date place that i love. i fetched him and brought him there. there was wine, antipasto and full dinner. and though the conversation seemed strained at first, it relaxed and quickly picked up as we talked about his trips and mine.

i found out more about his longtime partner, how it came about. and how much they have both invested in what they have. and he touched on some current relationship concerns (a very jealous lover his partner has become).

and he confided his own recent explorations (late bloomer) but always knowing his limits. i probed into an 'almost-affair' he had but he felt strongly that it was never going there. he knew how he wouldn't jeopardize his relationship for this other person.

that, and the wine, emboldened me to finally say my piece.

after much fiddling, i finally admitted to him how strongly i feel for him. how i feel that he is the perfect man for me. how i, despite what i feel, will not cause him or his relationship trouble. just like how i wrote it pretty much. what i didnt anticipate was his answer.

i feel the same way towards you. if you were that person i got almost involved with, i would probably have had a major dilemma. if you consider me the perfect person, i also think you are perfect. i have been fantasizing about how it would be if we were lovers. i feel that you would be a lot more relaxed, less jealous compared to my partner.

i want us to stay in touch. but i understand what you mean. i'd still like to see you and find out how you're doing.

i emphasized that i would not text him anymore. but i would always reply should he text me. and should he need me for whatever reason, i will be there for him.

we left the restaurant, relieved that all of this is finally out in the open. back in the office building, he asked to use the rest rooms and have some water. i hurriedly opened the office and got him water.

as i approached him, he hugged me, he hugged me tight. and i hugged him back. and finally, the kiss. after having imagined this for countless nights, i have finally felt how it is to kiss my perfect man.

i remain in a daze over what happened. but i have remained true to my word, and have stopped initiating sending him SMS. but every time he sends me a message, i reply, promptly.

i do not expect anything anymore. i have been blessed with having known that the perfect man exists. and that for a single moment, i was able to kiss him and hug him. he may not be mine. but during that moment, he was.

same time, next year

it's great to be back in manila. the downside is not being able to update my blog as often when i face the realities of work, school, extra-curriculars, etc. excuses, excuses.

back in nyc, i had the chance to meet up with a "the boy from new york city" just like last year. we maintained some contact through the year. but during the time i was finalizing plans for this trip, he stopped emailing. only when i got here did i finally get an email from him. he was apologetic for not writing. he just got too busy with work, with a new business venture and a new boyfriend. but he did say he still wanted to meet up while i would be in nyc.

oh. a boyfriend. so i guess this was going to be a purely 'friendly' meet up, not even a date. curiously though, he told me that he was NOT going to bring his bf along. seloso daw.

so i had no expectations as i walked to the starbucks near his place somewhere in east village. it was a mid-morning meeting, to lead up to brunch. but he quickly brought me to his place so we could continue chatting. hmmmm.

his fabulous place looked a lot less fahv since his bf moved in. ang gulo na. and there was the bf's chihuahua which kept barking at me. nakaka-amoy 'ata ang aso ng masama.

after some chit chat, as i was sitting on one of his bar stools, he went up to me and planted a long wet kiss. my balloon thought: di ba may jowa ka na???? and so it happened. regardless of the jowa, he still wanted to ah... play with me. fine. except that stupid dog kept barking.

and while we were on the bed, the dog was there, too. and that dog was actually licking my foot as we were busy entangled. aba, gusto ng threesome ng aso!

a quick shower after and we were out, mindful that bf just might suddenly appear. we had brunch at a diner near by (so SATC). and reminisced about our previous meetings. this is the 3rd time in 3 years we've actually been meeting. and always around december. hahaha. its broke back, transcontinental.

we parted ways, with a 'same time, next year' look.

my only sex in manhattan. with the same guy i had sex with last year. im a creature of habit. =)