Torso Cruise

Doin some posing in front of the mirror. Tried hard to flex the abs. Hay kulang pa rin. Talo pa rin sa cruising in Gale or Bora. More like Borat b? Haha. Oh well. Daanin muna sa fat burner.

my faith.. explained

its palm sunday. we begin Holy Week, a defining week for Catholics. it has put me in the right mood to be introspective. moreover, something about the comments on my post "feasting and abstinence" made me think - what is my "faith"? what do i believe in? funny but i have never tried to put this down into words, largely taking 'believing' for granted. (what do you take me for, granted?)

I believe

- in God, a Father to me, to all of Creation. Benevolent Creator. I believe in some power much, much greater than me. I cannot believe that all the happens in this world is an accident. There is logic, there is order though the wisdom of this may be beyond me to comprehend. And that's why I call it faith.
- in Jesus. The Father's Son. He is my Teacher. He is my Lord. Through the New Testament, He teaches me to live a better, more fulfilling life. Very difficult at times. Sigh.
- I was born this way... made this way.. gay, for a reason or for a host of differet reasons. Foremost is to take care of my parents in their twilight years. the least I could to for all the sacrifice they made for me.
- that though the Bible is explicit about homosexual behavior as sinful, I believe that the sin lies in sex and sexual behavior devoid of 'love', purely for passion, or recreation. It is not so much the gender of those involved but the attitude behind the act. I should be treating people as people, as human beings. I fail to treat them right if I have sex with people I do not even love.

So I struggle. I believe in these things but I struggle with putting these into practice. Well, lately, I have been 'abstaining'. Been two weeks now. Maybe, just maybe I could sustain it

blogging rights

since i have decided to abstain, i will now blog about my previous conquests. part of the motivation of cruising the latest trick is being able to brag about it. in my case, to blog about it. one by one, ill share some of the highlights of my sordid past. hahaha. not for the faint of heart.

Ang Crocs Ko

Just bought this pair of beach Crocs. So much buzz bout it. Had to find out for myself. I'm impressed. At 130pm in the hot afternoon in the oh-so-open air mall of Bonifacio High Street, there was a crowd inside the shop! Next door neighbor Havaianas was empty. So last season.
Is it comfy? Yeah, better than Havaianas. But of course color schemes remain solid, and largely monotone. Its got those foot reflexology bumps and a natural sloping insole. It actually looks like a throwback to Amish fashion. But it feels good, particularly for my flat feet! Kinda pricey (P1750) for something that may be gone next season. But then again, that's precisely the point you'd want one, right?

Mushroom Burger

I just had a quick lunch at Mushroom Burger in Tagaytay. I have always liked the burger here. Fits my figure-conscious diet. They have a pure mushroom sandwich, the burger actually has ground beef. But I feel so sad that the joint has remained looking like the carinderia. Sure, they have the stainless steel kitchen that could be viewed from the outside (transparency!). But everything else shouts turo-turo!
Sayang. I would think that the growing health consciousness should have been a great opportunity to re-position and expand. Are they selling?

Barangay Fiesta

Welcome to our barangay fiesta revolution' the bading emcee shouted on the makeshift stage! I didnt realize that programs like this still happen in the heart of Mandaluyong - Barangay Namayan! This was a typical program, with the requisite talent contest. This time, though, the talent was terpsichorean. Audience was in casual barangay attire, dominated by the neighborhood manggugupits, manicurista, batang bading and istambays! The talent was lacking, made up for by enthusiasm. Featured in the photo are the community singing idols.
So what am i doing here? Fiesta programs are magnets for young boytoys looking for pasaload sponsors, or at the very least, free alcohol. However, last night, the crowd was not exactly attractive. Id rather do my own thing, save my money, too.:-D

loyalty or fidelity

i met a gorgeous hunk. i had my stereotype hat on so i wasn't expecting much by way of conversation. i really shouldnt judge him because he isnt a book. and it was such a pleasant surprise to see brains behind the pecs, the biceps and the glutes (well its not REALLY behind the pecs). i quote him: i believe gays in relationships could be loyal but not faithful.
two different things. what does loyalty mean in a gay relationship? i will stick by your side, protect you from evil, defend you from your enemies. but let me suck cock elsewhere. hmmm. that's how compartmentalized we are. compartmentalization is a great coping mechanism - putting things neatly into little boxes. (part of the filing system of our minds). it certainly works for me. i am loyal and unfaithful. sounds like an AA introduction.
so what's wrong with that? i dont know but somehow sometimes i feel its not right. loyalty and fidelity. or is this just a heterosexual construct meant to preserve the institutions? and we are forced to fit this construct into our homosexual lifestyle.
great conundrum for me.
but then again, i did enjoy the hunk, brains and all. :)

what's your "coming to terms" story?

this is one of my classic conversation starters - how did you realize that you had M2M attractions? i enjoy the stories, an entire gamut of ages, scenarios and experiences that have been intimated to me.

mine is not particularly interesting, though. i started out straight. duh. seriously, from about five to eight, i was kissing my girl classmates, playing with the nipples of my yaya, and being sexually stimulated by my dad's playboy, penthouse magazines. then i entered an all-boys school. then i had asthma. i couldnt get into sports because after a few minutes of running around, i'd be gasping for air. i had to go for more cerebral pursuits - i turned to reading Nancy Drew. :) and getting drawn to others like me - the maximo oliveros story circa 80's or better yet maximo meets bagets.

so i went from being the sissy nerd to actually getting attracted to some of my hunky classmates. it was confirmed through a wet dream starring one particularly hunky classmate! i was terrified! summer of 78, after graduating from elementary, i was having a chummy-chummy thingie with a straight classmate. that eventually became my first boyfriend.

high school was just great for me, for us! for whatever reason, our straight classmates were COURTING us! and we had the best to pick from: the captain of the varsity basketballl team, the captain of the varsity football team, the officers of CMT (chuva military training)! it actually became quite a status symbol for these guys, some of them quite good looking, to have 'gel-friends' (that's us). it was so 'in'. i even got to say NO to some suitors! (mapili ang lola mo).

funny though - i didnt have sex with any of my boyfriends in high school. we went as far as torrid kissing (that's how we used to call it). why? sex was still scary for me.

it was only in college that our barkada started feeling the 'urges'. i guess it was only around this time that i finally came to terms with my sexuality. i was having boyfriends yes but the fact that i didnt cross the sexual threshold meant for me that it was just a phase. that was how i was denying myself.

during freshman year at that public school in diliman, i came out to my parents (not entirely of my own volition). and that's another post.

so dear reader, how did YOU come to terms with your 'self'?

Kasagingan Kapehan

Davao - check out this fairly new coffee place along Torres St. Quaint place dedicated to our favorite fruit - the Banana! Saging desserts made sosi. Taste is quite ordinary, despite the choco syrup and cream. Nice presentation, though! And wifi freespot! Witty self promo posters.

Happy Loser

Ten pounds in one month!
I am now officially at my ideal body weight, many thanks to the fitness 1st promo! Del Monte recently launched its fat-burning fruit juice thru a fitness contest at all fitness branches. Gym rats signed up to get the free cans of juice.
I signed up to motivate me to lose the last 10 lbs! And boy did it ever! I was so focused during the entire month of Feb! I consumed salads almost every meal. Upped my fruits n lean meat too! Cardio everyday, at least 30 mins, on top of my personal trainer managed weight training! Whew! But well worth it! My abs, not ebs, are beginning to show. Ive come so far yet so much more to lose!
Wanna feel my abs? ;-)

sex and the senior citizen

i was lucky enough to catch a glimpse of a scientific meeting last week focused on the aging male. i listened to marge holmes, the pre-eminent clinical psychologist best known for her very frank literature on sex! she talked about the non-medical interventions on erectile dysfunction, one of the main problems of the male senior citizen. what struck me was her discourse lifted from the book by Jolan Chan - The Tao of Love and Sex. Very simple concepts - orgasm and ejaculation are two separate things. acknowledge that your body responds differently as you grow older (conclusion - space and pace your sexual activities or huwag pilitin just for the sake of...)

orgasm and ejaculation are two different things. the secret to lifelong enjoyment of sex is to achieve orgasm even without ejaculating. think truly enjoying each and every lick, caress, kiss, bite, thrust. reminds me of a favorite motto, ala slumbook "happiness is not found at the end of the road. it is found along the way!" but she warns that you have to start early. is this possible in gay sex? could we possibly have sex and not end in a mind-boggling ejaculation everytime?

pacing and spacing your sexual activities... well, nothing too controversial there. there really comes a time when the 'mood' is simply not there. but sometimes, being gay, i persecute myself for having these moods. especially when the opportunity serendipitously presents itself! but the lesson i get - stop fighting the process and just go with the flow. that hada might be better enjoyed cerebrally or at least socially...

Piolo Repositioned

Didnt recognize hlm at alk. The 'do changed. And the attitude - mean, pa-mhen? Do you like it on papa piolo?

unexpected places

i met the love of my life seven years ago... in an oh-party.

i wasnt expecting love certainly that night. i was so ready for a night of pure primal ecstacy. i have never been to an organized oh party before. oh sure i have had the trois and beyond but these were more spontaneous. and that's another post.

a few months before that party, i broke up with a partner of six years. no regrets. i loved him and he loved me but the relationship didnt work out. we tried all permutations and combinations to make it work, including a super-open relationship. alas, it wasnt meant to be. so i was just getting back into the swinging single phase and i was swingin'! i was dating and was in no hurry to get attached. i had offers, mind you.

then i get this first-ever invitation to attend an oh-party. i brought my horny jap friend and we arrived 1030pm, thinking it would be fashionably late. we were embarrassingly early. we probably looked as if we were gutom na gutom sa laman. we were greeted by a tisoy, bespectacled guy who looked too respectable to be there (and quite antipatiko looking pa to be the welcome committee). oh well. after an hour, the 'participants' started coming. and the sex started happening. but not in the true oh sense. it was more of 'islands of lust' and not one huge continent of intermingling flesh (which was my definition of oh). so i drifted from one island to another until i came upon a nice solitary soul by the dining table (eating food rather than... ) the gorging soul was 'welcome committee' himself. and we chatted. and chatted in the most intellectually erotic way. i loved the way we ended up teasing each other, without being overtly physical.

but all it took was one casual brush of my hand on his elbow as i whispered a point i was making... the proverbial spark or chemistry and we were going at it (kissing that is).

we didnt make out that night or the night after. what was supposed to be a truly casual encounter became a series of dates... and revelations. each revelation making me like him more. that oh party was in december. by february i was falling in love and i had to admit it. he was on the tail end of a relationship (which i thought would have signaled the end of what could have been ours).

a trip to romantic batanes sealed our commitment in april.

that was almost seven years ago. writing about it still brings back the kilig. yes, the love of my life i met in the most unexpected of places...

meeting of minds

So hard to find the time to blog. Meetings whole day! That's life in the corporate world. More time is spent in meetings than anything else the higher up the ladder you go. Do I get tired of these endless meetings? I actually don't. There are meetings, of course, I would rather not attend. But I have also experienced meetings where the collective energy goes higher and higher. I love those meetings! The exchange of creative ideas, the interplay, the camaraderie developed brings a certain 'high' not unlike 'the zone' of athletics! I consciously try to turn all my meetings into that nirvana-like state! how are your meetings like?

closet opening

05 march 2007

to: my skeletons
from: the company ceecee
subject: opening the closet

gentlemen

i am pleased to announce the launch of the blog, corporate closet, philippine-made. this will be a venue for the musings and a-musings of PLU operating for the past two decades in the homo-ambivalent(as opposed to being entirely, purely homophobic) corporate world.

success comes at a price - and this is the price. a request for anonymity while trying to express a long-suppressed soul. (that's not entirely true. :) i do express myself in the traditional places - gyms, locker rooms, malate - hahaha)

i am inspired by elders in the PLU blogworld like mgg, mcvie, gibbs (and one more blogger who will have to remain in anonymity) who get to have all the fun. last night was another great night with these seniors (not senior citizens). over a little alcohol, lots of peanuts and the occasional rantings of one whose budding (bading) romance quickly soured due to road rage (:)), i was encouraged to come OUT with a blog (pun intended). hence, corporate closet was conceptualized. full moon in the background.

expect secrets of success (as if), corporate exposes (wish list, actually), gym and badminton (the athletic side), gay catholicism (oxymoronic?), a bit of sex and romance on the side.

i hope to find time to update this regularly, despite being so busy at work and at play. hearing from you will certainly encourage me.

signed: the closet case or just plain cc