Tuesday, September 18, 2007

conversation with partner: exploring 'open'

i had a good conversation with partner over the phone. i was carefully exploring the idea of opening up the relationship, because of the distance... though i was scared at first, because he has a quite a temper, he was surprisingly calm and objective as we discussed the possibilities.

i was glad i was able to 'air' out my difficulty with the arrangement. that i have needs that can't be addressed because of his absence. and i recognize that those needs are not just sexual in nature, these include the need to be with someone on a day-to-day basis, something that we had for five years before circumstances changed. and he accepted them. and he felt that maybe we should consider opening it up. but he gave me some conditions - (1) be discrete. let it be my secret, not to be introduced to our mutual friends. (2) nothing serious. understand that i shouldnt fall in love. (3) prioritize him. partner comes first. whenever partner is around, i should put him first above all.

yikes. i have violated conditions one and two. some of our mutual friends know enigma already. why couldnt i be discrete? i blame it on my need for a constant companion and bragging rights. yeah. selfish bragging rights. i wanted to show enigma off and get 'affirmed', envied in the process. that chika factor.

condition three stays. whenever he is in manila, communication with enigma is put on hold. i devote my attention to him. and even if partner is in the province, his calls get answered, even if i happen to be with enigma.

i know it hursts enigma. i feel guilty, angry at myself for subjecting him to this. but for now, i cannot do anything. i've asked enigma whether he could still bear it. yes, he still can. i dont know how much longer.

so will opening up work for us? no, not based on his conditions, sigh.


Tony said...

At least you guys can start talking about it and not just ignore the situation. Question... did he also admit that he is in the same situation as you? i.e. that he also has needs that need to be addressed or was it more like he was just agreeing with what you wanted? I'm just curious to find out if he would admit it as well.

closet case said...

no. he never admitted he has needs like mine. he was really just agreeing with the concept of it. i feel he wouldnt admit because, technically, he has to stand by his action. the action of leaving the nest for his career. kailangang panindigan.

Tony said...

Hmmm...interesting...kung baga, if you want to look at it at a tactical perspective. He ended up holding onto his cards when you showed him yours. >:P

closet case said...

true, tony. though im not really showing the entire deck yet. hahaha.