i had a good conversation with partner over the phone. i was carefully exploring the idea of opening up the relationship, because of the distance... though i was scared at first, because he has a quite a temper, he was surprisingly calm and objective as we discussed the possibilities.
i was glad i was able to 'air' out my difficulty with the arrangement. that i have needs that can't be addressed because of his absence. and i recognize that those needs are not just sexual in nature, these include the need to be with someone on a day-to-day basis, something that we had for five years before circumstances changed. and he accepted them. and he felt that maybe we should consider opening it up. but he gave me some conditions - (1) be discrete. let it be my secret, not to be introduced to our mutual friends. (2) nothing serious. understand that i shouldnt fall in love. (3) prioritize him. partner comes first. whenever partner is around, i should put him first above all.
yikes. i have violated conditions one and two. some of our mutual friends know enigma already. why couldnt i be discrete? i blame it on my need for a constant companion and bragging rights. yeah. selfish bragging rights. i wanted to show enigma off and get 'affirmed', envied in the process. that chika factor.
condition three stays. whenever he is in manila, communication with enigma is put on hold. i devote my attention to him. and even if partner is in the province, his calls get answered, even if i happen to be with enigma.
i know it hursts enigma. i feel guilty, angry at myself for subjecting him to this. but for now, i cannot do anything. i've asked enigma whether he could still bear it. yes, he still can. i dont know how much longer.
so will opening up work for us? no, not based on his conditions, sigh.