Wednesday, September 12, 2007

meant to be alone?

interesting anonymous comment

"i am entertained reading this yet i feel sad because i think you are meant to live your life alone. all your future partners and enigmas will leave you for being like this and these fleeting ^^moments^^ will be your only company. they'll go on and on and yet there'll be nothing more, nothing less."

made me look at my love life in perspective. ive had about a dozen lovers in my history, ranging from a short 3 mos to my present 7 yrs. before current partner, ive had a relationship which i consider a 'great love'. i was still in my early 20's then. he was 7 years my senior. he was gwapo, as classically handsome as they come - smiling eyes, great nose, angular jaw, though not short nor buff.

his friend and my friend were dating. our barkada was merging with theirs. and we were all going out as a group. i had a crush on him 1st time i met him, kaso he was dating another guy then. we hit it off, though, primarily because of a shared sense of humor.

he was a banker rising up the ranks. i was starting my career. the barkada went to baguio that january. and we just naturally stuck together during the trip. turns out he wasnt serious about the guy he was dating. and we formalized the relationship before leaving for manila.

after a year of bliss, really beautiful sharing (of course we had our share of fights), he got an offer to go abroad. he accepted it, telling me that it would only be a year. i agreed to the LDR (long distance relationship), primarily because i wanted to play around. but i had difficulty coping with distance. (i got to visit him there, though) when one year was up, he decided to renew... and i decided to break up. i was alone, again.

funny how my situation with partner is closely mirroring my previous one. after 5 years of wedded bliss, living together, he accepted the out-of-town post, supposedly for one year. yes he regularly comes to manila (a weekend a month). yet i get really lonely and depressed. it has now been two years of LDR with partner. and i feel it would stretch on.

i have been contemplating on calling it quits. LDR's dont work for me. i just end up cheating on him. this time, with enigma, before it was with others, not counting the playmates. totally unfair, i know. i beat myself up for this. but i dont know how to do it. i dont know how he will react. i dont know if i really want to let go. so many things i dont know.

a side note.. enigma is working on his papers to go abroad in two years. so even if i do get it on with him, he'll eventually leave and i will have to break it up because LDR's dont work for me.

a pattern emerges... maybe i was meant to be alone? my greatest loves have careers that take them away from me. sheesh. i'm such a drama queen.

16 comments:

joelmcvie said...

(taps his fingers while nakapamewang)

Huwell, huwell, huwell. You deserve the Drama Queen Award this time. After all, yours is self-inflicted. :-)

On a serious note: If you know that LDRs don't work for you, then why not just break up formally if you know that your partner will leave for abroad for a period of more than, say, two months? That way, you can have proper closure. It may not be the sweetest way to end it, but at least it's a lot neater than hanging on in an open relationship or an LDR. And if he comes back after, say, the sixth month, and both of you are still single and available AND still want to be with each other, eh di magkabalikan kayo. I know it sounds weird. Pero... why not?

demon said...

waah :( no, you're not a drama queen. there are just some inevitablethings in our journey - apparently called life. maybe you're just being haunted by your past :D c'mon CC cheer up! you still have long way to go...

YAJNAT said...

i dunno nor i do have a clue but one thing,,,remember the pic of the mushroom???

well given that,,,u knew how it grows and how it will go...

:)

Anonymous said...

Just my two-cents worth: everybody's going to be alone in the end - straight or gay - nobody else can share our experience in the end. We can be together physically with a person but our intimacy with people can only go so far. So, better get used to being alone - while at the same time thankful of the relationships, the intimacies that you had with those whom you loved or even with those who caught your fancy for a fleeting moment.

Best regards...

Anonymous said...

Quite indeed. Ragnar

JOSH said...

just enjoy & cherish each moment while you have it, perhaps in your twilight years, it will be "jesus" who will be your lifelong companion! :) shalom!

f i l l i b u s t e r o said...

LDR's don't work for me either.
pareho istorya natin ah. i also dated a banker, last year lang, who also went abroad and was supposed to come back after a month. hindi na siya bumalik.
kung hindi ukol, hindi bubukol.

miggy said...

being alone shouldn't matter if you're not afraid of that, right?

wont work for me, that's exactly my biggest fear, old and alone.

but hey, maybe you're meant to join them and reestablish yourself some place in the arms of THE one, have you ever considered?

DATS said...

not a drama queen...and youre not gonna be alone---that I'm sure, I may not know you, but cheezy may it sound you hav eyour friends or family, still their important...I am not an expert on this, since your relationship is older than mine(4yrs)...
Maybe you guys could've compromise and talk or deal with something, to save your 7yrs...you know sometimes its amazing to some when they learned that a 'gay' relationship reaches this long? right?!...
But on the other hand, LDR is such a pain a sweet sorrow...anyway i guess i'm yacking senseless here now...I wish you well...

Anonymous said...

Maybe it helps (when undertaking an LDR)for both parties to define what is acceptable/unacceptable behavior during the course of the separation. If a couple is truly decided to pursue the relationship despite distance, intimacy/sex issues shouldn't be left to speculation but discussed sincerely and honestly beforehand, taking into consideration the reality of situation and the character/need of both individuals.

It is more reasonable and defnitely easier to just let go. The viability of going on, I think, depends on the strength of the relationship, the trust level existing between the couple and their focus on a common goal.

Best regards..

closet case said...

mcvie - that's the RIGht thing to do. been thinking same thing. just not easy to do the right thing. dont know how
demon - thanks. must stop beatiing myself. at the very least, this long journey gave me something to blog, and an opp to meet you nice people
yajnat - my fear exactly
being alone - does one ever get used to it?
ragnar - ;)
josh - ultimately that is the heaven we look forward to, isnt it? to spend eternity in the bosom of Jesus?

closet case said...

filli - same boat, headed for disaster?

miggy - that is just so romantic... to meet up again in some exotic location and to pick up where we left off... and never be apart again...

dats - *hugs* yes, i will always have family and friends... but somehow that 'lover' void may be empty .. alone though doesnt mean lonely!

LDR's can work for some people. it certainly works for some straight couples (OFW families). i thought it would work for me, too. but i recognize my needs are different from others. i need a constant love presence in my life... all other permutations and combinations would be just second-best

f i l l i b u s t e r o said...

closet case - unless you paddle like crazy.

Quentin X said...

Men are predominantly visual beings. LDR's don't work for me. On the flipside, I like my space. Me and hubby sleeps in different bedrooms. We occasionally share.

Demon said...

thank you and you're always welcome. i know you're such a nice person even though we haven't met yet.

closet case said...

quentin - interesting arrangement you have with your hubby - separate bedrooms. i guess it affords you the space without having to be apart...

demon - gee thanks... methinks i am naughty and nice... hahaha