interesting anonymous comment
"i am entertained reading this yet i feel sad because i think you are meant to live your life alone. all your future partners and enigmas will leave you for being like this and these fleeting ^^moments^^ will be your only company. they'll go on and on and yet there'll be nothing more, nothing less."
made me look at my love life in perspective. ive had about a dozen lovers in my history, ranging from a short 3 mos to my present 7 yrs. before current partner, ive had a relationship which i consider a 'great love'. i was still in my early 20's then. he was 7 years my senior. he was gwapo, as classically handsome as they come - smiling eyes, great nose, angular jaw, though not short nor buff.
his friend and my friend were dating. our barkada was merging with theirs. and we were all going out as a group. i had a crush on him 1st time i met him, kaso he was dating another guy then. we hit it off, though, primarily because of a shared sense of humor.
he was a banker rising up the ranks. i was starting my career. the barkada went to baguio that january. and we just naturally stuck together during the trip. turns out he wasnt serious about the guy he was dating. and we formalized the relationship before leaving for manila.
after a year of bliss, really beautiful sharing (of course we had our share of fights), he got an offer to go abroad. he accepted it, telling me that it would only be a year. i agreed to the LDR (long distance relationship), primarily because i wanted to play around. but i had difficulty coping with distance. (i got to visit him there, though) when one year was up, he decided to renew... and i decided to break up. i was alone, again.
funny how my situation with partner is closely mirroring my previous one. after 5 years of wedded bliss, living together, he accepted the out-of-town post, supposedly for one year. yes he regularly comes to manila (a weekend a month). yet i get really lonely and depressed. it has now been two years of LDR with partner. and i feel it would stretch on.
i have been contemplating on calling it quits. LDR's dont work for me. i just end up cheating on him. this time, with enigma, before it was with others, not counting the playmates. totally unfair, i know. i beat myself up for this. but i dont know how to do it. i dont know how he will react. i dont know if i really want to let go. so many things i dont know.
a side note.. enigma is working on his papers to go abroad in two years. so even if i do get it on with him, he'll eventually leave and i will have to break it up because LDR's dont work for me.
a pattern emerges... maybe i was meant to be alone? my greatest loves have careers that take them away from me. sheesh. i'm such a drama queen.