BUI: mga walang katuturan

kagagaling ko lang sa inuman sa opisina. konti lang ang na-inom ko. pero feeling may-amats ako. eto ako ngayon, kumakain ng peras. craving ko sana chocolate kaso tataba ako. kaya peras na lang.

lumalakas ang patak ng ulan. ang ingay ng tama sa aircon.

parang nag-iinit ako kaso wala naman akong katabi. hmm. balikan ko na lang yung aking booking nung sabado. sa tagal kong nag-diet sa alam-mo-na, parang ang sarap-sarap na may kalaro. cute siya, kamukha ni oyo boy. gustong gusto ko yung accent niyang bisaya. malambing. kaya naman sa halikan palang, palaban na. sarap halikan ng kanyang labi! di nakakasawa! hahaha

at hanep sa performance. subo kung subo. parang kumakain ng pinakamasarap na putahe. nakapikit pa tapos titignan ako na parang masayang masaya siya sa ginagawa niya. sus! napapaliyad ako sa bawat subo, at ramdam na ramdam ko ang dila niyang mapaglaro.

act 1 pa lang yon. di rin tumagal ay pinadama ko na sa kanyang gusto kong pasukin siya. pinahiga ko siya sa kanyang tiyan at pumatong ako. gustong gusto niyang hinahalikan ko ang batok niya at kinakagat kagat,habang nararamdaman niya aking ari sa kanyang biluging puwet. at nung handa na siya ako naman ang pinahiga niya. mas gusto niyang siya ang uupo sa akin. para kontrolado ang pagpasok at maiwan ang sakit.

nahirapan siya nung umpisa ngunit di rin nagtagal at alam kong enjoy na siya. nasubukan namin ang ibat-ibang paraan ngunit da best talaga pag siya na aking nakahiga at nakataas ang mga paa. paborito kong posisyon yun! gustong gusto ko kasing hinahalikan siya habang tuloy tuloy ang labas pasok. at nakikita ko siyang nagsasariling sikap, sinasabayan ang aking mga galaw.

hanggang di na niya mapigilan, at ako rin... at sabay na kaming nilamon ng kaligayahan.

yan ang gusto ko sa kanya. kampante na kami sa isa't-isa kaya enjoy lang ng enjoy.

sige mga tol. pahinga na ako. sinabayan ko na rin ang pagblog ko. hahahaha

another triumph

Dear Diary,

I'm getting the hang of this! I've done it again. Expressed my feelings despite my fears. With no expectations. The honesty was appreciated. And again, it was liberating for me. Playing this pakiramdaman game was so tiring and ultimately, hurtful. Hopefully, Diary, I'll be always this way. I'll be straightforward and not beat around the bush.

I believe that by being honest especially about liking people, i affirm them. a natural consequence of doing things with love. again, not expecting anything out of the disclosure. except that they realize that they are special people.

I feel great. :)

expressing myself, finally

Dear Diary,

im proud of myself. i went out again with this uber-crush of mine, who happens to be very much attached. another non-date with him. i was surprised to receive a friendly text message from him this morning. i thought we have permanently lost touch with each other. well, on my end, it was quite deliberate not to continue communication. he remains in a relationship anyway.

but that text message quickly became a meet-up, only because i did say i was going to treat him for his birthday. but since i was wearing a different attitude this time, i wanted to stop playing coy with him and just be honest about how i feel for him. i just became tired of yet another date where we both are acting as if he doesnt know how special he is to me. so i was gathering enough courage to say it during the non-date. but i never got the chance.

coming home from the non-date, i suddenly felt that i still should express myself, if only through text. and after thanking him for a lovely time, i finally told him how i felt ...

'just delete this after reading. ive always wanted to say that you are such a great guy. if you were available, i would have fallen hard for you. so there, i just wanted to say it. no reply needed. good night!'

i still got a reply: three smileys. and that for me is enough. it is already liberating to have expressed how i felt. if he decides not to see me anymore, im fine with that. i feel really good and warm inside, knowing that i've managed to express myself, finally.

good night!

oscillations

i still struggle with the idea of casual sex versus my catholic faith. hence, i oscillate between phases of celiba-cc and pure indulgence. coming from the long weeks of celiba-cc, i am in an indulgent phase again.

fasting makes feasting so wonderful. so much pent-up desire results in award-winning performances and mind-blowing climax.

but cc is also changing. ive noticed that the pull of anonymous sex has weakened much. i havent indulged in that at all for months now. what used to be a temptation that i literally have to extricate myself from, has become a simple 'i-could-just-walk-away' situation.

casual sex is enjoyed now with 'friends'. i wouldn't even call them fubus. my understanding of a fubu is so transactional, even sports-like in engagement. i cannot enjoy sex that way. i need familiarity, attraction and loads of intimacy even after the sex, which i could only accomplish with 'friends'. so far, there's been a few who would willingly enjoy that with me. but some, i feel, expect more though they do not express it. there's this one person who doesnt seem to care about those things. i feel the genuine attraction and infatuation, even. but he knows his place.

he is one of those i enjoy sex intensely. he is such a willing giver. and he reserves the receptacle role for cc (or so he claims, though i feel truth to the claim, a tightness to the claim.) and the fact that there are no expectations yet much intimacy is the best.

as i turn the page on the search for TOFM, i'm thinking that this arrangement would be so ideal. as i express my love in my other relationships and stop needing a romantic one, i am also able to express my sexuality, glory in it with 'friends'.

but this ideal state was not the compromise situation i have arranged between my faith and me. and the guilt slowly creeps in. soon enough, i will be back to a phase of celiba-cc. and the cycle starts all over again.

the villa fabcast (i left na. but give it a listen anyway. hehehe)

Listen: (34 mins 49 sec)

Download this fabcast (right click and save - 33.4 MB)



[1] I left before this part so i'm actually clueless on how this ended.
[2] Music credit: "Boys & Girls" by the Pet Shop Boys.

sunday mass inspiration

what i love about attending mass during sundays is that i get these inspirational messages contemplating on His word. in my emo mode, i pray dearly, keep quiet and just wait for inspiration.

today, the message was 'acts of love, done lovingly' and 'do the everyday tasks with love.'

i was telling Him about this lonely, achy feeling. then i realized that focusing on what i lack, on this emptiness, will just feed on itself and cause me to descend deeper into emo-ness. i was pining for the love-high, that thrill, that rush to happen again. the message for me was that the love-feeling can also come from doing acts of love. again and again, love is an action verb. for me to 'feel the love', i should 'love', express my love to the people around. i should see how a thoughtful hug, or a little token brings smiles to faces. or just spending time and chatting could mean a world of difference. doing these acts of love, with love in my heart, always brings the love feeling... well, maybe its not that love-high, but certainly affirming and wonderful still.

its the behavior and attitude that will spell the difference.

beyond that, the task of living our lives everyday also become sources of love-feelings. maybe just typing that memo, being in that meeting with colleagues, all these activities could be done lovingly, with a conscious effort to send out love through such mundane tasks. you become aware that the things you do communicate. and it can communicate love, love of work, concern for each other, concern for customers and clients. it also becomes some of yardstick for good behavior. aware that you are doing these tasks and activities with love, you hesitate to be cynical or critical. you become open to opinions while being honest and diplomatic.

to get rid of these lonesomeness, do the act of love, do the everyday tasks with love. it comes back to you...

drawing from a 'drawing'

growing up with four sisters in the 70's, media/entertainment choices were limited. comicbooks that were all around the house were harvey comics titles like casper and wendy, little dot, little lotta, baby huey and richie rich. these comic characters were fun and funny. but i used to be puzzled why the subheadline for richie rich was 'the poor little rich boy'. with all that wealth, i was wondering how somebody could be so 'poor'.

reading through the series, i realized that the little kid, was really quite lonely. though he had servants galore, he was an only child wishing for companions, maybe even siblings. poor = lonely

decades after, im finally understanding little richie rich.

closure

after weeks of silence. matthew reached out with a message to him

i seek to understand why you did all this to me, because i was real and true to you, from the start.
not that im angry or bitter. i just want some closure with this episode of my life.
i really felt i was connecting with you. and up to this point, i wonder what was real, what was imagined, what was untrue.

but thank you, jacques, for giving me a chance to feel and dream again.

with this matthew closed a short chapter in cc's life. a chapter written 100% in the cyberzone.

problems of options

as a marketer, i've always believed that presenting too many options to consumers will ultimately be detrimental. limit the options and force consumers to choose from a few variants will lead to focus and better purchase chances. some studies have actually demonstrated the sudden decline in total purchases beyond a fixed number of variants.

i personally hate restaurants who have super-thick menus offering everything. i hate being stumped with a million choices. i want to eat in places which focus on some gastronomic specialty or cuisine.

on the other extreme is being left with no choice. which ultimately is like curtailment of certain freedoms.

so the middle ground is best, enough options to choose from, with clear benefits positioning of each option.

last night, i was presented with many potential romantic options or at least romantic-for-the-night options. candidates to the bachelor's affections. too many options, i ended up with the one most convenient, or probably the one most interested or most assertive. that ended months of celiba-cc. it was as good as it could get. but why do i feel so... pensive and brooding? why was it that with my eyes closed, it was his lips that i was kissing, his skin i was touching, his lashes i was looking at?

hmm

i answer my own questions. in the words of the great hannibal lecter: we covet what we cannot have.

it's the option that is no longer available that i want so much.

don't you just hate that when eating out?

"cc, the bachelor" update

the series is rumored to have started production again, with cc suddenly appearing from a self-imposed hiatus. all the candidates have received notice of the resumption and will be flown to an undisclosed location upon confirmation. it is rumored that the following have confirmed: john (HR practitioner), albert (call center, events), bacchus (events), jacob (flight attendant), enigma and moony. the others have either not received their notices or are still thinking about it.

producers, however, are arguing if they should include online candidates and whether this should become a beauty contest of sorts rather than a survivor-type competition. there is a faction interested in opening the field to tweeters and bloggers in all parts of the globe. however, online candidates must still come to manila from a certain period onwards, to avoid bogus personas.

we will give you more updates soon. reporting to you live...

consolation prize

part of coping is, of course, shopping. bought myself this new toy. for the past 10yrs, ive been sticking to my bulky sony crt 27". ive somehow managed to ignore plasma and lcd. but when samsung came up with led tv's, i couldn't play dedma this anymore. ultra-thin, mega bright contrasts and has the capability for wireless streaming from the computer, i knew i really wanted this. price has gone down considerably since its launch (by about 25%) but still in the premium bracket.

well, to console myself, i finally bought the 40" series 7. not too big but enough for my condo. im amazed at the colors. i have yet to be amazed at the resolution since the blu ray dvd is out-of-stock. but already im thinking 'where has this been all my life?' it really is awesome. i can even directly hook up a usb flash drive or hard drive (but only those that have its own power source) or my mac. im still determining how to get the wireless thing going, since ill be using my mac. visually, it's stunning in its thinness (you can never be too rich or too thin).

im now going to be spending nights watching dvd's again. alone. but that's fine.

next toy: the entry level av receiver by denon and a great 7.1 speaker system, perhaps by polk audio. (still thinking which to buy}.

bear mating season

someone forwarded this video to me. real life, i dont really go for bears. ive always liked them hunky and sexy. but what attracts me to watching some bear videos is the honesty. devoid of the vanity and self-adulation of the chiseled porn hunks, bears relate to each other with more honesty. the kisses are tender, the bear hugs (pun intended) are tighter. so even if videos like these dont turn me on, they actually make me feel warm and fuzzy. (another pun intended)

noynoy up close

sharing a table with a presidentiable, exchanging small talk, i got a close-up view of sen noy noy aquino. my impressions: he is no traditional politician. he definitely did not 'work the crowd' the way trapos usually do. he did his bit of hand-shaking, but it all seemed like he was still uncomfortable. honest and sincere. his track record: fiscalizer, putting corruption under control. he admits to ignorance, pledges to listen and learn. despite the receding hairline, there is youthfulness. definitely he has brains. he talks deliberately though he could go on and on.

i was one of those skeptical when he finally declared his presidency bid. but this brief encounter with the senator has made me take a more serious look at him as a serious contender, without having to consider his impeccable bloodline.

what made me fall

yes, another emo post. for some of you, please move on to another blog. for the rest....

why did i fall for you, my virtual boyfriend
your smile, your body, your honest eyes
all that i got from the pictures you sent me
but beyond the physical, i really felt a connection
a chemistry expressed in the long chats we had
you showed so much interest in me
you wanted to get to know me
you were listening to me, appreciating me
and making me feel loved
you gave me inspiration
a reason to wake up
and sleep late at night, every day
i so look forward to seeing that familiar avatar
on the YM screen
and i knew id be smiling again
and the emails, the love letters
i really felt so special, so wonderful



i miss the feeling

some good news

1) i was out buying stuff for the house construction with my architect. it was a very tiring day, going from one home depot to the other. when i was about to make a payment on our last stop i realized that i lost my wallet! my architect remained cool and we tried to remember when i last drew money for a payment. upon recalling, he called up that home depot and calmly mentioned that a wallet was probably left at the cashier. after a few moments, he was told that they did find my wallet, and i could claim it at the security area.

i rushed and was greeted by these nice security people of ortigas home depot. my wallet must have slipped from my backpocket at the entrance area, where a delivery person saw it on the ground. and it was promptly turned over to the security. everything remained intact. and i was so grateful to God for such nice people! yes, there remains a lot of nice, honest people out there!

2) it was time for my fitness first weigh in. the last time was in june where i showed significant improvements in my weight, my fat-free mass etc. this time, i finally got the goal

im 0.6lbs away from my ideal weight. my fat% is down to 19.3%, nearer the ideal lower limit of 17%. i maintained my fat-free mass of 113.2lbs!

success! part exercise, part diet, part illness. LOL. and that was after 2 weeks of not working out. just need to get my strength back (which is at 60% at this point) and maintain this. well, gain more muscle mass and i would have finally achieved a long cherished goal!

im sleeping soundly tonight.

the villa fabcast (i was still here.hehe)

LISTEN - this is PART 1 (23 mins 35 sec):

Download this fabcast (right click and save - 21.6 MB)




Credits: Podcast production by Mcvie. Music credits - "Mahirap Talaga Magmahal Ng Syota Ng Iba" by the APO Hiking Society; and "Another Girl" by The Beatles; and "Girls & Boys" by Blur.

the flirting game

lobster and cc were ganging up on mcvie (with a lot of help from kiko).

mcvie - my paradigm: id like to start out as friends. id like friendship to be the foundation of a potential relationship.
kiko, interrupts - and be stuck as friends?
lobster - you have your lifetime to be friends. romance is so fleeting. why skip that?
cc - you need to show interest beyond friendship right at the start.
you need to flirt, mcvie.
have you ever liked anyone in our parties? ive never seen you flirt at our parties. you're always this gracious hostess.
lobster - you're so maternal, so responsible. you always want to make sure everybody's taken cared of. hey, that's not your problem anymore.
cc - if you like someone, you gotta show it. you got to flirt!

i love the flirting game, not that im such an expert. but the few times that i do indulge successfully, it was wildly satisfying (even if it didnt end up on a horizontal position!)

mcvie and lobster turn to me. get tips from cc.

tips from me? you dont expect me to give away my trade secrets, do you?

well, for the sake of conversation. its typical communication theory. 80% is not said. your eyes, your body communicate. show interest with a 100% all-there presence. no darting eyes left and right.

you dont need to have body contact. but your body should show openness. fence him in just to show that 'id rather be alone with you'.

conversation? if you are interested, then ask and listen. less talk about yourself. let him do the talking. wit is a definite advantage but sincerity wins out in the end.

dont be too forward. be sensitive to his cues, too (eyes and body movement). you need not have a loooong conversation. if time is short, cut to the chase and ask for phone no.

and even if you get the brush off, just be cool and smile. at the very least, he could become a friend.

p.s. it can happen anywhere.

life of quiet desperation

i finally woke up.
it was a beautiful dream... a dream that lasted
for more than two months.
i didnt realize how desperation was building up inside of me.
until i read my blogposts leading up to
the that time when he came into my cyberlife.
alone for more than a year and a half by that time
i was convincing myself that i was good
that i was good alone
but a part of me kept on hanging on to dear hope
and that part was becoming desperate
the timing was perfect, impeccable
he, all one's and zero's, gave me a vision
of a beautiful life together
of interest in me and my life
there were signs that i should have read
bells and whistles at different points
but i didnt care
and so it ends
abrupt as it may seem
i wake up, jolted back into reality
that i remain alone
the flame remains burning
but it will slowly die
it will not be blown off
it will just run out of precious air
another drawer, another file folder
appended, categorized, labeled
filed and archived
in the hollow cavern of my heart

the PLU career series

didnt want to audaciously assume that id be dishing out career advice. but i do receive career queries from time to time, from well-meaning PLU's perhaps just starting out on their careers.

for those readers, here is probably a regular column on careers from someone who's been at it for quite sometime.

itching to jump ship?

man, i get complaints from people who hate where they are right now. they can't wait to get out of the rut they are in. sorry to hear about that.

first reaction: unemployment everywhere is rising. decades-high rate in the u.s. thank heavens you are employed. seriously. for the sake of paying the bills, maintaining that gym membership, and that malate lifestyle, keep the job.

yeah, yeah. it sucks. you have a gazillion reasons not to stay. but now is not the time. and once you are part of the unemployed, the longer you stay unemployed, the less attractive you become in the job market. it's a vicious cycle.

so what to do? keep that job. do it right. no matter how much it sucks. learn to love it, because that's the surefire way of excelling in it. you gotta work at excellence, giving it your best shot every time. no sloppy paperwork. make every little thing look like you put a lot of thought into it.

ok. from time to time you might slacken. but that should be the exception, not the rule.

go for the brownie points, for that seal of approval from some higher up. that's how you improve the resume. not by jumping from one ship to another.

silence

not a word. not a buzz. not a smiley.
an imagined reality?
an imagined emotional connection?

i survived dengue
my body was strong enough

will my heart endure
this emotional hemorrhage

of course it will, silly cc

i just wish there was no silence.
i just wish there would be angry words.
a hate email.
anything. just not this

silence.

where art thou

your ecuadorian rose
your chocolate truffles
i had them with me
i waited
and waited

this was what i saw
an empty terminal

j.a.s.: matthew VI

it boils down to this last day of waiting. by this time tomorrow, his plane will be touching down on manila soil. after months of correspondence, of long chats and sweet emails, jacques was finally coming back to manila.

so many things have happened in between that first message to this point. and he has tried to take stock of all that has transpired.

chatting everyday was some sort of accelerated getting to know process for them. allotting an hour or two forced them to talk about things about themselves that would normally take months to disclose. from the mundane (what shampoo do you use? do you snore?) to the deep and dark (what moments in your life were you most ashamed of? what were the painful lessons of your previous relationships?) these exchanges are precious to matthew. these gave him glimpses of a jacques that chooses to be honest and true. and he could only return such honesty with his own truthfulness.

soon, they will be meeting in person for the first time. matthew is this bundle of emotions. certainly excited, thrilled at the thought of finally seeing him, holding him, touching him. then there is the anxiety. the terrible what if's: if he doesnt like me in person? if we dont pick up the way we do online? if he changes his mind?

they have started to make many plans, immediate, short-term, medium-term, all beautiful. even as the fears and anxieties and uncertainties remain.

one thing he is sure of: his life is about to change, in a big major way. and this is something he has been preparing for, all his life.

cc the torrent file

blood extraction every 12 hours
49,000
59,000
68,000
80,000

im like this torrents movie you are downloading.
and its taking forever

50% complete


60% complete


80% complete


with no indication of how many hours, days it would take to complete

cc the movie is taking forever to download. not enough people downloading, not enough copies circulating. hehe