... id be on a hilltop... with a nice view maybe of the city below... or of the sea
instead im cooped up in my tiny condo, with a just a slice of quezon city to look at.
it would have been perfect if i were in that place, now that im in some kind of strange mood - reflective, feeling reticent... alone.
and id still be blogging as i look at that perfect afternoon in front of me.
all i have are random thoughts:
im humbled by a board meeting of supposed peers. but they are not really peers for these people are super, mega successful individuals with companies, wealth. and i feel so small compared to what these guys have done and accomplished. and one of them whispered to me that i should be on my own so i could make money for myself and not for others. and that demolished another self-perception of mine, of my success and my accomplishments.
im rethinking this playboy fantasy life of mine. reminding me of a 70's charlene duncan song 'never been to me'. yes, im dating these really nice and hot guys. but i do this primarily because of a perverted need for affirmation. i want trophies on my shelves. and friends shaking their heads in amazement, maybe even envy. but this fantasy needs a callous heart. one who doesnt care whether some of those nice guys are already expecting or hurting. and besides, its not as if i could call any of them mine. all i flaunt is that im dating them. and that i like them in varying degrees. and though one stands out, i just couldnt, shouldnt fall.
because falling is committing.. committing the same mistakes. of loving so much, giving so much and being taken for granted for in the end.
im ashamed of the photos of me done by a professional. with all the nice lighting and 5mega-pixel detail, which just highlighted my imperfect features and made me realize how plain and ordinary i really am, contrary to what i've thought of myself.
im thinking how this post would show how neurotic i could get, on a perfect sunday afternoon, on mother's day...
11 comments:
everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.
we all got issues.
kudos for bringing yours out.
hugs.
cc... it's like you're talking to me... sometimes i feel what you feel... believing myself to be on top but still something is really missing and at the end of the day i realized that i am a great contradiction of the real me... confused and stubbron... keep on bloggin cc... you've a lot of lives... you've moved me...
thanks, trey, really. hard when those issues punch you in the face at the same time. hugs...
hey voyager. nice to know i am not alone. this blog has helped so much. its a diary that answers back, through your comments... thank you.
One of my favorite posts cc. It shows that you're still grounded. That God still has ways of showing you your real self and perhaps in His own time, showing you the One meant for you, when you're all ready for it.
(This post)Next to your "nanay/mother's day" post, I can see that you are such a good person. And I disagree. You are beautiful... flaws and all. I guess without your flaws, there wouldn't be anything to wisen you up.
Take care!
You know, I received good comments re. my pics, but I've also received slams about it. Yes, the bad comments can smart. But we just need to be smart about these things. Just sing to yourself Christina Aguilera's song: "I am beautiful no matter what they say / Words can't bring me down / I am beautiful in every single way / Yes, words can't bring me down."
hey fbitc. long time no comment! thanks. a very vulnerable moment. yeah. very much grounded. maybe too grounded? hehe. thanks, id like to think there's still beauty inside me
hi joel. thanks.
Hey cc. Long time? hmmm sorta. Just a silent reader. hehe. I just don't know how to comment on some of your posts on your "dates". But hey, cheer up dude! :)
Hi CC. You know, I regularly check into your blog because I find a kindred spirit when I read your entries. I like your points of view, very similar to how I look at things. Here's a thought for you. I'm living that life lived by those peers you've described in this entry. I run my own company and I wield a degree of wealth and power. I'm aware that people on the outside looking in, probably look at me the way you've looked at those peers of yours,but even still, I quite often look at myself in that vulnerable way you've viewed yourself in this entry. I strip away all that high-gloss polish, and bring myself back to that bare imperfect, plain ordinary self that's always there. Whatever greatness, through wealth, through power, through plastic surgery (haha not speaking of myself) you build your life up with, insecurities never go away. I think it's good that you're still aware of that ordinary part of yourself.
I also sit here reading your entries wishing I could live a bit of your life, with your dates, your trophies hehe, your adventures, instead of running this life I've built for myself hehe. Grass is always greener eh? Cheers ;)
hey fbitc, only because i get to "feel" you when you make a comment! =)
hello pintsriped boxers! wow. you are one of THEM! thanks for taking time out to read the blog. perhaps there is kinship somewhere. i guess it really is good to be reminded, or even humbled from time to time. and while im enjoying the trophies and the dating, it also takes its toll =(
i rather receive good comments when people meet me in person than photos the looks better than real life.
slightly less flattering photos and pleasantly surprising people who finally meet you is so much more of a grounded ego boaster.
meaning an ego boaster that has substance, rather than having people rave about your studio taken photos only to meet in real person and fall silent.
hi mavey! very good point. being photogenic raises expectations that might not be met in person. thanks! makes me feel better! =)
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