Monday, November 24, 2008
sometimes, it just comes back
riding the bus from dc to nyc, i had 4 1/2hrs of nothing much to do. it started snowing hard in dc, and along the way, i was just looking at the snow-laden trees, devoid of leaves. it was a beautiful sight. something i dont get too see too often.
but the snowy landscape, coupled with piano solos on my ipod, started to bring back memories...
last year, almost at exactly the same time, i was also in nyc. and we were still together. i was over my affair with enigma. and my ex and i, we were still having problems. i was feeling burdened by all the ice-cold treatment he was giving me. yet i was buying all these pasalubongs for him, always conscious of giving him nice presents for his birthday and christmas.
i still was not imagining that we would be breaking up. i was still hoping he would thaw and that we would get back to normal. then the twist of fate. i discovered his affair, his two-year affair. and that was that.
i actually dreamt about him a few weeks back. it was a positive dream. seemed like old times.
then i am in the italian restaurant beside my hotel in dc, having quiet dinner alone. music playing is andrea bocelli. and it includes a favorite of his when i met him, 'con te partiro' or 'time to say goodbye' in english. i adopted it as a theme song. funny that it should actually be 'time to say goodbye'. haha. a portent of things to come seven years after. weird though is hearing it just as i was in this mood.
i suddenly felt sad. not so much because i miss him. but i miss the life we had, when it was still good. when we were still loving and hopeful and happy.
i sometimes feel that i failed miserably. that maybe i could have changed something. then i realize that it was as much his fault as mine.
but that doesnt change the way i feel at the moment, looking at that white, bleak landscape.
i feel that i have this chest of drawers of memories. and this chest remains out of sight for most of the time. but there will be moments when i would need to open the drawer, if only to remind myself that i have gone through the pain. and i have survived. then i close the drawer again.
Posted by closet case at 7:18 AM