Monday, November 24, 2008

sometimes, it just comes back

riding the bus from dc to nyc, i had 4 1/2hrs of nothing much to do. it started snowing hard in dc, and along the way, i was just looking at the snow-laden trees, devoid of leaves. it was a beautiful sight. something i dont get too see too often.

but the snowy landscape, coupled with piano solos on my ipod, started to bring back memories...

last year, almost at exactly the same time, i was also in nyc. and we were still together. i was over my affair with enigma. and my ex and i, we were still having problems. i was feeling burdened by all the ice-cold treatment he was giving me. yet i was buying all these pasalubongs for him, always conscious of giving him nice presents for his birthday and christmas.

i still was not imagining that we would be breaking up. i was still hoping he would thaw and that we would get back to normal. then the twist of fate. i discovered his affair, his two-year affair. and that was that.

i actually dreamt about him a few weeks back. it was a positive dream. seemed like old times.

then i am in the italian restaurant beside my hotel in dc, having quiet dinner alone. music playing is andrea bocelli. and it includes a favorite of his when i met him, 'con te partiro' or 'time to say goodbye' in english. i adopted it as a theme song. funny that it should actually be 'time to say goodbye'. haha. a portent of things to come seven years after. weird though is hearing it just as i was in this mood.

i suddenly felt sad. not so much because i miss him. but i miss the life we had, when it was still good. when we were still loving and hopeful and happy.

i sometimes feel that i failed miserably. that maybe i could have changed something. then i realize that it was as much his fault as mine.

but that doesnt change the way i feel at the moment, looking at that white, bleak landscape.

i feel that i have this chest of drawers of memories. and this chest remains out of sight for most of the time. but there will be moments when i would need to open the drawer, if only to remind myself that i have gone through the pain. and i have survived. then i close the drawer again.


J said...

maybe a dinner with partner is long overdue?

Julius said...

hahahaiizzzz.... ang sakit!!! pati ung panahon dyan, nagdadagdag pa. todo mo na lang heater mo...

dubai, uae

Chris said...

sad cc :C

John Halcyon von Rothschild said...

oh honey! next time take the plane back or at least the amtrak. the bus just gives you too much time to think.

Marco said...

Like I told a friend of mine... we never really forget, we just move on. And sometimes, we go back to visit. Just visit. There are times my ex pops up in my head and I do wonder what's happening with him. But I noticed that these are few and far in between. We did share a good 6 years together. Well, good and bad. Whatever the case, he was part of my life and I can't take that away.

Before you know it, you'll be singing along with Joey Albert.... I remember the boy, but I don't remember the feeling anymore.

PinstripedBoxers said...

Hey There,

Just wanted to share this. Your theme song, with its original Italian lyrics "Con Te Partiro" (I'll Go With You")- its literal translation talks about going off on new and old horizons together with the one you loved- of revisiting those old things again and seeing things in a new light. It's a nice feeling when some of the things you revisit are good memories. Cheers!

(Con Te Partiro)

When I'm alone
I dream on the horizon
and words fail;
yes, I know there is no light
in a room where the sun is absent,
if you are not with me.
At the windows
show everyone my heart
which you set alight;
enclose within me
the light you
encountered on the street.

I'll go with you,
to countries I never
saw and shared with you
now, yes, I shall experience them.
I'll go with you
on ships across seas
which, I know
no, no ,exist no longer;
with you I shall experience them.

When you are far away
I dream on the horizon
and words fail,
and, yes, I know
that you are with me;
you, my moon, are here with me,
my sun, you are here with me.

I'll go with you
to countries I never
saw and shared with you,
now, yes, I shall experience them.
I'll go with you
on ships across seas
which, I know,
no, no, exist no longer;
with you I shall experience them again.
I'll go with you
on ships across the seas
which, I know,
no, no, exist no longer;
with you I shall experience them again.
I'll go with you,
I with you.

joelmcvie said...

"Corporate Drawer"? Hmmmm... iba ang naiisip ko.

Quentin X said...

Snap out of it, CC. There's plenty more fish in the sea. Let bygones be bygones. It's his loss.

closet case said...

dinner with ex will not happen, j. besides, its not him i miss. it's being in a relationship... =)

tinodo ko na ang heater, julius! pero best therapy is shopping! hehe dubai? its cool weather there daw...

oh well, chris. a temporary dip in the temperature of my heart. =)

right, john! i would even avoid the darn snow! too cold!

wow, marco, 6 years is also a long time... joey albert says it best! (even with "tell me"!) thanks

oh so that's what it really means. its so beautiful. unfortunately, psb, i didnt go with him the distance... thanks for sharing, psb

at ano naman ang naisip mo, mcvie? aber?

thanks, quent. yes, i am out of it! blogging and shopping helped!

joelmcvie said...

Ay, "Corporate Drawers" pala! Drawers (used with a plural verb): an undergarment, with legs, that covers the lower part of the body.

closet case said...

those drawers!

DATS said...

I think you deserve to move on now, he is already (i guess)'ll be hard for you just to let go of those memories coz practically your part of it. I know you'll move on...You're just alone there maybe ( like Carrie when she left her firneds to Paris...hehehe) You'll be happy when you get back to Philippines. Ingat!

Anonymous said...

Sometimes I wish I could write as fluent as you. I've been following your blog and I find it so discreet and pro.

Take care of yourself.

kamote-ako ;-)

luke lacson said...

sigh sigh. i felt sad after i read this. tsk. at nakisama pa ang panahon ha. haha. anyway.. its hard. its tough. life is hard. life is tough. its how we face it. it is how we deal the toughness that life is offering.

its always the leanings that goes with the hardships that we are going through. we may not understand it right away but at some point in time, we'll understand it, sabay sabi ng "ah ok, yun pala yun"

hakuna matata!