cc review: jay

when the bakla review told me that jay was available on dvd, i immediately got myself a copy. but i was able to watch it only last weekend, with moony. i like watching the pinoy indies with him. he seems to enjoy it.

jay is a reality-tv styled movie done right. really loved it. the pacing is tight. the story is real, the characters are fleshed out. baron geisler is convincingly plu, acting so typically like a "produ". i alternately laughed and squirmed at the way the story turned out 'staged'. im remind of broadcast news, that old movie of holly hunter and william hurt. the anchor, the handsome, idolized anchor, could fake everything, including his tears for impact.

if i had to criticize one thing, it would be coco martin's character. i found it a bit of stretch that he'd allow himself to be interviewed on cam. and he is still too pretty for me.

one scene i can't forget: nanay recreating the morgue scene, retouching her powder. artista na si nanay.

magaling. magaling. magaling.

fulfillment of teaching

i just finished a class. I was approached by one student. He profusely congratulated me for the way the class was being conducted. He said that he was already bragging about the class to the others who didnt enroll.

I accepted his remarks humbly, graciously. I felt so elated.

I'm really just a part-time teacher, only one class, an elective at that. But i still put in as much effort. I feel so strongly that the students must get the value from my class, that somehow, it would be practical enough for them to use in the real world. I enrich the course discussions with true-to-life examples, which i see the students enjoying.

i started my career as a teacher, actually, right after graduating. i was enjoying that but i felt that i couldn't live substantially off a teacher's salary. so after 4 semesters, i moved to the industry. though i never regretted the move, i knew that i would eventually find myself back in the academe.

teaching again after twenty years was so intimating for me. and i knew i had to prepare for smart, nay, brilliant students. but now i feel so much more relaxed and in control. and with the paradigm that i could learn as much from them as they could learn from me, im no longer intimidated. im getting to know my students more, seeing that yes, they seem to be participating and learning.

teaching really is a noble profession.

ten commandments

i just read the Ten Commandments as today's 1st reading. such powerful statements, orders actually by Him Almighty.

thou shall not take the Lord God's name in vain. - i used to think that it was related to vanity. hehehe

thou shall not covet thy neighbor's house, wife, male or female slave - hmmm. to feel immoderate desire towards another's possession. i felt a knife go through my heart as i thought of dr summa cum laude, or even attached cutie. both of them are in relationships. and both of them i desire immoderately... or do i? am i already coveting them with my wish to have them as lovers. or does coveting them entail actually making plans to steal them away from their loved ones?

conceptual discussion lang eto mga pare... :)

another non-date?

just had lunch with attached cutie. he went all the way to my office from makati. it's always so refreshing to see him, to be with him.

our conversations are friendly and non-flirty. largely because i dont want to appear stupid trying to insinuate anything. and besides, we do have other things to talk about.

this is our second lunch. we already scheduled the next for next thursday. and im still in limbo when it comes to where this is going. im wondering to myself why he seems eager to have lunch and just chat, in the small amount of time we've known each other.

and this seems to be my song...

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cc dilemma

ill call him johan paulik. he's been a crush of mine with his tisoy good looks. he is a part-time model, mainly tv and print. but johan has a full-time job in the service industry. (legitimate service)

i first saw him in the badminton court. he was the partner of an acquaintance of mine, a really nice guy. boy, did i envy him for having such a trophy. my badminton friend was giving me the juicy details about their relationship. then, i was told that they split up.

i remember seeing his face in one of the posters in the mall. he looked really cute, even though he actually has a belly. hay. crush ko siya.

last night, i was idly surfing through fb updates and chanced upon someone's fb page. ive never met the guy but he requested for an add up, which i gamely approved. looking at his updates, i chanced upon johan's pic! magkaibigan silang matalik! hmmm baka magjowa? nevertheless, i bravely requested johan to add me as a friend.

johan was nice enough to approve. and i quickly perused his photos, his status (single!!! interested in dating, among others!!!) and i sent him a pa-tweetums message, yung tipong 'id like to get to know you better cheesy stuff' (feeling 16yo again). and ive been looking at all his photos on his fb page. that was early this morning.

mid-afternoon he replied with a super-politically correct response: one should never let pass an opportunity to meet a new friend. hmmm. safe answer.

i just replied, something safe and pa-tweetums.

but what i want to actually say is "johan, would you like to go out with me?"

should i? should i be as direct? may panahon pa ba akong magpa-cute-cute? pero takot rin naman ako sa rejection.

sus. hirap ng midlife crisis.

something must be wrong with him

how old is he? single? really? may itsura naman siya? hmm. something must be wrong with him.

i used to think that way of certain people i see or meet or even just hear about. working assumption: if you are such a catch, you must have been caught already.

now, as OSP (officially single person), im getting this paranoid thoughts. i wonder if people are thinking the same way about me. last weekend, i had a few drinks with some friends/acquaintances. one of them was asking about my status and was shocked (it looked genuine) to hear that i am single. huh? kaw single? pwede bang maging single si cc? my initial reaction was to be flattered. then as i thought about it, he might actually be thinking that there is something wrong with me. :(

then there's that other retort to this: single by choice.

yeah, im not in a hurry to get attached. making sure that the next relationship will be it.balloon thought: HA! is it really my choice? i've been choosing but my choices have been bad. if i could really 'choose', i choose to be attached, coupled, doubled!

hay. some early mid-week quirky thoughts. good day, people.

un-dating

that sums up my paradigm as of late.
last night, i spent a nice time watching transformers (ngayon pa lang!) with former 'assistant' of mine (eye-candy).
tomorrow, lunch with attached cutie, probably for lunch.
i know nothing will ever happen, and i wont even try.
id rather just enjoy the activity, the here and now of it.
without having to speculate, fantasize where it could end up in.
unlike with usual dates. where my mind and my loins start wondering
and not focusing on just the date, or my date.

a dose of numero doce

my dose of numero doce, mango square, cebu city was a good one. my friend brought me there again, with a lot more people inside this time. i had the greatest time just dancing. havent done that in a looong time. the music was familiar and cool. the crowd was primarily young and twink-full. there was this one cute guy, though, who looked like my ex-date cuba gooding. kaso, may kalansahan. sayang.

with my celiba-cc mindset, i felt better. no pressure to hook up and get laid. and even with some of them looking like they're interested, i was not too keen anymore. so i just enjoyed the company and the music, the booze and the dancing.

TOFM search to go online?

been wondering if i should include the cyberverse in my search for TOFM (the one for me).

i used to chat much back in the late 90's. yes, that long ago. i was still on an ms platform so mIRC's gay manila (or something like that) was the convenient chat room. and there was this other u.s. website i'd visit to chat for international 'friends'. i used to log-in twice a day to chat. and i built up quite a network of domestic and foreign cyberpals. then the interest just died down.

i did set-up my g4m account, but mainly to watch webcam jerk-offs. but i got tired of that, too.

but now that the offline venues for meeting TOFM have sort of dried up, i'm curious about going online again. the fabcasters tackled this previously, in relation to mgg's online meet-up experience. but i still hear of the horror stories, the urban legends. of how the eb used a photo 10years back. or how delusional some of them get regarding being straight-acting.

people, what do you think?

do you think my chances of meeting TOFM are better online than offline? how would you rate the various pink dating/hook-up sites? what's the best attitude to wear while doing this? what's your take on this? what experience have you had?

i really want to know what you guys think.

TGFDVD

Thank God for DVD. i get to watch old TV series i never got to finish. im usually like that. i start being so into a series. after a couple of seasons, the interest wanes or i get busy. so im now playing catch up on a number of them.

in the car, there's six feet under. im now on the last season, last 6 episodes. i love the way this series plays up, blows up one's neurotic and psychotic tendencies! this totally dysfunctional family remains so endearing!

at home, it's x-files. im a bit slow here, im not even done with season 1. primarily because when i get home, watching dvd is 2nd priority to catching up online. i got really hooked up with mulder and scully for a time. id even lead discussions in the office of the previous episode! and the sexual tension between the two is something worth watching every time.

the other series i'm watching are current ones. on my ipod touch is brothers and sisters. im about to finish season 3, so im almost in real time here. another one is desperate housewives, which i consider my guilty pleasure. im still in the middle of season 3 so i have more catching up to do.

watching episodes in sequence is a different experience altogether. it's like a time warp of sorts where the characters zip through their lives in front of your eyes. this is particularly dizzying for six feet under, where the characters morph every season! i could hardly recognize claire in her transformation! lauren ambrose became really beautiful towards the end of the series. im now curious to see how this time warp effect will play out on david mulder and dana scully.

ab flab

south beach fails to burn the flab. :(

is he flirting or what

1. he is in a relationship. happily married ika nga.
2. we met under business circumstances. and our first lunch out started with business talk.
3. however, the texts became less of business, more of pa-cute. i usually initiate the text-chat.
4. since i felt it was a futile exercise, i stopped the texts. and i didnt receive any from him either for almost a week.
5. i sent him a 'hello hope ur doin fine' text last sat (out of boredom, waiting for my next appt)
6. he quickly replied. and the text chat started again.
7. he asked that we do lunch again, whenever im in makati.

i like the guy. very much. but i didnt want to exert effort.
so i tried not to text. but i gave in anyway.
hibang. nahibang ako sa kanya.
now he wants to do lunch again.
i offered dinner. because i had more free time.
pwede rin, he answers.
is this flirting or just friendship?

dose

the director, senedy que, was probably two or three batches younger than me in u.p. i remembered him only because he was the crush of one of my girl-friends. he had that nerdy appeal, with backpack. i would never have guessed him to end up as film director.

the film has been generating a lot of buzz within the community. i watched the trailer months ago at tbr's site. i loved the silent film-type frames. i finally got to watch it with enigma last friday.

ill start with what i didnt like. that shot of edy looking at the old yaku in the cemetery was just tooo long for me. i was trying to time it. got tired. the walk-out scene of edy's boy-toy/fubu was a tad too corny, the lines sounded terrible. and edy's tahitian dance had me wondering where he got his full hawaiian costume. but that's all.

what i love about it.

ill start with the fact that it is a personal film of the director. and i could actually pinpoint which among the situations were probably those that the director himself experienced personally. it was very real. and the challenge of it being a period film, under an indie budget was probably herculean. but he surmounted it.

ate vi, ate guy, ness, lorna and rio and of course, the temptation island double bitches... he had me smiling ear to ear every time. talk about being able to relate so closely!

yaku's pekpek shorts made my heart skip a beat. he knew how to get my interest. yul's characterization didnt look contrived.

it's refreshing NOT to be subjected to commentaries on social condition, poverty and inequality. this was a pinoy indie film where i didnt have to think about those things.

the pacing of the movie was quite slow in the first quarter but it picked up. the build-up of the relationship felt true. the emotions edy went through, particularly the jealousies, was also very palpable. again, i could relate to this. i had my own crush, my lolo's adopted son edgar. he was this hot quiet hunk that my lolo adopted into his second family, primarily as a houseboy of sorts. so he was exactly like yaku/danny, working the garden, doing carpentry. and he had perfect thighs and legs, confined in those tight denim cut-offs. unfortunately, i could just stare and admire and lust at a distance. i was too scared to try anything.

edy is a minor. edy was sexually molested. but edy didnt feel violated or abused. his sexual awakening was just happening, and it timed perfectly with his growing love for yaku. if yaku was arrested for statutory rape, edy would have been the first to argue for his innocence.

i congratulate the director, my school mate for such a film. the topic is very, very controversial. but it was handled very, very tastefully. do watch.

making time

a thoughtful friend asked me during a get-together "are you really ready for relationship?"

oo naman! i really feel im ripe for a relationship now. handang-handa na ako.

eh kasi parang wala ka namang oras. ang busy-busy mo lagi. nagtuturo ka pa. may negosyo ka pa.

his words made me think really hard.

i know you are such a catch. but how could you be caught if you're always moving. you're not allowing yourself to be caught. baka ayaw mo pa talaga.

another friend joined in.

oo nga. tapos gusto mo pang magturo sa u.p.? eh ano pa ang matitira sa oras mo?

i rebutted.

yeah pero di ba, kung makahanap kami ng common time, de parang yun na yun. parang meant for each other.

i still think you need to stand or sit still for a moment. baka nga nandyan na ang hinahanap mo kaso ikaw naman ang di mahagilap.


now, im giving this matter serious thought.

am i really ready? or am i really prioritizing being single and being able to take advantage of the opportunities around? is it really time for me to slow down and sit still for a moment, regularly?

kwikpost: celiba-cc

(subtitle: sex-fasting)

one week-to-date i have remained celibate. (i dont count masturbation as violation)

motivation: largely spiritual - i feel i have over-indulged and i need to restrain myself. there's also the need for discipline and self-control.

so i'm fasting. sex-fasting. let's see how long this will last. :)

the midyear fabcast, part 3 (konklusyen)

ang pagtatapos...



Listen: (20 min 12 sec)

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two pink funerals

more than a month ago, i attended the wake of a school mate. he passed away at 40yo, from a fatal stroke, after having survived one five years back. this time, it was r martin's wake.

my school mate was a bright, nay brilliant fellow. highly creative, driven, passionate, he was always so in love with life. despite a first stroke, he never slowed down. and to his last breath, he was still concerned about projects to be left behind. this was one person who was fighting disease all the way. and he never gave up.

in contrast, there was r martin. id like to believe that he was just as gifted, talented, witty and smart. yet his path has always been circuitous. he was known to have seriously contemplated suicide a number of times in the past. he seemed ready to give up lots of times. and facebook bore witness to this last wednesday, friday and finally, saturday.

one was trying to grab each second life could give him, the other chose to take it away by force.

yet the funeral was remarkable similar. the pink community was in attendance. and it was actually heart-warming to see the same faces and bodies who would party in malate or in makati were there somber and sober, saying prayers, paying respects.

but you could feel the gaiety, (not gayness). i'd like to believe that by nature, the pink community really is quite happy and gay, especially when they flock together! and such lightness of being is infectious. which is why i didnt feel all that sad in both occasions.

i guess we look out for each other in bad times as well as in good.

yet i wouldnt want to attend a third one soon.

the midyear fabcast, part 2

para sa mga nabitin



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<--END--->

sensitive olfaction

a wala lang post...

i'm pretty sensitive to unpleasant odors.

i probably have the best boxing trainer in the boxing gym. he teaches perfect form. he guides me well. the only problem is how my nose detects different... odors... his morning breath (i work out at 630am) and the stench of sweaty leather mitts. eeww. as much as i like throwing that jab, that hook or the upper cut, i do not like having to smell those mitts of his.

how do i solve this? do i offer him mints before we start training? could i offer to replace those mitts with brand new ones? do i spray edt all over his mitts when he's not looking?

i get into my car. driver has been waiting around for sometime inside. of course, he had the A/C off. and i instantly detect the odor of body sweat in that enclosed space. driver is generally 'odor-free'. but having stayed in the car must have made him perspire. hay. i didnt want to be rude so i chose to just spray more edt on me. but it took awhile before the odor went away.

wala lang.

the midyear fabcast, part 1

at eto na naman ang kulitan ng mga fabcasters.
it's our toast to the middle of 2009!

Listen: (Part 1, 13 mins 53 sec)

Download this fabcast (right click and save - 12.8 MB)

requiem

R. Martin D. Asturias The murder of my beloved sister 2 years ago, my framed up that cost me more than 1M, the death of my father, all contributes to my deep pain and lost of zeal for life. Now the one person that you love and trusted can just do this simply cos he knows I have no more place to go after I left Manila. Now that I am forced out... I will go. Again, SORRY AND THANK YOU TO THOSE WHO LOVE AND BELIEVED IN ME.on Friday

gruesome real-time reality of cyberspace.

cc met r martin about 15yrs back, a young, attractive and very drunk hunk in a defunct bar in annapolis, greenhills. cc used to frequent that place, and so did a lot of people. r martin and his friend joined cc and his inuman-mates. cc took r martin home that night, to his condo in makati as he was totally drunk. as horny as cc was, and as attractive r martin was, cc didnt take advantage. and for that r martin respected cc.

that became the start of a friendship. nothing too close. enough flirtation here and there. but never consummated. they would chat if they do see each other. cc even brokered a relationship between r martin and his best friend.

it was always a pleasant surprise for cc to see r martin, whether in malate, or in the gym, or in the mall. because r martin always had nice things to say.

then there was no communication anymore, up till facebook came along. updates on each other's lives were limited to comments and small messages.

until cc came across this gruesome wall message. and the messages and the buzz became loud and very clear. r martin has passed away, and it seemed he took his own life. a day away from his birthday.

cc remains in shock. and even repulsed at the way cyberspace has actually allowed this to unfold with nobody being able to help or intervene.

we are all passive witnesses to both joys and sorrows. to life and this time, to death.

may you rest in peace, r martin.

panandaliang pagtibok ng puso

at a business function...

friend introduced me to his colleague "hello cc. nice to meet you. i think we should talk about what our firm could do for your company. blah. blah. blah."

hmmm. gwapo. dark. kinda short but proportionate. nice eyes.

"hmmm. actually, well what you are discussing sounds interesting even. but i cant seem to justify the cost. i remain vague about the value."

"i understand. ill email the proposal to you. lets discuss that. im sure you will find the value in hiring our firm."

we then proceeded to talk about other matters, although still on the business side of things.

when he excused himself, my friend whispered "teh, may jowa yan. cute niya no? ay sobrang bait pa" i was hooked. "we dont talk about being gay with each other, pero siyempe, we've sniffed each other out" i wondered if i could get him to talk about it with me.

i looked forward to the email, which came on time, as he promised. we talked over the cell about the proposal. there was some subtle flirting, from me to him. though i was sensing that he may actually be flirting, too.

"you were able to get the email? i hope we could meet up soon to discuss. you available friday?"

(kinda surprised at the speed of things...) "hmm. friday's too tight for me. thursday, there's this window available..."

"sure, ill grab that. let's have lunch."

i was kilig, sobra. yeah, it's a business meeting but i couldn't help but romanticize the situation.

we met for lunch somewhere in makati. i swear it felt like a date. we were in one corner of the restaurant, the place he loves so much. and though we discussed business matters, he wasn't particularly pushy anymore. "i understand if you decide not to. let's just enjoy lunch." kinikilig na naman ako.

that lunch meeting stretched till 3pm. we even had coffee elsewhere. and we instantly disclosed personal stuff with one another. including the fact that he has a lover of four years.

the confirmation didnt really send my spirits drooping. i still found him immensely attractive. and smart. and genuinely nice. he seemed like he has a good heart.

but i chose not to be flirty anymore. it suddenly seemed pointless. despite my attraction to him, i was not about to go out and attempt to ruin a relationship. and even getting him to bed was no longer an objective. nagbabago na rin siguro ako.

which is why i had to write this post. the situation depressed me. a fleeting moment when my heart started beating fast again. but all in vain.

thank God for blogging, for allowing me to just release this to the universe.

south beach results in!!!

wow! i finally got the body fat reading at ff abs! this is my best reading ever. my weight down to 144lbs. my fat-to-lose is just 4.8lbs from 11.8lbs last december reading. my fat-free mass (muscle+bone) is at my highest ever at 111.8lbs (which means im not wasting my muscle away)

i still dont have the six pack but im really proud of the figures/stats!