the ordeal

ive postponed taking the test for years and years. yes, i have had multiple sex partners. but ive considered myself a "low risk" player. because im not into anal sex much. and the few times i did anal sex, i was top, though more often unprotected but my partners all appeared healthy anyway.

and i havent had any major illness. except for that dengue thingie in 2009. i dont even get sick with flu. so im thinking my immune system's healthy. and of course, i do all that physical exercise! so why get myself tested?

about two years back, the news of the spectacular rise in new infections started to get around. and at the forefront of this is MSM transmission (men who have sex with other men). and they were even pointing to BPO's as "havens" of HIV transmission.

but it was only last year that HIV took on a more personal turn for me. i actually start learning of people i know, people i've met who are positive. and some of them, i have also learned, have passed away. *gulp* what used to be in another country, in another area is suddenly at my doorstep.

still i resisted being tested.

last january, it finally hit home. when a former sex partner turned friend disclosed his positive status to me at a party. i was numb at first. choosing to just not react. rationality kicked in eventually. i should finally have myself tested.

i hesitantly informed pc about it. scared of his reaction. but he was just so supportive. he promised to be tested, too, with me. and he will continue to love me whatever the test outcome. that was so reassuring.

yet i still postponed taking the test.

more and more of my friends were getting tested. most turned out nonreactive. yet there was nothing reassuring with the extent of their ordeal leading towards taking the test. one friend became paranoid for months, even after testing negative. it just got into his head. another had hysterical fits, imagining all the what-ifs. good grief. do i want to go through that, too?

and recently, more news of dear friends getting sick or even passing away. people who just tweeted a week ago were suddenly a memory.

i couldn't ignore it any longer. i set july as the month of the test. and funny, it coincided with miggs' efforts to do a rapid testing event. miggs told me to come early on sunday to take the test. i just smiled.

i told pc i wanted to finally get tested 7-7-11. i just want to get it over with. i picked the makati social hygiene clinic, where mcvie had himself and dan tested. i arranged my sched around it last week.

days leading up to today were normal. i didnt have any crying fits or hysteria or paranoia. but yesterday, whenever the thought did cross my mind, i felt a palpable fear. a tangible pulse rate increase, no matter what i was doing. i imagined how i would take the news. what were the things i would do. who should know? how do i tell my folks? what changes will happen in my life? but rather than despair over it, i started to "think positive" and assume that scenario. i would carry on. i have much too many things to do at work to be bothered by my HIV status.

so up until this morning, i was still busy with work. but during lunch, i felt the agitation. pc was running late and i was getting quite pissed. i wanted to catch the early afternoon window when there would be less people, according to mcvie. nevertheless, i kept my cool. seeing pc calmed me down. but i was anxious to really get it over with.

finally, we proceeded to makati city hall and looked for the clinic. we were lucky. there was nobody else there, except for two women waiting for results of a test they took. pc had his reservations about "government health facilities". but these were properly dispelled by the cleanliness and order of that clinic.

we were quickly entertained by the very friendly nurse, and ushered into a separate room for the "counseling" and the accomplishment of forms. i was my talkative self, funny and smiling throughout. my coping mechnism did a lot to ease the tension. pc was silent, primarily because the conversation was in the vernacular.

after accomplishing the forms, we had our blood samples taken. the med tech and other health personnel found me quite entertaining. even nurse yeye thought id make a great trainor cum spokesperson. (yikes!)

then more counseling and discussion as we waited for the results. nurse yeye was just so nice and sweet and knowledgeable (at about 85% accuracy). and she was so accommodating and reassuring.

in only 20 minutes our results came in. and she didnt read them to us right away. i wanted to grab the sheets of paper. but i just smiled and continued my rapt attention to her stories.

then she started with "well, since i already have the results, i guess you already know what it means, right?" (ahh, i do? nope i dont. did i miss anything?) "it simply means you are both nonreactive.". i could have kissed her and pc right there.

with that out of the way, we had an even more enjoyable conversation with nurse yeye.

nonreactive. how sweet that sounds. all that worrying gone with the word! i was also thinking previously that if i tested positive, it would feel like some kind of divine retribution for my sins. ahh the catholic guilt surfaces. but none of that now. its all good. and i can only thank the Lord for his grace and compassion.

we went malling a bit after, just to cool down. it was only then that i realized how tired i was, even if i didnt do any workout. all that anxiety was truly physically stressful. and only after was i starting to feel the fatigue.

relief. i feel like i was given a new lease on life. that He has forgiven me for all the transgressions, my carelessness, my callousness. and i will not ever consider unsafe sex after that ordeal. never again.

and i have this urge to just shout it out. GET YOURSELF TESTED! i will help. i will spread the word. IT IS NOT A DEATH SENTENCE. on the contrary, early detection means longer life.

from fear and dread to advocacy. i owe it to Him.


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Location:Quezon Bridge,Manila,Philippines