the odd thing about depression is that it's never one straight ride. it's really a roller-coaster.
i've been doing fine the past few days, before the weekend. i managed to look up my list of 'could have beens' and found myself happy about my self again. texted a few of them, got a few replies. and managed to get a date during s.a.d. and saturday night. just nice people i used to date.
then weekend comes and POW i am hit by this wall of sadness. and vulnerability. and doubt. and regret.
and our current arrangement is the weirdest place of all: we still share this tiny condo, separate beds now. and we don't talk. well, hardly. isang tanong, isang sagot. we avoid each other as much as we can. we come and go without a word exchanged. walang paalamanan. and it just makes things worse.
then i hear that he has talked to a few friends, no major press releases, just venting anger and disappointment. i talked to them and asked what he said. nothing really new: how bruised he is, how ive failed to note that he re-arranged his life, his career path just to come back to manila...
i called him up, wanting to finally talk in person. i invited him to dinner because i wanted to hear all these things from him. and i wanted to tell him a few things, too. no, a lot of things.
he said he didnt want to talk anymore. he's stressed. he's tired. and he just wants to move on. i had to insist because i felt this is the right thing to do. and i had all these questions in my head, in my heavy heart. all i got was an open-ended yes to dinner.
vulnerable. i started to ask what my objective was: am i opening up to a possible reconciliation? or am i really just out to get some answers? one of the people he talked to said he actually cried a bit while talking. i felt my heart stabbed.
anger. then i remember the bills, the staggering amount spent on the other man. then i feel the anger again. especially when i hear his story of denial. of how this other man is really just a friend.
self-pity. what this other man have that i didnt? why did he want to spend more time AND money talking to him than me? i wonder what his gifts were to this other man. when did he start losing his love for me?
all in one afternoon.
i come home to the condo and he's already asleep. i wake up and he's still sleeping.
this is one weird place.
14 comments:
There is free electronic version of cognitive behaviour therapy called the mood gym. It is run by the Australian National University. I have used it myself and find it really useful. For someone introspective, it is easy to use. Go to http://www.moodgym.anu.edu.au/
heya!!!
just dont stop reaching out...
bear in mind the benefit of doubt...
that both of you did some things to ruin such...
im crossing my toes,,,but you'll smile
you will move on cc.. just take it one (painful) day at a time..
hello guys. yes. i will move on. i just have to ride this one out. ill look for that cognitive behavior therapy program, quent. thanks guys...
Hasn't any one of you looked at the possibility of moving out of the condo?
You are hurting each other and yourselves.
If there is a hint of reconciliation then also look at the possibility of having sessions with a psychiatrist who deals with marriage counseling.
Sayang naman ang mga taon na pinagsamahan ninyo.
As of right now, the relationship is in limbo and both of you aren't doing more concrete steps to remedy it. Parang namatay ang isang tao at siya ay nasa purgatoryo. Di alam kung sa langit o sa impyerno.
*pat pat* If you need someone to chat with CC just text me. You know I'm almost always just hanging out at the coffee shops at T. Morato.
hello dr farmer. this is an interim arrangement till he finds a new place. definitely painful for me. i really dont know if it is as painful. sad thing is i really dont know if he's hurting over the break-up or over a bruised ego.
thanks, lobster... will organize something soon...
I hope the unnerving silence ends with a recognition of this most important value: coming clean with the whole truth--and at the time of the disclosure, both parties must keep from hurling invectives, passing judgment (and perhaps stay silent when a "ay, kaya pala" moment comes).
If it appears hard to even imagine this, just remember how you both used to share everything and anything without hesitation; it used to be the easiest thing to do, communicating the truth.
What is left in the end is what we can live with, and what we can live without.
I hope you two get through sorting through the "mine" and "his" stuff routine without any more pain than what is "enough" to honor the relationship that you have had.
It really takes both of you to work things out so even if I wanted to say you two are mature enough to work it out - seven years of sharing your life with each other is worth fighting for- it really won't matter because it needs both of you to want to patch things up and make it work again.
so this stranger is just hoping you will get through with this still retaining the memory of the good things you have had, and the lessons the end has brought to you.
hello cc...that must be hard being together but not really talking to each other. distance should help you guys think about your relationship and where it should go. i do believe that you guys have to sort out your issues so you can both come to a closure, if that's where your relationship is really heading for. i hope i can talk to you or exchange emails with you, ie., if you want to and have the time.
i fervently pray that everything will be sorted out with you and your (ex?) partner.
cheers,
jon
Still living in d same condo, now dats hurts me to pieces.... enyweys, can i now great u happy bday? or next week pa,hehehe!
Always remember, u r complete by urself! but compliments do come in handy, hehehe.
this is insanity.
same condo.
same place.
all the memories.
can life be more unfair than this?
hello jasper. i dont know if we'll ever get to the point of revealing the whole truth. i'd like that closure but i feel he doesnt feel the need since it is over. but closure or not, i will move on. thanks.
hey stranger. thanks for always being here. i want to keep the nice memories but i guess its too early for that for me.
hello jon. there is no relationship to speak of anymore. and that's funny part. i think closure will just have to be from my end.
yes, josh. im just glad he's away for a week or so. i think he'll be avoiding my birthday
dave. id just like to look at the bright side. i still have family, friends and this blog to pull me through.. thanks.
how sure are you that he is playing sweet music with the badminton buddy? probably he just enjoys talking to him. he never admitted to his "infidelity", right?
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