having been unfaithful, too, did not take away the pain of discovering one as the victim of infidelity. it still cut deep to know that there was or is someone else that a lover deems more important.
actually, that is the bottom line of this pain. beyond the dishonesty or betrayal of trust. i hurt most because i realized that for the past two years, partner has valued someone else much more than me. someone else was more important. someone else was more missed. someone else's voice or conversation mattered much, much more than mine. so much that money was no object, as long as they kept in touch.
affair or not, this is the truth of the matter. and it wasnt only in the calls. his behavior towards me had also changed even before my revelation, all pointing to cc having diminishing value in partner's eyes. he was quick to point out my faults. stopped being proud of my achievements. quick to blame me. wasnt as interested in my stories. late during certain meetings. stopped having sex with me months back. then after my disclosure, this all went to zero level.
that is the heart of this pain. yes, self-pity. i always wanted to think of myself as fairly attractive, a good catch, hard to replace. and he has made me feel otherwise. i was worth... less compared to someone else.
19 comments:
Hopped in from mgg:
*HUGS* =(
I feel your pain.
That was really too bad. For whatever it was, minsan sa buhay mo ay minahal mo na rin siya.
Ganyan lang siguro ang lahat.
ang masakit eh mahal ko pa rin siya, dr magsasaka.
thanks for visiting, too, kiko
i understand how you feel, to be an option and not a priority, been there last january.. but ralph waldo emerson said "our deeds, our actions, are our angels." keep your faith on yourself and make it strongera nd you'll get by.
seek the lesson, but never deny the experience.. though i am not the best person to say this (and i am just a pakialemerong stranger)..
-- --
hi im supposed to ask something about "professional stripper," because i am looking for one.
josh of josh's doves (matthew) directed me to this blog because he mentioned that you post something about bridal shower last year and can't seem to find the entry but i think this is not a very proper time to do so..
"someone else was more important. someone else was more missed. someone else's voice or conversation mattered much, much more than mine." - you pulled the right words there...same thing happened to me, too...
i feel sad for what happened. so sorry.. oh well...
Kung mahal mo siya, bakit hindi mo siya mapatawad?
Has he fallen from the pedestal of your esteem?
Is he worth grieving over? If not, snap out of it, Darl. It's not good for the skin. :)
Seriously though, it is going to be tough times ahead if you wallow in self-pity. It breeds anger and contempt. Think of the times you made some indiscretions yourself. Be compassionate. Replace jealousy with compersion and selflessness. Only then can you say you have well and truly loved. If this all too hard to do, get up and dust yourself. Have a divorce party. There's plenty more fish in the sea. Like you said, you are fairly attractive, a good catch, and hard to replace. Don't let anyone make you think otherwise.
When we fall in love, we dont prepare ourselves for break up's to happen. We are so focused on the here and now and we never think of endings. Thats why when it happens, we don't know how to deal with the pain. It's true for everyone and for all relationships, straight or otherwise, so you're not alone CC. You deserve to grieve and you deserve time to heal. We hoped it never happened to you or to anyone else for that matter but its a fact of life that we have to face. As long as you continue to believe in yourself you'll get out of this situation a wiser and a better person.
If its any consolation your blog had been a source of learning for everyone. We feel the sincerity and truthfulness of what was written. I'm sure everyone will pick up a lesson or two from all of these. We feel your pain CC, i just hope that in our own little way, we have given you some comfort and encouragement.
Take comfort in the fact that all your friends are with you through all of these, i know madami sila since i have seen how nice you are in the short time that we met. Have faith and enjoy being single for the moment.
Kung mapatawad man, kailangan bang bumalik?
beautiful words, davenport. thanks for sharing these. i really like "seek the lesson but never deny the experience"
about the stripper... you'll have to send me your email. its not as if i really do have connections but i will try...
hello adrian. thanks. it keeps on repeating inside my head.
dr magsasaka, he's not even sorry. he maintains his innocence. and he feels i am out of line. i actually do understand him. it just hurts a lot.
quent, i continue to see him as a good person basically. wallowing is part of my drama so i indulge myself. but i also snap out of it. couldnt afford the luxury of true depression. :)
hey raffy. thanks so much. true, true. nobody sane prepares for a break-up. friends like you help so much with the coping... that this blog could help enlighten others already eases some of the pain
jcp. forgiveness i could easily do, if he is even sorry for what he has done. getting back together is not impossible. but curiously he feels he is the aggrieved party. not me.
it seems you have strangers giving them their shoulders to which you can have some respite from the pain. it reminds me of that line from Tennessee William's "A Streetcar Named Desire" where Blanch Dubois said, "i find comfort in the company of strangers".
i guess that expression is apt for how the people are reacting to your pain. and how you try to find comfort through other people's words. :-)
i have no words of comfort or any wisdom to offer only this... pain, like any wound, are bound to heal. the "bad" thing about it is, they eventually leave scars as a reminder.
hi cc, glad u respond positively sa inquiry ni davenport. :) still recovering huh. ah ganoon, ba, eh also feels as d aggrieved party? hmmnnn. anyway, perhaps LDR is not really meant for u. Now about dat single awareness day, hehehe. may get 2geder ba sa araw na yan???? :)
hello palma. thanks for visiting. i dont consider readers strangers anymore. i feel a kinship. i cant put this into words. these are not disembodied words i read. i read people, though nameless, faceless. but people nonetheless. and i take great comfort in them.
josh. im still waiting for him to send email. definitely, LDRs are NOT for me. as for S.A.D. online ang get together!
ive been a silent/virtual spectator of your love journey since the inception of this blog.i tried to put myself into your shoes and one learning i got was this is such a HUMBLING experience for me,that no matter how good catch i am,still i am replaceable,no matter how long and strongly founded the relationship is,pag may naging mahina...may masisira..its ok wallow in self-pity and grive for now.it came to pass.be happy,HE happened to you.
Ana
CC, I sympathize with you.
I know how it is to be made to feel "worthless" by the very person you love so much. I always felt like the spare tire in our relationship. Valued only when other priorities fail.
And like you, we have a long relationship. Twelve years of living together.
Just like you, I was also "unfaithful". For me, it was always a conscious decision to be "unfaithful" with someone. I knew I could choose not to go through with it during those crucial moments, but I engaged in sex because I felt that I wasn't being recognized by my partner for the good side of me and the person I was committing the act with, did. There were always circumstances that were a prelude to me being unfaithful.. I would find that he was meeting other guys behind my back (he said that nothing happened, he just wanted to talk to someone else about being gay and I do believe him because he is honest), or he just did not want to have sex with me for months (because he says he is just too pressured at work), or during the times I just felt totally neglected or even abused (feeling nothing I did was right). Talk about low self-esteem hahaha... but because of these circumstances, I never felt guilty about "cheating" because for me, they were things I did to help myself. I just accepted that I had needs too which he could not fulfill - be they the psycho-emotional need of feeling appreciated or at least recognized as someone of worth, or even just for the fun of having sex - of being in a position to "communicate" with someone with your whole being who reciprocates this need too, because we just did not do it this way in our relationship anymore.. Just to be clear though, I do not seek circumstances that might lead to these situations and when I enter these situations, I also think of whether this situation would hurt the person I am entering it with. But having been the "unfaithful one" in our relationship has often meant being in the losing end of almost all big arguments. And he always uses it as an excuse to justify whatever "wrong" he does. He feels that I wronged him... so much like your partner does, I guess.
Like you, I feel that this is unfair because I feel that I am the one constantly hurt. And if I choose to, I could always leave because I, like you, without false modesty, am a good catch too.
So I feel that somehow I understand your suffering, even though I believe that what I think you must be feeling is just a small fraction of what you really are feeling. But even with just this, my heart goes out to you.
But unlike you, despite being second to almost everything else of importance to him for so long, I and my partner are still together. I guess we just realize that the heart is not logical, and at the end of the day, despite everything and all the hurts we have inflicted on each other, we just feel most at home with each other and this is us, at our most honest. The early years of open communication and giving utmost importance to each other are just so etched in the memories of our hearts, I guess, that we feel most at home with each other and that even our bodies know it, even though logically, it just does not equate... even though the logical conclusion is to let go and to move on and find a better partner. All I know is that for us, there are times that we are hurtful to each other, and that we are not perfect for each other - we each have needs that neither seems to be able to fulfill - but somehow, we just "need" each other in a way that is not logical but is very sincere nonetheless. I guess we are both crazy. I even thought that we are so unhealthily co-dependent. But our relationship seems to be working for us - or I guess we are just too stubborn.. but being together is our decision which we continually just choose... there are so many times that we could have chosen otherwise.. other guys who come into our lives... or work... or just feeling so tired of it all... yet we choose to stay on and work it out... as much as probably you have chosen not to continue yours..
I know that you both have reasons good enough for each of you to choose to end your relationship. I hope that during your lonely moments or those times you feel pity for yourself, you remember your reasons and accept them for what they are - most likely attempts at self-preservation. Your judgment may not be the best, but you are deciding for your life - and in the end that is all you can really decide about. I believe that the heart never forgets - so your love for him will always be alive- but the heart can love so many others, and none less than the others who have gone before him. So keep on loving. Time will help you cope with hurt - I guess the hurt never really dies because the love never dies - but we do learn to cope, with time. Just keep to your choices and believe that you can choose to be happy or at least, contented. You are a beautiful person with a lot going for you - health, family, friends, your looks, your charisma, your intelligence... worthy as anyone else, of happiness and of a chance at living a full life.
CC, like you, I am "young". We both have a lot of time (statistically speaking) to live. Let's choose to live a good one.
I hope that life would be kind to you the coming days.
hindi ko lubos maisip kung ano gagawin ko pag natapos ang ganito kahabang relationship. haaayyy.
hello ana. you are definitely right about the humbling part. no one's indispensable. thanks for reading.
hello anonymous one. thank you for sharing your story with me and the other readers. 12 yrs and counting. you have your reasons for staying on, inspite of... or because of.... but in the end, if it works for you, then it must be good.
hello elfilli. ako rin. di ko pa maisip. day to day i live my life.
can't help but get back with this blog, this is a sad sad sad story. ilang beses ko mang ulitin basahin still fnd myself really into it.
Aww, sad. :( Sana after 4 yrs, nakahanap ka na. :)
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