when we were all still single

this sounds so funny and nostalgic now. a point in time when all of us were single. joined by the now-famous mani gallery. tucked away in bulacan for an overnight-er. the podcast was done in the morning after a night of drinking and swimming.

thoughts on singularity were both hilarious and poignant.

enjoy :-)

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great choreography

i just watched orosman and zafira. i have to admit that hadnt it been for gibbs making it so convenient, i would not have watched at all. and of course, mcvie blogging about all the abs...

i enjoyed the musical! i love the production design, the moving cogon grass drama. the 'greek chorus' behind the screens. the river to the other world.

of course i had a difficult time, at first, trying to follow the verse. then i realized i should just let the words flow through me. and take in the visuals, the acting and the dance. then i started to understand.

on the nega side, well, sometimes the 'arias' become just wailing for the uninformed listener like me. a part of me is thinking.. okay, okay i already got the idea the first minute of the wailing. and the costumes were confusing. i wish there was more distinction between the lady characters who looked alike much.

finally, this musical is breathtaking for the choreography cum musical score. totally creative. and that twenty plus dancers could do their thing on the tiny stage. my only comment, and this is a comment for most filipino group dance movements i have seen, is that it lacks discipline.

the dancers do not seem to move at the same time, and/or with exactly the form, lacking precision. they don't 'snap' in time at the same time. there is so much discipline that i observe when watching production numbers of western dance groups. when they move, they move totally in uniform. the legs are raised at exactly the same height, they bow at exactly the same level. i can imagine the choreographer cracking his whip, with matching meter stick, just to get it perfect. hence, the 'discipline' needed to execute it flawlessly.

even watching these dance contests, you could spot the difference. knowing the movements is one thing. but doing it in perfect synchrony is another. and that's something i want to see more of.

but orosman, the experience is still breathtaking. an affirmation of filipino creativity in the face of limited resources.

the business of relationships

its been two years and a half since ive been in one. so im in the process of getting used to it again.

once the commitment was sealed, it was getting down to the 'business' of things. the 'hard work' (though its not really hard work if you are enjoying what you are doing.)

scheduling

first off, im voluntarily allocating most of my free time to be with him. if before, it was simply deciding whom to date or to book, now it's deciding whether to watch this dvd, or just eat out or visit the gallery. it's both familiar and new.

the change of status

it used to be a longer, more arduous process. "teh, may sasabihin ako sa iyo. may jowa na ako." then the shared KILIG and the full story of how it happened. each BFF, one by one. or to the group during dinner. a press conference. complete with press kit.

now it is an fb account setting issue. one tick mark. and the flood of comments and "likes" start. it's actually fun. so easy. the harder part is explaining who the guy is, how it happened. well, partly this blog is handling that. but for the non-raiders...

the formal intros

"oh ano? kailan namin makikilala?" for me, this includes family. im slowly setting up the dates when he gets introduced as prince charming. this last thing is peculiar. previously, i would bring guys i date to parties, to dinners, to the family. part of that process was to actually to get feedback on the date, the "kilatisin" factor.

as my feelings for prince charming started to grow, i felt that "kilatis" was not needed. i started to feel so strongly for him that it didnt really matter whether he would pass the screening. that, for me, was a profound change in the way i thought about relationships. i realized then that i was sometimes just using their opinion of my date to justify not getting into any relationship. even though for the most part, my previous dates all passed the mark.

so here i am again, taken, attached and committed. attending to the details of relationship building. loving it.

for those tired of Major Major. Skip this.

sorry i have to contribute to this kaguluhan. im just AMAZED that u.s. news would find this story newsworthy. but i like the way they actually threaded it with job interviews. and im still proud that they mentioned she was almost a sure winner.

but still... a spot on primetime news?

SAHC: Getting Into Trouble

We had our reckless moments as young PLUs, thinking that every guy was fair game and all we encountered had honest intentions. We were all finally acknowledging our sexuality. and we'd always open our eyes to serendipity. that next cute guy looking at us may be the next hot encounter. we had, of course, safety in numbers. we'd prowl as a pack.

one evening, nathan, felix, beth and i were in greenhills, staying out pretty late. as we sashayed along the now-empty sidewalks, we were greeted by these guys, college kids like ourselves as we passed them by in the parking lot. one smile was all it took for us to approach them and engage them in flirty conversation. and they were obviously game. there were more of them, probably around 6 or 7. they had two cars. we all agreed to have fun in a darkened corner of greenhills. so we rode in their cars and they drove us to what we call the batcave.

this is stretch of road under one of the ramps that lead into greenhills. a tunnel actually. they parked the cars, and we all got out. the group fanned out, so each of us had either one or two guys we were going to have fun with. but we were all pretty close to one another.

and just as i was thinking that sex was about to begin, one of them starts asking for money from me, from us. and when we argued that it wasnt part of the discussion, hell broke loose. felix and i were cornered. i got hit on the head. felix in the eye. nathan and beth were able to run away, shouting that they were going to call the cops. that scared the guys and they scampered away, jumping into their cars.

that single blow on my head only hurt my pride, and got me seated on the pavement. felix was crying badly. nathan and beth returned to help us. we were all badly shaken. we spent the night at felix's place trying to calm down, analyzing how badly we judged their character, wondering whether we will tell the others of this extremely embarrassing incident.

we swore each other to secrecy. it was only much much later that we disclosed this to the rest of the group.

stupid and shameful, that incident reminds me of how my hormones cloud my better judgement.



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the last time

words that never rang more true
than now
than this moment
gazing at the pools of your eyes
drowning. drowned.



thank you for making me realize
it can still happen
to me

road tripping

sunday is family day for pc (prince charming) so we will not be spending time together. so its going to be just me and my baby. i drove my baby all the way to navotas, hoping to visit the wake of a friend's dad. along the way, i realized the streets were becoming narrower and narrower. and the tricycles and pedicabs were getting too close for comfort. my baby was such a head turner, especially in that part of town. i was starting to feel hot under the collar, since my baby was obviously sticking out in the place (no offense meant. a low roadster was a poor choice to bring in flood-plagued navotas) and traffic was bad for a sunday. so i had to endure the ogling. squarely my fault.

naturalmente, i couldnt find parking so ended not even going down anymore. besides, id be too worried about my baby on the streets. so i made a u-turn and went back out. the nice part was when the traffic made me stop in front of this barangay gym. and all the cutie, sweaty local boys went out to look at my car, and even take pictures. LOL. i tried to look cool. but in my head i played out a scene: i get off from my convertible, in short, short cut-offs, a shirt tied in across the big breasts. "hiya boys, could any of you show me where the ladies room is? LOL

coming out of navotas, i decided to try the C4 that supposedly connects to a major road, radial road 10. thank God for ipad maps!

now that became the highlight of the trip! that radial road is actually coastal, taking me from navotas going down to port area. the road was wide, the afternoon sun was on my right, shimmering on the sea in certain areas. well, the left side was all lined with squatters which didnt make such a pretty sight. but the travel was amazing at that time, with no traffic and a few stoplights.

i eventually passed the ports and soon, the map told me i was going to connect to roxas boulevard! and there it was, still so clear of traffic, passing intramuros, manila hotel. i ended that trip at ccp complex, starbucks harbor square, just in time for the sun to set at manila bay. with ipad on hand, i was able to write my note to pc,missing him dearly.

on the way back, i had the top down only for a few minutes. then i realized that it was going to rain so i had to put it back up again.

it was a great, simple road trip. i leave you with this cloudy sunset.

some rain

i am still euphoric over the turn of events. i feel this sublime happiness and peace knowing that i am loving again and being loved in return.

then i get news of parents passing away, of people leaving the company after serving for many years. and a little cloud starts to rain.

i heard that my ex lost his father last night. and no matter how deep this chasm between us, my heart reaches out in feeling his pain. all i could do is just send a message.

i was told that a good manager of ours has just resigned, lured by a competitor. she was one of the better ones. i had big plans for her though i couldn't discuss that yet. i perused her fb and read her posts, her goodbyes.

endings. sad.

but never enough to overshadow the brightness of my new beginning.

man-crush: i give in

and there he was again. i was looking at his face pic. and i couldn't resist anymore. i sent him a message of greetings. he gamely responded and i was elated. surprised that he noticed me again.

after a couple of days, he was online again. i resisted to be the first to make the move. and he was again making no attempt to say hello. sigh. i sent a message. this time no reply. so i just ignored his 'online-ready-to-talk' status. and i bit my lip.

eventually, i got used to seeing him online and just ignoring him. i can definitely take a hint. and im not about to force myself on him. so i pre-occupied myself with other friends there.

until one rainy evening, i decided to chat with him again. just a friendly chat. that extended and extended. and as i was about to carefully ask for his number, he beat me to it and asked for mine.

we transitioned to a conversation over the mobile. and it was a wonderful conversation. intellectual. slightly personal. more of me asking and him answering. so even as i was elated by the jump to actual conversation, i was still not feeling a strong interest in me.

well, im not about to give up. yet.


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singularity ends

i put a period to the singularity series of the blog.


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Thursdays with CC: Blessed Discontent

yes, this is a friday. but my thursday was preoccupied with other things. but that's another story.

now, where were we? ah yes, blessed discontent.

i picked this up from a reading on japanese quality management. it is the spirit behind kaizen, continuous improvement. snd the antithesis of 'if-it-aint-broke-dont-fix-it' mentality. a paradox really. but eventually you will realize that at the heart of life's greatest learnings are paradoxes we must not just accept but actually understand.

one of the factors for the success of the company is a never-ending quest to improve one thing or another, be it a process or a product or a policy. im constantly challenged to see if something could be made better, knowing that things could never be really perfect. but such a mindset is a not based on being constantly unsatisfied. whenever something is achieved, an event is successfully mounted, we glory in it. i heap lavish praise where credit is due. then when the dust settles, we objectively looked at what could be better. there is profound gratitude for a job well done, for a process that. works seamlessly. but coupled with that gratitude and acceptance is the seemingly paradoxical perspective of thinking that 'lets see how things could be done better'.

in your daily tasks, try as much not to be held hostage by the tyranny of what is, of status quo. even within your cubicle, or with your team, you could always take a step back and see whether there are things that could be improved on. challenge yourself to uncover these hidden sources of efficiency and/or value. dont let the naysayers dampen your spirit. and there will be a lot of them.

as you try to work out an improvement, you can work on it silently. i suggest you do not trumpet your work-in-process. find a mentor, a senior manager, preferably your own boss and make him as a sounding board for your ideas. i would emphasize that this must be someone you can trust, since it is in essence your intellectual property. but even on a worst case scenario when he/she gets the credit for something you actually conceptualized, be consoled by the idea that your idea WORKED. your attempt to improve something actually was successful! and that is quite a fulfilling feeling!

take care also not to ruffle feathers along the way. remember that certain previous processes have been owned by others. and your improvement should NOT make them look bad or inadequate.

so even as you appreciate what is, you can always think of 'what could be.'


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Theatre-athon

last saturday, i did my first theatre-athon. i went from Cats to Master Class, with a two hour break in between. it was fun, though im not sure if i maximized my viewing pleasure with what i did.

watching the Cats matinee was really quite unplanned. ticketworld suddenly offered discounted orchestra seats. i had a great seat, a wonderful center view of the stage. Cats brought me memories of my sister, now based in the u.s. she was always the most theatre-inclined among us. she had a collection of cd's of musicals including cats. i'd borrow and play the cd from time to time, but zeroing in on memory and jellicle ball.

the dance numbers, production was incredible. but i have to admit (sorry gibbs) there were moments i would actually doze off. i had some difficulty understanding some lyrics. and i end up just dozing off. ot was only upon buying the f**king P500 program did i understand the names and the story behind. then as grizabella was first making her entrance, the old couple beside me were whispering whether it was lea or not!

i love the costumes, choreography. the plot was a lot simpler than i had imagined. yet lea's final rendition of memory still left me teary-eyed. i felt it. i really did. and with her ultimate redemption, i also felt much joy. so a slow start for me ended on a very high triumphant note.

master class is cherie gil's tour de force. we had such great seats we were looking up as she delivered her emotional solilquies. i could see the tears form as she discusses her pain, her agony loving aristotle. she was so moving, incandescent in the role. and it was so well-written, the musings and the lessons of a true artiste, as scarred as they come.

id catch a few times she would buckle or get some words wrong. but she picked up so quick you would never have known.

the personalities around her in the class all had good voices. but the tenor seemed he was just mouthing a script. he looked so uninspired.

as a whole, i was also blown away by master class, certainly on a totally diffferent plane from cats.

i look forward to more emotional highs that only theatre could give. and this is as 3D as it could get. lol


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really, DO NOT STOP BELIEVING

its been years since i posted about 'the secret'.

then i was given this gratitude journal by a dear friend. and i started writing on the journal as instructed. i write down stuff im grateful about on one side. and i write down stuff i am wishing and wanting on another side, BUT written as an accomplished gratitude note, a way of reinforcing the wish fulfillment as espoused by 'the secret'

march 26, 2008 i wrote

thank you for my new car - mazda mx5. thank you for the great discount i got!

i wrote this after seeing the mx5 here in manila for the first time, after falling in love. it seemed like a pipe dream then. totally. financial capacity, other priorities and sometimes, even the sheer impracticality of that roadster were weighing down on me. but heck, i put it there anyway. including a six-pack abs. and of course, prince charming.

fast forward. that entry is now reality. two of the six pack have started to appear. hehe. prince charming is perhaps just around the corner?

this is not a wholesale endorsement of 'the secret'. but a reinforcement of the power of faith. of focus. of not losing sight of the prize. it may take years. but ultimately, glee has it dead on...

dont stop believing, really.

Watch this video on VideoSurf or see more Matthew Morrison Videos or Glee Videos

finally, love

Twitpic - Share photos on Twitterfirst day driving my love. exhilarating. in the process of break-in so i wasn't revving up much. it is heaven, just riding in it. feeling the beige leather seats. being engulfed by the 7-speaker bose sound system in two-seater cockpit. then around sunset, an opportunity to drive around with the top down. when love takes over, blaring from the speakers. then switching over to classical, full-orchestra.

it is sublime.

microposts

1. i like the way our country needs 'the' for proper introduction. "hello. im from the philippines." unlike our other asean neighbors. "hello. im from the thailand." or "the indonesia". just doesnt sound right. we are in the same league as The united states, The netherlands, The dominican republic. yes. its miss universe time once again.

2. i recently shifted from colgate to hapee. and im happy. i used to be a loyalist for colgate white. i tried the hApee white variant and found it agreeable. a filipino company, too. proudly. another one for patriotism.

this should have been entitled patriotic posts. :-)


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wasted aesthetic capital

this post comes after a night cap at starbucks with fellowfabs and friends dissecting, criticizing uber-high falluting posts.

im reading the dailies of a few days back. ivan padilla, carnapper king, was described with matinee-idol looks. then i remember murder suspect mark dizon and celebrated road rager jason ivler.

"pare, tang ina! ang ga-gwapo pa naman!"

in our world where aesthetics reign supreme, good looks is capitalized as a way to advance in the economics of life. it is, by no means, a sure deal. but it certainly opens doors. 'artistahin' you will be called. and somehow, somewhere, you will get noticed. you may not become the next piolo pascual but because of your looks, you would probably have gotten more breaks.

so when i hear of cases of carnapping, murder, homicide and i see a cute face to the case, i wonder why they wasted the capital.

but on hindsight, they may actually have used their looks, but not in the honest-to-goodness way we are used to. who knows? they may have used their looks to hook a victim, or to get away with bad behavior.

and in our looks-obsessed pink world, we may fall prey much more easily. if you saw these faces in grindr or planet romeo, wouldn't you at least say hi?

Age Of Innocence, Revisited

A friend recently gave me a dvd of the film. I've watched this Scorcese film long before. I have forgotten the story line. Trying to recall it, I keep on confusing this with Dangerous Liaisons. My dear friend told me to enjoy the film again, because he continues to be so enamored with it.

It is a beautiful film. Exquisitely produced. A true audal and visual delight as the audience is transplanted to turn-of-the-century New York. The costumes, the production design are impeccable. I drool over the numerous classical art on display on the walls of New York high society. And with a beautiful, haunting orchestral soundtrack. No wonder my friend loves the film.

The story is quite simple. In the pretentious world of high society, with strict moral codes and ethics, a woman tries to go against the grain. She is labeled and effectively marginalized. But not before capturing the heart of a young man, already betrothed to another, of the same class and breeding. Their passion for each other, severely tempered by the circumstances. They steal a few moments just to be together. No, there is no sex. Yet the few instances when he manages to touch and caress her, both of them fully clothed is even more erotic.

Never consumated, their passion eventually gives way to rationality, to convention. And they grow old apart. Though a final scene was almost a meeting many years after, he turns away from the chance to see her again, resigned to their fate yet truly loving as one could ever love.

Now back to earth, I'm wondering if that could happen to me. Could I actually fall in love so deeply with someone without having even sex at all? And should that chance finally happen. Should that opportunity to finally express the passion sexually happen, would there be a danger of 'sexual failure' because of incompatibility? And with that, would love suddenly dissipate, a mirage really, for all that time?

how important is sexual compatibility really? Isn't love so true the only real aphrodisiac that transcends sexual compatibility? Isn't this preoccupation with being sexually compatible simply another manifestation of our compartmentalized lives, the heart and the loins in different drawers, each independently satisfied? And if this popular culture was otherwise, just like in decades past, would we still put as much emphasis on being 'compatible in bed'?

could you fall in love without the benefit of sex? or is sexual compatibility one of the metrics in measuring whether one is 'in love' or not?

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falling in love, deeply

is love a huge hole in the street of life that one 'falls' into? is it that bottomless pit, then, that one could not come out of, ever?

the act of falling scares me, literally. i remember back in fourth grade, i fell from a six-foot ledge in school. i landed on grass so all i had was bruises. but the sensation of falling and hitting the ground, and not being able to breathe as my abdomen was in some sort of shock i vividly remember. i didnt black out. i remember the faces of curious kids looking over me. stupid me.

oh, i also fell in a fish pond when i was six, at my lola's house. it wasnt deep but i remember actually seeing the carps swim by.

falling in love had none of these negative emotions. whether with people or with objects.

i fell in love with the miata in 1998-99. mazda was relatively new in the philippine market. and they sold that miada, a 1600 incarnation at the suoer affordable price then of a typical 1600 car, a corolla, a lancer. yet i still couldnt afford it. but that started the love affair. well, i've always wanted a sports car convertible. and it was shaped just the right way. they discontinued selling the miata here after a year or two. and it soon became a cult favorite. with a very active secondary market.

so i waited and waited for the miata to come back. i was never into second hand cars, no matter how well maintained. about 2 years back, when mazda was active again in the market with their mazda 3 and 6, they relaunched it here. a 2008 version with a ridiculous high price tag, the entry level price of luxury vehicles. i went to the car show to ogle and get disappointed at that price. yeah, it was now a 2.0li engine. sigh.

last quarter last year, they launched the 2010 edition, the 20th anniversary edition in sunflower yellow, at the height of my yellow obsession (when i was missing my yellow ford escape). almost perfect except for that yellow hue which i didnt particularly like. (the escape had harvest yellow which was the perfect hue.) and they upped the price again by another P200T. i looked at the copper red and felt it wasn't right either. or it was just my way of saying that i still couldnt afford it.

and to add insult to injury, mazda was all out in the ad congress last november. no price changes, no discounts offered, despite the lingering economic crisis! but they had on display the most gorgeous red color, they call it true red. and with slight grill change, it was perfect.

im lusting over the miata mx-5 again. no it's not lust. it's pure love. but unrequited love.





i love this picture. its the first version on the right, and the 20th anniversary edition on the left, both in true red. it's the best-selling sports car with almost a million units sold in its 20-year history.

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another suitcase

on my way down to davao. i love it there. that city would be my second option as base, if the opportunities were only the same as manila. its both very big and very small. its huge in land area, and lately, you would see development spreading out. but the nightlife, the places to hang out in remain quite close to each other.

davao has that mix of urbane sophistication and provincial charm they could never lose. the people are very warm and friendly, and quite pretty! a lot of eye candy down there. and they are more forgiving of manilenos who can't speak the local language.

i love the fact that the mountain and the sea are both just minutes away. but i guess i always say that. lol. during my short stint there decades back, the restaurants in the times beach area would refresh my homesick soul. i experienced going there alone and drink my beer during sunset and just cry. lol. (the only misgiving, the beach doesnt face the west so no glorious scenes there).

i've been in touch with a davaoeno i met in cebu. we'd chat or exchange sms. and even if he has a partner, he'd be very expressive about his affection. 'could you be mine?' ' sana magkasama na lang tayo.' 'punta na lang ako manila'

i texted him about this trip. and he was so excited to see me again after that first time in cebu a few months back. though i still think he is hot and attractive, i was no longer as eager to spend nights with him. call it a lingering frigidity. lol. i told him i was dating someone but id still like to say hello. he stopped replying. i suppose that he wanted to really make me into some 'other woman'. good grief. so it hurt him that i was already seeing someone?

and to think i extended a few. more hours on sunday to allot some bonding time! lol (bonding time! not fucking time!).

so its back to davao. my last trip was maybe a year and a half ago. but i remain excited to see the city i have grown to love.

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slow burn

that's the mantra of my life right now. and attached to that, the value of delayed gratification. that marshmallow experiment. i would have passed that as a child. but i grew up and that became instant gratification as part of social norm.

even for my students, i challenge them to think of their consumers, their end-users as people who want it now. they need to be on their toes as marketers. if they don't offer it that way, someone else will.

my personal life was no different. a lot of things could be had easily. admiration. sex. and i expected love to be that way. even before grindr, hook-ups could come from anywhere and everywhere. the weird thing, though. the easier it got to meeting and sexing, the more elusive 'love' became.

things that come easy have started to lose its value.

so now im seeing something that is taking a long time to develop. an agonizing pace compared to my speed previously. a few hellos first. little chit-chat. a gradual progress to longer chats and eventual telephone talks. slow slow burn.

man-crush: fantasy

sometimes, i could fantasize you so vividly i could smell you. my insides hurt just thinking about you.


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