distractions

nakakasira ng disposisyon

crotches. they are so distracting. a crotch-scratch. a fixing movement (an uncomfortable hard on?) or just a hand idly resting on it.

im having conversation in a restaurant. waiter standing on the side fixes his crotch. distraction.

im reading my book in a starbucks branch. guy across me in another table has his legs wide open, tight jeans. tight fit across the crotch. bulge revealed. distraction.

waiting in a lobby. a visitor sitting on the couch. adducting, abducting his legs (oh yeah i blogged this one) distraction.

they should these distractions. so i could concentrate.

LOL

Courtesy Photo400 How to

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SAHC: The Retreat

i finished a retreat recently, a spiritual retreat. the last time i attended one was about 10 years ago. and before that, it was in high school.

i know we had annual live-in retreats but what i remember is the one we had in our senior year. we had our retreat at an antipolo retreat house. it wasnt something i was looking forward to. i felt so uncomfortable sleeping with my classmates in dorm-type accommodations. i know i wouldnt be able to sleep with other boys snoring or being boistereous. and the concept of furtive blow jobs or even jack offs were just too alien to me. i just took comfort that my gelfriends were with me.

retreats always had someone crying or breaking down. that happens during the late evening, with some particularly dramatic spiel of the retreat master. during that activity, the retreat master was, of course, making us feel guilty about all our sinfulness. at that age, it was usually pornography and masturbation. and maybe lying and cheating. the room was dark, except for one light focused on a veiled image of the Cross. then he suddenly draws the veil, making us focus on the suffering Christ, suffering because of our evil ways. sobbing in the background.

then came the testimonies. the breast-beating. the mea culpas. the emotional breakdown. i tried to cry. but all i could muster was a yawn. it didnt hit me at all. and all i could think about was how to try to get some sleep after.

the following day was resolution and commitment-setting. the 'i promise not to jerk off anymore' among others. that comes during the long mass. me and my gelfriends were thinking of our boyfriends in the other sections to take anything seriously.

i really didnt take any of that seriously then. high school was just too much fun to take anything seriously, except my studies.

retreats and recollections are different for me now. though i still hesitate to attend, i immerse myself fully in the moment. and use the time to truly be reflective. i definitely could use the down time. i dont end up making major major resolutions and commitments. but the activity itself is enough for me to review my relationship with Him and be renewed.

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confusing realities

im not one to discriminate against people who want to be 'fb friends' (or even friendster for that matter) though i dont know them from adam. add lang ng add. gow lang ng gow.

they eventually become familiar names and profiles as they stream through my news feed.

then there is the occasional 'like' of or comment on a post or a pic i uploaded. a virtual acquaintance happens. and i would also browse their uploads, look at their pics.

let this go on for months and their faces become so familiar. so much so that when i see them in person finally, by chance (and not some hook up) the impulse is to smile and say hi!

he was one of those fb friends. i saw him at the gym and when our eyes locked, it was 'hello' immediately and a smile. small talk followed a bit. that slowly became uncomfortable when i realized i actually havent met him. and he was speaking to me as if he also knew me personally!

i had to cut short the chat to leave. i had the huge question mark in my head, trying to recall if it was him and if we were actually introduced before (senior moments?!? horrors!)

i sent him an fb message just to confirm it was him. i was sort of hesitating because i might come off as being a snobby prick. he was nice enough to acknowledge that it was him. relief.

i exist in two worlds now. (two realities?) and i can not always distinguish a friend met in one or the other.

and as i grow older, i just know things will get more discombobulating.

which is not always so bad. :-)

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10 minutes of glory

my pt (personal trainer) and i were texting:
boss, isali kita sa contest.
contest?
oo, boss, madali lang. kayang kaya mo. sony walkman mp3 player ang prize.
haha. tignan natin.

i got to the gym. he was waiting for me, waving at the sony walkman booth at the reception area.

yehey! nandiyan na ang pambato ko! (he was boasting to the other trainers) sige boss, magpalit ka na.

suddenly i was feeling preysured not unlike janna san miguel.

i did my weigh-in first after dressing up. even my nutrition counselor was egging me on. wow, sir! kaya mo yan! pero may kasalanan ka sa akin! naku ang daming buffet last week! panuorin kita!

well, there was no backing out now. my pt showed me the 'challenge': to what seemed like a deadlift to bicep curl to shoulder press movement with a 45lb dumbbell to failure. most no of reps wins.

boss, ang record 60. i looked at the list and saw about 15 names there. aside from the 60, mostly in the range of 30's- 40's.

kaya mo yan boss. malakas ang lower back at quads mo. at alam kong goal-oriented ka.

the other pt's and members start to gather around.

si idol pala yan! wow. kayang kaya ni idol yan! goes some of the pt's. (idol?)

so i started. and about a small group crowded around me, counting the reps.

30-31-32-33 i was starting to feel the fatigue.
42-43-44-45 shortness of breath. but all i could see was me (i was infront of the mirror). i had to make sure i still had the form. and i was breathing properly.
58-58-60 applause from all around. hanep. kaya pa yan! 100 reps!, shouts one of the onlookers. but i was really really tired by that time.
i did it up to 70. upon finishing, applause everywhere. i was the star. galeng mo boss! sabi ko na nga ba! kaya mo yan! goal-oriented ka!

even my pt knows me so well. challenge me. set a goal for me. and no matter how menial the task, ill go for that goal. reach that objective.

for the next minutes, i was smiling and panting, being congratulated.

until 'doc' came along. they challenged him, taunted him, pointed me to him and told them of my '70' record.

i tried to be nonchalant. we started our training. but i couldnt help but listen in as they started counting the reps for him.

65-66-67 ang bilis naman!
69-70-71 there goes my record. my personal best. shattered.

he stopped after 71, secure that he has beaten the previous record.

some guys rooting for me were sour-graping. swinging movement lang siya. di naman sila strikto sa form. oo nga. mali yung movement niya. siyempre kayang-kaya ang 70!

i was thinking along those lines too. hmmmpff. incorrect movement. but then again, it wasnt his fault. nobody corrected him. nobody bothered to monitor. i was trying to beat the monster called envy.



the dust settled. 71 is the new record to beat. as for me, i enjoyed my 10 minutes of Idol! hahaha.





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x-files, case closed.

after more than a year, i have finished watching all nine seasons of x-files. i even posted when i started watching again in 2009 i like the feeling of completing tasks (my oc-oc goal orientation). it was almost like a chore watching the series, though. definitely, there were some dud episodes. and at times, i'd doze off watching.

it took me this long to finish because im not one to do series marathons. i know of friends who can hole themselves up for half a day or more to finish a season of some series they like. i could never do that. i ended up watching x-files in the car. scully and mulder became my traffic distractions. and there would be stretches (weeks, even) when i wouldn't be watching it at all. so given all of that, i give myself a pat on the back for finishing the series.

by season 7, mulder disappeared. he was replaced by agent john doggett. then eventually, agent monica reyes also joined. they eventually became THE x-files team. scully was still around as some sort of consultant, with a personal agenda (of finding out more about her baby william). i actually started to enjoy the series again with doggett primarily (robert patrick). ill always associate him with terminator 2, as the liquid mercury robot. he brought a roughness (and skepticism) to the show. monica reyes (annabelle gish) was the mulder-type now (weird, hehe). they dimensionalized scully with the maternal angle. which, for me, sort of ruined her steely-resolve, all scientific character. she became the weepy lover, pining for a missing mulder.

that alien conspiracy theory became soooo convoluted as the seasons went on. first it was just searching for evidence of aliens, to clones, to alien viruses, to super soldiers. i just got lost. however, they all summed it up very well during the very last episode. a reunion actually for most of the important characters of the series! it was nostalgic, as all series enders go. funny how they had to make some come back as 'ghosts' or 'hallucinations' of mulder. a curtain call of sorts.

next on the agenda, x-files the movie, the bomb. hehe. i wonder how that will turn out!




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nutrition counselling. the frustration.

im on my seventh week of the program. after six weeks, i have managed to lose... tadah ... 3 lbs when i started. three freaking pounds. last week, my body fat% went down to 19.1% from 22.6%. then it went up again to 20.2% wtf? and this is me doing all that i can to stick to the diet.

i've been a very good student. i've actually lowered my average calorie intake to the 1,500 daily. and i've improved on the quality of my meals (balanced, less fat). even the nutritionist congratulated me. yet figures speak for themselves. minimal progress. and my own figure, looking at the mirror, confirms. belly fat still there, specially in the belly button and around the obliques.

ive increased my running to 3x/week, at about 15-20km per week. and of course, my training remains super regular. and i've managed to increase my poundage at certain exercises.

yet. yet. the results are disappointing. i've begun to dread fridays when i consult with her and she measures me. oh well.

in my frustration, i ended up with this buffet for dinner saturday. i indulged. i felt good then guilty. sounds familiar? LOL. if it's not sex, it's food. LOL

the oddly familiar

i walked inside the condo lobby, about to transact business with a tenant. i casually notice just one other guy on the sofa. he looked at me. i give him a once-over. not terrible looking. a few baths perhaps. looks like a good build though. he was slouching, his pelvis thrust upward, the crotch emphasized in the position.

i looked away and talked to the guard. as the guard was confirming the tenant's presence, i glance back at him. he is staring at me.

my heart started to beat faster. the oddly familiar feeling. the sixth sense of sex. all contained in a look.

i sat down across him to wait for my tenant. i try to steal a glance at him again. he looked around. he looked bored. but his lower limbs started moving. the adduction-abduction of the thighs. in the vernacular, Kuyakuy. freud would posit that as discreet masturbation. with him there was nothing discreet about it, at least to me. that movement was meant to coax an erection, without overtly rubbing his crotch.

the pulse continued to race. my mouth was quite dry. that adrenalin response. i stole a glance again, and caught him looking at me again.

yes, the familiar feeling. in another time and place, with another cc incarnation, the sequence of events would have led to one or the other sending overt signals. the 'come hither' look. or more crassly, the "follow me to some isolated place so we could exchange numbers or even fluids" look.

i stopped looking, quite ashamed of the feeling. but i had to recognize them as they are. i had to call them out. the person he was waiting for arrived. and they both left. the pulse started to decelerate. the feelings were subsiding, normalizing.

the feelings never really go away. i've learned to recognize, acknowledge, label the feelings. let them pass through me. no violent denials. just letting your self know that the feelings are there. but they don't have to control your actions. they don't have to be acted on. they don't have to define you. they eventually come to pass.


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Christ the King

this is a religious post.

i have good church days and bad church days. a bad church day means i attend the mass but half of the time, i'm actually quite sleepy. and as much as i try to focus, my mind wanders off to so many other issues and concerns. a good church day was a day like today. i remembered it was the feast of Christ the King, the end of the liturgical year.

the gospel was lifted from the crucifixion (Lk 23:35-43). i always get goose bumps (and even become teary eyed) at this part

The other, however, rebuking him, said in reply,
"Have you no fear of God,
for you are subject to the same condemnation?
And indeed, we have been condemned justly,
for the sentence we received corresponds to our crimes,
but this man has done nothing criminal."
Then he said,
"Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom."
He replied to him,
"Amen, I say to you,
today you will be with me in Paradise."

i truly feel the humility of the 'other thief'. and when Jesus promises him that they will be together in Paradise, i feel the redemption, so undeserved yet so triumphant.

good church days. i hear a conversation between Him and me. i was looking at the image in the church. in prayer, i told Him "You are my King. I am your servant. What pleases my King?"

His message: "I have tasked you to be steward of your Family, your parents. Take care, then, of them, of your company, your employees, your clients, your stakeholders. Of your Partner, of your friendships, of your students. You, I hold responsible."

Whoa. Tall Order. But in reply. "I shall do as my King pleases."

my eck-centricities 1

a series on weird stuff and habits of the cc life

that's a soap dish. that's a soap bar made from different, almost used up soap bars. i dont like throwing partially used up disposables. as much as possible, these are all thoroughly used up. its quite an effort to make them stick together like this. hahaha. but definitely so worth it. i love seeing the bar thoroughly disappear.


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Thursdays with CC: Greener Pastures

So i see that you are moving to another company? oh, thinking about it. a competitor? hmmm.

i have never seriously considered moving to a competitor. i've been offered. one went as far as i allowed it to - talks with the country manager. i was curious what kind of offer they were going to make. i was testing my 'value'. but i eventually just turned away.

as you consider the move, im sure you have a lot of factors already weighing on you. allow me to add just two:

betting on the future - i think of it as an assessment of where the current company is in the competitive landscape and a prognosis of where it will be. it's like assessing which company will be more dominant, or even survive, in the future. and that's where you'll decide to place your bets. so beyond just assessing your career future, include the company's future within the industry.

psychic income - im not talking about spirits and phantoms. your financial income is probably first in mind when deciding on the move. but sometimes, you need to also look at the 'revenues' (benefits) your 'psyche' gets. you are pretty well aware of the current company culture. you have your office friends, your boss, the people you come in contact with, the office environment. you may like to know more about the environment you are getting into, if you could. at the very least, your immediate supervisor. it would be great to know the kind of set-up they have. nuances of their culture in the way they address each other, the layout of their cubicles, their bulletin board. by the way, with facebook, it is so easy to construct a 'view' of their life.

it may sound so trivial but so many people i know have regretted decisions because they felt that they couldn't hack the culture of their new company.

there many shades of green. it's just important that you know which shade of green you really have and what you will look forward to on the other side of the fence.

during the exit interview, id usually tell people who are about to leave the same thing: give us a good fight in the marketplace. make me proud. show them that your stay with us made you a better manager. a better person.

the beauty of dusk

i was getting of the car, walking towards ELJCC Building of ABS CBN when i looked up at the building. it just amazed me how the colors made for such a beautiful scene (to my mind). this is just an iphone shot. but enough to capture what i saw.

actually, im no photographer. but there are just certain scenes that i would want to capture forever. i hope the lumix, with its portability and ease of use, will help me do just that.

SAHC: Courtship Rituals

I swear it was almost like a virus. It became sooo popular among the straight guys to have a gay classmate partner. They really treated us like girls they wanted to court. And for the life of me, i couldn't imagine that i'd actually experience being courted, wooed by straight guys.

i remember vito. he was a classmate in second year. he was quite plain looking but was sincere and sweet. he do stuff like carrying my things while chatting. i so wanted to have a bike then but alas, my dad couldnt get me one. vito was so sweet to lend me his bike for the entire summer. he biked from his house in mandaluyong to 'deliver' the bike. but before getting off, he reached from his backpocket a squooshed cheeseroll. hahaha. i can't forget how sweet that was. unfortunately, i had to tell him i wasn't into him.

then there was the captain ball of the basketball team, ric. he sent feelers through friends that he wanted to court me. haha. as gorgeous as he was, i just found him too kenkoy, too much of a comic, not to be taken seriously. once he sat beside me during a general assembly in the basketball grounds. he stole a kiss. i was so pissed off i left. stupid me.

one who really pursued was gardo. he was the class toughie. tall, gang leader type. not attractive but actually well liked and very generous. he pursued a friend first but he was bluntly busted. my friend was still having his crisis. hehe. so he started courting me. and it was with him i really, really felt special.

he asked me out on dates. we even went out on a double date with nandy and his boyfriend. we went to watch angela boffill in her concert here in manila! LOL. that was quite an experience for a high school fag like me! it felt so grown-up watching concerts, going out on dates.

during class he'd send me small love notes. and sometimes chocolates. the works. but i was still not into him. though we actually had lots of fun as one big group. but i just had to be honest. he ended up with another friend, ill call him vinnie, a few months after. and throughout high school, we all felt that vinnie was in denial. but i must say that vinnie made up for it by showing us their 'hand-holding' during the graduation ceremony! SAY!

i always felt that all the courting and dating was a sort of fluke. i never knew of high school gay relationships that were THAT rampant as ours. and it wasn't even as if i was even attractive to these straight guys. it was all just part of their growing up, of trying out courting skills with us before going for the real thing - the girls.

i didnt mind at all. id always look back with a smile at the thought that i know how it feels like to be a girl... (cue in Madonna...)

the Trevor Fabcast 3

eto pala ang ending...

Download this episode (right click and save)






Music credits:
"Getting Better" by The Beatles
"Everything's Gonna Be Alright" by Sweetbox

soul-full

consulted with my therapist @mcvie :-) last night, over chocolate, coffee and coke zero.

he was so nice to offer some free time to chat, analyze, dissect cc at his emo moment. aside from the therapy session, i was eager to see him and just have a nice catch-up conversation, between two seahorses born weeks apart (pisces-horse zodiac signs).

why are you so bothered by comments from your readers? why dont you just zap those you don't agree with?

talking to @mcvie made me explore the answers in so many levels.

people-pleaser. perhaps partly an inborn trait. both my parents are very sociable. popular. and i was a natural, putting people at ease, being friendly and approachable. i liked seeing people smile and agree with me.

and also, it comes with being in marketing half of my life, a predisposition to think of the 'consumer', 'end-user'. a skill critical to my career.

affirmation-seeking. no surprise for a middle child. fighting for attention and affirmation with five siblings.

beyond that, the blog has become another source of affirmation with the raiders' comments as evidence. since day one of the blog, i looked forward to the comments, the contributions of the raiders eagerly. reinforced by positive comments, i become mindful of what raiders will comment, thinking that each and every raider is so precious because they even bothered to read and comment. i have then started to be bothered by nega comments, comments that may mean i have displeased the very few who have even taken time off to follow the blog.

that thinking also led me to aspire to be a better writer, aware that i dont even deserve the title 'writer'. i read with envy some of those well-written blogs, cited by others for their prose and poetry. a carry-over of my competitiveness, i also sought that recognition, even though at the back of my mind i knew it was a pipe dream.

all of these thoughts have led me to stray from the primary purpose of my blogging - to express my self, share my thoughts.

@mcvie knocked sense into my head. he reminded me of that blog soul (and the power of comments moderation). even as i truly appreciate raiders and their comments, i should not be held hostage by them. and though a public journal puts me in this predicament of receiving both positive and negative comments, i must be of a better disposition to appreciate either. yet not to be so affected either way as to change my style and my purpose.

ultimately, i write to record my thoughts and express myself, and to communicate sometimes even just to me. so even if i have just one raider, i would continue to churn out these entries, because i am already made a better person just by writing them.

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soul search

my shitty afternoon yesterday was exacerbated by a blog post that elicited some surprising reactions. a raider, just moments after posting, was turned off by the self-aggrandizement he perceived. i wanted to delete the damn post. instead, i made his comment a separate post altogether and justified my post. i received two comments: one was positive. the other was wholehearted agreement to the first comment. and this was happening while i was trying to de-stress from the work that had piled up in front of me. an impulse decision. i deleted both posts. i didnt want the additional negativity coming from blogging to add to my already stressed-out real life. then i regretted doing it, after reading a comment from another blogger and an email from a dear fellowfab.

sheesh. what is it with me? when did blogging turn out to be so stressful? arrggh. why did i become so wishy-washy? on one hand, this blog, this personal blog was supposed to be my outlet, my expression of "me". and it shouldnt be wrong or right. it could only be agreeable or not to a raider. yet on the other hand, im able to sustain this blog because of raiders, because of people who generally agree and like the blog. so their comments matter. on top of that, i am such a people-pleaser. im all harmony and nice stuff. negativity? i have much of that in the workplace. dont need more of that here.

im back to asking, why do i blog in the first place? or even deeper, what is the essence of this blog? its soul?

with so many things going on in my life right now, i cant see to process. i dont have answers.



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The Trevor Fabcast 2

the conclusion. the feel-good, all-is-well conclusion.
there is hope. there is always hope.
it gets better.

Download this Fabcast (right click and save)






Music credits:
"Stronger" by Britney Speans
"Wonderful Life" by Hurts

gimme your porn

well, im not exactly asking for porn itself. hehe

i havent been much of a porn watcher lately. kinda lost interest. but im just suddenly curious, what are the best gay porn movies for you, raiders? id like to know what ive been missing out on.

top three gay porn movies/videos and why you like them...

come on. tell me.

i want. i have. :-)

pc is such a gadget geek. he helped me, cajoled me, persuaded me to get the Panasonic Lumix LX5, the latest incarnation of the famer LX3. the last time i bought a camera was 6yrs ago. my Canon Powershot G3 served me so well. it was my trusted companion to europe, asia, u.s. but it was quite bulky and cumbersome to log around.


it's up for sale. ive tried to post it at sulit.com, again, thanks to pc's wisdom. though i have not checked on any comments on the post.

and through sulit.com, i found vendors of the brand new lumix lx5. i have to admit i was quite apprehensive about transacting with only a mobile no. pc helped me filter through the vendors using warranty offers, disclosure arrangements as filters.

he chose for me this one vendor. and i barraged her/him with messages asking about prices, accessories, etc. then we finally agreed on a meet-up time and place.

it felt like a grindr hook up. lol. "ako po yung nasa may wall na naka blue". and when i saw him, hmm, he was actually a very cute young chinese guy! even pc says so. so it was a pleasant transaction, all thanks to sulit.com. welcome to the digital marketplace!



i wont speak with finality. i have yet to finish my 7-day full replacement warranty. but so far, the camera is working perfectly, with all the camwhoring we've been doing.

and ending on a great note, a site voted the lumix lx5camera of the year!

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Oh Christmas Tree

after a very long time, im celebrating christmas THIS early. im feeling it so much. the decor is finally done! the theme is silver & glass. simple, really. i got those great glass icicles from sm our home. and just wrap-around of a string of silver pearls. the dinner table setting is a vase filled with different-sized silver christmas balls. and on the coffee table is an aluminum plate with different-sized white candles, with silver pearls all around. the roof deck is decked with icicle curtain lights all around.

it's christmas in my home.


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The Trevor Fabcast 1

i virtually insisted on doing this fabcast. hehe. i've been watching the viral phenomenon of the Trevor Project online. (which i hope you guys are aware of. if you are not, id like to know which rock you've been hiding under. hehe) and it resonated. you'll find out why if you listen.

Download this Fabcast (right click and save)







music credits:

"Hey Jay" Eraserheads

speaking of underwear

finally found CK's i like. my peculiar, un-model body proportions dictate specific undies requirements: low rise (short torso), snug crotch fit (... never mind). CK used to always have those briefs with 'generous allowances' in the crotch area. so generous for me. lol. and their hip briefs always seemed to fit like regular-rise briefs. so the price could never justify the value for me. until now.


perfect. "athletic fit" in the crotch area. low rise at the right height. brings out my butt (or what is left of it. lol). it's nylon-based (not cotton) so it might not work for a lot of other guys.

but i love it.

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omg, a nomination

I would like to thank the Academy... (sniff, sniff)... for this... oh my God... this nomination. I mean... just to be nominated... to be among this prestigious list of ... oh my... (tears) ... thank you, thank you! i feel like i've won...

i received an email supposedly from the Phil Blog Awards last Oct 20. unfortunately, i just saw it yesterday because yahoo mail filed it under 'spam'. i was tickled pink (quoting @mcvie) with the nomination. and i had to respond, either accepting or rejecting the nomination. i hesitated accepting it. how can i remain anonymous if i needed to declare in that form contact details (as in real name?)? i consulted @mcvie. he told me theoretically, i could remain anonymous by using a monicker instead. and sending a proxy to receive the award (receive the award!?!? wishful thinking!) and upon consulting PC about it, i decided to accept the nomination, using a pseudonym.

i waited for a confirmation email. im still waiting.

now im realizing that it might have been a hoax. LOL. it was fun while it lasted. truly incredulous, the more i think about it. i love my blog but i know what it aint. there are just too many great well-written blogs out there. more deserving.

i feel like a winner just knowing you guys read the blog!

(applause! applause! *bows*)

the Godfather

i never watched this before. intimidated that it might be too... masculine? i remember tom hanks forever quoting don corleone in one of his movies (was it you've got mail?) that sort of reinforced my idea that this is a man's movie.

but nevertheless, i dont think i should go through life not watching it. and when i saw the blu ray 'coppola restoration' compilation, well, it seemed like a very good deal.

after watching Godfather I, wow, i realized what a powerful movie it was. i could understand the testosterone attraction. it is about power, pure and simple. i am amazed at michael corleone's (al pacino) transformation. so real. so tangible. and truly, marlon brando's range of emotions trapped within his don facade deserved that oscar. i can understand how these people become alpha male role models for men.

and beyond that, al pacino is simply gorgeous here. without having to take his shirt off.

the blu ray copy is masterfully done. the audio is even high definition.

bravo. looking forward to II and III.