thursdays with cc: interview with a vamp

the vamp is me. lol

a tweeter friend recently asked to interview me for his psych class. my understanding: interview a middle-aged person supposedly in the psychosocial stage of generativity vs stagnation:

at first i didnt know if i should be flattered, as i remembered this stage to be for senior citizens. but as shown above, it starts from age 25. so even pc is already in this stage. hehe

Stage 7: Generativity vs Stagnation 25-64

-if you have a strong sense of creativity, success, and of having "made a mark" you develop generativity, and are concerned with the next generation; the virtue is called care, and represents connection to generations to come, and a love given without expectations of a specific return

-adults that do not feel this develop a sense of stagnation, are self-absorbed, feel little connection to others, and generally offer little to society; too much stagnation can lead to rejectivity and a failure to feel any sense of meaning (the unresolved mid-life crises), and too much generativity leads to overextension (someone who has no time for themselves because they are so busy)

reference: http://www.psychpage.com/learning/library/person/erikson.html

the interview was comprehensive: physical, emotional changes ive undergone. my childhood as context. my perceptions of aging. i was very spontaneous, answering off the cuff as he fired away his questions. but now that im here at home, ive had the chance to ponder on some questions and thought of expanding, or clarifying my answers. so here are my shamcey supsup answers.

was there a time you wanted to go back to your youth?

i initially answered no. i dont recall wishing i was back in an earlier time of my life. and i still believe that. life just keeps on getting better, despite some obvious limitations that age presents. physically, the crows feet around my eyes are noticeable. and i cannot lift the same weights as i used to. which means i cannot increase my muscle mass anymore. but im at my leanest form in my adult life, ever. and i still feel attractive. actually, maybe even more attractive. so i dont look at the mirror now and wish i had a younger face or body. i just keep on accomplishing more and more. i continue to be challenged. and i want to deliver every time. and i can never trade the wisdom i have gained through all these years for youthful exuberance.

any advice to young people about aging?

don't fear it. embrace it as a part of yourself. even as you glory in your youth, know that everything changes. and to hang on to such things will only bring despair. i've never lied about my age. maybe because i feel accomplished. but also because i really value wisdom. this was the only thing i asked for from Him, as i took on bigger responsibilities in my career. i asked for wisdom to manage my company and my own affairs right. and i know that only growing up and growing old would bring me that.

i hold senior citizen's in high regard because of this. years of living have taught them valuable lessons books can never impart. you can be an intelligent, learned youth but wisdom will come with age.

how are you expressing your 'generativity'? how are you 'taking care' or 'looking out for the next generation'?

it definitely didn't happen that i consciously planned to be mindful of the next generation. i believe that opportunities arise with improving financial standing. and it always starts with family. my definition of family also started to expand to include people under my direct employ. the idea of giving, of taking care of these people just happened. and honestly, i dont feel i should even be applauded. it really is just part of the job.

be open to opportunities be generous and giving. know that when they do arise, you will be ready, even if you think you are not. wasn't it the widow in the temple who have from the little that she had but was more justified? im so far from that ideal.

and it's not all about money. time and effort, they mean a lot to people to. i was touched when interviewer mentioned that blogging and fabcasting constitute other ways i 'care' for the next generation. i guess these are. and again, i am not to be congratulated. im just doing my job. and you will, too, when the time comes.

thank you, interviewer/tweeter friend, for the opportunity to share. i learned as much from this as, even perhaps more, than you.

mad men marathon

the advertising industry is very close to my heart. i started my career in the corporate world in advertising. that was fun but stressful. i was at the bottom of the food chain as an hapless advertising account executive. dakilang utusan ng kliyente. and terrorized by everyone, including (or especially) creative people! LOL but i was proud as an account executive. i started honing my relationship-building skills while attending to the needs of demanding clients. by doing a.e. work, i got my o.j.t. in marketing. and the best part was when my most demanding client, the big big boss of marketing of the bank even sent me a cake with a note of thanks for 'taking care of the account'. i posted that on the bulletin board!

i just finished season 1 of mad men. and im thinking, what took me four seasons to start watching the series? true confession: i thought initially it was some tv adaptation of mad max (stupid, right? lol) then of course, i went through a phase of hardly watching any series. and when i finally came around to watching again (primarily due to pc's influence), i prioritized other series like glee, desperate housewives, modern family. lately, its been game of thrones, walking dead. pc actually downloaded mad men previously and we set out to watch the pilot episode. but we got carried away with other things. *wink*

so after another series of awards for the show (and my fascination with 60's fashion), i finally decided to watch the darn series. and i must say, im hooked now. im appreciating each and every nuance of the well-produced episodes. the story did get a little incredulous with its twists, but hey, they needed to inject a character plot somewhere, right?

as always, the production values just astound me. the attention to detail to recreate 60's america. and im noticing the suits of uber-dilf donald draper. what a classic profile this guy has. yan ang gwapo!



*wipes drool* i wish i had that savvy. and that hairline. too bad i can never wear my hair that way. too thick and wavy. lol.

i love the way the series looks transitional. america was changing during that period. and what better way to show the evolution than through the eyes of advertising!

im done with season 1, in just three days (made use of travelling time during seoul trip to watch). i hope i could finish seasons 2 & 3 soon.

face to face with csw's

commercial sex workers or csw's - the term i use in class when i discuss the case on hiv/aids. it sounds so clinical and sanitized.

im no stranger to them. ive been a patron. but during this fabcast, a frank discussion with two of them still has me uneasy. i guess it's context. my talks with csw's have been in the context of before or after services rendered. so there is that private, even intimate moment between him and me. and there is, i perceive, gut-level communication.

discussing at an analytical level commercial sex work, in a round table discussion is an altogether different ballgame! even as i admire their courage to speak about their work (esp boy shiatsu), i was actually uncomfortable for them during the fabcast.

there was a raw moment. and it served to reinforce my discomfort over this. but just as quickly, the fabcasters and peanut gallery pick up with wit and humor!

so listen in. it may be an eye opener for some. (it even was for me)

at the very least, enjoy the banter!

Music credits:

"Left To My Own Devices" by the Pet Shop Boys
"The Sodom And Gomorrah Show" by the Pet Shop Boys
"Suffer The Children" by Tears For Fears

Download this fabcast (right click and save)


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victim mode?

it just dawned on me that ive been harrassed a couple of times in my life.   but i'm not too sure if harrass is the right word.  to be more accurate, people had wanted to have sex with me against my will. 

first was my professor in Spanish.  (i know ive posted this before. but bear with me for telling the story again).  this was when i didnt feelparticularly attractive.  awkward years, kung baga.  and this famously swishy professor was noted for his predilection for the gorgeous and hunky college studs.  so i was not, in anyway, thinking id even be remotely his type.  besides, my gameplan was to be a fag friend to him, to get me on his good side and get that 1.0 everybody seemed to get so easily in his class.

so it came as a swurprise to me when he was forcing me to have sex with him one afternoon during finals week.  we were literally in a struggle as he tried to open my zipper and get me to lie down on his couch.  siguro sobrang katigangan niya nun. i narrowly escaped, made for the door and dashed out to the corridors of the faculty center.  he gave me an incomplete.  a wonderful way of saying that ill soon be back in his room for consumation!

the next incident happened in davao.  i was checked in at this hotel.  and in the hotel corridor, i passed this guy also giving me the eye.  it was the classic pick up dance.  i got a room to room call in minutes, and in my room after a few more.  i suddenly had a change of heart and wasnt interested in sex anymore. (a pang of guilt since i was still in a relationship then) so i tried to weasel my way out of it.  but i guess the guy was so worked up.  he pushed me to the wall, and just pulled my boxers down to start giving me head.  i was pulling him up even as his mouth was desperately getting me hard.  i managed to yank him off me.  and only then did he get the hint.  he left the room immediately.

another time this happened was with this client.  i found him ruggedly attractive, dark-skinned witn a nice build.  and i was sensing that he swung both ways, though he has wife, mistress, and kids all over. excess libido?  we went out, which is customary for my industry.  did some drinking.  then he told me that it was too late for him to go home and wanted to crash in my pad for the night.  well, i had a sofabed outside as an extra so i brought him home.  as i made him feel comfortable on the sofabed, i went to the room to sleep.  but he came into my room anyway.  and tried to kiss me on my lips and on my neck.  i pushed him away.  i told him i couldn't because he was a client.  rejected, he went back to the sofabed.  he didnt talk to me much the morning after.

then there was this pwart time therapist referred to me by my friend.  he had given me home massage services a couple of times, with absolutely no extras.  but i also noted how his hand would delicately avoid my crotch.  i knew he was gay though he didnt look it.  and i was sensing his attraction to me with the way he remark about my body or my smile or my eyes.  during one session, as i was lying on my back with my eyes closed, i felt him on top of me and starting to lick my nipples. i actually allowed him to linger since it felt good. but when he swallowed my dick, i pulled him up, awakened to reality. he was startled by my reaction and immediately got off me. he apologized profusely and left abruptly.

i dont feel victimized. i just know i didnt want to have sex with them. im wondering if they actually thought i wanted sex (except for davao guy). did i lead them on? id like to think i didnt. but im guessing i have this vibe that tells them i wont say no. my friend tells me i have this helpless look, especially when people just grab my chest. i allow them to. im thinking that they are just admiring (or checking for silicone) and no harm can come of it. maybe there is some harm somewhere, especially if the person turns out to be aggressive.

acceptable exhibitionism

fellowfab lobster tony is one of the blessed ones. he always get front row access to the gayest parteh in town (disguising as ladies' night), the Cosmo Bash. and being such a nice fellowfab, he shared his abs-in-your-face experience with us mere mortals by posting these lovely, lovely videos. check out his site for more.

yes, the videos sent me salivating. and again, becoming envious of such mahvelous physique on display.

display is what they did. you could see how each and every one of those cosmo bachelors worked the crowd. and were being worked by the crowd. they were clearly in da zone when it comes to performance! im imagining that for some of these straight guys, there must have been some hesitation to disrobe. but showbusiness attracts the exhibitionists. those who ultimately marched down that ramp must have been turned on with the adulation.

so as i watch the video, a thought pops in my head: they are like 'circus animals', trained to entertain and wow the audience. and the ooohs and ahhhs, the screams, the hoots all serve to reinforce the exhibitionistic tendencies.

and i thought to myself that that is not different from all the fb profiles with torso pics, and their 4000+ fb friends. posting a sexy shot out there and getting such nice compliments and comments really feels goooood.

and i finally i realized, im no different from them either. :-(

an excuse to show hot gay sex?

the movie, the brother V the reunion, is.

i dont even know how i got hold of this dvd. i uploaded it to my ipad last year and never got around to finishing it. until my last flight. and i was SHOCKED to see so much homoerotica! and the HOT lead stars were the ones getting it on! i suddenly had to cover my ipad as i watched! (nahiya ako sa katabi ko!)

but see for yourself. im sure you'd have thought twice if that was a sean cody film you accidentally loaded!

people you may know in fb

ive tried to turn this feature off. because it is simply so distracting.

if you can't beat 'em... i end up stalking them. lol. all these photos came from fb profiles suggested to me. torso shots all over. if somehow you see you pic here, hey, you've caught my attention. and you might like to rethink your privacy settings. it was so easy to pick these pics up for uploading.

bakit mo ako ginawang bakla

in this advanced age of mine, i have come to accept and embrace my homosexuality, my sexual and romantic attraction towards men.

a young friend was unwittingly brought out of the family closet by his parents. and though he is a very strong, resolute young man, you could see the pain in his eyes as he recalled the confrontation. i know that there is fear of an uncertain future where his family is concerned.

i feel for him deeply.

i recall my own crisis. i recall how i questioned His will. how, on earth could He have made me this way, if only to suffer? why would He choose this life for me? this abominable lust for other men! why couldn't He have made me straight? Yes, i couldn't help but blame Him for being gay. I would never have chosen this, knowing the ostracism, the anguish, the possible shutout by my family, society, by the church.

that was how i used to think.

until i found myself accepted by my family, loved by my friends. more so now, i know that this is not a curse. im gay. and it's a blessing. i don't know how i could have accomplished all that i had in my education, in my career if i were straight. i know some eyebrows remain raised by this lifestyle choice of mine. but i exist not for them. but for those whom i love and serve.

i am reminded of just how wise He is by today's readings. and how puny our little minds work:

for my thoughts are not your thoughts... as high as the heavens are above the earth, so high are ... my thoughts above your thoughts...

with my infantile logic and reason then, i was so ready to declare war on Him! i was so angry because i couldn't figure out why he made me gay.

i look back at all of it now and i am humbled. i couldn't have known what He had planned for me. and how it all makes sense, with an elegant wisdom only He possesses.

i always find comfort in His words. what my head could not figure out, my faith resolves for me.

i just have to trust Him. believe in Him. have faith in Him.

c on c 2

wow. its so nice to read comments from raiders i havent heard from in a while.

rudeboy. which is why need feedback to validate our self-perceptions. but even in the face of honest feedback, we can delude ourselves into thinking otherwise. but accdg to anthony de mello, sj - waking up happens in an instant. but opening one's eyes can take a lifetime. so i guess im really taking long to open my eyes. :-) who is the girl staring back at me... :-)

ronron. go for it. go for buff. give it everything you got. yesterday at the bar here in cebu, my friend's ex showed me his bare torso pics. Darn! hot. i rationalize - he is only 32yo. and can still achieve it. bitter much. hehe

mac callister. yup. lahat naman tatanda. may mauuna lang kaysa iba. LOL

lobster. haha. no apologies needed! you were reacting to my emo post on the slow progress of my workouts. bitchesa much. hahaha. you have amassed yourself quite a headful of feathers, then!

d. love it the way you are catching up. you are making me reminisce about the recent past - moony and enigma. moony still cuts my hair. and remains sweet. enigma, i just get updates through fb. i think there's still some nega vibes there. :-(

ginn. the buffet is still available! indulge!


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slow awakening

my personal trainer was whispering to me during our last workout: boss, ang daming nagtatanong kung ilan taon ka na raw. ganda raw ng katawan mo. sabi nila, gusto nila pag kasing edad ka na nila, ganyan rin daw ang katawan nila. pak!

so im kinda feeling insulted rather then complimented, as his intention was. and its not as if im denying my age. i dont bother to hide that. but i always thought that i didnt look the part. that i was probably looking much younger.

and that self-perception (delusion?) runs much deeper. i contrast myself with fellowfab & age-range mcvie who recently posted something about age and accepting himself and his body as it is. there is some resignation, perhaps, in the tone. but it is really more of acceptance and even joy in the realization.

even a cousin of mine feels the same way. a few years older than me, we used to be both concerned about weight and flab. and he would miraculously transform his body thru sheer discipline. last may, i saw him and he has gotten back to his 'fuller' self. and it's the same thing, same attitude. he'd rather enjoy life and food. and just eat healthily. besides, he reasons, being thin at our age makes our faces sag.

at this point, i dont feel the same way as they do. i still workout. i still diet. i still muster the discipline. because i still can. it's just so much part of my system. however, on the other side, i still that have that attitude that i am at the same level as guys a decade or more younger than me. feeling ko, kaya ko pang makipagsabayan sa kanila. weird no?

slowly, however, i think i'm waking up to the reality. i cannot bring back the bench presses and squats and deadlift weights i used to carry. trying brings me injury, ive realized. even at my best 17% bodyfat, i had the flat tire around my midsection. even as the veins of my arms, chest, the striations on my muscles are already coming out. fellowfab tony tells me that surgical intervention is required at my age.

or just self-acceptance. that this is as good as it gets. and that maybe, it aint so bad.


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the galaxy tablet 10.1

im missing my tablet. yes, it's at the service center. pc saw this 'oil slick' looking stain on the surface, below it actually. and it seems like there's a batch of the tablets that had the same problem. since it is still under warranty, pc brought it to the service center for repair (he didn't want a replacement. he was thinking that they might get from the same defective batch).

it isn't so noticeable, actually. but for oc-oc pc, nothing is unnoticeable. it's so cute the way he obsesses over these things. his gadgets have to be perfect. and he is making sure mine are, too.

i hesitated writing it, fearing the 'i-told-you-so's' that i'd be getting for switching over to the 'other side'. but honestly, i would have lived with that oil slick. i didnt notice it until it was pointed out to me. and when im using it, it is virtually invisible. so for me, the tablet is still a good buy.

why?
1. it's really fast. downloads of web pages are amazing. the best part is watching youtube. i had to wait forever for youtube videos to play on the ipad. not here.
2. i have no video streaming problems (through flash. though flash and apple seemed to have patched up their differences?)
3. i love that it has a usb attachment accessory. i have effortlessly transferred movies from usb to the tablet.
4. and speaking of movies, it will play almost all types. mpg. avi. div-x. whatever alphabet. lol. whenever i watched movies on the ipad, i had to search for the mp4 version, or have it converted. what a hassle.
5. i can download torrent files directly. YES. directly. imagine the convenience of that. and since it isnt picky about movie file types, i can instantly play what i downloaded.
6. i love the accessory that allows me to attach an hdmi cable to it. voila, i can surf, email, chat using my LED 42" screen. from 10.1" to 42" amazing.
7. i can control my samsung devices (tv & bluray) from the tablet, like a remote, even without the cable. with a wifi connection (and a dongle on the tv), im instantly connected.
8. there seems to be more free apps here integrating social networks (fb, tweeter, foursquare all in one interface)
9. the complete browser experience allows me to easily, very easily upload pics, change my profile pic unlike the ipad. (which is the reason why i havent changed my fb profile pic in a while!)

downside
1. the touchscreen keyboard is less responsive.
2. the task bar on the bottom of the screen, below the spacebar of the keyboard is annoying. i touch it sometimes unwittingly.
3. few apps have been made. the android app store doesnt distinguish between honeycomb & gingerbread (or using mac lingo, no separation of ipad & iphone apps).

but benefits do outweigh the downside. because my use of a tablet is primarily for surfing and social media. im not an apps kind of guy. i dont even play angry birds, for crying out loud. so no big loss for me if apps are limited.

samsung service center said that it was ready for pick-up. i hope they fixed it well. so i can enjoy all the benefits. finally.


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c on c: cc's comments on comments

im not able to comment on your very nice comments because of time limitations and, more importantly, limitations of the iPad app i use. the app focuses on posts, not on writing and moderating comments. henceforth, i will react, reply, respond to your comments as a post. smart, no? hihihi

new reader D. thanks for enjoying the blog! and recommending! and back-reading, too! that's four years of crazy posts you'll need to catch up on. haha. its comforting to know you like DILFs. comforting, daw oh? haha (feeling DILF ako! yikes) hope to hear from you more! and about the career shift. im guessing you are young still. follow your heart. and if you are not so afraid to start from the bottom (since you feel your current skills are not matched), id say go for it. when you love what you do, the pay will follow!

jphotmess. ill keep on coming. Lol. that didnt come out right. i truly love that song of lola karen (sumalangit nawa). kurot sa puso, i call it.

ronronturon. what a cute handle! my archives stories are old stuff, ha? im just reposting because i actually deleted them before. so no feelings developing at all! lol postscript. i never heard from him since he left that job where i used to see him. and im better off that way! and send love to your brother. one can never tire of saying i love you.

the greenbeaker. the relationships with our siblings will mature as we mature ourselves. we will look back at all the bickerings and arguments and laugh at how trivial and petty we were before. and about that torso pic, you got me looking for a recent pic of a bare-chested cc. Lol.

pepe. do share your story. thanks for that sweet comment. :-) and you will be the sweet, caring uncle to your pamangkins. i feel guilty im not always there for them. hope you could be.

gelo. hey nice to hear from you. never thought you read the blog! yeah, i remember chatting over at grindr. i wish you and your grindr romance well!

anonymous reader on mba. a lot of good mba schools around. (notice the hesitation to name schools. hehe) location might be an important consideration, since these are pretty spread out. i'd really recommend an mba for people who want to go further up the ladder (and even for those thinking of shifting careers! listen up, D!)

thanks for reading, raiders!

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brothers in arms

i have just one brother, seven years my junior. before him, i was bunso. i was king. then he arrived, all fair compared to my ulikba complexion. we didnt even look remotely alike. he looked like so chinese. and people were fawning over him. while i was the pinoy na pinoy - tanned malay skin with big eyes.

he was really an adorable baby. and i enjoyed playing with him until he got to the 'terrible twos' phase. that's when i realized i wasn't bunso (youngest) anymore. and he was getting the attention and the toys. i resented that. but i couldn't do anything about it. and pretty soon, i was entering puberty. and i had more important things to take care of (boys).

by that time, he became the pesky kid who would always pester all of us older than him. he turned out to be quite an artist, too. an illustrator. so he would busy himself drawing and drawing. then he'd follow us around, trying to insert himself in our conversations. poor kid. we'd shoo him away.

i guess he started feeling that rejection. and when he was looking for a kuya to look up to, i wasn't there anymore. (i was pre-occupied with being ate!) and as he entered puberty, he became more of a loner, more of an artist.

then we all grew up. he got married and started a family. he continued to struggle with his career. and when he was compared to his kuya cc, he felt inferior.

all that pent up resentment came out on the eve of my birthday a few years back. his wife picked a fight with me over household stuff. and he quickly joined in and sided with her. one huge, hurtful fight. awful things he said. and he wrote. never mind that it was my birthday the following day. yes, those words cut deep within me.

but in time, we patched things up. when they migrated to new zealand, i made sure that i would be able to help them financially.

they continue to struggle down there. and he has been under a lot of stress lately. his two growing boys are so dear to me. and sometimes, when i hear his eldest talk to me, yearning to come back to manila, i just well up.

despite all the differences growing up, we are closer than ever. he is my only brother. and even if he tells me how much he envies my success, i always tell him that his crowning glory is his family - his wife and two handsome sons. that is something i will never have. and all he has to do is take care of them and make sure they are raised properly.

love evens things out between us.


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cc archives: Cute Manga (March 21, 2007)

No I am not referring to a Japanese animated character. I mean Manga-gamit.
Met him at an island-type retail outlet in qc. He had a great smile when he noticed me staring.

And because it wasn't a very busy day for him, he found a way to sneak out and meet up with me. a quick handshake thereafter and, of course, the cell phone number.

i felt lucky! and I assumed he was one of us, with that kind of response. we texted immediately after and ASUS! he was already asking whether i'd like him to be my boyfriend! heller! that wasnt what i was after. and i was honest about it.

we remained 'friends'/text mates. i would pass by his 'stall' and sometimes would invite him for coffee.

this is the funny part - we go to starbucks and he doesnt mind ordering the most expensive coffee item, grande! sometimes he would text me asking me to enroll him at fitness first. and there's the occasional pasaload. GOSH. i didnt even know how to do that till this time. lately, we had lunch (my treat, of course) and he asked for take out - crispy pata pa! the clincher: the guy's getting married next month and yet he still asks me if i might want to reconsider him as a boyfriend!

thick, really thick. but you know what, i am not turned off at all. i find it quite amusing, wondering where this will all go. again, a reminder, we've never even had sex. would we ever? do i still find him attractive? oh yes i do. he really is a cutie, nice bod. not too tall though.

other things on my mind. i never thought it would happen to me - become sugar daddy. hahaha.

Posted by closet case at 8:01 PM



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missing blogging

waaaahhh. miss posting. miss reacting to comments. so sorry i havent been able to. its a crazy month. too many things happening at work. then school will start soon. sorry sorry sorry.


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To Friends and Our Friendship

I think Ill declare 9-11 day of friendship. well, my day of friendship. two great friends are celebrating their birthdays. yesterday was the birthday of another friend who passed away a day earlier. 9-11 has made me think of these special people.

tetchie is my classmate from grade school. he is a recurring figure in the cc SAHC series, having been part of my life since then. tetchie is intelligent, quick-witted, simply brilliant. in grade school, he (and I) were overshadowed by our even more intelligent classmates for the honors. but when those ones left, it became just tetchie and me, primarily. so i considered him some kind of rival.

yet we were best friends, part of a group. though i remained competitive, tetchie just wasn't. yeah, he was concerned about his grades, but never because he wanted to be at the top. he just wanted good grades. he pursued the physical sciences in college, excelling in that. but eventually, it was a career in IT that gave him the food on the table. and the chance to travel. he is based abroad now, living with his partner of many years.

and if before, my feelings for him had been tinged with envy (he was at the top of the class), all of that just dissipated because i finally realized what a fool I've been thinking of him as a rival. he always had such a pure heart. and he offered me nothing but sincere friendship.

i love it that he lives so modestly, despite a great capacity to live in luxury. not frugal. just modest and focused.

he is one person i could never be dishonest to, especially when asked about uncomfortable questions. he will look at me straight in the eye, with his bright beautiful eyes and wait for an answer, without judgement nor expectation. and i can only be honest and real.

i will always look up to him as a person better than me. and i am just grateful he considers me his friend.

miggs, dear miggs, fellowfabcaster is the another person i can never lie to. this guy just sees right through me.

i am so proud to say that he is my friend, my friend from way back before miggs was miggs. when he was just another intelligent, fierce classmate in business school. i wish i could tell you some great big thing about miggs no one knows about. but i can't. because with miggs, well, what you see is what you get. that guy has presence. and on day 1 of our class, he made us feel that presence. he was one of the youngest in class, and easily the most assertive. we knew he was bright and articulate and outspoken. and in hindsight did i know that during that time, he was also transitioning in his gay identity.

we became part of an inner circle, and inadvertently, i became closer and closer to him. i was resisting. i didn't want to out myself. but they gave me a safe haven to be myself. and i think miggs wanted me to be out to him. so he gave me cues. and eventually i did. and i never regretted.

that was almost 10 years ago. and now he is miggs, the blogger, the organizer, the mover. his career may be in flux now but never his ideals. and i think his heart has found a home in his advocacy. i have seen miggs on fire but i watch him now, and i see a conflagration. any cause would be blessed with his unique gift to organize and persuade and influence. for now, it will be the love yourself project. he is a systems guy. and i see him helping out by putting systems of sustainability into the project. so even if he moves on, the project will move and grow.

another fellowfab, aj, celebrated his birthday yesterday. but the day before that, he fell into eternal sleep. many things have been said about aj. because his life, short as it may have been, was colorful and loud. yes, loud and proud. i only met him when about 2 years ago, when he became part of the fabcasters. i remember seeing pictures of him before that. (was it through friendster?) and i found him gwapo in those photos. then, i finally met him in my condo when we did the tenchu fabcast. he was generally quiet. but when he spoke, he was fearless. we were all laughing at the way he bitchily commented on the topic at hand. and his queen bitch status was cemented in my mind.

sadly, we didn't have as much time to bond. his schedules early on were quite tight. and he couldn't join the fabcasts as much. a confession now: you know aj, during those times, i felt disappointed that you weren't putting in as much time and effort in being a 'fabcaster'. then when i realized the reason for your absences was your failing health, i felt so ashamed of my feelings. I'm so sorry.

pc knew aj much longer than i knew him. and because of that special friendship with pc, i knew that i wanted to become closer to aj. if before i found him too bitchy and intimidating, i now saw him as simply special. too bad that was when he became more sickly. and our bonding moments were confined (pun intended) to the hospital.

i admire aj. he never let his health get in the way of being fabulous and proud. he was a fighter. and though he knew it was a day-to-day struggle, he never showed it. he was dignified until the end. and when i saw him lying in peace, with that muffler around his neck, i knew he was finally resting. he actually won the fight.

they are just three of the people who have touched my life. one of them has ended his stay here. a bit too soon. i will have to continue cherishing the ones i have here. and telling them that i love them.

at another time

pc is such an old soul. if he had his way, he would have preferred living in the Victorian era. his first gift to me was a dvd copy of 'age of innocence'. he glories in the splendor of that time - the castles, the chariots, the gowns and coattails, the. music.

i would have preferred the 'mad men' era, the 60's.




the slim fitting suits. the suave and debonair time when i was actually born! im in the middle of 'a single man' by tom ford, and im just floored by the fashion and the styling! talagang bongga ang ate!








this was the time of my parents. they were in their mid-20's. and they already had a huge family! haha i saw some of their photos during that time. amazing. too bad my dad didnt keep any of the stuff. i would easily fit into them now!

i love the slim suits, the immaculately pressed white button-down shirt, the slim ties. well, the vests i could skip. hehe. even the colors are wonderful. muted earth tones. rich chocolate and greys. the interior design was so stylish and sleek. wood was plentiful then. hence, wood paneling was everywhere, including the automobile dashboard (yes, it. was still called automobile then).

im suddenly obsessing over the fashion. curiously, banana republic launched a mad men collection! yikes. there goes the credit card!









dont you just luv barbie & ken?

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mealtime moments

mealtimes. the most important bonding moments of our family. (or is that typical of all filipino families?). we cannot be excused from sharing the family meal. not homework. not tv. not phone conversation. only sickness. even that has to be of a certain severity.

of course, weekday breakfasts and lunch can be irregular. but never dinner, not after school. kakain na! my mother would holler. sometimes we would grumble about what is being served. hay naku. kakainin kung ano ang nakahain. pasalamat kayo may nakakain pa kayo. pag gyera, wala ka ng makain.. (eat what is being served. be thankful you still have food on the table. during war, you dont have any.). but i was never a picky eater. i eat everything.

in between the 'please pass the ketchup' and 'get more vegetables, that's good for you.' there will be conversation. mealtime is when we all get updated on school, grades, friends and relatives, gossip. teenagers may hesitate sharing as much. so i get uncomfortable. especially when i was still in the closet. and i couldnt share the thrill of getting (and giving) my first blowjob.

mealtime stories. when my 7yr old brother, who was already feeling really bad, still sat on the dining table. and as his serving of freshly baked macaroni was set before him, he barfs all over it. (and second serving of bechamel sauce, perhaps? ewww) or when my other sister just started crying, then sobbing uncontrollably as we were having dessert. out of nowhere.

mealtimes now have less participants. all my siblings are abroad. so its just me and my folks. (though i do have a niece staying with us as she studies) but i treasure mealtimes no less. i try as much as i can to be with them for dinner. and weekend lunches. even when i was living apart, in the condo.

we still do the life updates. i ask if there are news from the siblings abroad. or who else from their friends and acquaintances have this illness or that malady. or worse, have passed away.

but inevitably, we turn to talking about the past. from immediate past to growing up past, to ancestors past. it is fascinating to learn about stories of lolo and lola, of great grandfather or uncle or tito. there are courtship stories and romance. there is the family scandal. the illegitimates. the bribery. i love it.

but where we really spend a lot of time on is the growing up past. i am so intrigued by their first hand stories of us growing up, hearing what their thoughts were, motivations during the tender years. i would remember bits and pieces, but they supplied the details and the big picture.

a part of me is telling me, im feeling soooo old. our discussions are all about the past! but i cannot deny the sheer fun of putting the past together. and of course, the closeness i get to feel with them every moment spent strolling down memory lane.

im missing them now, as i spend many nights away from them for this trip.

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