SATC: are we there yet?

Season 4 Episode 11: coulda woulda shoulda

Miranda finds out she's pregnant. Charlotte finds out she can't get pregnant. Miranda struggles with the idea of abortion. Carrie lies to Aidan that she hasnt had an abortion. A lot of regrets along the way. Miranda wished she asked Steve to wear that condom. Charlotte wished she didnt 'save' herself during the early years had she known she wouldnt have gotten pregnant anyway. Carrie regrets not telling the father of her unborn child then about the child... and i quote...

so many roads, so many detours, so many choices, so many mistakes
as we drive along this road we call life, occasionally a gal will find herself a little.. lost
and when that happens, i guess she has to let go of the coulda woulda shoulda, buckle and just keep going
as we speed along this endless road towards the destination called who we hope to be
i cant help but whine... are we there yet?

particularly thought-provoking as i clean up a messy break-up... as i turn 4 decades++ in this world. am i there yet?

well, i am right where i want to be with my career. i have a great job. i work with great people. i get do to great work i am proud of.

i have a loving family. i am just so blessed with beautiful, understanding, loving parents. and caring, supportive siblings, in-laws, nieces and nephews.

i have different groups of friends, all of whom i adore in different ways. all of whom manage to greet me yesterday! 150 messages, non-duplicating!

i am working on a healthy, fit body that becomes a showcase for clothes and apparel i like =)

and i just failed in my last relationship of seven years. there i see the coulda, shoulda and woulda... and the most important learning of all - i should have just let him go as he embarked on the job posting in the province. i should have known the long-distance relationships were not my thing. i should have learned from my relationship with banker 1.

of course there are so many other regrets. but in the end, i still believe it all works out. there were reasons for these things to happen. and there were great lessons learned anyway. and when ill find that love again, ill be singing this Henry Mancini song (sung by Barbra Streisand - sorry i couldnt upload it)... here are the lyrics anyway

so often as i wait for sleep
i find myself reciting
the words i said or should have said
like scenes that need re-writing

the smiles i should have answered
doors perhaps i should have opened
songs forgotten in the morning light

if relive the roles ive played
the tears i may have squandered
the many pipers i have paid
along the roads ive wandered

yet all the time i knew it
love was always out there waiting
although i may regret a kiss or two

if i had changed a single day
what went amiss, what went astray
i may have never found my way to you

i wouldnt change a thing that happened
on my way to you


so am i there yet? i guess not. but i think, especially when it comes to love, the journey is the destination...

A Touching Gesture

Our household help gave me this bouquet of roses and a handmade greeting card. There were five of them who signed on the card. It was a simple greeting of happy birthday with well-wishes. But it really touched me, knowing that they labored on this and spent good money to get me that bouquet.

I saw this bouquet this morning. I didnt see it last night coming from my wonderful date with blogger-crush. I didnt open the lights because ex was sleeping soundly on the sofabed. when i saw it, though, i was half-wondering whether it came from him. so i had to confirm with the help since there was a card beside it. stupid me to almost think he would have given the roses.

but i had a great, memorable birthday celebration. okay, it was kinda weird when i woke up to see ex was there. i was able to leave before he woke up. i went to Mass with my parents. Then i had a morning meeting. Then i had lunch again with my folks and my secretary/confidante.

in the afternoon, i squeezed in some personal training sessions with my instructor. then i met up with blogger-crush. we had dinner at a secluded date place, italian menu, wine cellar setting with amorsolo type paintings (?). hehe. it was a first date and i had so much fun listening to him and just being with him... sigh. that was very nice.

Ways of telling you're gonna get Xtra Jervice

Being a spa habitue has taught me a thing or two about getting that extra service. there are legitimate spa places out there with illegitimate activities! :) and I am grateful for such places, for such therapists! i often get asked by my more-naive gelfriends how to get extra service. or at least how to tell whether your gonna get one or not... well, here's my take on a Letterman list...

Six ways of telling you're gonna get xtra Jervice:

6. your male therapist asks you if you've had a massage there before and by whom

talk gets around among them who does and who doesnt. and a therapist who does knows that by heart. they get a clue that you are into 'extras' if you've been handled by a known one.

5. he casually touches either or all of the following areas: your butthole, the perineum (that area between your balls and your anus), your balls, the tip of your d*ck

this can happen while you are being massaged or while he fixes your towel.

4. he casually brushes his groin against your foot, your hand or your head
they can get very creative with this so you better have heightened awareness. as he kneads your calf or your thigh, he reaches to the top of your thigh even as his groin is pressing against your foot. or as he massages your hands with his fingers, he does that quite near his crotch. or coming from your head area, he reaches over to massage your abdominals, pressing his crotch against your unsuspecting (?) face

3. he squeezes your nipples.
chances are, its a gentle squeeze. sometimes too subtle.

2. you get a hard-on which he cannot ignore.
he probably end up fixing your towel and brushing against your hard on.

1. you feel his hard-on
this is grabbing the proverbial bull by the horns. grab his crotch and see what happens!

i hope this little piece of information may help a PLU somewhere in despair... =)

say cheese

early morning. after the morning pee. while drinking brewed coffee, black with splenda. downloading email. checking friendster. posting comments. saying cheese.

all before 6am. tis a hard life. =)

back in the market!

in my badminton barkada (friends who were introduced to me by my ex), we have a few singulars, having been that way for quite sometime now. they were usually the ones who'd asked for dates or referrals. and they would always complain about how hard the 'single market' is nowadays.

i saw them last night, first time since the break up. and the singulars greeted me with contempt. ANO BA YAN? ANG HIRAP NA NGANG HUMANAP, DUMAMI PA ANG KUMPETISYON! hahaha. i was so happy to see them and to join them in the market! they didnt feel as happy! hahaha.

but that got me thinking... is it really a difficult singles market out there? well, people like migs, mcvie are currently single though i wouldnt say they belong in the same boat. migs seems to be in a search mode while mcvie doesnt seem to be anymore. but listening to them and all the other singulars would really make you feel that it is a shrinking market. getting too competitive! the stakes are up! higher even for the more senior members of the market!

i was in malate friday night. and had a great time just hanging out with friends like lobster and mcvie. and eventually met some new people. and it was like a splenda night! (guilt-free!)

saturday afternoon. worked out at the ff abs. and saw blogger-crush. managed to say hi. i know he might be reading this. all i can say is: the guy is just hot. and unavailable. but it was great finally meeting him.

sunday evening. visited lobster at his spa. he saw a friend from a far. and friend saw us, too. after a while. lobster gets message from friend asking about the guy he was with. that happens to be me. kilig. friend happens to be gorgeous. =)

yes. its nice to be back in the market. im sure it will have its lows and blah moments. but for now, i think ill be enjoying the highs...

picking up the pieces...

sorry for the long absence. mydsl dissed me no end. was dead for a couple of days. grrr.

but its back and im back. and im really back. now my birthday's coming up and i really have all the reasons to be happy again. yesterday, my colleagues treated me to a children's birthday party... at the half-way house I visit often! they organized everything for the 60 kids (ages 1 to 12) who are current residents at the place. it was a great Sunday afternoon. they organized games with prizes for the kids. and they were all just up and about.

particularly touching was the birthday card made by the brothers & sisters I have become close to in the past years. i was really touched that my friendship with them, as simple as it is (a visit or two a month, a treat to Jollibee sometimes), has made such a difference in their outlook. and i got to meet new kids, some who are just aching for a friendly hug... human touch that they couldnt get enough of hugging.

then i treated the family with all the help to Chinese food. it was so nice to see my big extended family enjoying the good food! just felt really warm and fuzzy inside.

that was a great Sunday, the first of a series of birthday celebrations leading up to Thursday! so much to be thankful for... no more reason for self-pity!

madonna sings it for me

Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no

You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long
Do ya wanna go higher?

There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye

Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress

There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye

Learn to say good-bye
I yearn to say good-bye


somehow, madonna has the right song for the occasion. i really loved this song. i just never thought it would mean so much to me in the end.

a change in tone and color

when depressed, nothing like snapping up some apparel to brighten one's day. and im putting my bets on color this summer - bright, audacious, saturated color. i picked this up from menstyle.com to prove a point. of course you dont combine colors in one outfit. use whites, khakis, greys and blacks (at night) to make your color stand out.






another thing. walking shorts i expect to be an inch above the knee...



and the sperry's back?

a weird place

the odd thing about depression is that it's never one straight ride. it's really a roller-coaster.

i've been doing fine the past few days, before the weekend. i managed to look up my list of 'could have beens' and found myself happy about my self again. texted a few of them, got a few replies. and managed to get a date during s.a.d. and saturday night. just nice people i used to date.

then weekend comes and POW i am hit by this wall of sadness. and vulnerability. and doubt. and regret.

and our current arrangement is the weirdest place of all: we still share this tiny condo, separate beds now. and we don't talk. well, hardly. isang tanong, isang sagot. we avoid each other as much as we can. we come and go without a word exchanged. walang paalamanan. and it just makes things worse.

then i hear that he has talked to a few friends, no major press releases, just venting anger and disappointment. i talked to them and asked what he said. nothing really new: how bruised he is, how ive failed to note that he re-arranged his life, his career path just to come back to manila...

i called him up, wanting to finally talk in person. i invited him to dinner because i wanted to hear all these things from him. and i wanted to tell him a few things, too. no, a lot of things.

he said he didnt want to talk anymore. he's stressed. he's tired. and he just wants to move on. i had to insist because i felt this is the right thing to do. and i had all these questions in my head, in my heavy heart. all i got was an open-ended yes to dinner.

vulnerable. i started to ask what my objective was: am i opening up to a possible reconciliation? or am i really just out to get some answers? one of the people he talked to said he actually cried a bit while talking. i felt my heart stabbed.

anger. then i remember the bills, the staggering amount spent on the other man. then i feel the anger again. especially when i hear his story of denial. of how this other man is really just a friend.

self-pity. what this other man have that i didnt? why did he want to spend more time AND money talking to him than me? i wonder what his gifts were to this other man. when did he start losing his love for me?

all in one afternoon.

i come home to the condo and he's already asleep. i wake up and he's still sleeping.

this is one weird place.

soul searching

singles' awareness day made me very aware (and conscious) of my sudden state of single-blessedness. and despite my hectic schedule for today, i found time to indulge in a little self-pity.

growing up, i used to be struck by this seemingly inane question: is the zebra a black horse with white stripes or white horse with black stripes? (im using a zebra seahorse, my east-meets-west zodiac sign)

i found that the question goes to the heart of who I am. am i really a good person with bad habits (or weak control)? or am i a bad person with some good points on the side?

okay. that's a little extreme. but generally, i am wondering if my basic character is innately faithful and true, but just easily tempted. or am i really one horny promiscuous devil with periods of rest?

i find myself asking questions like these in the light of my recent single-ness. what will my next relationship be like? should i even have another relationship? should i just realize that im not 'relationship' material? i remain confused and back in square one.

Singles' Awareness Day

Please be reminded that on the 14th of February, the world commemorates "Singles' Awareness Day".

We remember all the single people of the world while all others celebrate that OTHER holiday.

We have lined up the following events and activities, leading up to Singles' Awareness Day:

1) The Basics of Cross-Stitching - for beginners
2) Cross-Stitching Marathon - advanced level only (beyond 5 yrs single)
3) Analysis of Speed-dating
4) Surviving Weddings and other Family Gatherings
5) Negotiating a Blind Date
6) the EyeBall: What NOT to Expect

and much more. You are all invited to post additional topics of interest for single people.

And on the Day itself, at the same time a toothpaste brand is milking their kissing couples concept dry (Laplapaloser), we will be holding the SAD Grand Event. We will launch the new slogan for the day: IT'S OKAY TO BE S.A.D.!



i didnt start the term. picked it up from my niece from dubai. i just find it hilarious!

a short thought on fasting

i wanted to share our priest's concept of fasting:

to regain control over ourselves

i like that definition. in my day-to-day affairs (of work, of the heart, of the loins), i pretty much am in auto-pilot. i let my 'self' indulge in food, in clothes, in being nasty or bitchy, in being impatient. it just happens. the jeepney driver cuts the car on the road, i curse. i see that great polo shirt, with just the right bright orange, i buy. i see lechon, i devour. stimulus-response for much of the time.

lent reminds me through fasting that it doesnt have to be this way all the time. that in between stimulus and response is the will to choose to respond in one manner over another. fasting is practicing willpower. choosing to not buy that shirt because someone out there may need the cash more than i do the shirt. choosing not to devour the lechon (maybe just a pinch?). you get the picture.

and that's the value of fasting during fridays. i am in control again. and because i am in control again, i can choose to be nicer, healthier, more generous. i can choose to be a better me.

now if i can only get the willpower to start... :)

what hurts the most

having been unfaithful, too, did not take away the pain of discovering one as the victim of infidelity. it still cut deep to know that there was or is someone else that a lover deems more important.

actually, that is the bottom line of this pain. beyond the dishonesty or betrayal of trust. i hurt most because i realized that for the past two years, partner has valued someone else much more than me. someone else was more important. someone else was more missed. someone else's voice or conversation mattered much, much more than mine. so much that money was no object, as long as they kept in touch.

affair or not, this is the truth of the matter. and it wasnt only in the calls. his behavior towards me had also changed even before my revelation, all pointing to cc having diminishing value in partner's eyes. he was quick to point out my faults. stopped being proud of my achievements. quick to blame me. wasnt as interested in my stories. late during certain meetings. stopped having sex with me months back. then after my disclosure, this all went to zero level.

that is the heart of this pain. yes, self-pity. i always wanted to think of myself as fairly attractive, a good catch, hard to replace. and he has made me feel otherwise. i was worth... less compared to someone else.

April 22, 2000 - February 7, 2008

here lies the relationship with partner.

the first smile exchanged was a few days before his birthday.
the final goodbye a few days before mine.

it started with so much love. began in a sordid party but made real in the beauty of batanes, on top of a rock solid. overlooking a sunset.
it ended in a phone call, in an office, on rainy day.

it came to life, a day before Easter.
It turned to dust, a day after Ash Wednesday.

it was simple and beautiful at first: trust, honesty, open communication and making the other feel important, and loved.
towards the end, it became complicated, dirty, deceitful, dishonest and making the other feel ugly, unwanted and unloved.

from love to hate
from hope to despair

here lies what could have been
and what shouldnt have happened

PISCES - The Partner for Life

Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. Messy at times and irresponsible! Smart but lazy. High appeal. Has the last word. Good to find, hard to keep. Passionate, wonderful lovers. Fun to be around. Too trusting at times and gets hurt easily. Lover of animals. VERY caring, make wonderful nurses or doctors. They always try to do the right thing sometimes get the short end of the stick. They sometimes get used by others and hurt because of their trusting. Extremely weird but in a good way. Good Sense of Humor!!! Thoughtful. Always gets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. Good friend to other but need to be choosy on who they allow their friends to be

ouch.

a new dealbreaker

sleuthing makes your brain work fast. you dig into billing statements of years past. you would be aghast to notice that the mystery number has been appearing for two years. voice calls ranging from 30 calls to 65 calls a month. some calls lasting 45 mins. then you see one particular billing statement, one reflecting a trip to europe. in two weeks, 21 calls to that number, costing P18,000. your head reels. your hands are shaking. you feel so stupid. you feel like you've been taken for a ride for more than two years.

sure, during that time you weren't mother teresa. but you remember the guilt, the agony everytime you think how your lover has been so chaste while away from you. and how eventually, your own affairs you had to cut short. you couldnt stand the guilt. and you remember how that guilt finally pushed you to be totally honest with him, to wipe the slate clean. and how he was so wounded. of how he withdrew and became cold and bitter.

all the while maintaining his relations. ang tanga-tanga mo pala. you wanted to believe in him. you kept on telling people there was no way he could fool around. because that was what he kept on telling you.

you call the number again and ask badminton bud point blank - are you having an affair with my lover? quick denial

soon, lover is calling you, pissed off why you had to call badminton bud. how he was humiliated by the call.

a few days after, the confrontation. the denial. he tells you he's not having an affair with that guy. badminton bud just happens to be a nice person, a support system. you tell yourself - an P18,000 f**kng support system. good grief. he never even spent as much talking to you. ever.

and that you are barking up the wrong tree. HA HA. you got the guy all wrong.

but you dont care and you dont believe. you believe what your gut tells you. and you remain cold but livid. while he's arguing at the top of his voice.

finally you reach your dealbreaker: when you are taken for a loong ride, when you are taken for granted, when you are still lied to.

no deal.

rightly suspicious or too malicious

hey people, consider this:

you've been privy to your lover's phone bills (landline & mobile). and you notice a recurring mobile number. some of those landline to mobile calls last 30minutes or more. on the mobile billing, you noticed the same number, texted everyday, averaging 3x a day from the u.s. during your lover's 3wk visit there. and you backtrack on the bills and note that this has been going on for months.

you get suspicious and call the number. guy answers. the guy whom your lover calls as 'one of his badminton buddies'. the guy you actually met before because your lover tagged him along during one of your games.

during the call you fumble and just say that you saw the number and you were just confirming the owner. you say hi in passing (since he recognized you when you introduced yourself) and hang up.

you're standing there wondering what to do next.

first of all, should you be suspicious? or are you being too malicious? next, what would you have done?

lulu land

im on my way to the gym. i ride this elevator with a lesbian, a girl companion and three other people. during the ride, lulu and companion hold hands and make swing-swing. girl squeezes lulu's hand a bit too tight. lulu yelps. and they tease each other. this is one long elevator ride.

im on the stationary bike. in front of me is the treadmill station. another lulu and girl companion approach the treadmill. girl gets on the treadmill as lulu lovingly leans on the handle bars as they talk. girl brushes lulu's cheek and squeezes hand.

this is 630am. im like saying this is so unfair...

i could never do that in broad daylight in the gym with my lover. actually, i wouldnt want to but that's beside the point.

my point. why do i get the feeling that the lulu's could so easily flaunt their relationships while we badingers have to choose nakpil and orosa and makati ave (govt) to be so affectionate...

i remember my cousin telling me then how taboo same-sex PDA is... he would remind me - its still a straight world. then why the hell are the lulu's so liberal about their PDAs?

is it because the Pinoy straight society is more tolerant of them butch lesbians? or intimidated by them that they choose not to express disapproval? or are our lulu brothers just braver than us, they just have more balls (pun intended) than poor PLU?

meanwhile, as i labor on my bike, gymcrush walks by. suddenly im fantasizing brushing his cheek (butt cheeks) and squeezing his hard-on... :)

my birthday's coming up!!!

i am actually excited coming into my birth month! im thinking i should line up a month-long list of activities for myself.

my sun sign: pisces
my chinese zodiac: horse

voila! im a seahorse. and according to wiki weyes:

Seahorses are a genus (Hippocampus) of fish belonging to the family Syngnathidae, which also includes pipefish and leafy sea dragons. The seahorses are found in tropical and subtropical coastal and reef waters all over Pacific, Atlantic and Indian oceans.
Seahorses range in adult head-to-tail sizes from 13.3mm (0.52 inches) in the recently discovered Hippocampus denise[3] to 35cm (13.78 inches). Seahorses and pipefishes are notable for being the only species in which males become "pregnant".[4]

i love that last part! im giggling as i read 'the only species in which males become pregnant!" that will be the day!

reading the genus of the seahorse, hippocampus, reminded me of my neuropsych days:

The hippocampus is a part of the forebrain, located in the medial temporal lobe. It forms a part of the limbic system and plays a part in long term memory and spatial navigation. Humans and other mammals have two hippocampi, one in each side of the brain.
The name derives from its curved shape in coronal sections of the brain, which resembles a seahorse (Greek: hippos = horse, kampi = curve).
In Alzheimer's disease, the hippocampus is one of the first regions of the brain to suffer damage; memory problems and disorientation appear among the first symptoms. Damage to the hippocampus can also result from oxygen starvation (anoxia) and encephalitis.

as part of the limbic system, the hippocampus is within part of the emotion circuitry of the brain, specializing in memory! and im suddenly rationalizing: i am quite emotional. and memory retention has been my strong point.

so now i have this new-found affinity for seahorses as my true sign...

(babaw no? gabi na kasi)

SATC: what's your dealbreaker

season 3, episode 5: carrie posts this question? where do you draw the line with a love? how much are you willing to give up and what will you not for a relationship?

for charlotte: it was bad kissing. really baaad kissing. for samantha: it was not having the balls to stand up to the sister. for aidan: it was smoking.

looking at my list of exes, i tried to mentally list down reasons for quitting (in all but one of those relationships, i said goodbye) and i realized that for some, i had to draw the line.

- violence. under no circumstance will i go on with anybody who is physically abusive. and one of them was.
- long distance. very recent learning. i will not get into any relationship that will involve physical separation of more than 6 months.
- effeminacy. with me as benchmark. no one more pa-girl than me.

conversely, the following were not dealbreakers but would make me think twice...

- smoking (since i dont smoke)
- religion (methodist, iglesia, born again)
- bad sex (or at the least, sexual incompatibility including a power top who wants me to bottom)
- profession (in the arts and culture)
- IQ (he doesnt need to be a genius)
- grammar and pronunciation (no froblem)

what's your dealbreaker?

on blogs and blogging

i received an email regarding this article about blogs that appeared in the new york review of books. quite lengthy, it seemed like a well-researched article as basis for a book, an anthology of blogs. it even contains the history of blogging. it ends with this...

Finally, I think I get the superhero fixation. It's the flying. It's the suspension of punctuation and good manners and even identity. Bloggers at their computers are Supermen in flight. They break the rules. They go into their virtual phone booths, put on their costumes, bring down their personal villains, and save the world. Anonymous or not, they inhabit that source of power and hope. Then they come back to their jobs, their dogs, and their lives, and it's like, "Dude, the ball."

Blog writing is id writing—grandiose, dreamy, private, free-associative, infantile, sexy, petty, dirty. Whether bloggers tell the truth or really are who they claim to be is another matter, but WTF. They are what they write. And you can't fake that. ;-)

and this for me, sums up all that i do here as cc...

(special thanks to my friend who sent me this email. you know who you are! :))