SAHC: jose

it was in third year high school when we started having relationships. i can't begin to place how it all started. i just remember nandy telling us that he has been dating one of the hot, cocky soccer players, jose. jose was really cute, from the other section. mayabang ang dating. because he was one of the better players, because he looks like his family is well-off.

they became an item. and nandy looked like he was in heaven everyday. we would hang out at the football field and watch them play. we were supportive of nandy and jose, though we all felt that envy.

then something happened after a few months. and they split up. nandy was devastated. but life moves on. especially for jose. after a week or two, he started to become chummy with me. we started talking over the phone, meeting up in school during breaks or after class. i started to fall. he was sweet and thoughtful. we'd have long talks. about class, about teachers, about toys and music, about sports.

nandy forgave me when i eventually told him and the rest that we are officially on. and when we could, we would hold hands, away from the prying eyes of the priests and brothers.

during one of our after-class trysts, we were at the staircase of one of the old buildings at the school. it was dark and nobody passes by since the entrance there is closed.

we were talking. and he put his arm around me. with only a lamplight outside, filtered by the window of the staircase, he kissed me. i knew it was coming. but i was scared. i even had my two hands cupping my knees. then he kissed me longer, and i finally opened my mouth. and felt for the first time the sublime pleasure of a french kiss. we kissed a bit more before finally leaving, thinking someone might finally pass.

we lasted a couple of weeks. we ended up arguing, little teen-age stuff. but that memory lingered with me. i enjoyed that first french kiss and how it happened. it wokr up the romantic in me.

singularity: holiday turned restday

non-working holidays meant time off to go somewhere. it was off shopping. or hanging out with friends. watching movies.

yesterday was a hectic day, coming right after an extended weekend in boracay. i was feeling lousy in the morning, feverish, sore throat. illness was forthcoming. but i had no choice but to work, to be exposed to the elements, to have a class in the afternoon.

there goes my chance to be off somewhere.

it didnt turn out so bad. yeah, i ended with slight fever, runny nose, and general weakness. but i got to spend one entire day in the house, in my sanctuary.

i didnt even turn on the TV to watch the inauguration. im sure it will turn out somewhere online. i caught up on my newspaper reading. (i try to read the newspaper everyday. but because of work and everything else, that becomes last priority. i end up piling them somewhere. its really not the 'news' anymore that i catch up on. i check up on the ads.)

then there was grindr keeping me company. a little chitchat from one or two new pals. i dont seem to be getting much hits lately. LOL.

i did a little touching up on the plants. first in the balcony, then on the roof deck. it tickles me pink to see the plants responding, growing, blooming.

lunch was with family below. then a short nap to get my body stronger to fight this respiratory infection.

a massage would have been good. but i didnt feel like calling one of two regulars i have. he'll end up sexing me up again. and that isnt what i want or even need.

so its piano music in the background, blogging, my little waterfalls on the balcony contributing to the music. (the pic was taken as i was setting it up. there's water gently flowing from above the stack of glass panes.

a restful day indeed on my own.

synchronicity story

he received the SMS in the morning. "text for mr cc. he is on the island this weekend. you have to show him the resort." so that was his task: find mr cc and show him the resort amenities.

he decided to postpone that for tomorrow. he was still too busy with winding down of the event. hosting this convention for 1,000 people was a living nightmare. thank God, it would be soon over, he thinks to himself.

the rains started this afternoon, another miracle. God spared the first two days of the convention. and by 4pm, all the guests would have left.

he finally wrapped up at around 12 midnight. and as though he wanted to sleep, he felt he wanted to have a few drinks at juice.

the crowd was already up and about when he got there. he approached the bar and ordered his beer. hmmmm. so many plu's around. some good looking ones, too. but he doesnt feel like being friendly. he's just enjoying the music.

guy beside him, left ahead. nice bod in a white tank top. was obviously drunk with the way he was teetering from side to side.

by around 2am, he left the bar and decided to check the beach area. a few people on this beautiful night, with a full moon lighting up the white sand. and speaking of sand, there was a guy on the sand, lying down. could it be him?

it is him, white tank top. seems to have passed out. he approached him and woke him up. guy smiled. "no im not asleep. im just admiring the sky." "sorry, i thought you passed out. you have to be careful here." he sat beside him and started to have a chat. nice bod is also a nice guy.

and as the conversation turned to work, he volunteers that he worked for this boracay resort. white tank top counters "im supposed to look for that resort."

"wait, don't tell me you... you're mr cc???" he asks, jumping ahead. he starts laughing, they both start laughing. the sheer coincidence.

and whatever attraction he had for him quickly faded. white tank top turned into client in an instant. and he just helped mr cc find his way back to the hotel.

he was shaking his head going back to his own room. funny how he found him without even trying.

cheap and dirty

the worst sex ever.
15 minutes seemed too long.
a hook-up so pure in its intent.
no chitchat.
shorts fell to the floor.
raging erection.
why couldnt you get it hard?
because you turn me off.
my thought balloon.
take viagra next time.
bye.
yuck.
yuck.
yuck.

Tula Para Kay CC

Sa Lamin

Sa tapat
ng kuwadrong umaaninag,
sinubukan mo
ang isang kamisadentro.

Tinimbang
ang dantay
ng manggas sa balikat.

Sinipat
ang yakap
ng tabas sa katawan.

Dinama
ang haplos
ng tela sa balat.

Tinantiya
kung sapat
ang lugod na dulot.

Sa harap mo
ako
matamang naghihintay,
nakaantabay
ng iyong pag-ayon.

a poem written for me.
i was so touched.
arigato gozaimasu

Oriental Sandwich

it was my first time to try that spa. i know it has legit massage services (ie no happy endings) from supposedly attractive therapists. it has maintained quite a 'clean' reputation (to my mind anyway) though still primarily known as a plu-place. (sounds cute, don't you think? plu-place!)

since all i wanted was a legit massage anyway, i tried it out. that sunday afternoon, it was just me and two white guys. and we were at the steam sauna. one of them was in pretty good shape though both of them must be around my age or even older (you know how these caucasians look older than their age). and both were stark naked inside the steam.

i was across them and trying to check whether they were plu's too. and as the steam abated, i saw the more buff one actually caressing his gigantic tool. and so was the other guy (who had a beer belly though his tool wasn't wanting in the size department either). they saw me looking at them and motioned me to sit in between.

obedient asian that i am, i was now in between them. and they started feeling me up, touching me. my pulse was racing. i had a raging hard on that one of them started to jerk off. they were also busy on my pecs, licking, kissing them sometimes at the same time. it was such a head trip to see these two whites all over me, as i jerked both of them.

the other one was really huge. my lil asian fingers could hardly close in on the girth. the buffier one jerked me off till i couldn't hold it anymore. and i was already hyperventilating in the heat of the room.

the other one came almost at the same time. big guy didn't. i couldnt stand the heat any longer. so i motioned that i was leaving to take a shower.

there was a little chatter at the lockers. but we were all due for our massage. and after mine, i left, feeling a bit bewildered, considering the 'sanitized' reputation of the place. perhaps they are a couple visiting manila, ill never know. but it looks like they frequent that place.

for those of you on a strict diet of white meat, you may want to check this out. oops. sorry im not about to reveal the name of the place. hihihi

SAHC: Terpsichorean Preoccupation

Watching Glee reminded me of what our barkada was into from high school to college - dancing! Aside from love of boys and men, we enjoyed listening and dancing to the hits of the 80's then. We were pretty much a product of media. And during that time, dance groups were so 'in'. lead dancers and choreographers were celebrities, too. there was geleen eugenio of WEA, raffy chan of Dyna, miles obra.

Record companies would launch dance music through these dance groups. Each record label would have one or more dance groups in their stable. They would come up with some dance step and launch it together with the song. and they would be performing the dance in all the variety shows of the era (student canteen, eat bulaga) and the celebrity-led shows like Superstar (Nora Aunor), VIP (vilma in person), Loveliness (Alma Moreno), etc. Mind you, dance groups were also segmented. you had those groups appealing to the dancing, primarily gay audience like WEA, OctoArts, Vicor. then there were those with such super sexy female lead dancers (Dance Promo 89). And the all-male boy dance groups (Octo Maneuvers, Knapsacks, The Tigers). It seemed like everyone liked dancing.



And we were as much into the dance scene as most everybody. The most rabid among us would be Chiqui. He would really study the dance and copy it to the last sashay. During our free time, we would be taught by Chiqui and Gerry. Another good dancer was Serg. Nathan and I would also follow. Nandy would be the least flexible among us. hihihi

One highlight of our high school life was when our idols, the WEA dancers performed in our auditorium for a show! We were so happy to watch them dance live! And Chiqui even got to dance onstage with them!

Back then, we would already be so high just being able to complete a dance and perform, but only to ourselves.

Eventually, the trend died a natural death. but none too soon, i think. it has lived its purpose. to bring dancer-wannabes like us to express ourselves, our sexuality in a non-threatening way.

THAT Home episode

i now understand why this episode got so much mention. first off, that song still haunts me. back in the early 80's, Kuh Ledesma released her 2nd album and she did a cover of this song. My sister loved her and loved this song, and so did I. I didnt even know at first that it was just her cover of Diana Ross' song from The Wiz.

But already back then, I could sing the song with all my heart, ala Kuh. the lyrics didnt resonate though, because I was still pretty much at home. :-) I eventually forgot about the song altogether.

Reading the raiders' comments about this episode made me curious whether this Home song would be sung. and as the episode unfolded, i didnt even know it was already THE episode till the Home word kept on repeating. The excitement built up right to the end of the episode, with Kristin finally singing this endearing song. Yes, I was singing at the top of my lungs with her, with hair standing on end.

im back at home after a 10-year stay away from the place i grew up in. it was quite a journey for that past decade, marked by the first time i ever shared a 'home' with someone else. although it ended in a 'broken home', i didnt end up as a 'broken spirit'. and inasmuch as i am already so grateful to be back here, i know there are reasons yet to unfold to explain this.

i ended that post on looking back wishfully thinking that i was ready to be in a relationship again. but i'm not so sure now. i've had chances since then. yet the heart has not responded, even when the mind wanted to. the heart has its reasons. and though friends still believe that somewhere out there is a someone for me, i smile and douse expectations, theirs and mine.

home is where the heart is. and cc is back at home.

IJ Case 16: Hokuoukan, Osaka

If Babylon Bangkok is the ultimate men's club in Asia, Hokuoukan runs a close second. This popular sauna welcomes well-behaved non-Japanese and the crowd, mostly men in their 30s and 40s, is friendly indeed.

from Utopia

i didnt have a hard time finding this place. the directions from utopia are good. yes, it is quite a big place, 4 levels, i believe, but it doesnt look big because of the way they partitioned the place.

the wet floors, i believe, is a typical japanese bath house (the legit type). the hot pools surrounded by 'shower stations' with individual mirrors and no enclosures. the wet and mist sauna (yup, mist sauna, hot mist blown into the sauna area. felt like being in a light drizzle in a very hot place)

then it becomes more like a typical bath house: the video area, the maze lined with cubicles. but one major difference: there are big rooms with dormitory-type beds. turns out that this place could really be a hotel where you can spend overnight in.

i was there on a weekday, around 6pm, hoping to catch the after office crowd. but when i got there, a handful of daddy-type locals were around - 30's to 40's, big-bellied types. sigh. then eventually i noticed some foreigners around.

i only stayed for two hours. had to go back to have dinner with my host. i ended up playing around with the foreigners: singapore, brazil, peru. i would have wanted a local but i guess that wasnt the place.

i was told that the sauna 24 in tokyo is way hotter. that's for another trip.

blog re-invented

got tired of the old design. i wanted something more... corporate. with enough zing to it.

gleefully madonna

'Glee': Madonna calls tribute episode 'brilliant'
By Carina MacKenzie

April 16, 2010 5:46 PM ET
Somewhere in the English countryside, in a stately manor home, Madonna is not weeping. In a statement to Us, Madonna said that the all-Madonna "Glee" episode was "brilliant on every level."

"I completely appreciated the layers of irony, especially when all those macho boys sang 'What It Feels Like For A Girl,'" she says, referring to a scene where Mr. Schuester (Matthew Morrison) tries to teach the No Directions boys a lesson about misogyny by leading them in the song about female empowerment.

Madonna said the entire cast was "amazing" and "so talented," but she had no problem picking favorites. And why should she? She's Madonna. "I especially loved Sue Sylvester (Jane Lynch) and Kurt Hummel's (Chris Colfer) characters," she says.

Unsurprisingly, the long-reigning Queen of Pop appreciated "all the messages about boys being respectful to girls."

"Ryan Murphy did a great job bringing all the elements together," she says. "I wish I went to a high school like that."

Don't we all?

yeah yeah im like two months behind. but heck, this is the icon we are talking about. i found myself laughing, singing, my hair standing on end from start to finish. it's a wonderful tribute. and im wondering whether michael's demise had anything to do with it. like, why wait for her to pass away before doing a tribute?

and they pulled out all the stops, right down to the reproduction of vogue. it's empowerment lesson but not to the point of just abandoning cherished ideals (as the characters confront their ideas of their virginity!)

yes, im gushing. couldnt help myself. im filled with glee.

a blogger's tale

"my background is copy-writing. that's why i enjoy those types of books." while pointing to this book on the etymology of words.
"cool. why don't you blog?"
"huh? ive got nothing new to say. what's been said that hasn't been said?"
"true. but may be you've got a different way of saying it"
"please, it's like everybody's a writer now. everybody has blog!" sounding exasperated.
"i mean, there's just so much trash out there. i don't want to contribute to that."
"and who really wants to read all that crap about what i do or what i think."
im slowly feeling my face turn red. thank God it was dark in his room.
"i dont want to add to that."
"i see. well, that's cool, too."
"do you have a blog?"
"yes, as a matter of fact, i do."
"oh. there you go. foot in the mouth."
"it's ok." but i still feel hot under the collar. i felt the sexual attraction dissipate.

my instinct was to get up and leave. but i fought that. and i diverted the conversation to another topic. it went ok. but i felt stung there, somehow.

sayang. he is a cute and sexy grindree. smart, around my age range. great big condo all to himself. obviously made. and looks like old wealth.

but it wasnt just that, of course. maybe he didnt like me either because he didnt really make any moves. so i left with just a handshake.

so im still mulling over that. i felt affected by that very honest statement. like im such a trying-hard writer wearing my heart out on a sleeve. like it's some important content. even steve jobs commented "“I don’t want to see us descend into a nation of bloggers. I think we need editorial now more than ever.”

my initial reaction was, of course, defensive. like an attack on me as a person who blogs.

but beyond that, i've sobered up and realized that cutie has a point. blogs have lessened the accountability of writers for accurate, relevant content. but it also makes me realize that i am blogger. and i've never claimed to be a writer or author or anything. but even as a blogger, i need to exercise enough effort to guarantee that my content, whatever it may be, will strive to make this world a better place to live in. perhaps through its entertainment, educational or resonance value. even if i only have one raider left. so i won't be guilty of being just an irresponsible venue of self-expression or even narcissism.

and the best way for me to achieve that is to continue to listen to my raiders, to read their comments. and that feedback is the best benefit one gets as a blogger. and finally, to rephrase emily dickinson

If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not blog in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting raider
Unto his path again,
I shall not blog in vain.

where your treasure is

(this was written before i watched that glee madonna episode)

i've been through many 'collections' in my life. i dabbled in stamps in grade school. then college, it was MADONNA! i had to have ALL her albums and maxi-singles, all vinyl. that time, the maxi-singles in the Phils used this generic WEA album cover. gross. but i was able to score some of those from the US. dress you up, angel/into the groove, express yourself. then came her magazine covers. then posters.

my madonna-mania went on till after college. every madonna album, i have it. then it started to wane after 2000. i still have most of her albums, but stopped collecting the maxi's. and i actually lost all those vinyls. and i didnt care as much.

this nostalgia on my madonna collection was brought on by the gospel last friday when Jesus mentions 'where your treasure is, there your heart is also".

as i slowly make more sense of my catholic faith, make it personal, make it less guilt-ridden, i resolved to get back to reading the Bible, particularly the New Testament. i'm now reading and re-reading all Jesus' statements, those that the evangelists ascribed to him and see how this reconciles with my sexuality.

so im taking to heart his statements, his utterances. and now, im pondering on his statement on treasures.

what is it that i treasure or value? what is it that if lost, would leave me so broken? that got me thinking about my madonna collection then. how much i valued that thing. and soon, i just outgrew it.

Jesus reminded me to make my riches in heaven and not on earth where moths would just eat them away. hahaha, exactly what happened to my collection i guess.

with my hard-earned cash nowadays, im still pretty much 'materialistic'. i buy clothes, built myself this lil house, buy gadgets. are these my treasures? yes, these earthly possessions. id be devastated if the something calamitous happens to these. yet I am reminded that i should refrain from putting all 'treasure' here on earth.

so what should i invest in, according to Him? he says 'riches in heaven'. and i dont think he means buying plenary indulgences from the Church like in the medieval days.

my money and all my other resources are best spent on nurturing those 'things' that will be untouched by time, those that will live on. and ultimately, i believe that means nurturing my relationships with others, in nurturing trust, compassion and love. in an ever widening circle starting with those closest to me.

i dovetail this with stephen covey's emotional bank account analogy to relationships. you either make deposits (actions that serve to strengthen the relationship) or you make withdrawals (those that erode, breaking promises, hurtful words). and just like any bank account, your goal is to make your maintaining balance so huge that an occasional withdrawal could be absorbed.

and that sounds exactly like storing up riches in heaven and not on earth. making sure that my 'trust accounts' with people continue to grow. investing not just money but time and skills to make these accounts grow.

the best part, these are the most fulfilling of all investments. that smile of appreciation. that hug of gratitude for a little act of kindness or thoughtfulness. small investments, big returns that go on to perpetuity. eternity.

perfect fling

perfect man was the perfect host. he treated me so well during that short trip.

he also made it clear that we were never going to cross that line. he remains very much in love with his lover.

yet we were almost like lovers. though we slept in separate beds, we found time to cuddle and hug before sleeping and upon waking up.

sweet memories of going around, dining together, shopping together.

and i realize that i dont love him. i could but i dont. and neither does he.

we just both needed that intimacy. we both considered each other special. but that was all there is to it.

so it's not him either, after all. after all the fantasizing.

after all that waiting.

a thought @ midnight

after all that sex.
all those hook-ups.
nothing.
back to square one.
its just not the same.
sex is no sport for me.

Thursdays with CC: When You Bow, Bow Low

Don't let it get to your head. Success, I mean. I didnt say you shouldn't take pride in your achievements. You should. You could even talk about it. But don't take it to heart. If you let your achievements define you, then what will your failures speak of you? You are simply much more than what you have achieved (or failed at).

As you climb up the ladder and start to manage people, you will start to taste 'power'. things you use to do yourself, you now get to 'delegate'. you push one button, and things get done (or are supposed to get done). it's easy to start feeling high and mighty. Don't. You are just doing your job like every one else. It's not who you are.

There should be nothing that your direct reports (i hate the word 'subordinates') do that you wouldn't do yourself. Think about that. You should be able and willing to do whatever they do, even if you are boss. Standing in line and waiting for your turn. Picking up litter. Cleaning up after you are done with your meal. Carrying your own stuff. Nothing should remain too 'small' or too 'low' for you to do.

And this will earn you their respect. And you become even more effective as a manager.

It is ultimately so liberating to not be so beholden to your position, your title. I am reminded of this when i travel. Out there, I commute, I do dishes, I fix my own bed (which I still do even here). I am ordinary person. Because I really am.

We all are. And that's what makes everything great. All small, ordinary people working together to do great things.

arigato gozaimasu

just came back from a short trip to the land of the rising sun. first time to visit the country. had my fears based on second hand stories: too expensive, language barrier, hard to get around. but all those fears dissipated. i totally enjoyed myself in osaka. i didnt do as much cultural stuff in kyoto. spent more time shopping. :-)

virgin observations

japanese guys in osaka are supposedly more masculine looking than their tokyo brods. but for the younger ones, the trend is to have their eyebrows plucked. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? sorry, i prefer my guys with less feminine interventions. i didnt see many cuties out there. no outstandingly gorgeous guys. but there some hot nice bods walking around. and they are no longer bow-legged. LOL

japanese women are a lot trendier. they dye their hair blonde. and all of them are now into babydoll summer dresses, usually empire cut. they layer their knitted sweaters or over-sized scarves. they wear lace stockings and six-inch heels.

i love shopping there with so many japanese brands that are of great quality. but pricey. a good round-collar shirt will be about P1,200 - P1,500. of course, there is always uni-qlo and muji. i love. there are shops for pre-owned luxury items. and all of them superbly taken cared of. almost new.

the major luxury retailers are all over the place (LV, prada, gucci) but i heard they dont have as many patrons as they used to.

my beloved hybrid prince is a taxicab there. LOL. but to be fair, an elite taxicab. haha. i loved seeing the prius all over.

you can easily figure out how to get around. there are enough english signs (and symbols) to take you where you wanted. i felt so liberated and empowered getting around osaka alone (my host had work).

the city is very clean. and generally quiet. they value their personal space. so dont expect them to crowd out each other on the seats of the subway.

i saw one gay area, mixed with the rest of the red light district. i didnt get to go in any bar or club since that was late and we had to catch the train back home.

i did do some IJ (investigative journalism) :-) but that's for a separate post.

i'd love to go back. it was a very short trip and there so many other things to do.

thank you, dear host, for your hospitality, generosity, concern. thanks for making me feel like i had you in my life, even for a brief moment in time.

SAHC: summer of 78

the first time i felt i was actually flirting with another boy must have been during summer vacation right after graduating from elementary school. i was 12yo then. i still had my cousin and neighbor as my barkada, doing 'boy stuff' like war games, climbing fences and picking neighbors' fruits, skateboarding.

but i also became close to a classmate of mine, ill call him daryl because of a common love for the Mickey Mouse Club (way way before britney) that was a regular sunday program we'd watch religiously. we had our crushes on the pretty talented little girls (yes, girls). and we'd talk almost every night over the phone just to share stories, fantasies during that summer.

from time to time, we'd meet on certain days and just hang out, either at school or in each other's houses. we were so into mmc that we actually became mouseketeers (we registered and were mailed our badges and kits)

some of those conversations turned sexual as we started discovering the changes in our bodies (how pubic hair started to grow, and of course, wet dreams). we had yet to talk frankly about masturbation though i actually havent discovered that joy yet. i would get excited over his discoveries of his body, his erections and nocturnal emissions but was too scared to admit.

over the phone one time, close to midnight when we were still talking and everybody else was asleep, he told me he dreamt of kissing me. though i was still in denial then, the thought didnt abhor me. i just acted cool about it. and asked him if he really wanted it. and when he said yes, i said sure, lets try it one time.

we were in school, it was still empty since classes hadnt started yet. and while walking, he stole a kiss on my cheek. again, i tried to be cool and just said 'you okay now?' and we never mentioned that incident again. it was back to our mousketeer crushes and cars and robots.

but i never forgot that (obvious ba?). and that paved the way for a more exciting time in high school when classes started.

Thursdays with CC: Keeping Your Word

Whatever comes out of your mouth, own it. Which is why you should choose your words carefully.

Don't think that it is THAT easy to just take back things you've said, promises you've made. It's not. The little thing called Credibility is being eaten away every time you say something you don't really mean or turn back on something you've verbally committed to do.

A promise kept, no matter how small, is another brick in that edifice called Trust. If you've said you were going to do it. Then do it. no ifs and buts. If it's a promise to attend this meeting, attend it. It it's a promise to support someone, then support you must. And if it says 630am or earlier, you should be there 630am, not 635am, not 645am.

If you must, for whatever reason, break that or renege on it, treat that with utmost concern. Treat it as if it was the biggest sin you'll make to that person. Humbly apologize in advance and offer amends. That way, they will see your sincerity.

Hence, never make a habit of breaking promises.

And moving up the chain, therefore, be careful what you do promise or commit to. Weigh it carefully to make sure that you'll be able to fulfill that, no matter what.

Thursdays with CC (TWC): hopefully will be a regular feature. my life lessons.

Singularity

That singlehood email and consequent post and fabcast reinforced my sentiment that alone does not equal lonely.

but it surely doesnt feel that way when you are alone in your house or unit, while all your coupled friends are out on dates or consumed by various 'couple' activities.

and id like to think that this is because of all the years of 'indoctrination' that we have received from everywhere that romantic love is the only reason for happiness. that there is no substitute for that. everything else is a poor second to being in a relationship.

years upon years of exposure in media, in church, in all those social institutions have served to reinforce this paradigm. so much so that we invest our whole lives searching for the one, a holy grail that will ultimately be our happiness.

this is confounded by the idea that "other people" will look at us single people and label us as ultimately unsuccessful because we are not in relationships. kawawa naman siya, magaling or maganda or (supply positive adjective here) naman kaso single.

two fears here: fear of being alone and fear of being seen alone.

i can't accept the fact that my happiness depends on someone else. and living a life alone is a life of failure and depression.

and when i look at my life right now, heck, i'm actually happy.

embracing singularity then is really an uphill battle against all that programming. for those of you recently single, the pangs of loneliness won't disappear overnight just because of one insight. actually for all of us, it will be a process of unlearning.

but ultimately, the process, the journey itself is rewarding. because you will find yourself worrying less and less about being alone.

and dont beat yourself up if the loneliness bites. if suddenly the night breeze (or a/c) makes you long for a warm embrace. again, it's a process. old habits die hard.

in my journey, my first step is to conquer that fear of going out alone: shopping at the mall, or watching a movie or even eating out. it really is that consciousness of how people will perceive this 40-ish guy doing things all by himself. for some, eating alone is the loneliest. and i used to feel that way. but not anymore, not for a long time. im so comfortable being with myself, savoring that great meal or the luscious dessert with coffee. it is actually quite liberating once you get over the discomfort. and you wont even notice anymore if 'other people' notice. it just wont matter.

and come to think of it, this little advice holds also for those in relationships. it is an exercise in becoming less dependent on your partner and cultivating that relationship again with yourself that one so easily loses in the face of romance.

just a little thought from cc, the singularity :-)

50 *$#@!@ Comments

wow. a personal record. first time ever that a post of mine had this many comments. i feel like a mini-mgg. LOL. it had to take the combined referral power of the fabcasters' blogs to achieve this. thanks, raiders and readers for the wonderful comments.

kung baga sa takilya, blockbuster post etoh!

a lot of the comments were very heart-warming (and ego-inflating for all of us). but really, that wasn/t the intention. i just thought it was a nice email thread when we were going through that. something worth sharing. and in a sense, it was actually poking fun at ourselves and our delusions of grandeur.

when i read through those referring to cc, some of them are flattering but also intimidating! i don't think i could level up to those perceptions of cc. and for one or two of those, that may have actually happened. some comments felt they came from one who expected much from the virtual fabcasters yet reality became a downer.

but really, thanks so much everyone who read and commented!

sa totoo lang... ANG SAYA-SAYA!

the June SOCA

thanks, dear fellow fabcasters, for a wonderful weekend!

it was the first time for ALL fabcasters to be present in an out of town trip, with migs back in town again. we were joined by friends from the peanut gallery and some new (for me) faces from mggff.

what makes me want to post was when migs accosted me with the query: what's up with you, cc? all these things happening to you, you sound... desperate. is it because time is running out for you? i mean, getting old will surely catch up with how you look.

trust migs, and the rest of the fabcasters, to surely catch me off guard. they never fail. so there i was groping for answers. and frankly, the things that i mouthed off i wasnt so sure of. it's not as if i've been doing these things and analyzing and dissecting my motivations. but heck, that provoked me to ponder on the query and come up with a SOCA: state of cc address

friends and raiders. the posts of the past months in various online sources must have puzzled, confused and discombobulated some of you. so i earnestly try to lay out what i have been up to lately.

i have been dating a few nice people. they are nice enough to hang out with me and i enjoy their company.

i also have been meeting and on a few occasions, mating (LOL) some new grindrees. grindr has actually strengthened my resolve to be in the best shape possible, if only to make sure that when they meet the real thing, my virtual to real ratio would be 1. (my torso profile pic just like here)

i am obviously having fun and enjoying my singularity. (love this physics term) i choose not to commit because i don't want to give up this freedom.

is this something new to cc? not really. even before blogging, i have been one to indulge, again on occasion, in recreational sex. i would control this when i was still in a relationship. but when the relationship was going south, i let go of the restraining order.

so what's new? at first thought, i would have said nothing. but now i realize that what changed is my new attitude towards recreational sex in the light of my faith. i have slowly extricated that catholic guilt so firmly entwined in my system. i have started to relax about it and just enjoy adult consensual sex.

with that change came technology (grindr), access became easier. my perceived improvements in fitness have led to even better confidence. and with a little less stress in work and personal projects, there was more dating time available. a perfect storm of opportunity i am now taking advantage of.

i am proverbially striking while the iron is hot. and i have stopped apologizing for it.

it finally dawned on me. life is too short to have guilt weigh me down.

admission is free

WARNING: EMO POST

my official statement for the past two years has been: ive moved on. i feel no rancor, no bitterness. i wish him well. i was hoping we'd stay as friends. i dont know why he refuses my friendship.

we'd still bump into each other at the activities of the barkada. i would sense his presence and immediately, would just avoid crossing paths. that meant being mindful of where he was and wasn't, or where his partner was or wasn't, too. and he would avoid me too. but we could co-exist in that same time-space, and just ignore each other.

the extreme situation was that out-of-town activity last year.

as much as i love that barkada and enjoy their company, i've started to shy away. there are times i'd like to play badminton with them again but...

and yet i stuck to my official statement.

not until yesterday did i finally admit to myself that

i avoid him because i still am angry at him. i hate the way he lied to me all those years. i hate that to the very end, he was denying his relationship with the guy. only to end up as partners to this day. i hate that he is still holding up the process for asset turn-over.

i hate his guts.

glee-come-lately

ive just finished episode 1, as in the pilot, and im hooked. well at least season 1 just ended with episode 21. so 20 more episodes to go.

with this pilot, i found myself touched about what emma showed will as she convinced him not to go. his shining moment years ago. the greatest moment. his happiest moment. because he loved what he was doing.

im hard-pressed trying to recall my shining moment. hmmm. id have to say it was receiving that distinction award for my mba. and delivering that 'valedictory address' for my class.

ive been one of the luckier ones when it comes to grades. but i was never number one. 2nd honors in grade school. salutatorian in high. with honors in university. early in my university life, i aspired for 'higher honors' but i let it go. i felt i wanted to enjoy my life then and not be enslaved by books and studying. i regret that sometimes. only because i felt i didnt push myself enough.

which is why i decided to change my attitude when i was working. i was and still am always pushing for better or even best, aiming for more, challenging status quo. i am so passionate about what i do. which is why i still am at it after 20 years.

the company sponsored my executive mba quite a while back. my attitude towards studying had become radically different. i was challenged to just give it all. to study well, study hard. trivia = that was where i met the famous mgg.

of course, the playing field was very different. it was the top-ranked mba school in the country. i was up against seasoned, brilliant managers and executives from different industries, multinational and national companies. and that just challenged me more.

it was quite a feat: juggling my studies, completing the thesis work AND managing a multi-million company, all within prescribed period. we have a drop out rate of 60%.

and when i finally heard from my professor-mentor that i was getting that distinction award... oh wow, i could hardly breathe. it was a long, arduous trek to that point.

then i had to make my speech. i wracked my brains for something concise yet meaningful, insightful.

in the end, my response was the shortest, elicited the laughter and the best ovation. my mom and dad were on hand to witness that.

back at work, no more big applause, no more citations. i am just being measured against financial metrics that i have to beat year in and year out. but i still feel so motivated. because the competitive environment just keeps on changing. and i want to ride the wave and not just follow.

i guess i have learned to internalize that recognition. in the absence of the thundering applause is a quiet voice that tells me that i've done good, i have achieved my goals and i smile.

and the best part, no one can take that voice away from me. they can take away the awards, the pat on the back, heck even the money. but that voice remains in me.

Who'd Be Scared of An intimi-DATE with a Fabcaster?

I got the permission of some of the fabcasters to publish this email thread. It shows what fabcasters do on a dateless weekend! LOL

feel free to act, react dear raiders! what do you think?

Saturday, 22 May, 2010, 12:55:15 PM
From: Migs the Manila Gay Guy

Hello Fabcasters,

Let's fabcast while I'm in Manila next week! Our topic is: SINGLEHOOD!

Isipin ninyo na what spin we can give to this topic, or if you have any idea how to make it more interesting.

Game?

Let me know too your best schedule for the recording.

Saturday, 22 May, 2010, 3:26:27 PM
From: Tony

Guys let's sched this properly at start na ng shoot nila next week (already started shooting this week at locations near/ within manila) and I want to be there... additionally medyo gearing up ang renovation ... :P

my take: singlehood: why do a lot of people say I'm incapable of being single (ie when i told people that i am single, they reply with "but for how long"). ><

Saturday, 22 May, 2010, 5:33:17 PM
From: Mcvie

Ay, baliktad tayo, Tony. When I tell people I'm single, they reply with, "For SO long?!" AHAHAHAHAHA!

Saturday, 22 May, 2010, 6:57:14 PM
From: corporate closet

GAME AKO SA TOPIC. TWO YEARS SINGLE. AND COUNTING. oh di ba? all caps pa? since all the fabcasters are single (tama ba??), perfect topic.

masyado bang mataas ang standards ng fabcasters for jowa material? hehe

on grindr, a raider messaged me. fan ko daw sa blog. and he wants to meet up but 'he is scared'. megaknown. when probed. he thinks he is so ordinary compared to my 'fab life'. are we scaring them off now? LOL. eh ano pa kaya ang isang megastar na mgg? or star for all seasons na gibbs? or diamond star na mcvie? BWAHAHA

yun lang.

p.s. pass ako sa mggff may 29 parteh. i have another parteh on that night. :-(

Saturday, 22 May, 2010, 7:06 PM
From: Mcvie

Is FAME preventing us from having a love life? Is singlehood the price of fame? Shet, ganito pala ang feeling ng nag-iisang Sharon, o Vilma, o Maricel.


Teka, teka lang. EH LAHAT SILA MAY LABLAYF EH! (Maricel's got a long-time GF.) Hahaha!

Saturday, 22 May, 2010, 7:28:48 PM
From: Tony

Wahaha... Honest opinion? We have high standards (a least most of us do) and to be honest we are intimidating (each in his own right) IF they know what we do an what our backgounds are....

I always hear that, we are intimidating... So what does one do? I usually dumb down my achievements at the start and when a person is comfortable eh pakonti-konti nila nalalaman. Not so intimidating anymore kasi kilala na yung person behind the 'face' PAK! achieve na achieve!
Sent from my iPhone

Saturday, 22 May, 2010, 4:44 AM,
From: Mcvie

Shet, I should drop anyone who has read my blog or knows of the Fabcasters, HAHAHA!

Buh, buh, I'm like sooo not intimating, kaya! Haller. I'm like so down-to-earth, I'm practically lupa. Yuh.

Saturday, 22 May, 2010, 5:03 PM
From: Migs the Manila Gay Guy

POTAH! Tawa ako ng tawa ditey! Parang fabcast on e-mail itu!

Sunday, May 23, 2010 12:26:58 AM
From: Gibbs

kayo lahat intimidating, ako lang ang hindeh! hindeeeh!

Sunday, May 23, 2010 1:03:33 AM
From: Tony

ay! i beg to differ.... once you start "interviewing" people during a normal conversation and make them become introspective eh intimidating ka. Wahaha.
actually here are our intimidating factors the way i see it....

1. mgg: comes off as very opinionated and direct to the point, also inquisitive = almost stern in his opinions (but the opposite is in fact true and actually wants to be challenged, which ironically is in itself intimidating rin)
2. gibbs: inquisitive and makes one think introspectively. might be seen as prying and scares people kasi some people aren't ready to answer questions about themselves.
3. mcvie: sharp wit with a dash of flamboyant (not flaming flamboyant, pero flamboyant ang mga hirit). Might be seen as being glass half empty rather than a half full kind of guy.
4. cc: successful + achieves things if he puts his mind to it + flirty = unable to commit
5. aj: bitch. period. Hahaha

of course these are very shallow observations that people can make at first glance... pero then again, first impressions last.

O ha! (in a very nasal voice)

Sunday, May 23, 2010 at 6:36 AM
From: Mcvie

Shet! Na-intimidate ako sa analysis ni Tony.

Sunday, May 23, 2010 10:09:58 AM
From: AJ

Sorry naman delayed reply, parang menstruation ko lang - delayed (I might be pregnant).

On singlehood, Ive been single for a year and a half. There are so many reasons why, but it all boils down to me being too lazy to go through the motions of dating. When I tell people I've been single for quite a time now, they respond with a resounding WHY? Ang sagot ko lang is, "because even if I like tamod, I'm tamad." Pero I agree na matataas nga standards natin. Para ano pa't naging magaganda tayo kung hindi naman natin gagamitin ang kagandahan natin. Char!

Intimidating nga naman ang Fabcasters. Feeling ko one perception that people who don't know us personally is that we are intimidating prospects, prospects talaga (at least na-consider). I know many think of us as a fun group but when it all boils down to us as individuals, naloloka na sila.

Tony, I'm not a bitch! I'm just overly honest! Haha.

Sunday, May 23, 2010 10:46:05 AM
From: Tony

ay oo nga teh!
It's not mean if it's true. Dabah lang? :D

Sunday, May 23, 2010 10:47:35 AM
From: McVie

My god, if this was on Twitter we'd be a trending topic.

aphrodisiac

'from down here, you look like coco martin', he tells me, in between gasps for air

im thinking 'this one must be on drugs' as im shoving it down his throat. he really seemed to be enjoying blowing me off. with eyes wide open.

'just dont cum in my mouth' he pleads, but still getting his mouthfuls

im straddling him, as i give it to him. and before long, i pull it out and shoot all over his chest. 't**g ina' i murmur

he cums too and moans in delight.

i lie down beside him, but not before giving him my shirt to wipe all the spunk on his chest. he cuddles up beside me.

'ive never enjoyed giving head as much' he whispers. i chuckle.

'yours is just right. not too big.'

bubble thought: 'is this guy actually insulting me?'

'seriously. i like sucking you. never had as much fun.'

i didnt want to end up here. he's not bad looking. but i was just tired and i felt that lil cc down there wont respond.

i was hoping he felt the same way. that he didnt find me attractive enough. then it would have been 'see you soon'.

but he had other plans. made me sit beside him on the sofa, and started giving me a back massage. and for a guy who just finished working out, that was most welcome. and even if i wasnt as into him, i just let myself enjoy the massage.

'uhmm, i may not respond ok? it's age. and im quite tired.'

'or did you have such a naughty weekend?' he asks, teasingly

'well, that too.' recalling the no of times i actually came from saturday to sunday.

his hands found my crotch. and though limp at first, his caress just felt good enough to get a reaction, an erection.

'im not really in the mood. id be a bad partner'

'shhh. you talk too much. just lie down there, okay? you dont have to do anything.'

soon he was on top of me, working on my chest, my navel and finally...

just when i thought id soon have dysfunction there because he wasnt really my type, i found myself enjoying his service.

he left looking googoo eyed. uh-oh. hope he doesnt start to get romantic notions.

alone now, im processing what happened.

this is true recreational sex. but not half as fun. because i wasnt that into him. but it wasnt a charity thing, either. what would have been a recipe for surefire erectile dysfunction didnt turn out as bad. i guess it's all that affirmation from him. it was enough to fuel the drive. an aphrodisiac for a vain, insecure me.