Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Singularity


That singlehood email and consequent post and fabcast reinforced my sentiment that alone does not equal lonely.

but it surely doesnt feel that way when you are alone in your house or unit, while all your coupled friends are out on dates or consumed by various 'couple' activities.

and id like to think that this is because of all the years of 'indoctrination' that we have received from everywhere that romantic love is the only reason for happiness. that there is no substitute for that. everything else is a poor second to being in a relationship.

years upon years of exposure in media, in church, in all those social institutions have served to reinforce this paradigm. so much so that we invest our whole lives searching for the one, a holy grail that will ultimately be our happiness.

this is confounded by the idea that "other people" will look at us single people and label us as ultimately unsuccessful because we are not in relationships. kawawa naman siya, magaling or maganda or (supply positive adjective here) naman kaso single.

two fears here: fear of being alone and fear of being seen alone.

i can't accept the fact that my happiness depends on someone else. and living a life alone is a life of failure and depression.

and when i look at my life right now, heck, i'm actually happy.

embracing singularity then is really an uphill battle against all that programming. for those of you recently single, the pangs of loneliness won't disappear overnight just because of one insight. actually for all of us, it will be a process of unlearning.

but ultimately, the process, the journey itself is rewarding. because you will find yourself worrying less and less about being alone.

and dont beat yourself up if the loneliness bites. if suddenly the night breeze (or a/c) makes you long for a warm embrace. again, it's a process. old habits die hard.

in my journey, my first step is to conquer that fear of going out alone: shopping at the mall, or watching a movie or even eating out. it really is that consciousness of how people will perceive this 40-ish guy doing things all by himself. for some, eating alone is the loneliest. and i used to feel that way. but not anymore, not for a long time. im so comfortable being with myself, savoring that great meal or the luscious dessert with coffee. it is actually quite liberating once you get over the discomfort. and you wont even notice anymore if 'other people' notice. it just wont matter.

and come to think of it, this little advice holds also for those in relationships. it is an exercise in becoming less dependent on your partner and cultivating that relationship again with yourself that one so easily loses in the face of romance.

just a little thought from cc, the singularity :-)

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

i can see things more clearly when i'm alone that is why i prefer to be. find happiness in yourself before you can share it...

a dubai reader

Felipe said...

You don't need to be alone naman. You still got friends to hang out with. Lagi kami nasa powerplant mall kapag saturday. you can hang out with us kung wala kang hada... este, date. LOL.

joelmcvie said...

I find it hard to unlearn my singularity. =)

But maybe it's not about unlearning, but keeping my existing knowledge and let new knowledge in.

Anonymous said...

how about growing old alone? don't you fear it, cc? i'd like to hear your thoughts on that too....

Jay Quiambao said...

i eat alone. :)

Ming Meows said...

ako naman baligtad. ang challenge ko sa sarili is how to open up and mingle with lots of people. make acquaintances and true friends. yung pag-open up pa lang, mahirap na.

JohnM said...

Wow! I find this very soothing to read. This is exactly why a very fanatic CC raider like me (Ugh! There's that term again!) cannot stop following your blog. True, minsan may pagka-censored minsan ang mga posts (Sorry nagpapaka-MIGS lang, pareho kami ng idealism eh). Pero yung mga posts na ganito - these are filled with so much of your wisdom. These words of wisdom are one of the many reasons why young fanatic readers like me are hooked up to your blog. Sana you can rummage deeper into your closet so you can share more of life's lessons to us. By the way, just thinking out loud: Kung ang mga fabcasters fanatics ay nagkaroon na ng get-together, kelan naman kaya magkakaroon ng party ang mga CC Raiders? Hmmm...?

marathonsex said...

Show me a single man working on his vision, catching his dreams and pursuing his goals in life and i will point to you a man who may be alone but not necessarily lonely. Once you've found this man, pakilala nyo naman ako. Baka bagay kami. : )

Anonymous said...

sabi nga ni Barbra, people who needs people are the luckiest people daw. siguro lucky akong masyado dahil i need people:)

drew said...

I am not lonely.

The falling leaf

understands my solitude.

joey said...

great post!. i am all but alone in my unit and i dont find that odd or even miserable.

thanks!