Wednesday, June 9, 2010
That singlehood email and consequent post and fabcast reinforced my sentiment that alone does not equal lonely.
but it surely doesnt feel that way when you are alone in your house or unit, while all your coupled friends are out on dates or consumed by various 'couple' activities.
and id like to think that this is because of all the years of 'indoctrination' that we have received from everywhere that romantic love is the only reason for happiness. that there is no substitute for that. everything else is a poor second to being in a relationship.
years upon years of exposure in media, in church, in all those social institutions have served to reinforce this paradigm. so much so that we invest our whole lives searching for the one, a holy grail that will ultimately be our happiness.
this is confounded by the idea that "other people" will look at us single people and label us as ultimately unsuccessful because we are not in relationships. kawawa naman siya, magaling or maganda or (supply positive adjective here) naman kaso single.
two fears here: fear of being alone and fear of being seen alone.
i can't accept the fact that my happiness depends on someone else. and living a life alone is a life of failure and depression.
and when i look at my life right now, heck, i'm actually happy.
embracing singularity then is really an uphill battle against all that programming. for those of you recently single, the pangs of loneliness won't disappear overnight just because of one insight. actually for all of us, it will be a process of unlearning.
but ultimately, the process, the journey itself is rewarding. because you will find yourself worrying less and less about being alone.
and dont beat yourself up if the loneliness bites. if suddenly the night breeze (or a/c) makes you long for a warm embrace. again, it's a process. old habits die hard.
in my journey, my first step is to conquer that fear of going out alone: shopping at the mall, or watching a movie or even eating out. it really is that consciousness of how people will perceive this 40-ish guy doing things all by himself. for some, eating alone is the loneliest. and i used to feel that way. but not anymore, not for a long time. im so comfortable being with myself, savoring that great meal or the luscious dessert with coffee. it is actually quite liberating once you get over the discomfort. and you wont even notice anymore if 'other people' notice. it just wont matter.
and come to think of it, this little advice holds also for those in relationships. it is an exercise in becoming less dependent on your partner and cultivating that relationship again with yourself that one so easily loses in the face of romance.
just a little thought from cc, the singularity :-)
Posted by closet case at 3:04 PM