YOF (Year of Faith) Updates

In this ripe, old age of mine, it may be quite pathetic that I have come to this realization just now, a consequence of my YOF review: Being gay is truly central to who I am as a person. It is not just another role, like brother or friend or even boss. Much of what I have accomplished and become is because of the way my homosexuality has interplayed with the other aspects of my life.

I can no longer relegate it to minor status. I cannot ignore nor deny what being gay has made me. I have developed humility, compassion, empathy, love, patience, kindness because of my experiences as a gay man. I have enriched my life with art, culture, laughter and friendship because I am a gay man.

With this realization, I now have to look at how my 'religion' and 'faith' would integrate into my life now, moving forward.

I believe God, the Father, created me this way. This is no accident. "God doesn't play dice" Einstein was once quoted as saying. So I believe that being gay, and all that comes with it (including consensual homosexual sex) cannot be an abomination.

In a little chamber in my soul where I communicate with Him, this is what He tells me. This is between Him and me, particular with the Son aspect of God, whom I know as Jesus Christ. He looks at my life, looks at all my steps and missteps and tells me that being gay is not a misstep. He points out all the other mistakes (sins) that I have committed - the lies, the callous attitude, the conceit, and tells me 'now that's baaad'. And yet He smiles. And yet He embraces me. So as I exit that chamber, He tells me to go 'merrily along and sin no more'. He knows I'll be back. And He'll say, 'oops you did it again.' Jesus has a funny bone.

You can't imagine the peace that comes with that realization. But this is just the first of many other realizations. And truth be told, this didn't just happen through some deep rumination. He engineered it. Let me tell you how...

In college, I knew this guy, batchmates of blockmates of mine. So sometimes, I hang out with them and their sosi barkada. Our parents know each other so I knew him a bit more. I thought he was quite... un-straight.. but who was I to judge? hihihi

Anyway, fast forward to more recent times, as my parents became even closer to his parents in their volunteer work. And through them I heard that he had become a Catholic Jesuit priest based abroad! That I didn't ever expect. I thought he would become a doctor.

And it just so happened that he was in town for the holidays. He was celebrating mass at the chapel nearby. So I made it a point to hear mass there a few days back. Wow, he looked great! He looked young, ever smiling. He looked so peaceful. And he was so glad when I approached him to say hi.

We exchanged numbers and managed to squeeze in brunch recently. And though we were never really close previously, suddenly we were conversing like good old friends. And part of that conversation was me just outrightly saying "I'm gay". And in that context, we got to talk about RH bill and finally, my own issues about being gay in the Catholic Church. (He mentioned that he noticed I didn't receive communion.)

And he was the one who told me to get into that little chamber in my soul, which the Church would call "conscience", and confront God there, stripped of all the doctrinal, papal pronouncements and dictations. And he told me that THAT is the heart of the church anyway. And the church is MY Church, it's nobody else's church.

Yes, it was what I wanted to hear. But it was also what he has been telling so many other people who have the same questions as mine. And hearing him say that just affirmed how loved and blessed I have always felt, by Him above.

Serendipitous. Wonderfully serendipitous. Or.. all according to plan. His plan.

2012 is ending on such a high note in so many ways.



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in-between

I'm in between relationships. Just like the way they say about jobs. I'm in transition. Despite my poor track record, I know I will be back in a relationship again. Because I like being in one. I just can't seem to stay in one for long.

I like the romantic rush. Heck, I'm probably addicted to it. But beyond that, I do like being in a relationship, even as the dust settles and the oohs and ahhhs start to become ... regular. I'd like to think that while I am in one, I give it my all. I don't hold back. I like the responsibility of maintaining one, including the little, everyday things Babe, I'll drop you off at your work. Babe, you work too hard. Take your meds so the fever will go away. etc. etc.

So I know soon enough I'll be in one again. I will be going through it again. And I will be so into it, again.

But with this comes that nagging fear that the pattern will re-emerge. When the responsibilities become obligations. When the oohs and ahhhs with someone else becomes so much more attractive, and tempting. And I will cause pain again. (Though sometimes I give myself too much credit in the ability to cause pain. I'm not THAT irreplaceable or indispensible.)

So I guess that's the difference in my in-between state right now. A fear that soon enough, I will be back to my own devices.

But someone witty enough just answered with...

Let's burn the bridge when we get there.

His eyes wide shut.

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cc quickie: Luc who?

I have had some raiders ask me, ikaw ba si Lucas? Well, Luc or Lucas is me and not me. I've molded some of my experiences into his life. Some were endings as it happened. Some were endings I wish had happened. And finally, some were endings I feared would happen. All mashed up into a character, an outlet.

Lucas has a life of his own now. But somewhere in there, you will still read some aspect of cc's life, fantasies and fears.


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Carlito 30, John 8

"Good morning, sis. Nakatulog ka ba?" palapit si Roel sa sofa kung saan natutulog si Lucas. Nagising na rin siya.

"Hello." Nag-unat muna si Lucas bago naupo mula sa pagkakahiga.

"Di rin masyado akong nakatulog. Pero, sis, salamat for letting me in. Ang dami ko pang gamit dun sa bahay. Di ko mahakot. Shit, baka sunugin nga ni Carl."

"Hindi naman siguro. Alam mo naman yang asawa mo, puro kahol."

"Ex, sis, Ex ko. I hope hindi nga. May topak yun eh."

"Anyway, wag mo munang isipin. May breakfast na ako, kaso cereals lang. Alam mo naman ang sister mo, naka-diet!" nagpatawa ng bahagya si Roel. At gumaang rin ang hangin.

"Salamat, teh. I'll look for a place agad. Promise."

"Wala yun. Pero sorry talagang hanggang tonight ka lang pwede dito, ha? Bukas darating kapatid ko mula sa province..."

"Ok lng, teh. Nakakahiya nga sa iyo. Kapatid ba yan o booking?" nagtawanan ang dalawa.

Tinext niya si John. "Ei, can i kol?"

Matagal bago sumagot si John. "Hi. later n. Work p aq. Txt kta."

Ngayon pa lang siya nakapagtext kay John mula nung gulo. Hindi man niya nakamusta. Ano kayang nangyari sa kanya pagka-alis ng taxi? Siguro galit sa kanya yun. Ang laking kahihiyan ang dinulot nila.

Tumawag siya kay Tere. "Hello, Tere. Si Luc 'to."

"Hello! Oh, nasaan ka? Hanap ka na ni Boss."

"Pakisabi mag emergency leave ako. Hanggang bukas."

"Ha? Naku ngayon pa! Ang init ng ulo ngayon. Anong sasabihin ko?"

"Bahala ka na, Tere. Magulo buhay ko ngayon. Ayusin ko lang."

"Sus! Ano na naman yan, Luc? Hindi ka na nawalan ng gulo. Hindi naman sa family?"

"Hindi, tungkol kay Carl."

"Ha? Naku? Anong nangyari sa inyo?"

"Malaking gulo. Wala na kami..."

"Ay wait... tinatawag na ako ni Von.."

"Ok, sige, bahala ka na. Please."

"Sige, sige... bye."


Ang malaking problema ngayon ay ang paghanap ng lilipatan. At ang paghakot ng ibang gamit. Wag naman sana tuparin ni Carlito ang pagsunog sa gamit niya. Naghanap agad siya online, nagtanung-tanong. Buti na lang, may isang kaibigan siyang naghahanap ng roommate.

Ayaw man niyang makisama sa isang kwarto lang ngunit mapipilitan siya. Nakipagayos siya na tatlong buwan lang. At maghahanap pa rin siya ng iba na solo niya ang kwarto. Buti pumayag rin si Joey sa arrangement. Dadalhin lang niya ang mattress. Ang ibang gamit niya, dadalhin niya sa mga pinsan muna sa Cavite.

Nagdadalawang isip siya kung itetext niya si Carlito. Ngunit kailangan niyang makuha ang mga gamit niya. Tinext na lang niya si Rene. "Helo rene. c luc eto. can i kol?"

Dumating agad ang sagot. "Kapal mo rin 2 txt me. wat do u want?"

Nilakasan niya ang loob at tinawagan na.

"Hello, Rene?"

"What? Di ka pa kuntento sa gulong ginawa mo?"

"Look, I just want to ask a favor. Please ask Carl when I can get the rest of my stuff."

"Di ba sunog na?"

"Rene, please, tell him naman walang ganunan. I'm moving out naman. Please find out if nandun pa gamit ko."

"Luc, tang-ina talaga yung ginawa mo. You've hurt Carl so much."

"I know. At lalayas na ako. Nandun pa kaya ang gamit ko? Makukuha ko pa kaya?"

"Maski ginago mo si Carl, disenteng tao siya. Di katulad mo."

"Please, favor lang Rene. Pakitanong if I can get it tomorrow. Para mawala na ako sa buhay niya."

"Ok. This is the last I will hear from you."

"Yes, pramis. Salamat, Rene."

Hapon na nung nagtext si Rene. "Get ur stuf tom 2-6pm."

Gabi na ng nagtext naman si John sa kanya. "Ei. tawag n u"

"Hey John. Kamusta na?"

"Ikaw kaya ang kamusta. Buhay ka pa?"

"Eto naman. Sorry, John. Nasangkot ka pa sa gulo."

"Yeah. Ok lang yun. Pucha, nakakahiya yun nangyari."

"Oo nga. Sorry talaga."

"Anong nangyari sa inyo?"

"Wala na kami. Nung gabi ring yon. Nakipaghiwalay na si Carlito."

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"Kailangan na ring matapos, di ba? Ayoko na rin. Napagod na ako."

"Well, wala na bang pag-asang magka-ayos kayo?"

"Wala na. I don't want na rin."

"Ok. If you say so. Hey, paalis na ako ng office. Text-text, okay?"

"Yeah, sure. Ingat pauwi. Bye."

Parang nanibago si Lucas sa kanilang pag-uusap ni John. Parang iba ang pakiramdam ni John. Nagalit kaya talaga si John sa kanya? Hmmm.

Hindi niya muna inisip ng husto. Pinlano niya muna ang pagkuha ng mga gamit bukas.


Nagpatulong na lang siya kay Roel upang maghakot. Hindi pa nga sinunog ni Carlito. Pero lahat ng mga damit, sapatos at iba pang gamit niya tinambak na lang sa labas ng bahay.

Marami siyang iniwan na. Yung TV, yung gas stove. Maski nga yung kama, pundar niya yun. May mga dekorasyon rin siyang iniwan. Hinayaan na niya kay Carlito etong mga gamit. Gusto na rin niyang kalimutan ang masalimuot nilang samahan.

Halos alas sais y media na rin sila natapos. At isang huling pagcheck. Nilapag niya ang susi sa may sala. At lumabas at sinara ang pinto.

At dun niya na naramdaman ang lubhang kalungkutan. At umiyak na rin siya sa kotse, sa tabi ni Roel. Humagulgol. Dun pa lang niya nalubos maisip ang nasira niyang relasyon. Ang tinipon na mahigit dalawang taon rin.

"Dapat masaya ako, Rene. Dapat hindi ako umiiyak. Eto naman ang ginusto ko. Bakit ang sakit rin? Bakit ang bigat?"

"Kapatid, minahal mo si Carlito. Mahal mo pa naman, di ba? Dun nanggagaling ang sakit. Hindi madaling isara ang pinto ng pagmamahal."

"Oo, Roel. Hindi pala madali. Masaya naman kami nung umpisa. Ako lang talaga ang nagkaproblema."

"Huwag ganyan. It takes two to tango. Hindi rin perfect si Carlito. Oo at may fault ka. Pero hindi lang ikaw ang sumira sa relasyon niyo."

Tuloy ang pagtulo ng luha ni Lucas.

"Ano, Luc, okay ka na? Gusto mong may puntahan muna?"

"Hindi kapatid, okay na ako. Diretso na lang tayo dun sa apartment ni Joey. Ibaba ko na ang ibang gamit. Tapos dun na sa house mo."

"Sige, kapatid."


Naka-adjust naman si Lucas na maki-roommate muna kay Joey. Mabait at tahimik lang siya. May pagka-nerd. Mahilig pa rin sa games. At pagbabasa. Kaya nagkakasundo rin naman sila. Paminsan-minsan, pag-gabi nagkukuwentuhan sila tungkol sa mga nangyari. Hindi kasi sila gaanong close nuon. Kasi, hindi rin naman niya type si Joey. Pero ngayon, ang laking utang na loob niya sa kanya at kinukupkop siya agad. Kaya minabuti niya na maging kaibigan kay Joey.

May ilang araw na lumipas na hindi nagte-text si John sa kanya. Nagtaka na siya at tinawagan na si John. Pagkatapos ng ilang beses na pagsubok ay sinagot rin ni John ang telepono.

"Hey Luc."

"Huy. Kamusta ka na? Galit ka ba sa akin?" tanong ni Lucas kay John.

"Huh? Bakit naman ako magagalit sa iyo?"

"Siguro, dahil sa gulo na nangyari nuon. Sorry at nadamay ka."

"Ay wala yun. Hindi naman ako galit sa iyo."

"Eh bakit hindi ka na nag-contact sa akin? Matagal-tagal na rin na hindi tayo nagkita."

"Ahhh. Naging busy lang. Dami trabaho."

"Ah ok. Sigurado kang yun lang?" kinulit ni Lucas siya.

"Oo naman. Wala akong galit, Luc. Sige, Luc, may tatapusin pa ako na trabaho."

"Ahh. Ok. Sige. Nice to hear from you. Sana labas tayo uli."

"Yeah, yeah.. Bye."

Nagbago na talaga ang ihip ng hangin pagdating kay John. Ano kaya ang nangyari at tila malamig na siya. Parang walang gana.

At parang sagot sa tanong niya, dumating ang mga text ni John.

"Bro, sori pro beter n d tau mit. I tink hanap k ng kpalit ni Carl. d aq yun. Simple lng gus2 ko. Fun. No complications."

"Bro, yoko ng gulo. At yoko relationship. D aq ganun."

Nabigla si Lucas sa texts ni John. Kung kailan pa naman libre na siya. At libre na silang magkikita. Nahuhulog pa naman na siya kay John. At naiisip niya na magiging sila. Ang laking pagkakamali pala ng akala niya.

Gusto niya sanang awayin. Ngunit nagdalawang-isip siya. Tama nga naman si John. Dapat fun lang. NSA lang.

"k, jon. kala ko pa nmn tau na" yun lang ang sinagot niya.


At hindi na nag-reply si John.

Nawala na si Carlito. Nawala pa si John. Nagkaleche-leche na nga ang buhay niya.



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cc quickie: back to the daily grind?

Installed Grindr again. Did my prowling around. Nothing much has changed. Torso everywhere. But so is FB and twitter nowadays. Lol.

Prowling. Prowling. A few hit me up to chat, despite the scarcity of information on the profile. I said "hello" back. Then came the request for face pics.

And I realized I don't have the energy nor the patience to go through this again.

Closed the app.


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cc quickie: twinkie

i like my men hunky and muscled.  but methinks i need twinks, too.  they seem so bottom-able.  #derangedthoughts

Is this the Single Life?

Or is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide. No escape from reality.

(Twisted the lyrics to Queen's anthem.)

Weekends are different again. No schedules set. Just doing what feels right at the time. Last weekend was different. I was in Japan, leaving Kyoto for Tokyo.

Met up with an old friend. Well, an old blogpost. hehe. He still looked great and young. Of course the dynamics now are totally different from the last time I was with him in Osaka two years back. Back then, we were in that in-between stage. And only because he was in a relationship. We never had an affair. We didn't even have sex. Yet we spent enough intimate moments to know that if things were different, we could have been.

Now we are just friends, ribbing each other. Hardly even talking about that period in our lives. But I know he will always have the special soft spot somewhere in me.

After dinner, I got to ride the shinkansen, the bullet train, from Kyoto to Tokyo. It had airplane-like amenities. And the 2.5hr trip seemed really fast. While on the train, I went through emo again, playing my super-emo break-up playlist. But I snapped out of it as I arrived in Tokyo.

I was welcomed by two friends I have met through my online persona. And they accompanied me to the hotel for check-in, before proceeding to the gay area - Shinkuku Nichome.

We went from Advocates to Dragon Men and just enjoyed the music, the booze and the eye candy. Both those bars are frequented by foreigners. Locals don't seem to be attracted to Pinoys. Being single, I started to feel the rush, and the pressure, to hook up again. And it seemed that there was almost a chance with this local who was looking my way. But it was only on our way out did we get a chance to talk. He turned out to be Thai. And it ended with a handshake.

The rest of the short stay in Tokyo was walking and snapping pics of the usual tourist haunts including Ginza, Shibuya and the Hachiko statue, Akahibara, Harajuku and the Meiji temple, Etc. Too much walking for me. My flat feet started to hurt. As in super painful. And the cold weather didn't help. Negative during certain times of the night.

I met up with a raider, then my kumpare. And that completed the journey. Moments when acquaintances transformed into friendships. I will always be grateful for having met them.

Back to reality now in dear, hot Manila. And free time during weekends to reacquaint with my self. Then in between, the dating game will commence. And perhaps, I will have the chance to practice my line "Hey, I'm not Mr. Right. I'm just Mr. Right Now."

Single life, it is.

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Carlito 29, John 7

Nahabol ni Rene si Carlito upang awatin. Pinagtitinginan na sila ng mga tao sa Metrowalk.

Ngunit hindi na niya mapigilan ng lapitan ni Carlito si John, na nakaupo pa rin sa harap ng taxi. Binuksan niya ang pinto at pinilit na hilahin palabas.

"Sino ka? Who the fuck are you? Saan kayo pupunta ka, puta ka!?" sigaw ni Carlito.

Hindi makasagot si John, nabigla. Ngunit hindi siya lumabas ng taxi. Nahila naman ni Lucas at Rene si Carlito palayo.

"John, umalis na kayo! Go!" sumigaw na rin si Lucas. "at ikaw.." habang humaharap kay Carlito "Shut up! Nakakahiya!"

Naisara ni John ang pinto. At naka-andar na ang taxi palayo.

Humarap na si Carlito kay Lucas, kumawala sa kapit ni Rene.

"I dont fucking care about them! So totoo nga! May kabit ka nga!" sigaw ni Carlito.

"Uy, Carl, calm down!" pahintulot ni Rene. "Please lumayo na tayo!"

"Just Shut up, Carl!" at hinila na nila Rene at Lucas palayo si Carl, papuntang parking area. Hiyang-hiya na siya sa iskandalo na kanilang ginagawa sa tapat ng Starbucks.

Nag-umpisa ng umiyak si Carlito. "Sabi ko na nga ba... sabi ko na nga ba.... Umamin ka na. Tama na ang pagloloko."

Tangan-tangan na ni Rene si Carlito. Nanghihina na siya habang naglalakad papuntang kotse ni Lucas. Nag-umpisa na naman ang asthma niya. Buti na lang ay dala niya ang inhaler.

"Umupo ka muna sa loob" ang sabi ni Lucas, habang binubukas niya ang pinto.

Hindi pumasok sa loob si Carlito at sumandal na lang sa kotse. Humithit sa inhaler para makahinga nga mabuti.

"Ano? Sumagot ka, Luc."

Hindi handa si Lucas sa mga tanong na eto. Umiikot pa rin ang utak niya sa bilis ng mga pangyayari. At nakainom na rin siya kaya hindi na niya napigilan ang kanyang bibig.

"Oo na. Oo na." tumutungo na lang siya.

"Gano na katagal, ha? Gaano na katagal mo akong niloloko?" unti-unting humihinay na ang boses ni Carlito.

"Carl... it's not like that. Magkaibigan lang kami."

"Bullshit, Luc. Umamin ka na, babawiin mo pa? Please Luc, no more lies."

"It's not like we have anything. Puro fun lang."

"Puro sex lang? Ganun ba yun? Fuck buddy lang?"

"Something like that..." tumungo na lang siya. Alam ni Lucas na nagsisinungaling lang siya. Dahil yun ang kailangan marinig ni Carlito ngayon.

"Shit. Alam mo bang may nagsumbong sa akin ng pinag-gagawa mo? Stupid mysterious text. Ayaw kong maniwala. Akala ko okay na tayo. I'm so stupid."

"Nagtext?" Biglang kinabahan si Lucas. Sino kaya yun? May naninira sa kanya?

"Hindi ko siya kilala. But that's not the point. Pucha, eto na naman tayo. Eto na naman ako. Tatanga-tanga." tumutulo ng lang ang luha niya.

"I'm sorry, Babe..."

"Ako rin. Sorry for believing you. Trusting you again." Niyakap siya ni Rene. "Carl, aalis na ako. Kailangan niyong mag-usap, kayong dalawa lang."

"Rene, hintayin mo ako." at biglang tumayo si Carl.

"Hopeless ka na, Lucas. Hopeless na tayo. Ayoko na. Pagod na akong nagmumukhang tanga." Pinunasan ang mga luha.

"Carl, what do you mean?"

"You have your freedom back, Luc. Wala na akong magagawa para sa relasyon na 'to. It's over. Shit. It's over." diretsong tinignan ni Carlito si Lucas, na siyang umiiyak na rin.

"Pagbalik ko mamaya, I want all your stuff out. What I find there, susunugin ko."

"Carl! Ano ba? Let's talk about this!"

"Nothing to talk about. And I mean it. Ni anino mo ayokong makita. Putang-ina mo."

At lumayo na sila Carlito at Rene, iniwan ng nag-iisa si Lucas. At habang palayo sila, inakbayan ni Rene ang kaibigan.

"Kaya mo ba, kapatid?"

"Kakayanin, teh. Sawang-sawa na ko. Tama kayo lahat. Makati pa sa higad ang asawa ko."

"Eh totohanin mo ba yung pagpapalayas sa kanya?"

"Of course. I swear, susunugin ko yung gamit niya. Kung anong madatnan ko pa dun."

"At hindi dun magtatapos ang higante ko, teh. He's going to pay for all this pain."

Tumungo na lang sa pagsang-ayon ang kaibigan.



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Commitment Cemetery

"Here lies all the unfulfilled commitments and broken promises."

This is not an original thought. A friend mentioned 'commitment cemetery' instead of 'commitment ceremony'. We both found it hilarious, a Freudian slip, perhaps?

And I just realized: how appropriate.


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a fairytale. ending.

Once upon a time, there was a prince who lived in a kingdom far, far away.  He was a gallant, handsome young man, trained in the finer ways of the world.  His parents, the King and Queen, were so proud of him.  He was growing up in grace, and in time, he would be ready to rule the kingdom.

And as handsome princes go, many ladies from different kingdoms longed to be the princess by his side.  So, many balls were arranged for him to meet them all.  In one of those beautiful balls, he met this mysterious princess, and he was charmed.

Soon, he invited her over to his palace.  They talked and talked and found many things in common.  

They fell in love.  He called her my princess, and she called him her prince charming.  The engagement was finally announced.

The days that followed were pure bliss.  Days of togetherness, strolling in the gardens, riding horses, or simply enjoying sunsets at the balcony.  They were truly in love.

But such days were not meant to last.  Unknown to the prince, the princess had two souls - a bright, beautiful one and another: dark, evil, lustful.  

This was her deepest secret.  While one soul would be all good and loving, her other soul would be restless and mischievous and unfaithful.   And the battles of her two souls were tormenting her.

Her parents, aware of her struggle, put her away in a convent for years.  She learned to deal with her evil soul through prayers and sacrifices.  And for a while, it seemed like she succeeded.   

However, even as she enjoyed the beauty of true love in the arms of her prince charming, her evil soul re-awakened.  And on full moon evenings, as her prince lay peacefully in slumber, she would don a black hooded coat, and escape on a moonbeam.  She would do her dastardly deeds in the neighboring villages.  

The day of the wedding drew near.  She struggled and struggled to keep her evil soul from manifesting.  She sought more prayers, more rituals and incantations.  Yet just like clockwork when the moon was full, her evil soul would emerge.  And her good soul could not put up a fight.  

During one fateful night, as she was transforming, her prince charming awoke.  And he jumped out of the bed in fear at the sight of a witch in black on his bed.  The princess-witch, however, caught by surprise, froze by the moonlight.  

He approached her and pulled her hood.  And he understood.

Silver tears started streaming on her face as she slowly lifted her eyes to meet his.  With shame, she showed him her true color: her dark and evil soul.  Yet he still showed so much love, a love she would not understand nor deserve.

She looked at him and told him that all the love he had for her could not keep her from manifesting who she really was: both good and evil.  And for his benefit, and her peace, she bid him goodbye.  

She had grown tired of the daily battles of her twin souls.  And she could only accept this as her fate.  And though she pined for true love that would last eternity, that was something she would never have.

With one last kiss, she donned her cape and stepped on the moonbeam.  

And they didn't live happily ever after.

The End.

John 6, Carlito 28

Sinabi man niya sa sarili niyang hindi niya papansin ang text, nag-umpisang mag-imbestiga si Carlito tungkol sa mga gawain ng jowa. Ngunit wala naman siyang napapansin pang kakaiba. Hindi naman madalas nagpapaalam na lumabas, kahit officemates o barkada ang kasama. Nung minsan, sinilip niya ang cellphone messages. Wala rin namang kakaiba dun. Lumipas ang ilang araw at nalimutan na rin niya ang text na yun.

Hanggang nag-text uli ang Mystery Caller.

"di mo nababantayan jowa mo. lumalandi. dont be stupid"

Dali-dali niyang tinawagan ang numero. Hindi sumasagot. Nagpadala siya ng text.

"hus dis? y u doin dis?"

Wala na namang reply. Tahimik na naman. Nanggigil siya dahil hindi niya alam kung anong gagawin niya. Wala naman siyang napapansin na kakaiba. Talaga kayang ginagawang siyang stupid at tanga ni Lucas? Paano naman?

At parang script sa sine, nagtext si Lucas sa kanya.

"Babe, nagyaya d2. inuman daw. gagabihin ako."

Eto na kaya ang pagkakataon upang mahuli niya si Lucas?

"Sure babe. san gimik?"

"metrowalk daw." yun lamang ang sagot niya.

Ngunit nagplano na siya kung paano niya iimbestigahan si Lucas.


"Sir, inuman mamaya sa Metrowalk." bulong ng isang ahente, si Tom, sa kanya. At nagsenyas ng 'text' sa kanya.

Nangiti si Lucas sa imbitasyon. Siya lang kasi ang manager na iniimbita ng mga taga-field sa inuman. Siguro dahil matatanda na ang iba, at hindi kwelang kasama. Siya rin ang tumatayong 'kuya' nila, napaghihingahan ng mga sama ng loob sa iba't-ibang aspeto ng kanilang trabaho.

At naisip ni Lucas na eto rin ay isa na namang pagkakataon na makasama si John muli.

"ei, pwede k mmy?"

Mabilis ang reply ni John.

"l8 pa. may ot."

"k lng. inuman muna kmi. 10?"

"k. pano? san?"

"kta metrowalk."

"k. txt txt"

Nabuhayan na naman ng loob si Lucas. Matagal-tagal na rin ng huli silang magsama. Na-miss na niya ang yakapan at halikan. At dun siya nag-text kay Carlito.

Kinakalkula ni Carlito ang oras. Dapat maka-alis siya ng opisina ng alas-singko para umabot sa Metrowalk ng alas-sais. Yun ang oras na lumalabas sina Lucas mula sa opisinang malapit lang.

Tinawagan niya ang kaibigan niyang si Rene.

'Teh, samahan mo ako."

"Oh napatawag ka, kapatid? Saan kita sasamahan?"

"Manghuhuli tayo."

Natawa ng malakas ang bakla. "Ano naman ang huhulihin natin?"

"Kuwento ko mamaya. Kita tayo by 5pm"

"Ha? Ngayong gabi ba?"

"Yes. Sige na. Kailangan ko ng kasama."

"Fine, fine. Pasalamat ka light ang tanggap ko ngayon."

"Dun na tayo sa Starbucks magkita sa Metrowalk, 530pm pala"

"Hindi na 5pm?"

"Paalis ako office by 430pm. Kwento ko mamaya."

Binaba ang telepono. Kumakabog na naman ang dibdib niya. Halong excitement na mala-Imbestigatdor sila. Biglang nagbago ng naisip niya kung anong gagawin niya kung wala nga dun si Lucas. Paano kung mahuli niya ngang nagsisinungaling lang siya? Hindi niya muna inisip. Ang mahalaga ay ang makarating sila dun upang hanapin si Lucas.


Pasado alas-sais na ng makarating si Lucas sa Metrowalk. Hinanap ang lugar ng inuman at nakita ang tropa ng mga ahente. Nakahain na ang mga beer at pulutan para sa lahat. At mabilis siyang pinagsilbihan ng mga kasama.

Masaya ang kwentuhan at tuksuhan. At may naglakas-loob na tanungin siya tungkol kay Emily. Nangiti siya at binanggit na lang niya na tahimik na si Emily at ang kanyang mga anak. Kuha nila agad na hindi pa rin komportableng pag-usapan ang tungkol sa kanila. Kaya iniwasan na rin.

Hindi man niya napapansin ang oras ngunit tingin pa rin siya ng tingin sa cellphone niya para sa messages ni John. Ang usapan, iiwan na lang niya ang kotse sa Metrowalk at susunduin siya ni John na naka-taxi lang. At diretso na silang check-in. Hay, makikita na naman niya si John.

"Puta ka, ikaw pa late!" pagalit na bati ni Rene kay Carlito. "30 minutes na ako dito."

"Sorry. Sorry. Ang traffic. Ang hirap kumuha ng taxi. Sorry kapatid."

Pumunta agad si Carlito sa counter upang mag-order ng kape. Pagbalik niya, inumpisahan na niya ang kuwento tungkol kay "Mystery Caller."

"So nandito tayo para hulihin ang jowa mo? At paano naman natin gagawin yun?"

"Kutob ko hindi officemates ang kasama niya. Pakiramdam ko magkikita sila ng kabit niya."

"Akala ko ba hindi mo dapat pansinin yang text na iyan?"

"Ewan ko ba, pero after the 2nd text, tamang-tama naman nagpaalam si Luc. Kaya parang biglang may nag-connect sa utak ko."

"Women's intuition ba eto, kapatid? Hahahaha"

"Gaga! Basta ang plano, hahanapin mo si Carlito."

"Diyos ko! Sa dami ng mga kainan dito, paano ko naman mahahanap yun?"

"Hayaan mo, magte-text yan. Nagsasabi kung nasaan na siya."

"At kung wala siya dito? E kung sa iba pala sila nag-date?"

"Oo nga. Well at least, nahuli ko ang pagsisinungalin niya sa akin. Lintik pa rin siya sa akin."

"Fine"

May kalahating oras rin ang dumaan bago nagtext si Lucas kay Carlito. "Babe, d2 lng kmi s Dencio"

"Ayan na, teh! Nagtext na O, simple ka lang ha. Wag pa obvious"

"Ano ba? Best actress awardee 'to, no?" At lumayo na si Rene, patungong Dencio's. Ang daming naglalaro sa isip ni Carlito habang naghihintay. Nandyan na rin ang pagaalinlangan sa ginawa nila. "Tama bang pagkatiwalaan ko ang isang text?" Ngunit hindi rin niya alam kung ano ang magiging reaksyon niya kung mahuli nga ni Rene si Lucas na may ka-date. Susugurin ba niya? Mag-iiskandalo ba siya?

Hindi na rin nagtagal ay bumalik na si Rene. Walang masyadong imik.

"Teh.."

"Ano? Ano? May ka date si Luc?"

"Teh.."

"Tang-ina naman, kapatid! Ano ba?"

At bigla na lang humalakhak ng malakas ang bakla. " WALA! Hahaha"

"Huh? Anong wala? Wala siya dun?"

"Gaga! Nandun ang jowa mo. Tama at nandun siya."

"Sinong kasama?"

"Yun ang mali. I mean, mali ang hinala mo! Kapatid, puro tropa sa opisina sila! Naka-uniform pa! Hahaha"

Parang nakahinga si Carlito. Yun rin naman ang gusto niyang marinig. Ayaw na niyang pagdudahan si Lucas. At hindi niya talaga dapat pinatulan ang bwisit na text na yun.

"Salamat, teh. Malaking kabawasan sa isipan ko yun."


Nagtext si John sa kanya. "Babe, can i kol?"

"Sure." at dali-dali siyang lumabas ng restaurant dahil maingay.

"Babe, hey, maaga akong makaka-alis. Can you escape early?"

Ngumiti si Lucas. "Yup, yup. I told them hindi naman ako magtatagal."

"Great, babe. In 30 minutes, nandyan na ako. Patatabi ko sa may Starbucks yung taxi. Dun ka pumunta pag tumawag ako."

"Okie!" at binaba niya ang telepono. Agad siyang bumalik sa mga ka-opisina. At pag-upo niya, napansin niya ang isang pamilyar na mukha na pumasok sa loob ng Dencio's. Si Rene, kaibigan ni Carlito. Tumayo siya upang batiin.

"Uy, Rene! Musta?"

Nangiti at inabot ang kamay. "O, nandito ka. Sinong kasama mo?" tanong ni Rene.

"Ayun kami, officemates. Ikaw, sinong kasama mo? Saan kayo?"

"Ahh dun lang sa may mga dvd. Wala, ako lang."

"Ah ok. Sige, balitaan na lang."

"Pakikamusta ako kay Carl, ha?" pinahabol ni Rene habang palayo si Lucas.


"O kapatid, tigil na yang kabaliwan ha? Mukha namang matino na ang jowa."

"Oo nga. I feel bad tuloy for suspecting. Stupid text kasi."

"Ganun talaga. Minsan may mapanirang-puri diyan. May galit lang siguro sa jowa mo."

At tinuloy na lang nila ang kuwentuhan.

Pagkaraan ng ilang sandali...

"Oh ayan na si Lucas... Saan papunta?"

Biglang tumingin sa labas si Carlito. Nakita niyang nagmamadaling naglalakad tungo sa may direksyon nila! Ngunit papuntang kalye.

"Teh, tignan mo nga." Pareho silang tumayo ngunit si Rene lang ang pumunta sa may pinto upang tignan kung saan patungo si Lucas. At dun niya nakitang patungo sa isang naghihintay na taxi.

Hindi nakatiis si Carlito at sumunod. At nakita rin niya ang taxi na naghihintay, na may lalaking naka-upo sa harap. Biglang kumabog ang dibdib niya. Dun ay biglan niyang naramdaman na may kakaibang tagpuan na magaganap.

Madali siyang lumabas at tinawag si Lucas habang palapit na eto sa taxi.

"LUCAS! LUCAS!"

Napatingon si Lucas at biglang namutla pagkakita kay Carlito.

Sumisigaw na si Carlito. "Lucas, huwag kang sasakay!" At dun pa lang niya natignan ang lalaki sa harap ng taxi. Nakatingin lang sa kanya na nagtataka, hindi makaintindi sa mga nangyayari.


Binuksan ni Lucas ang pinto.

Palapit na sa taxi si Carlito, kasunod si Rene. "FUCK YOU, LUCAS! DONT YOU DARE! :



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Year of Faith

The group's spiritual director informed us, during our monthly church meeting, that the Pope declared this year as "Year of Faith". The Catholic faithful are supposed to use this year to learn more, to understand more deeply their faith. And the outcome would be more enthusiasm for the faith, and passion to spread this faith around.

That announcement got me into soul-searching mode (again!). (Yes, my old barkada tease me that I go through this mode too often.) But it seems that this is something that will not be resolved with a one-day retreat.

The most immediate thought of mine was about my lector service at the Church. I suddenly had that realization that I should take a leave. That this Year of Faith would be an honest-to-goodness examination of what I believe in, truly. And it won't be limited to my spirituality. It will have to encompass everything in my life, all aspects, including my sexuality, my relationships.

I have started to reconsider my position on most everything. It almost seems like a midlife crisis, again. I thought I was over that a few years back. I am descending into some sort of tunnel where all cherished notions will be questioned and analyzed. I cannot hold anything sacred.

I am afraid. I don't know what the consequences of this path will be. But something inside is telling me that they would be far-reaching. I want to turn back. But I can't. The door just closed.


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John 5, Carlito 27

"Ano problema?" tanong ni John kay Lucas habang banayad niyang hinahaplos ang buhok niya. "Parang hirap kang tayuan."

"Pagod. Sorry. Daming iniisip."

"Ahhh. It helps to talk about it."

Nagbuntong hininga si Lucas. "Yeah. Well, minsan ang gulo ni Carl. Hirap dalhin. Tumagal na rin kami."

"Nag-aaway na naman ba kayo?"

"Kailan ba hindi? Laging may napapansin. Laging nakasimangot. Haaay."

"Siguro, may problems rin siya kaya ganun."

"Lahat naman mayroon. Kailangan ba niyang laging ibubuhos pag-uwi? Anyway..." , nagbuntong hininga na naman si Lucas. "Ganyan talaga."

"How many more minutes?" tanong ni John.

Tumingin sa relo si Lucas. "I need to go by 9pm. Sorry, babe."

"Ok lang. Wag mo akong isipin. Cuddle uli." at niyakap ni John si Lucas.

Ang sarap ng pakiramdam pag kasama niya si John. Yakap pa lang, nakakapawi na ng pagod. At masaya siyang walang reklamo si John pagdating sa kanilang mga lakad at tagpuan. Kahit minsan, i-cancel niya ang lakad dahil sa trabaho, o kay Carlito.

Bumitaw na rin siya at nag-umpisang magbihis. "Babe, get the bill na."


Pauwi, may bigat sa kanyang dibdib. Nahuhulog na nga siya kay John. Kahit hindi nila pinag-uusapan ang ganyang mga bagay. Para lang talaga silang magkaibigan, maliban sa paminsan-minsang pag-sex.

Ganun ang samahan nila. Walang pag-uusap tungkol sa nararamdaman. Walang mga "I love you" o kahit man "I miss you." Ang pinakalambing na nila sa isa't-isa ay ang tawagan ng 'Babe'. Kung ano ang ginagamit niya kay Carlito, yun rin ang ginamit niya kay John. Para hindi mahuli kung sakaling magkamali sa text.

Pati yun naiisip niya. Kahit ang pagsisinungaling. Para hindi mahuli, kailangan plantsado ang mga dahilan. Kaya nga minsan, kung mukhang alanganin ang sitwasyon, hindi niya tinutuloy makipagkita kay John. Na hindi naman kinasasama ng loob ni John. Parang wala lang. Kaya mas lalo siyang napapamahal kay John.

Ganun pa man, marami pa rin siyang di nalalaman tungkol kay John. Hindi man niya alam kung may ibang date siya. Hindi rin nagkukuwento. Takot rin naman siyang tanungin kasi may mararamdaman na rin siyang pagseselos. Kahit wala siyang karapatan magselos. Eto nga siyang may jowa, ngunit parang hindi naman pinagseselosan ni John.

Nakahain na ang pagkain niya sa bahay pagdating. Sinigurado ni Carlito na bago umalis ay natapos ang mga tungkulin sa bahay. Sa mga ganung bagay, nakakabawi naman siya.

Nagtext si John. "Nkuwi n me. u?"

"Home n babe. rest k n." yun lang ang sagot niya bago niya dinelete ang buong thread. Maingat pa rin siya.

Tulog pa rin siya ng dumating si Carlito mula sa trabaho ng madaling araw. Sinilip muna sa kwarto ang nahihimbing na jowa bago nag-ayos at naligo. At nang matapos na, tumabi na siya sa kama.

Tinignan niya muna si Lucas sa pagtulog. Humihilik pa rin. Ngunit nakasanayan na niya. At nang pinatong na niya ang kumot sa kanyang mga paa, naramdaman niyang may nahulog na gamit sa sahig. Gamit ang flashlight, hinanap niya kung ano ang nahulog. Ayun at nakita niya ang remote ng stereo ang nahulog mula sa kumot. Uminit na naman ang ulo niya. Ilang beses na niyang sinabing itatabi ng maayos ang remote. Hay. Yan ang problema kay Lucas. Kahit maayos sa gamit sa kabuuan, minsan may kakakalat pa rin. Away na naman eto.

At away na nga ng umaga ang nangyari. Galit na galit na naman si Lucas na pumasok sa trabaho. At habang nasa kotse, tinawagan si John upang maghinga ng sama ng loob.

"Busy? On your way to work?

"Nope. Dito na ako kanina pa. Musta?"

"Haay. Away na naman kami. Kainis."

"Cool ka lang, babe. Natural lang yan."

"Natural pa ba naman eto, babe? Lagi na lang. At talagang hindi niya palalagpasin. Kahit puyat siya, gigising at gigising para awayin ako. Tama ba naman yun??"

Natawa ng bahagya si John. "Hindi ka na nasanay sa jowa mo."

"Hay. Oo nga. Hey, gotta go pala. Nasa office na ako."

"Basta cool lang, babe."


Naglunch sila ni Tere upang magkwentuhan.

"Kamusta na si Baby Matt?" tanong ni Tere.

"Ok naman. Hindi pa kami nag-update ni Em. Pero siguro naman ok lang."

"Ah ok. Bakit hindi na naman maipinta ang mukha mo?"

"Hay, Tere. Di ko na makaya."

"Ang alin?"

"Si Carl. Lagi na lang kaming away ng away. Kahit maliit na bagay."

"Luc, ganyan lang talaga magmahal yang jowa mo."

"I know. Kaya nga mukhang di ko na matatagalan."

"Pag-isipan mo yan. You know what happened the last time, remember?"

"Oo nga. Pero kung.. Well, kung masabi ko ng maayos..."

"Mukhang pinag-isipan mo na. Decided ka na?"

"I don't know. Hindi pa naman. Pero napupuno na ako."

"And besides..."

"Besides what?"

Gustong-gusto na niyang banggitiin si John sa kanya. Gustong-gusto na niyang ikuwento ang kanilang ginagawa. Wala siyang nasasabihan tungkol sa nangyayari sa kanila. Wala siyang masabihan tungkol sa kakiligan niya, sa mga nararamdaman niya para kay John. Ngunit, pinigilan pa rin niya. Ayaw niyang may ibang maka-alam. Gugulo lang.

"Besides, wala na rin kami anything in common."

"Fren, mabigat yang dala-dala mo. Pero in fairness to Carl, pag-usapan niyo muna. Don't make a decision yet."

"Usap na naman? Eh lagi nga kaming nag-uusap. Nauuwi lang sa away."

"Hay, fren. Di ko alam. Ang bigat-bigat."


Abala sa trabaho si Carlito. Nung napunta siya training, ang dami na niyang ginagawa at hinahawakang responsibilidad. Ngunit kahit gaano ka-hectic ang schedule niya, hindi pa rin lumilipas ang araw na hindi niya naiisip si Lucas. At ang buhay nila.

Marami ng nagbago sa kanila. Kung tutuusin, nag-open na sila ng relasyon. Pinagbigyan na ang kakatihan. Ang libog sa ibang lalaki. Wala naman siyang reklamo. Nag-eenjoy rin naman siya sa mga threesome nila. Ngunit lahat yun, ginawa niya dahil alam niyang yun ang gusto ng jowa.

Sa kalagitnaan ng pag-iisip, may dumating sa kanyang text mula sa isang numerong di kilala.

"Jowa mo. bantayan mo."

Nagtaka siya. At biglang kinabahan. Sumagot siya.

"Hu u? wat u mean?"

Hindi na sumagot ang misteryosong numero. Nagdaan ang isang oras at wala pa ring sagot.

Uminit ang pakiramdam niya. At bigla na lang nawala lahat ng tungkol sa trabaho. Anong ibig sabihin nito? May ginagawa na naman ba etong si Luc? Seseryosohin niya ba eto? Bakit hindi na sumagot?

Pinagpasya niyang wag pansinin muna ang text. Baka ligaw na text lamang. Ngunit sinave niya ang numero "Mystery Caller".



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FabCasters on Pink Politics 2

This concludes our political discourse. I wonder if after this, any member of Ladlad would be willing to dialogue with us? hehe

Podcast Powered By Podbean

Music credits: “Piss On The Wall” by J. Geils Band “Election Day” by Arcadia “Man In The Mirror” by Michael Jackson

Commitment Shelflife?

A conversation among old friends and their young boyfriends.

"So you don't have a boyfriend now?"

"Yeah, been single for less than a year. Not rushing into anything. I'm actually thinking that I'm not the long-term type."

"Now that's a change. You used to go from one boyfriend to another. And each time, we'd hear the promise of undying love and devotion, forever and ever. Amen."

"I know. I know. Well, I really thought it would last."

"Every single time?"

"Yup. Every time I start a relationship."

"And how many starts has that been?"

"Hmm. Probably ten? Eleven? Thereabouts"

"And every fucking time, you swear you think it's forever."

"Seriously, yes."

"And yet all of them ended."

Young boyfriend butts in. "None of them lasted. How long was the longest one?"

"Eight years. There was a six-year one, too. A couple of less-than-a-year ones in between."

"So what happened? Especially with the ones that lasted more than five years?"

"We broke up for different reasons."

"But still, some of them lasted for quite a long time. Yet you think you're not long-term?"

"Well, I have been thinking about my relationships. And I realized that I cannot stay faithful for too long."

"What? What do you mean?"

"All those relationships I entered into were exclusive, 'monogamous' relationships. Because I believed that was how relationships were supposed to be. Yet, I ended up fooling around."

"You did the fooling around? Not them?"

"I don't really know if they fooled around, too. But I just realized that I couldn't stay monogamous, or faithful."

"So why didn't you try being just open?"

"Hmmm, I just didn't feel it would work for me."

"And because of that, you are thinking that you are not 'built for long term'?"

"Yup. My fidelity has a shelf-life."

"It only meant that you didn't love any of them enough to remain faithful."

"Really? That's pretty harsh. I don't think so. I knew I loved them. And even as I was fooling around, having sex with others, it was clear to me that I loved them."

"Nah. You just haven't met the right one yet."

"There! That idea of 'the right one'! That's the one that's been screwing me up all this time!"

"What the hell?"

"Every time I get into a relationship, I always think that this is 'the one'. But I don't think that's true anymore. There is no "The One!" Well, not for me!"

"Wow. That's a major paradigm shift, girl!"

"I know. My relationships, they just don't last. If they require me to be faithful, I can only give that for say, three years. And that's a maximum. But beyond that, I can't promise anything. So at this point, if I start a relationship, I might as well state that at the start. I'm not Mr. Right. I'm Mr. Right now."

Young boyfriend butts in again. "And you think you'll get anyone with that kind of statement? That's bullshit! Nobody in his right mind would get into anything with you. Anything with a deadline."

Other friends agree. "That's like a contract. With a termination clause. Renewable upon re-negotiation." Laughter.

"Exactly. I'd rather be upfront about this than to have to promise the moon and the stars, the forever and ever. I end up just hurting them by lying to them about what I'm capable of."

"That's admirable but stupid. Who would take you seriously?"

"Well, another person who feels the same way? Who doesn't believe in forever and ever?"

"True. Good luck in finding that. Everyone I know wants something that lasts. It's just so weird to want something that would end."

"I agree. It's really great you realize this about yourself. But you don't have to declare that upfront. For one thing, we really don't know the future."

"But what happened with full disclosure, honesty and transparency?"

"You disclose that as part of your history. But you shouldn't say that as a future certainty. Because nobody really knows the future."

Young boyfriend, incensed now, butts in again. "Look, if you were a Piolo, you could probably get away with such statements and guys would still line up. But you're not. So you don't have any right to even demand that."

"Ouch! Look, I am not demanding anything. I am just being honest to a potential boyfriend. All I'm saying is that Hey, this is me. I fool around after a certain period. If that is ok with you, then we could make a go of it.'"

"That's bs."

"So you think nobody would buy it."

"Nobody in his right mind."






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Carlito 26: Ang Masahista

"Babe, nagpa-bottom ba sa iyo si Justin?" tanong ni Carlito kay Lucas. "Kamusta yung massage niya?"

Magkatabi sila sa may sofa na nanunuod ng TV ng naitanong ni Carlito yun. Natawa si Lucas.

"Hahaha Ok ang masahe niya. Kaya niyang mag-hard. Performance level ang extra."

"So bi-nottom mo?"

"Hindi. Ikaw kasi, bi-nottom mo yun, di ba?"

"Yeah. Power, babe. Sana tin-ry mo."

"Pagmasahe gusto ko nakahiga lang ako. Nagpapa-relax nga ako. Pero ok talaga si Justin. Ok yung masahe. Tapos parang pinaggigilan niya pwet ko. Hahaha."

"Talaga? Paano?"

"Kasi, ang tagal niyang hinimas. Tapos, finally dinalaan na. Parang hindi makapagpigil. At ang gusto ko sa kanya, walang tawad-tawad. Molestiya kung molestiya. Subo agad!"

"Hahaha Ta-rue, babe! Kaya nga nalibugan ako. At in fairness, may size ang notes niya."

"Mismo! hahaha Gulat rin ako. Kasi hindi naman malaking tao. Pero mataba ang et-et. Hahaha"

"So paano mo bi-nottom siya? Kasi feeling ko sa akin, parang hindi naman dun papunta."

"Haha, siguro na carried away na ang bading. haha. Habang bini-bj kasi ako, kinakalikot ko yung asshole niya. Na-excite ata. Naghanap ng condom. Hahaha"

"Ang babe ko talaga, may nabaliw na naman sa laki ng nota!" sagot ni Lucas. Hindi naman talaga kaila na masarap talaga ang nota ni Carlito. At napansin niya habang nagkukuwentuhan sila ay tinitigasan ang jowa.

"Babe, mukhang nae-excite ka sa kwento?" at sabay pisil ang nota ni Carlito.

Nahiya ng bahagya si Carlito. At biglang lumiwanag ang mukha ng may naisip. "Babe, gusto mong magpamasahe now?"

"Saan?"

"Dito sa bahay. Tawagan natin si Justin."

"Huh? Ikaw muna tapos ako?"

"Or tayo, sabay."

Dun lang nakuha ni Lucas ang ibig sabihin ni Carlito. At bigla siyang na-excite. "Babe, threesome?"

Ngumiti si Carlito. "Try natin. I-bottom natin pareho. Game yun, I'm sure."

"Handa na ba tayo for this?" isang tanong ng pang-aalinlangan.

"We'll never know if we don't try."

"Game."


Dumating si Justin sa bahay na nakashorts lang. Maganda talaga ang hubogng katawan niya. Yung natural na may kaha, kahit hindi masyadong defined ang muscles. Hindi kagwapuhan pero may arrive. At may matambok na puwet. Mukhang excited rin dahil mabilis nakarating. Basa pa ang buhok.

Sinalubong ni Carlito. "Maupo ka muna. Si Luc ang magpapamasahe."

Nagtaka si Lucas. Ngunit hinayaan na lang niya na ng jowa ang magpaliwanag.

"Pero manunuod na ako."

"Sige, sir. Umpisa na po?"

"Yup, pasok na kayo sa kwarto. Susunod ako."

Tumuloy sa loob ng kwarto si Lucas, at pinapasok na rin ang masahista.

"Sir, hiram na lang ng towel." Kumuha muna si Lucas ng bagong twalya sa cabinet at inabot kay Justin.

Nagtanggal na siya ng damit at tumihaya sa kama. Napansin rin niyang nagtanggal na ng damit ang masahista at naka-brief na lang.

Inumpisahan na ang pagmasahe. At naramdaman na naman niya ang kakaibang hagod ni Justin lalo na sa may hita niya. Umi-ilalim ang mga daliri at tila hinahanap ang nota niya. Duon pa lng ay tinitigasan na siya.

Narinig niyang pumasok sa kwarto si Carlito. Ngunit hindi niya alam ang ginagawa. In-enjoy na niya ang masahe dahil magaling rin naman talaga si Justin.

Nakakaidlip na siya habang nakatihaya. Ngunit parang naririnig niyang may bulungan sa kwarto. At naisip niyang binibigyan ni Carlito ng mga instructions si Justin sa pagmasahe. Habang minamasahe na ang likod niya, nararamdaman niyang dinidiin na ni Justin ang kanyang nota sa puwet, kasabay ng paghagod. Nararamdaman niyang tumitigas na ang ari sa bawat pagdiin,

Tumigil ng sandali at tumayo ang masahista. Nagtanggal na ng brief. Si Lucas naman ay napatingin na sa paligid. Nakita niyang nakaupo sa silya sa tapat ng kama si Carlito, na hinihimas na ang sariling nota. "Humiga ka lang, babe". ang utos sa kanya ng jowa niya.

Tinuloy ang masahe. At tumatama na ang matigas na nota ni Justin sa kanyang puwetan. Masarap ang pakiramdam ngunit.. "Babe, ayoko magpa-fuck." ang bigla niyang sinabi.

Lumapit na si Carlito sa kanila at binulungan niya si Lucas. "You won't be, babe."

Humiga na si Lucas. Nasa ulonan niya si Carlito, si Justin naman ay nasa paa niya. Sinubo na ni Justin ang kanyang nota. At tinapat ni Carlito ang nota niya sa bibig ni Lucas. Dun na nag-umpisa ang kanilang threesome.

Mga ilang sandali at si Carlito naman ang nahiga sa tabi ni Lucas at ang chinupa ng masahista, habang binabayo pa rin si Lucas. Tignan niya ang masahista na mukhang sarap na sarap sa pagkain ng nota. Tumayo na siya at lumikod sa masahista.

Hinawakan niya ang matambok at makinis na puwet ng masahistang naka-usli mula sa dulo ng kama. Kanyang dinaan ang nota niya sa gitna ng hiwa at kinayod, kinuskos. Umayos sa pagkakaupo si Carlito upang makaluhod ng mabuti si Justin. At kumuha na ng lube at condom si Lucas. Dahan-dahan na niyang tinutusok ang puwet ng masahista gamit ang ulo ng kanyang nota.

Napaungol si Justin ng ipinasok na ni Lucas. Tumigil sa pagchupa ng sandali upang tiisin ang sakit. Tinitignan ni Carlito ang kanyang jowang kumantot sa harap niya, habang sinasalsal niya ang sarili.

Nang nasanay na ang puwet ni Justin, tinuloy ang pagchupa. Ngunit ngayon, lumuhod na rin si Carlito. At inabot niya si Lucas upang sila ay maghalikan.

Hanep sa sarap ang nararamdaman ni Lucas habang inuuring si Justin at nakikipaghalikan kay Carlito. Ngunit ang katotohanang iniisip niya ay hinahalikan niya si John.

Nagpalit sila ng puwesto. Pinahiga nila si Justin at si Carlito naman ang kumantot sa kanya. Nakaluhod pa rin si Lucas sa tapat ng mukha ng masahista. Nakatanggal na ang condom at nagbabati sa bibig na nakabuka. Tinignan niya ang katawan ng masahista na sexy pa rin. At nalibugan rin siya sa tanawin na tinitira ni Carlito ang masahista, machong macho ang dating niya.

Di nagtagal at nilabasan na si Carlito, at sinundan ng masahista na may kasamang hiyaw. Si Lucas naman ay nilabasan na rin sa dibdib at tiyan ni Justin. Pagkaraan ng ilang sandali, nagpaalam ang masahista upang magCR. Naiwan ang mag-asawang nakahiga sa kama.

"Nag-enjoy ka, Babe?" tanong ni Carlito.

"yeah.." halos pabulong na sinabi ni Lucas.

"Iabot mo na yung pera kay Justin paglabas niya sa CR."

Nagtapis si Lucas at sumalubong sa masahista at binayaran. Ng nakabihis na ay lumayas na rin si Justin.

'Saan kaya papunta ang relasyon namin?' napagnilay-nilayan ni Lucas bago matulog nung gabing yun.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

FabCasters on Pink Politics

November 1 and we wanted to drink and make merry.  We weren't sure if it would turn out to be a fabcast, with Migs absent.  But soon enough, Tony posts a question which we all felt should be discussed and recorded: would you vote for the Ladlad Party list?

The topic is quite a departure from our usual fare.  So listen in and tell us what you think.

Podcast Powered By Podbean

Music credits:
"Sirena" by Gloc 9 feat. Ebe Dancel
"It's Time" by Imagine Dragons

John 4

“elo. musta n ang bagong daddy?” Yan ang text ni John sa kanya.

Napangiti naman siya sa pagbati. Nakakapawi ng nagpatong-patong na problema sa opisina dahil sa pag-leave niya. Ang daming sabit ng mga ahente. Galit na naman ang boss.

“oks lang. saya makita baby ko. :)” sagot naman niya.

“tuloy later?”

“yup. il c u sa rob gale. pancake haus.”

“sa 4f?”

“yup. 730pm. ingat” ang huling text niya bago balikan ang gabundok na trabaho.

Nung lunch, magkasama sila ni Tere. At excited siyang ipakita ang pictures ng baby nila, at ng byahe niya sa Tacloban.

“Uy ang puti! Manang-mana kay Emily!”

“Aray ko naman. Di naman ako ganun kaitim, fren!” at biglang siniko ang kaibigan.

“hahaha Oo naman. Pero kasi, maputi si Emily. Eh pulang-pula yung baby. hahaha Ano nga pala name niya?”

“Matthew. Matt ang pangalan. Yun ang gusto ni Emily. Ok naman, di ba?”

“Ok naman. Gwapo nga. At hindi siguro ma-mispronounce! HAHAHA”

“Maldita ka, fren!”

“Anong sabi ni Carlito?”

“Wala masyado. As usual. Pero masaya naman siya nakabalik na ako.”

“Lilipas rin yun. I’m sure lalo na pag nakita niya yung baby. Kailan ang binyag.”

“Matagal pa. Sabi ko hindi muna ako makaka-leave.”

“Gumanda si Emily. Bagay ang mother role talaga sa kanya.”

“Alam mo, fren, parang siya katulad mo na rin. Fag hag ko. Ang bait-bait niya at ng family niya. Napaka-thankful ko talaga.”

“Swerte ka. May boyfriend na ba siya?”

“Wala pa. Mukhang aalagaan niya muna ang baby. Hindi pa nga siya maghahanap ng trabaho.”

“Hindi naman siya mahihirapan humanap ng boyfriend.”

“Oo nga. Kaya happy pa rin ako sa kanya.”


Nagmamadaling makarating si Lucas sa tagpuan nila ni John. Late na nga siya ng 10 minutes, papasok pa lang ng Ortigas ang taxi niya.

Nandun na si John sa Pancake House nung nakarating siya. Nakakatunaw ang ngiti ng binata ng sinalubong siya.

“Wow, ganyan pala ang itsura ng bagong daddy! Mag gumagwapo!”

“Ngek. Pati ba naman ako ina-ahente mo! hahaha”

Nagkamayan sila bago siya naupo. Nagkamustahan at nagkuwentuhan muna sila tungkol sa trabaho, sa barkada.

“Siyanga pala, sinabi mo ba kay Carl na magkikita tayo?” tinanong ni John sa kanya.

“Uhmm. Hindi na. Marami pang tanong-tanong. Wala naman tayong ginagawang masama.”

“Ah ok. Oo naman. Friends lang naman tayo.”

Nagpatuloy ang magaang na kuwentuhan nila. At pinakita niya ang mga pictures ng trip niya para sa panganganak ni Emily.

“Ang puti! Hanep ang tangos ng ilong. Hahaha”

“Oo nga no? Hindi ko agad napansin. Makikita na pala na matangos ang ilong ng baby? tanong ni Lucas.

“Oo, basta tignan mo yung bridge. At matangos naman ang ilong ng tatay, di ba?” at sabay tingin sa kanya si John. At tumagal ang tingin. Napalunok na lamang siya at binaling niya ang tingin niya.

“May curfew ka ba?” tanong ni John.

“Hmm. Wala naman. Sabi ko office activity. Bakit?”

“Type kong uminom. May inuman sa baba.”

“Pwede. Sige. Mag few rounds tayo.”


Tinuloy nila ang kwentuhan habang nag-iinuman. At dahan-dahan ring nagbabago ang tema ng pag-uusap habang lumalalim ang gabi.

"Fren, top or bottom?" tanong ni John kay Lucas.

"Versa. Pero mas top siguro. Ikaw?"

"Hulaan mo"

"Ganon? De bottom."

"Bottom agad? Hindi man versa muna? HAHAHA"

"Hahaha ano nga ba?"

"Hulaan mo."

"Hinulaan ko na nga."

"Ahh. hindi pala hulaan. Subukan mo."

Napatingin si Lucas sa mga mata ni John. Kahit may tama na siya mula sa dami ng nainom, malinaw pa rin ang pag-iisip niya. Malinaw pa rin ang direktong panghihikayat ni John sa kanya. Tinitigan niya si John. Hinintay na bawiin ang binitawan. Hinihintay na bigla na lang tumawa. Ngunit nakatitig rin sa kanya si John, hindi kumukurap ang namumulang mga mata.

"Kelan?" malumanay niyang tinanong.

"Now."

"Saan?"

"Dami dyan. Nasa may Pasig na tayo."

Nag-isip ng sandali si Lucas. Naalala si Carlito. Naalala ang mga pangyayari nuon sa Cebu. Ngunit hindi na niya kayang labanan ang nararamdaman kay John. Kahit gusto niyang tanungin si John ng 'akala ko ba friends lang tayo?', hindi niya magawa. Nag-aalab na ang kanyang pagnanasa. Ang kanyang kalibugan. At siya'y nagpasya.

"Tara."

Sumakay sila ng taxi. Tahimik pareho ngunit si John ang nagbigay ng instructions sa driver. Pinatong ni John ang kamay sa hita ni Lucas at pinisil. Hinimas. Naramdaman na ni Lucas ang unti-unting pagtigas ng kanyang ari. Kinuha ang kamay ni John at diniin niya sa ari niya. Kumawala ang kamay ni John at pinisil na rin ang titi niya. Pinisil, hinagod.

Nakarating na sila sa silid ng sekreto. Shhhh ang sabi ng karatula sa labas. Bumaba sa taxi, nagbayad at umakyat sa silid. Parehong tahimik pa rin. Hanggang umabot na sila sa loob ng puting kwarto. Puting-puti. At biglang hinawakan ni John si Lucas at hinalikan ng malalim. Tinulak papuntang pinto. Duon pa lang ay tuloy-tuloy na ang halikan nila. Ang kanilang mga dilang tila ngayon pa lang nakatuklas ng tunay na katamisan.

Lahat ng ikinukubling pagsinta ay biglang umahon mula sa kailaliman ng kanilang mga puso at puson. Halos mapunit ang kanilang mga long-sleeve sa tindi ng mga damdamin.

Mula sa leeg niya, bumaba ang mga labi ni John patungo sa dibdib, sa utong na sinipsip, kinagat, dinilaan. 'Bite it', bulong ni Lucas sa kanya. Matagal na niyang hindi natikman ang sakit-sarap ng pagkagat sa kanyang utong.

Lumayo si John at nagtanggal na ng damit. Siya rin sana ay maghuhubad na ngunit kinuha na naman siya ni John at tinapon sa kama. Nagulat siya. Natakot ng sandali na baka masaktan. Ngunit kalkulado ni John ang lahat. At sa gitna ng kama siya napahiga. At pinatungan siya ni John at tinuloy ang halikan. Si John na ang nagtanggal ng kanyang shirt, ng pantalon. Sa isang hablutan pa lang ay naka-brief na lang siya.

Umabot si John sa pusod niya. Dinilaan, hinahalikan. At minudmod ang mukha sa kanyang titi habang siya ay naka-underwear pa rin. Ipina-ilalim ang mga kamay sa kanyang puwet upang iangat ang kanyang balakang, at ilapit ang nota sa mukha. Kinagat ang brief at binababa hanggang lumabas ang ulo ng nota. Dinalaan ang nakalabas na ulo, na ngayo'y basang-basa na ng pre-cum. Sinsipsip, hinipan. At sa isang sandali lang ay natanggal na niya ang brief ni Lucas at sinubo na ang titi.

"Oh shit. Oh shit." yun lamang ang lumabas sa bibig ni Lucas. Hindi pa rin niya gaanong maisip mga nagaganap. Hanggang tumungo siya at binuksan ang mga mata. May isang saglit na naisip niya na mukha ni Carlito ang makikita niyang kumakain sa nota niya. Ngunit nakita na niyang nakapalibot sa titi niya ang mga matatamis na labi ni John, na nakapikit pa sa pagsubo.

Tinitigan niya at lalo siyang nalibugan. Kitang-kita niya ang lapad ng balikat, ang pantay na kulay ng kayumangging balat. Umahon si John at lumapit sa kanya.

"What do you want me to do next?" mapanuksong tanong sa kanya. Naupo siya upang halikan si John. Tuloy-tuloy ang mapusok na tukaan, yakapan. Ang kanilang mga kamay hindi mapirmi. Kung saan-saan nakakarating. Dinadama ang kinis ng balat sa likod, sa puwet.

Hiniga niya si John at siya naman ang naging active. Itinaas ang dalawang kamay at dinalaan ang kanyang brazo at kili-kili, na lubos na nagustuhan ni John. Bumaba sa mga utong na tayong-tayo, nag-aantay ng kanyang labi. Sinipsip niya ng matindi, parang sanggol lamang na uhaw na uhaw sa gatas sa loob. Napapahiyaw si John sa sarap ng nararamdaman.

Nilampasan ni Lucas ang nota at dumiretso siya sa mga hita ni John na napakakinis. Pantay-pantay talaga ang kanyang ginintuang balat, kahit anong parte ng katawan. Dinalaan niya at kinakagat-kagat ang hita, ang tuhod, ang likod ng tuhod, ang hita, ang sakong. Parang kiti-kiti sa paggalawa si John dahil sa halong kiliti at sarap.

Umakyat siya muli at pinatihaya si John. Pumatong siya upang mahalikan, madilaan ang batok at ang tenga. At paminsan-minsan, kinakagat niya sa gigil. Gustong-gusto niya ang posisyon na yun. Dahil kitang-kita niya ang kagwapuhan ni John, ang likod at ang matambok na puwet.

Bumaba siya na dinidilaan ang buong likod, patungo sa pisngi ng puwet. Pinaglaruan niya ang mga pisngi. Pinisil. Ang tambok, ang lambot. Ang lalim ng hiwa sa gitna. Kinayod niya ang titi niyang matigas sa gitna. Pinakiramdaman ang iilang bukok na sumasayad sa kahabaan ng kanyang ari.

Umuungol pa rin si John habang kinikiskis niya ang kanyang ari sa puwet. "You can fuck me, if you want." pabulong na sinabi.

Nakita ni Lucas ang condom sa tabing drawer, galing sa motel.

"Do you have lube?"

Humarap na si John. "Wala. Sabon kaya?"

Nag-alinlangan si Lucas. "Wag na."

Inayos niya ang pagkakahiga ni John at tumabi muna. Panandaliang pahinga. Ang lakas pa rin ng tibok ng kanilang mga puso. Yumakap si John at pinatong ang ulo sa dibdib.

Parang natauhan rin si Lucas. At habang hinahaplos niya ang likod, ang buhok ni John, tinanong niya siya.

"Friends lang, right?"

Natawa si John. "Sabi ko na nga ba, itatanong mo yan." Tumahimik muna at inisip ang isasagot.

"Sex is sex. Friends with benefits, di ba?"

"Ah. Walang nagbago?"

"Hahaha. Hindi ako magiging kabit. We just having fun, Luc."

At dahan-dahang hinahalikan ni John ang dibdib ni Lucas, at inumpisahang dilaan ang utong. "This is fun, right?"

Napapikit si Lucas at naramdaman na naman niyang bumabalik ang tigas ng nota. Hinawakan na ni John ang ari at hinimas hanggang sa buong katigasan. Bumaba siya at sinubo na. Dahan-dahan. Mapaglaro. Dinidilaan ang haba. Sinisipsip ang ulo, nilalawayan ang tangkay.

Pinosisyon ni Lucas si John upang makapag-69 sila. Kinuha na rin niya ang nota ni John at tsinupa. Sabay silang sumusubo, walang patid na tanikala. Tumatanggap at nagbibigay.

Tinuloy ni John ang pagbabayo sa nota ni Lucas. At sinasalubong niya ng kanyang mga labi. Pabilis ng pabilis. Palapit ng palapit. Yun na rin ang kanyang ginawa sa ari ni John. At nang tinignan niya ang kanyang notang binati, sa tabi ng mukha ni John, dun niya naramdaman ang kasukdulan. "Fuck."

At umagos ng umagos ang kanyang tamod, hawak-hawak ni John ang kanyang notang bumubulwak ng semilya. Kung saan-saan tumalsik. At ginamit niya ang ibang tamod upang padulasin ang sariling nota, at tinuloy ang pagbati.

Dinalaan ni Lucas ang bayag niya. Pinagalaruan ng bibig. Iyun pala ang isa sa pinaka-sensitive na parte ng katawan ni John. At dahil dun, nilabasan na rin si John.

"Finally." sabi ni John na may ngiti.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

SAHC: Playlist of Yesteryears

My high school barkada and I were into dance music of the 80's as .  Vacation afternoons, or even after school hours were spent listening to the latest 'disco' or extended remixes of popular tunes.  And practicing what the dance groups would be doing on TV.  From WEA, to OctoArts to Dyna to Dance Promo, we were fans.  

We expanded this dance horizon, and eventually expressed it, when we started hanging out in the gay bar 690 in Retiro St.  This happened when we were in our 4th year in college, when we could save enough of our measly allowances for that night out.

Funny, now that I look back at it.  A couple of college badings hanging out in a gay bar, the kind with gogo boys (called macho dancers then)!  But that bar gave us the space to express ourselves.  No need to be conscious of who might see us.  We went there to drink a little and dance a lot.  (We didn't even have enough money to have those charlie browns (callboys) sit with us.)

Gay bars like that would always have gay impersonation as entertainment.  And those pretty trannies would always amaze us.  And from their shows we would actually learn a few more songs to add to our playlist.

I finally found two of the songs I remember from that period.  They never became popular.  But to us, this was the ultimate bading music (baklaan kung baklaan! LOL). 

In the barkada, I became associated with two other female singers because of these two songs.  I saw them on Video Hit Parade (the show on Channel 2 that puts together all the music videos in a one-hour program, before MTV channel came to our shores).  And I instantly liked them.
I was ridiculed for my choices, especially Meri D. Marshall.  She was just too plump to be a gay diva!  But at least Martika crossed over to the Billboard 100 with 'Toy Soldiers'!  

These songs had me singing along, ala gay impersonator, complete with dance steps!  Thank God for YouTube! (and for those kind souls who actually uploaded these videos.  KINDRED SPIRITS!)

p.s. SAHC = Sex at Hayskul College, what was supposed to be a continuing series on cc's growing up years

Emily 11, John 3

"Luc, pinapatawag ka ni Boss Von." sabi ni Tere habang sinasalubong siya sa may lobby.

"Huh? Bakit daw? Galit ba? tanong ni Lucas.

"Ewan. Basta pinasok ko kahapon yung request mo for leave. Baka tungkol dun."

"Kailan? Ngayon na?"

"Pumasok ka na sa kwarto niya."

Dumiretso siya sa pinto ng boss at kumatok.

"Sir, si Lucas po. Pinapatawag niyo po ako?"

"Come in, Lucas." ang sagot ng boss. "Sara mo yung pinto. And take a seat."

"Opo." Tinignan niya ang boss niyang nasa desk pa niya, nakatingin sa mga pinipirmahan. At nung natapos, hinanap ang isang papel, ang leave request ni Lucas.

"I'll be straight to the point. I saw this request."

"Yes, Sir."

"One week leave. Eto na ba ang paternity leave mo?"

Nagulat at namutla si Lucas. Wala siyang sinasabihan tungkol sa kaso nila ni Emily, maliban kay Tere. Paano niya nalaman?

"Don't be surprised, Lucas. I know everything that goes on in here or sa field."

"ah Opo, Sir."

"Lucas, you are a performer. Turn-around guy ka. But I was so disappointed when I found out about what happened between you and Emily. Kayo pang dalawa. Parehong magagaling. Kung hindi nagresign si Emily, I was about to fire you. Hindi pwede sa kumpanya natin yan."

Yumuko na lang si Lucas sa kahihiyan. "Yes, Sir."

"Bakit hindi mo pinakasalan si Emily?"

Nagulat na naman si Lucas sa tanong ng boss. "Ah, Sir, kasi ... hindi pa ako handa. At hindi naman niya hiningi yun sa akin." Hindi pa rin niya lubos maisip na nagaganap ang pag-uusap na eto.

"Panindigan mo yang batang yan. Anak mo yan."

"Opo. Wala pong patid ang tawagan namin ni Emily."

"Tandaan mo, nobody is indispensable here. Don't mess with me. Ayokong maulit eto, is that clear?"

Napalunok na lang si Lucas. "Yes, Sir."

Ang laking takot niya sa kaganapang iyon. Hindi niya naisip na hahantong sa pagkatanggal niya sa trabaho kung sakali.

Nung kagabihan, tinawagan na niya si Emily upang mangamusta.

"Hello, Em. Musta na? Galing ka ng OB?"

"Uy. Oo. Nanggaling ako kanina. Healthy pa rin ang baby. On schedule daw. Ano, pinayagan ka ni Boss?"

"Oo, pero nasabon ako. Dahil sa atin. Alam niya pala ang lahat."

"Oo naman, si Boss pa. Bakit anong sabi?"

"Kung di ka raw umalis, kakasuhan niya ako. Hindi ko alam kung ano. Basta nagalit."

"Ay ang sweet ni Boss Von sa akin. Hanggang ngayon, inaalagaan pa rin niya ako." natawang sinabi ni Emily. "Tapos na yan. Wag ka ng mag-emo. Sus, naka-move on na ako! Hahaha"

Napangiti na rin si Lucas. "Thanks, Em. Ang bait mo talaga. Kung hindi lang..."

"Kung hindi ka lang bading eh nagpakasal na tayo, ganun ba? Haha"

"Mismo. Hahaha. Pero nagpapasalamat ako na isang katulad mo ang magiging nanay ng anak ko."

"Tama na ang drama. Anyway, naka-book na yung hotel mo. Sasama ba si Carl?"

"Hindi siya pwede. Ako lang. Buti na rin yun para naka-focus tayo sa delivery."

"Okay. Basta i-email ko yung reservation. Oh siya. See you in two weeks."

"Bye, Em. Thanks talaga."

Ang laki ng pinagbago ng kanilang ugnayan ni Emily. Naging maging magkaibigan na talaga sila. Excited na rin siyang pumunta sa Tacloban. Dun manganganak si Emily kasama ang kanyang nanay. May dumating na text.

"Ei, fren. Musta?" galing kay John.

"Im ok. Pagod. Ayos trip to Tacloban.”

“Uy. Sama ako. Wen?”

“Nxt wk.”

“Cool. Pagod k? Tara, masahe kta. hehe”
“Y? Magaling k magmasaj?”

“Yup. Nag-aral me. Nung wa pa work.”

Nagulat si Lucas sa alok ng masahe. “Ah. ok. sarap nga sana.”

“Ano? Bahay k n b?”

“Yup.”

“Punta me?”

“Nxt time. ok lng. kaya p.”

"K, fine. Txt txt. Swit drims fren"

Laking hinayang niya sa pagtanggi sa alok ng masahe. Dahil nararamdaman niya talaga ang pagod, galing na rin sa nakaka-stress na pag-uusap nila ni Boss.

Siguro, hindi na rin siya dapat magtaka sa ganyang alok ni John. Nung mga nakaraang araw, may ganyang landian sila sa text, at minsan sa telepono. 'Ika nga nila, maharot rin etong batang 'to.

Minsan, may mga 'mwah' at 'tsup' ang mga text. O kahit na yung 'Swit drims'. Ganyan kalambing ang bagets. At kung tutuusin, di na rin bagets si John. Nakatatlong jowa na rin siya. Single lang ngayon dahil ini-enjoy niya muna ang walang commitments. Marami ring nagpadaanan. Naging masalimuot rin ang nakaraan niya sa ibang jowa.

Galing siya sa isang simpleng pamilya. Kaya nagsumikap, bata pa lang. Kung anu-ano na ang mga binibenta sa mga kaklase. Maabilidad at may ambisyon. Sa sariling kayod nakapagtapos ng kolehiyo. Kasama na diyan ang crew ng Jollibee, ang pagiging sekretarya sa isang maliit na construction office. At ngayon, nalaman pa niya na nakapag-aral magmasahe ngunit hindi niya naipagpatuloy.

Masayang kasama si John. Nakapag-coffee na sila minsan. At dun, ang gaang ng pakiramdam nila sa isa't-isa. Kahit makulit at makwento, kaya rin niyang maging seryoso. Dun na aninag ni Lucas ang isang binatang balanse ang pananaw sa buhay. Kaya madali rin siya naging kampante sa kanya. Nakikinig lang kahit mga problema sa trabaho o sa kanila ni Carlito. Kahit sa kanya ay na-ikuwento na rin niya ang tungkol kay Emily.

Inaamin niyang nan duon pa rin ang atraksyon niya kay John. Siguro, mas lalo pang lumalim ng makilala niya ang pagkatao. Ngunit hanggang dun lang sila. Konting landian sa text. Konting lambing. Yung saktong kilig lang.

Binaba na niya ang kanyang cellphone at tinapos ang pag-empake. Kahit sa susunod pang linggo ang byahe ay tapos na ang bagahe niya. Excited siya maging tatay.

Ngunit naalala niya ang kanilang pag-uusap ni Emily. Hindi totoong maraming ginagawa si Carlito at hindi makakasama. Ang totoo ay malamig si Carlito sa ano mang balita tungkol sa bata. Akala niya noon ay lilipas rin, pag matagal na ang nagdaang panahon. Iba rin talaga si Carlito magtanim ng galit. Tahimik ngunit malalim ang pinanggagalingan ng poot. Akala niya, para kay Carlito, ang bata ay paalala ng sakit na dinulot niya. Mali pala. Noong isang away nila lumabas ang katotohanan. Tinuturing niyang parang karibal ang bata sa atensyon ni Lucas. At kung tutuusin, hindi lang sa atensyon, kahit sa gastusan. Malalim nga ang pinanggagalingan.

Tinabi na muna niya ang bagahe. Naramdaman ang pagod at nagpahinga. Masarap nga magpamasahe. Tinignan niya ang cellphone niya at hinanap ang isang pangalan - "Justin". Eto yung nirekomenda ni Carlito. Eto yung regular na nagmamasahe sa kanya. Natawa na lang siya ng maisip niya na parang kailan lang, eto rin ang kanilang pinag-awayan, ang masahistang nagbibigay ng extra service sa kanya.

Ang layo na rin ng pinagbago ng kanilang relasyon ni Carlito. Ngayon, tanggap na nila na okey lang ang masahe na may e.s. Basta hanggang dun lang.

Nagtext at nagpa-iskedyul ng masahe. Hindi pa niya nasubukan si Justin. At ang balitang performance level na e.s. ang kanyang hinintay.



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Carlos 25, John 2

"Babe, short ako for this month para sa rent."

"O, paano nangyari yun? Carl naman! Ang dami ko ring bayarin ngayon."

"I don't want to ask sana. Kaso, naningil na si Tita Remy."

Kinuha ni Lucas ang wallet at nag-abot ng pera. "Eto lang ang cash ko ngayon. O, eto."

Inabot kay Carlito, ngunit hindi niya itinago ang pagkainis.

"Bakit ba ang sungit mo?"

"Anong gusto mo? Sino bang matutuwa, ka-aga-aga, utang agad ang pinaguusapan."

Bigla niyang binawi ang mga masasakit na salita. "Babe, I'm sorry. Marami lang trabaho. Sobra sa pressure."

"Ok. Sorry rin. Hindi na ako mag-short next time. Nagkasabay-sabay lang, Babe."

Niyakap ni Lucas si Carlito. "I know. I'm sorry, ok?"

Kapadala pa lang ni Lucas ang sustento ni Emily. Ika-pitong buwan na rin niya. At dumadalas na ang pagpapadala ng pera. Excited rin naman siya para sa pagpapanganak. At kung papayagan siya ng opisina makapag-leave, pupuntahan niya para masaksihan ang panganganak.

Nakatanggap siya ng text mula sa di kilalang numero.

"hey luc. c john eto. musta?"

"sori but john hu?"

"yung sa party ni Roel. yun truth or consqwens"

Bigla siyang kinabahan. Naalala niyang hindi niya binigyan ng number niya si John. Kanino kaya nito nakuha?

"helo. im ok. kaw?"

"im gud. eto ppasok work."

"ok. cge. txt txt n lng. bc pa."

"k. ingat."

Inaamin niyang may kilig pa rin. Naalala niya ang itsura ni John. Ang kinis ng kutis, ang ganda ng ngiti. Ang ganda ng hubog ng katawan. Ngunit hanggang dun lang dapat yun. Hanggang paghanga lang. Ipinangako niya sa sarili na hindi na niya guguluhin ang buhay niya.

Nagtext siya kay Roel nung nagkalibreng oras siya.

"teh, cnong nagbgay no ko k John?"

"cnong john?"

"yun bitbit ni louie sa diner"

"call me." At dali-dali niyang tinawagan si Roel.

"Sis, sino kaya ang nagbigay ng number ko?"

"Kapatid, malamang si Louie. Selosa yun. hahaha"

"Eh kung selosa, bakit niya ibibigay kay John?"

"Ay pwedeng resignation baga. Alam niyang walang mararating ang kanyang pagsintang pururot. HAHAHA"

"Teh, seriously? si Louie kaya?"

"Ma at pa! At bakit naman kailangan mong malaman?"

"Teh, ayoko na ng gulo."

"Gaga ka pala. De wag mong sagutin. Besides, ano ba sabi? Sex raw kayo?"

"Hindi naman. Hello hello lang ang drama."

"Chos! Kung ayaw mo, wag mo, teh! Ganun lang kasimple."

"Ayaw ko namang bastusin ang bata."

"Asus! Dinahilan pa ang pagbabastos! Aminin mong gusto mo rin!!!"

"Hindi no. Basta alamin mo lang, teh. At sabihin naman sana wag ng bigay ng bigay ng number ko. Alam mo naman na napakaselosa ni Carlito."

Nakaraan rin ang ilang araw bago nagtext si John sa kanya. Ngayon alam na niya dahil sinave niya ang number cellphone. Para alam niya ang kanyang iiwasan.

"ei luc. musta?"

Pinalipas niya ang ilang sandali bago magreply.

"hey. im gud. tnx. can i kol?"

"sure bro."

Tinawagan niya agad ang bagets.

"Hey John. ahmm. You know naman may partner ako."

"Oo naman. Malinaw. Dude, all I want is to be a friend. Wala naman akong balak na iba. Luc naman."

"Ah..I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions. Ayaw ko lang kasi gulo."

"Look, Luc. Ay ang saya! haha magka-rhyme! Anyway, look, among the rest kasi ikaw lang ang magaang ang dating. At pareho tayong nasa sales kaya gusto kitang maging kaibigan."

"Ah ganun pala naman. Ok. Sorry, praning ako."

"And I respect that. Mabuti ngang ganun. So malinaw na ang lahat? So we could be friends?"

"Sure, sure. Salamat. At sorry talaga sa assumptions ko."

"Ok lang yun. Minsan coffee tayo. Kuwentuhan mo ako, okay?"

"Sure. Friends! Gotta go! Bye!"

Nakangiti pa rin si Lucas habang binabalik sa bulsa ang cellphone. Masaya dahil nalinaw niya kay John ang magiging estado ng kanilang samahan. Ngunit di pa rin maalis na may atraksyon siya kay John. At dahil dun, itutuloy niya ang kanilang "friendship."

Napadaan siya sa isang department store pauwi upang bumili ng mga gamit para sa katawan at sa buhok. Nakita niya ang paboritong shampoo ni Carlito, shampoo na matagal na niyang hinahanap. Binili niya, para na rin makabawi sa kasungitan niya kanina.

Pagdating sa kanilang bahay, nadatnan niya si Carlito paalis pa lang ng bahay.

"Oh Babe, you're still here?"

"Hello Babe. Yeah, binago na naman ang shift ko. Hay. Napapagod na ako, Babe."

Niyakap niya ang mahal. "Hold on, Babe. Mahirap humanap ng trabaho. At di rin maganda kung pabago-bago ka ng kumpanya."

"Hay, I know. Nahiya rin ako sa iyo, Babe."

"Don't worry, okay? Basta nandito lang ako." Hinalikan niya si Carlito sa labi. "Sige, ako na bahala dito." At sabay kuha ng pasalubong. "Babe, I got you this"

"Uy! Saan mo nakita? Tagal ko ng hindi nakikita eto!"

"Dun sa Rob. Mayroon dun."

Niyakap ni Carlito si Lucas ng mahigpit. "Thank you, Babe. I love you." Umalis na rin siya papuntang trabaho.

Nang matapos ang kanyang hapunan, naligo si Lucas. Masarap ang shower. Relaxed kasi ang pakiramdam niya. Umupo siya sa sofa at nanuod muna ng TV. Walang gaanong magandang palabas. Tinignan niya ang cellphone para sa mga messages. At nang makita niya uli ang message ni John, naisipan niyang i-text.

"ei. gcng p?"

"ei, luc. yup. d p antok. ano gawa u"

"la lng. nuod tv. tamad."
"hehe. ako gawa report."

"cge d kta disturb."

"k lng. basta kaw, fren." Natawa siya sa "fren" nung nabasa niya. Seryoso naman etong bata maging kaibigan lang.

Tinext rin niya si Louie, ang kaibigan na nagdala kay John sa hapunan ni Roel.

"Teh, Luc here. Can i kol?"

Matagal rin ang lumipas bago sumagot si Louie.

“Sure, honey”

“Hello, Louie!”

“Oh ano? Napatawag ka, bakla?”

“Nangangamusta lang.”

“Hindi! Naku hindi ka nangangamusta! HAHAHA” Kung maingay si Roel, mas maingay pa etong si Louie. Natatawa na lang siya habang kausap niya.

“Oh di ba? Alam ko ang pakay mo, kapatid. At oo, ako ang nagbigay ng number mo sa haliparot na yun.”

“Haliparot? Teh, bakit mo naman binigay ang number ko?”

“Aba, galit ka pa? WAHAHAHA Teh, aminin, may kagandahan ang jagets!”

“Oo naman. Pero alam mo namang may jowa ako. Super seloso pa.”

“Huwell, hindi ko problema yan. HAHAHA. And for the record, ayaw ko sanang ibigay. Kaso ang kuleeeeet!”

Kinilig na naman si Lucas. Mukhang type na type siya ni John.

“Wait, di ba type mo yan? Di ba kayo?”

“Heeexcuse me! Kapatid EX-type ko siya. At binasted ko na siya.” Sa pagkakilala niya kay Louie, mukhang baliktad ang tunay na kuwento. Ngunit sinakyan na lang niya.

“Bakit naman, kapatid? Gwapo naman”

“Ay! eh kung kasing kati ba naman ng balat ng sayoteng kinudkud mo sa iyong singit! Wag na!”

“Ah ganun ba siya?”

“Naman! Player yan no? Joz ko! kung anong inosente ng fez, yun naman ang kakatihan sa tunay na anyo! WAHAHA!”

“Hahaha. Ikaw talaga, mukha namang mabait.”

“Bakeeet? Nahuhulog ka ba? May namumuo na ba??”

“Wiz, teh. Intrigera ka ha? Friends lang kami. Hanggang dun lang yun. Ayoko ng komplikasyon.”

“Teka, narinig ko na yan. HAHAHA”

“Hindi, teh. honest. Hanggang dun lang. Anyway, wala na akong magagawa. Nasa kanya na ang number ko.”

“Flakak! Teh, kung hind mo type, wag mo! He’s a big boy. He’ll understand WAHAHA”

“Yah, baka nga ganun mangyari. Anyways, sige, teh. Salamat na rin!”

“Oh di ba? talagang si John lang ang topic natin! Ni hindi mo ako kinamusta!? Wahaha”

“Ay sorry naman! Kasi ikaw, siningit mo agad si John!”

“Joke lang, teh! hahaha napakadefensive mo! Baboo!”

Mas lalo tuloy siya na-intriga kay John. Player nga kaya o bitter lang etong si Louie? Hindi niya mawari ang katotohanan. Ngunit malinaw sa kanya na ang nais lamang niya ay maging kaibigan.



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Ram and Omar 2

The contract was the first thing he noticed on his desk when he arrived that Thursday. It had a note from Dragon Lady: "Ram, pls process. Approved as supplier." He had a huge smile on his face as he read it. And he actually felt proud of Omar. This one he accomplished totally on his own, without any nudging from him.

It took more than a month, which was pretty much the time it took for others to get accredited. And in that span, he had probably seen Omar about four to five times. He was asked a few times for coffee or drinks. And he politely refused. He certainly didn't want to be seen wining and dining with potential suppliers.

But looking at this contract, all ready for signing, he felt he could relax those rules a bit. It certainly appears that all is done and, well, they could 'celebrate' the accreditation. He couldn't help but remember how good Omar looked the last time, with his short-sleeved polo, bursting at the biceps. And those trademark sexy jeans. Only he could pull it off. And though not really a stunner, Omar has the face that you just like looking at, with a boyish smile and a slang that just rolls out of his tongue so well. I'm daydreaming at 830am, he thought to himself.

"Hello. Your contract is ready for signing." he texted him.

And the reply was almost instantaneous. "Wow! Thanks! Super thanks! Do I go to your office later?"

"No need. I need to go over that with you in detail tomorrow."

And almost as if Omar read his mind, "Where do you want to have dinner?"

"After dinner. There's this place near the condo. I'll see you by 830ish."

"Cool, Thanks. Thanks."

He still had a smile on his face as he went through the chores of the day. And not even the bitchy comments from Dragon Lady on the new office furniture could wipe that smile off.

Friday afternoon seemed to take forever. Too long. He hurriedly left the office to be home before 7pm. He caught take-out dinner on the way. And he made sure not to forget the contract.

He looked at his tidy condo and realized there wasn't much fixing needed. Yes, suddenly he had hatched a plan for the night. And that night would end in his condo. He brought out some of the drinks in his ref. Hmmm. Omar looks like the beer type. But that will take forever to take effect. He lined up the Absolut Vodka and the Jack Daniels, all left-overs from dinners past. He brought out the Corona, just in case the guy insists. And the chips. Something light. And that special salsa.

He took a long shower, using that loofa to make sure that his skin is all smooth. He looked at the mirror as he was drying himself off. Not bad for a guy pushing 30. Okay, past 30. Waay past 30. He laughed. He liked how his body is so toned now. He had the right muscles. And his midsection has slimmed considerably. Well, the abs you could discern with enough imagination. Will Omar find me sexy? A moment of self-doubt.

It was past 8pm when he was done. The flossing and toothbrushing and mouthwash gargling was an effort. But he had to make sure that he was make-out worthy. And the cologne had to be perfectly chosen, too. Nothing too strong, or flowery or lemony. After a few dabs, he was done. The clothes had been chosen previously. Friday night casual. Hang out wear. Perfect.

He left at 825pm, for it was 5-10 minute walk to the bar. Sure enough, Omar was already there, looking even more handsome. He melted with the smile as he approached the table. He ordered for beer (figures, Ram thought) while he had his Chardonnay. The talk was about little Tommy, and work and business in general. The place turned out to be noisier than he remembered, so they were leaning towards each other. And he could smell the heavenly, masculine scent of Omar.

"Oh, I forgot the contract at the condo. Let me get it." Ram interjected carefully.

"No need. I can sign it there, I guess?" Omar asked.

"Yeah, you could. But you'd have to walk a bit."

"I don't mind. Need to burn this" pointing to a non-existent belly.

"Oh ok." Ram concurred.

"We can go now, if that's okay with you."

"Sure. Let me settle this."

"No, Ram, this is on me."

"Omar, we are friends now, I insist on at least going Dutch."

"Not today. Next time."

With that settled, the walk back to his condo seemed more like floating. Ram was giddy , and laughing at Omar's witty remarks and stories.

When they got to the condo, Ram showed him in and pointed to the contract on the dining table.

"Silly me. I placed it there so I won't forget to bring it. Still I did! Senior moments, I guess." Ram wailed.

"You never looked your age, Ram. You look great."

Ram blushed and immediately made for the kitchen to prepare drinks.

"Can I look around?" asked Omar.

"Sure. Feel comforable. That's the bedroom door on the left."

Omar went in as Ram took out ice cubes and placed it in the glasses. And when he was done, he wondered why Omar hadn't come out yet.

He brought the two glasses filled with whiskey to his bedroom. And he almost dropped them when he walked in.

On his bed, Omar was sprawled with only his red underwear on. He was busy texting on his cellphone when Ram walked in. He looked up and immediately put aside his cellphone.

"I made myself comfortable." he said with a smile.

Ram was transfixed for a moment. He regained his composure and slowly placed the glasses on the side cabinet. He looked at Omar before slowly taking a seat on the bed, as Omar moved over to give him space. He still wasn't saying anything. He was just looking at Omar, looking at his eyes. And what he saw in those big, beautiful eyes of his was not lust. It was affection. And it melted him more.

Omar slowly moved to kiss Ram. Ram was still unmoving and speechless. And finally, Omar's lips landed on his, very lightly, even tentatively, as if Omar was expecting Ram to suddenly react violently and pull away.

But that didn't happen. Ram closed his eyes and allowed himself to taste those lips, lips he had always fantasized about. Up till that point, a part of him was still stuggling. That part that felt that this is way out of line and totally unprofessional.

However, with that one tentative kiss, all fears just faded into the abyss of affection. And he opened his mouth to receive Omar's mouth, and tongue. And soon, he feft Omar's hand pushing his face even closer and closer, the kiss becoming more urgent, more intense.

Omar fumbled with the buttons of Ram's shirt when Ram suddenly pulled away and stood up. Looking disoriented, Ram didn't know whether he should proceed. He felt conscious of his body, especially beside such a perfect specimen as Omar, with his abs, and his chest. He felt so fat, so unattractive suddenly.

It was as if, again, Omar read his mind.

"Will you please stop being so self-conscious? Ram, you're gorgeous, you're hot. I knew it the first time I saw you." Omar got up and kissed him once again.

"I... I'm just..."

"Shut up. Let me do it." Slowly, with more dexterity this time, Omar unbuttoned Ram's shirt to expose a developed chest. Omar's free hand glided gently across his torso as Ram closed his eyes to feel it. Soon he felt Omar kissing his neck, licking it as both arms went around his waist to draw him even closer. His wet kisses felt so good even before his tongue finally found his ear lobe. With light flickers that suddenly changed tempo to wide licks, he felt his ears burn with passion.

Meanwhile, his own hand grasped Omar's back and slowly made their way into his firm butt. He could feel his own cock stiffen as he squeezed one butt cheek and feel the smoothness against the fabric of the underwear. Omar pulled back slightly to allow him to lick and bite his nipple. Though ordinarily not his primary erogenous zone, he was suddenly responding to each bite, to each lick. He realized how sensitive Omar has made his nipple feel.

Omar gently guided Ram back to the bed. And as he lay there, Omar unzipped his pants and pulled it. He looked at the image of Omar on top of him, smiling, looking every bit as sexy as he always imagine him to be. And aware that he was being stared at, Omar finally removed that red underwear, to expose a manhood so thick and hard that Ram gasped under his breath.

Omar bent over and yanked his briefs out. And proceeded to give him a blow job he wasn't about to forget. With the way Omar was working on his cock, he couldn't believe he even thought of him as straight previously. But the guy is really good. He knew when to pull back and when to be tight. His tongue even played around the head of his cock, and that drove him nuts. The sight of Omar's big, round shoulders, and triceps as he went down on him was too much.

Omar then stood upright again and then kneeled on the bed and approached him as he lay there. He placed another pillow under Ram's head and pointed his cock toward his mouth. Without any need for prompting, Ram engulfed the engorged cock as much as he could, gagging a bit at the start. It was definitely thick. And in that position, he couldn't control Omar's thrusts. But he was not about to just give up on sucking the juiciest dick he has ever laid eyes on.

He looked up to see Omar looking at him, so turned on by the sight of his cock inside Ram's mouth. He kept on moving his pelvis to make sure that he could see his shaft going in and out of the mouth. He also started to play with himself, as he felt his mouth and throat adjust.

Soon enough, Omar pulled away and was jerking his cock frantically.

"Ram, I'm near. Shit, I'm about to come."

"Come on my chest. I want to see you come here." pointing to his own developed chest.

Omar couldn't hold it any longer. He pointed his cock towards the chest and heaved as semen spurted out of the head, thick globs of come. The first one reached Ram's neck. And Omar continued to pump the thick cock until all the juice had been extracted.

And yet he wasn't done. He grabbed some of his come and immediately placed it on Ram's own hard cock. He proceeded to pump the come-lubricated dick wildly, tightly. It was almost hurting Ram but he was too close to the pinnacle to complain.

"Shit..... Oh shit. Ahhh" His own come flew in the air, landing on his bed sheets. Omar continued to pump the rigid cock until Ram was about to shout in pain.

"Stop, Om, please stop... Aahhh" he grabbed hold of Omar's hand and pulled it away.

Spent, Omar lied down beside him, panting.

After a few minutes, Omar started the conversation.

"Look, I know about all this 'no shitting on your backyard.' thing. I wasn't born yesterday. But... I couldn't help myself."

Ram looked at Omar, wondering if this was really happening.

"I like you a lot. Whether or not I got the contract, I wanted this to happen. And please, it's not about this contract. "

"I ... I guess it's not. Look, I wanted this to happen, too." Ram admitted.

"But I thought I'd have to try so hard to even get to first base."

"Hahaha. I guess we both had the same thing in mind."

"And just to set your mind at peace, I made projections. Even at your best, your stores will just be giving me max of 15% of my business. I can easily get that elsewhere, you know what I mean?"

"Yeah, and I appreciate what you're saying. Really, I do."

"So, if this is going to be complicated for you, I can even just abandon the application."

"What??"

"That's how much I like you, Ram."

"No need for that, Omar. That's extreme. I told you. I thought about this, too. And as far as my conscience is concerned, I am pretty clear that you did this on your own merit."

Omar blushed a bit. "Thanks. Really. But beyond that, I want to take this further."

"Aren't you going a bit too fast?"

"Fast? Ram! We've been practically seeing each other for more than a month. Besides, I know how I feel. ... I just don't know how you feel." and Omar turns away.

"Omar, I like you. That's it. And if you want to take this further, I'll go there with you."

Omar's face lit up like a light bulb.

"Let's just take it slow. No need to rush. I'm not seeing anyone anyway. I don't even know about you. You've got a family."

Omar cut him. "I've got a kid, and parents. That's my family. And even if I'm not out to them, I know we could work something out."

"Slowly?" Ram asked.

"Fine. Slowly." Omar replied and planted a kiss on his cheek.

"Let's cuddle some more."


Note: This is a friend's story. A few years after, Ram and Omar are still going strong. When PC and I heard about their romance, we knew it had to be shared. You don't find love. Love finds you, even in the most unexpected places. Even in those places you thought Love shouldn't exist. If it's meant to be, it will happen. Cheers! CC



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