man-crush

i believe it was in june when i first saw his profile appear on the app. he boldly posts his face, up front, an affront to those of us who were hiding as dismembered bodies: torsos, hips, lips and noses. he had that practiced smile, from a million poses. but his was a face i instantly took a liking to. if ever there was a cc type, this was it. the semikal hairdo was a bonus.

he reminded me of my cousin. a cousin 7 years my junior. he actually is almost a deadringer for him. the perfect nose, the chinky eyes. only now do i realize that i actually had a crush on my cousin. nothing sexual really. a man-crush. his chinky eyes always looked like they wee ready to head off to slumber land. his side of the family has always been blessed with abundance. so he speaks with the air of quiet money. he wasnt particularly intelligent but he always seemed so sure of himself.
my cousin's glory has seen better days now. the hair has woefully receded. the pockmarks of acne past has marred in certain places. we are hardly in touch but facebook reminds me of his presence often.

and looking at this guy in the app, i feel the instant attraction. an attraction i tried to fight. i waited and waited for him to be the first to initiate a conversation. it was my damn ego. my torso in the profile should be able to attract him, too. why shouldn't it, i asked in my brazen conceit.

well conceit conceded to humility. no chat. no hello. yet i see him and his smile, and that green dot that reminded me he could see me but remained disinterested. oh my ego, bruised and hurting. i wanted to block him right away.

but a final look at his face, that eternal summer in his eyes, stopped me from crossing him out to oblivion. so i continued to wait. and build some courage to initiate, to reach out.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad