Poem Shared

The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

shared by a friend.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

a foul mood

admittedly, i am moody. little things set me off. and i can't stay put until i've expressed disappointment, irritation, anger, even.

i'm pissed off now because my living room window view is ruined. two weeks back, my mom ordered the male help to cut off the branches of the kaimito in front of my window. without my permission, without my knowledge.

i love that kaimito tree. i went through great pains to make sure that it becomes an integral part of the new house. during construction, it seemed dead, with most of its major branches cut-off. but when everything cleared, it started growing again, lushly. i was happy the way the branches and leaves were actually blocking part of my window, providing a nice foliage from the inside, and screen from the outside. it took months for the tree to grow that way.

she had it cut off. she was afraid that it was growing wildly.

that was two weeks ago. when i saw it cut, i went to her and told her, respectfully, trying to maintain my composure, that she shouldn't have done that. that she should inform me of decisions like these that affect my unit. she apologized. i stepped out.

i've somehow managed to forget it for the past weeks. but today, as i try to enjoy my living room, i look out and see a ruined view. and my temper just rises instantly.

i am not the loud type. i will show my foul mood by clamming up. by not engaging in conversation. i want to express this displeasure to her again. and tell her i feel so pissed.

but i won't. i can't. nothing will come out of it. the branches and leaves won't grow any faster. and telling her off will just hurt her. no matter how tactfully ill try to put it.

though i know my sudden mood change, my cold treatment also affects her and affects them, i can just lie about it, if asked. a bad day at work.

so this post is for me, raider. sorry. i just had to let it out.

Thursdays with CC: The Written Word vs The Spoken Word

Obviously, I like writing. I like translating thoughts into the Written Word. In the corporate world, the Written Word means documentation. Documents institutionalize agreements, understanding, processes, correspondences, reports, opinions. These documents form part of the necessary administrative backbone of any company or organization.

But I believe in limits to the use of the Written Word.

I remember a colleague who used the email for each and every comment, reprimand, criticism, complaint. And she makes liberal use of capitalization, punctuation, symbolism to make or prove a point.

Her peers, direct reports are greatly offended by her use of the Written Word. I decided to talk to her to get her point of view. She explained that she resorts to emails because she is afraid that verbalizing her thoughts and feelings would just lead to arguments and debates. And she will end up being very hurtful. Writing, for her, is the less offensive way of dealing with negative issues.

i gave her my opinion on the matter. i have learned to rely more on the Spoken Word, specially when discussing sensitive matters. For me, a confrontation, a verbal tussle still trumps a strongly-worded written letter when it comes to relationship value.

I value my relationship to you so much that I would rather discuss it with you personally, allow you to explain your side and hopefully, reach some kind of agreement or understanding. I will see your reaction as you will see mine. Full transparency in communication.

Which is what I feel the Written Word does not do. It gives an effective screen to hide under. Face-to-face communication requires much more character.

Yes we can argue. Yes, we could even have a word war escalation. But these Spoken Words, though hurtful, will not be set in stone the way the Written Word will be. More so in this day and age, anything electronically written has a way of surviving. Those offensive terms and comments are released into the electronic universe. These can come back to haunt, further hurt and damage people.

I advise restrain in the use of the Written Word. Much much restrain. Try as much as possible to use the Spoken Word first. Again, it takes much more character and courage to speak rather than to just write.

just said no

just came from a date with this guy i like having sex with. we get together once every few months. he would come over the condo and we'd have wonderful sex everytime. he still turns me on. he knows what buttons to push. and he's such a great bottom.

he sends text messages on certain occassions. last week, he was teasing me about my many dates and as a consequence, the way i have forgotten him. then he asks me why i never took him out on a date. i told him that its not that i didnt want to but i just felt we both wanted to stay at home instead. but since he was nice anyway, i told him we'd go out on a date.

we had dinner and watched a movie, the way dates do. he actually looks better now, still a turn on for me. but after the movie, i decided to just take him home. though i was originally planning to have sex again, i changed my mind. and he had that look of disappointment on his face.

driving home, i was wondering why. partly it was getting late and i didnt want to stay up late fucking. then i had to think whether he expected to sleep over or to be brought home after the deed is done. or it really is andropause setting in (male menopause).

then a voice inside me asked "are you saving it up for someone special?". that last question made think. and it seemed like it resonated more than the others.


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supplement

over dinner at a friend's posh condo unit

hay naku nga naman, he (subject 1) doesn't deserve him (subject 2). he's such a nice guy seriously.

oo nga, crush nga niya (pointing to one of us) siya (s1). hahaha. niyapus-yapos na niya.

and i can't understand bakit yun ang pinalit niya?! imagine, before they left for abroad while s1 was packing alone in his house, ang s2 eh may kakuyangyangan ba naman sa condo nila! right on the night before their trip!!

ano ba itsura nung playmate?

sus! a young waifish guy. totally uninteresting, especially compared to s1! imagine yun ang pinalit niya!!!

teka, hiwalay na ba sila?

hindi pa.

bakit 'pinalit'? di naman niya pinalitan si s1.

well, oo nga no? eh ano yun?

supplement lang.

gratitude

thank you for sending this iphone as temporary replacement for what i lost. yes, your offer was no hoax at all. genuine and real. like your friendship. you affirm the goodness in people. i may not deserve this. or may be so many more people do. but since it is here, i shall treasure the gesture and make sure that it will be cared for. to be returned once the real replacement comes.

again, many, many thanks.

video break

and i thought the fabcasters were being campy. lol. have fun, dude.

CC Inceived

I could already see you rolling your eyes. Another Inception review and/or analysis, you exclaim.

But wait, this is not another analysis, not another take on the philosophy of it. or it's attempts to be story-consistent.

perception:perceive, conception: conceive, deception: deceive

inception: ______ so i believe that by enjoying the movie, i was inceived. :-)

i did it again

here i am again, apologizing. i'm sorry you're feeling this way now. i didn't realize you felt that way. I really, really didn't intend for anything to happen that night. Things just fell into place. I dont want to dismiss what you feel as a consequence of youth and inexperience.

Of course i find you attractive. i wouldn't make out with you if otherwise. but you'd have to know that these things should be taken at the value of the moment, when it comes to me. no interpretations. no expectations. the here and now of it.

i know you'll soon get over this . that much is true. and you'll just laugh about how this all sounds in days.

but for what it's worth, i'm really sorry you feel that way.

libido, where are thou

you must have left me. where before there was you in abundance, in fullness. a mere touch, a smoldering look will stir you up. and i am up aflame, looking for a body to quench the thirst.

where there is dearth of enthusiastic partners and mates, i easily turn to visions and images. and satiate my self. pleasure enjoyed solitaire.

but lately, i have not felt you. the places that arouse you seem to have turned cold. even the thought of self touching self seems a chore. is it winter yet?

a typical ex dilemma

a short post: raider/blogger clandestine planet is in a bit of dilemma. any comments you guys may have for him?

http://clandestineplanet84.blogspot.com/


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a peculiar series of encounters?

i've noticed a peculiar phenomenon that has been happening to me and i still dont know how to tag it.

i was chatting once with this grindree when i punctuated my statement with 'megaknown'. his reply was 'ay parang si mr fu'.

i was puzzled. 'sino yun'

'igoogle mo'

i hastily searched and saw a name 'jeff...' and concluded it was his ex. 'uuuy. naalala pa nya'

'hahaha hindi no! dj siya sa radio at nag-tv na rin. lagi siyang may "may ganon?'.

i havent heard of this mr fu and he mentions it like i should have.

the following day, i listen to some officemates talk about mr fu! and i was so surprised. then in the newspaper, an entertainment columnist talks about mr fu. so all in the span of a few days, i start reading, hearing about this name from multiple sources.

case no 2: im chatting on the phone with my new friend. he casually mentions murakami as one of his fave authors. im curious and ask him for more information, and the titles of his book i should read.

a day after, im reading time magazine. in an article about the best summer reads, i see there again murakami, as recommended by one of their editors. 'kafka by the shore' as a great beach companion.

and just this morning, as im reading the wall street journal, i read about him again, as the first japanese author to have his book e-published for ipad exclusively, with no hard copy planned. and that prompted this post.

so the phenomenon goes like this. you encounter one new term, or one new issue or concept from nowhere. then in just a few days, you will have read about it, heard or even seen it from disparate sources.

is this buzz marketing at work? but it's not as if it all came from talk and referrals. it is unrelated and multi-media. or did my initial encounter with the term 'open' a subconscious eye to actively seek out this new term? a way of searching for more information? what was previously filtered out was now part of the 'radar'?

at best i could only tag this as 'synchronicity' but that sounds woefully inadequate.

hmmm. has this happened to you before?

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to recent raiders

welcome to the closet! i've had quite a few new raiders (i call you closet raiders rather than readers. yeah, yeah, some of you hate that) comment saying that they are new. i have not been able to answer comments as faithfully so i hope this communal message suffices for now.

thank you, thank you, thank you for reading. it humbles me that you are actually here, enjoying this old faggy fart's musings, emo and what-nots. i appreciate so much your time and effort, and your comments!

and for all those who have been faithfully reading these past years, my sincerest thanks, too. you are not just raiders, you are friends.

some things lost, some things gained

with a slight hangover, i woke up yesterday morning severely missing my phone. i kept on wishing it was a bad dream. i would wake up to the familiar message tone. but no tone, no phone. i really did lose a phone still under a f**kng plan.

it was sheer stupidity. my shorts didnt have deep pockets. i was getting drunk. though i confined myself to one place, the bar as self-proclaimed fab bartender, i would go around from time to time, or just move bottles, etc.

i'm thinking i must have dropped it somewhere. even though there is a part of me thinking someone could have picked it from my pocket. i'm still hoping for the best, maybe one of the guests found it and will return it to me soon.

i hesitate to think that the fabcasters' party has been infiltrated by someone we could not trust. but then again, it's still my stupidity to have put the phone in that darn pocket.

so sunday morning was kind of a haze for me. i got through lunch wanting to go back to the scene, pick up some stuff i brought for the party. and when i finally got there, a vain attempt to search for my phone. which, of course, did not turn up anything.

then it was a children's party to attend in alabang. before that, some shopping for gifts in crossings dept. store. then late mass near the nano-enterprise.

i found my spirit no longer drooping because of the incident. i was actually back to being perky and just thinking of other things. it helped that a message from a new friend was straightforward: "get over it. things money could buy are replaceable." mopey me, used to wallowing, was told just get it on.

at the mass, i was already uplifted, just praying and having my private conversation with Him.

hope springs eternal. the one who found it may still want to give it back to me. but most importantly, the attitude is done and over with it.

yeah, i miss qwerty. i'm back to a typical keyboard. but i've gained some more control over my emotion. so i've gained something, too.


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its not about me

it was a wonderful evening. just singing, dining, a bit of drinking. i'm looking at him and thinking 'God he's got such a hot, sexy face (my standards).' and the puzzling thing is that he either doesn't know it or just doesn't care. finally, a person so 'un'-conscious of his looks!

he'd prefer to be behind the camera than in front of it. weird when. you know that he could actually give any of his models, his subjects a run for their money. yeah, i'm that amazed.

if i had that face, i'd be out there working out like crazy to capitalize on the whole package. and id definitely be doing modeling. lol

but with more introspection, i realized how i'm really just projecting my values, my shallow values on to him. even my insecurities. if his is an attitude that just doesn't believe in these things, this vanity of vanities, then bless him. he really is so much better off not obsessed with the rat race of the physical.

and suddenly he just grew more handsome.


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announcement

just in case someone may have found my iphone.
misplaced at the height of the frenzy of the midyear soju party.
do send me a message if it is with you.
i'd be forever grateful.


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Thursdays with CC: Pushing Limits

"i was offered this higher position by my boss. i was flattered but i refused. i didnt believe i was ripe for it. it's a huge task. and i didnt feel up to it yet. i didnt want to bite off more than i can chew."

i've heard this more than once from different young guys. they actually refused a promotion thinking that they are not up to the challenge. i'm flabbergasted.

i was never like that. i always push my limits further and further. i keep on stretching myself, daring myself to this new level of incompetence. i remembered being asked by my boss to chair this huge event, one never attempted before by the company. with little knowledge on event management and just plenty of common sense, i jumped right in. there were some booboos. some things that could have been done better. but by and large, it was a huge success. and it all started because someone believed i could do it.

you need to trust the higher-ups with decisions like these. they must be seeing something in you that prompted them to make a calculated risk and offer you that position. and for that trust alone, you should just take it. no ifs, no buts. and just think about the impact of refusing. it is tantamount to lacking trust in your supe's instincts, her/his assessment of the situation, of your capability.

stretch yourself, stretch your capacity. a rubber band once stretched never really goes back to its old form. the stretch itself would have changed you even if the goal was not attained.



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man-crush

i believe it was in june when i first saw his profile appear on the app. he boldly posts his face, up front, an affront to those of us who were hiding as dismembered bodies: torsos, hips, lips and noses. he had that practiced smile, from a million poses. but his was a face i instantly took a liking to. if ever there was a cc type, this was it. the semikal hairdo was a bonus.

he reminded me of my cousin. a cousin 7 years my junior. he actually is almost a deadringer for him. the perfect nose, the chinky eyes. only now do i realize that i actually had a crush on my cousin. nothing sexual really. a man-crush. his chinky eyes always looked like they wee ready to head off to slumber land. his side of the family has always been blessed with abundance. so he speaks with the air of quiet money. he wasnt particularly intelligent but he always seemed so sure of himself.
my cousin's glory has seen better days now. the hair has woefully receded. the pockmarks of acne past has marred in certain places. we are hardly in touch but facebook reminds me of his presence often.

and looking at this guy in the app, i feel the instant attraction. an attraction i tried to fight. i waited and waited for him to be the first to initiate a conversation. it was my damn ego. my torso in the profile should be able to attract him, too. why shouldn't it, i asked in my brazen conceit.

well conceit conceded to humility. no chat. no hello. yet i see him and his smile, and that green dot that reminded me he could see me but remained disinterested. oh my ego, bruised and hurting. i wanted to block him right away.

but a final look at his face, that eternal summer in his eyes, stopped me from crossing him out to oblivion. so i continued to wait. and build some courage to initiate, to reach out.

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Rantings:

coffee shops should realize that allowing their customers to indefinitely occupy tables to study, read while only consuming minimally can only lead to lost sales opportunities. they should use revenue per table per hour as a reference indicator. P150 beverage over two tables over 2 hours is only equivalent P37.50 per table-hour. A customer who consumes the same amount of P150 staying in one table for only an hour is P150 per table-hour. table turn-over is critical especially during peak hours.

i sometimes see one customer occupying not just one table and one chair but more. all the while working on their assignments, reading their papers consuming one beverage worth P150. Some of them even have the audacity to actually LEAVE their stuff and go eat somewhere else! all the while, that table or two remains idle, not earning any revenue.

i can not fault customers for doing so. Customers will feel entitled to it. And really, there is an abundance of inconsideration anyway. So it boils down to how coffee shops do something about it.

my suggestion: identify peak hours. inform customers through posters that during peak hours, that they reserve the right to optimize occupancy and seating. ask the guard to monitor utilization and duration. if possible, actively ask customers if they want to order again so they will feel some discomfort at having consumed so little.

oo, naiinis ako. kahapon lang, nasa coffee bean ako. at talaga naman nakakalat ang mga ganyan customers na tig-iisa ang kanilang hawak na kape, mga naka laptop at dalawang tables, apat na chairs ang okyupado. at ako naman, nakatayo naghahanap ng kakainan ng aking salad at muffin, na may kape, walang maupuan. at may tatlong lamesa na walang tao, puro gamit lang ang iniwan. ang isang barista, ginawan niya ng paraan at kinuha ang lamesang isa para ibigay sa akin. inilipat ang mga gamit dahil magkakasama naman raw sila. at nung dumating ang dalawang taong yun na gumamit ng tatlong mesa at 4 na silya, , patapos ng 15 minuto, sila pa ang may ganang magalit sa barista. di na lang ako nakialam. di naman ako ang inaaway nila, yung barista.

up-sized cc

at the start of june, i tried some muscle-building supplements recommended by an acquaintance from cebu. he is a big, muscular guy who happened to have graduated with highest honors from a top university there. he has meticulously researched on supplementation. and his body was showing results (though tainted because he also uses roids on occasion). he recommended pure creatine and branched chain amino acids to me. he spoke with such confidence and credibility i decided to try it out. i bought what he recommended. on top of that recomm were detailed instructions on usage. amazing.

i asked my personal trainer to measure me at the start of the supplementation. and this included actual tape measurements of my chest, my biceps, waist, hips and legs. then the training and new supplements
began.

i started to feel increases in strength around 3 weeks after. my pt started to commend me for lifting heavier and heavier weights on the bench press, shoulder press and even squats.

i was supposed to measure again by end of june. but circumstances prevented me. so i finally ended being measured by my pt last monday. and the results have been most encouraging!

ive gained about 4cms across my chest and back. (not just the man-boobs, silly!). 2 cms each arm, 2.5 cms hips, 1.5cms for each leg (quadruceps
actually). the waist gained a bit, thats the downside (0.5 cms). but im working on that. i intend to continue with the supplements till end-august. lets see how cc upsizes by then. :-)



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trapped in the trappings

kaw talaga cc! ang tanda-tanda mo na, nag-emo ka pa!

oo nga! ano ba yun? kagagaling pa lang natin sa launch. ang saya-saya pa nung pumasok ka sa car. tapos emo-shit na? hahaha

i heard myself laugh. and then found myself feeling a bit weird. embarrassed. slightly offended. but i took it all in good natured.

bakit nga ba bigla ako nag-emo after the book launch? hmmmm

after some introspection...

i really wanted to stay longer and chat with the rest of the group. migs told me of the meet up after dinner with the rest of the mggff. but im always worried about drivam. i still feel uncomfortable having to make him wait. i would rather drive myself actually.

so i let him drive me home with the intention of going out after.

but this new house, and the new gate. it's actually quite cumbersome to open and close. and i dont want to impose on the household help to have to open the gate for me. and im worried about parking, since drivam won't be there.

so there i was, saturday night, wanting to go out but with all these concerns in my head. inertia has set in.

so i ended up online. wanting desperately to go out but just couldn't overcome the inertia. and being online just made me feel more... trapped. and lonely.

so there.

Size Matters

On a lighter note, i've started collecting these over-sized office supplies. Note the silver ballpen in the foreground for comparison. just look at the bullclip! and the iPad fits perfectly as the mega-me version of the iPhone.

Desperate Housewives Season 6, Episode 4

i loved this exchange between lynett & tom scavo.

they were talking about lynett's growing mammary glands because of the pregnancy. she asks him, why are men so obsessed over big boobs? he answers not all men. but he admits 'i am into big boobs.'

then she asks yet you married me? (flat-chested me) did you feel you compromised? he answers yes. and she is flabbergasted. almost irritated, at the reply.

but he explains further. i need you to be imperfect. because i, too, am imperfect. i know i'm not that smart, or that rich, or that handsome.

awwww. now isn't that just the sweetest thing?

for you who stumbled upon this blog

you found this blog. by accident. did you like it? how did you know that this is me? well, at least before reading that poem.

this blog, well, is as personal as a blog could get. an outlet. silly at times. stupid, too. i'm just happy some people read it. the rantings of an old farty fag.

oh those posts. yeah, that was about you. (embarrassed)

sorry i posted the poem without your permission. it was just so beautiful. i was deeply touched.

i still dont get what you mean when you sent me that fb message. 'i love you in a manner that the situation permits.' (i dont even know if the translation is accurate.)

hey, i'm not asking for anything. i know what the situation is. you have been very clear about that. i've stopped asking why. i've stopped questioning the irony of it. i've stopped hoping and wishing and scheming and planning.

yeah, i'm alone now. and i don't know what's in store for me. but whatever it is, it will be good.

of course we will remain friends. and thanks for wishing me well. i wish you and your partner well, too.

singularity: when it sucks

well, as i mentioned. it isn't always a bed of roses. yeah, it's one of THOSE days (or nights) when all the gadgets, gardens and grindr just don't seem to be enough.

even that hot guy in the party seemed too much effort to pursue for a roll in the hay.

so that feeling is back. the wishful thinking.

i know, i know, just a few posts back it was about having made a choice. and closing doors.

i've closed a quite a few doors lately. because i had to listen to my heart. and the heart was saying otherwise despite feelings like these.

so ill just let this blow over. ill snap out of it again. just like before.

proud of you

i just witnessed how the three different journeys are now in the printed word for every one to enjoy. and i mean everyone. online connection not needed.

two of them call me friend. and i can only be so proud and honored to be called such by them.

i was actually nostalgic as i listened to them deliver excerpts from their books. who would have thought this would happen? who would have thought that this mba classmate of mine, outspoken, opinionated yet lovable and sincere would now have a published book to his name? or who would have imagined that this ad guy, this bath house habitue would eventually blog his way to a book about it? who would have thought i'd end up friends with them?

on second thought, this success is not unimaginable. it is well-deserved, and not a moment too soon. theirs was a blog which resonated, entertained, stimulated. and a wider audience was really needed for such writing.

cheers to you, fellowfabs! congratulations!

gay pride

sometimes (not too often), i am very thankful for being pink. i consider myself so lucky that my world is so much bigger as a gay man, if i compare this with my straight contemporaries. my big world encompasses not just my work, not just my lil office, or my industry. i touch base with people from all walks of life! i have friends who are fashion designers, producers, directors, artists, painters, writers, government people, even those in sports, churches, in the development world (NGO's). i socialize with them during parties, events, activities. interacting with them just rapidly expands my mind. i love just listening to people and understanding their lives, their culture, their passions.

people in the office are constantly amazed at the breadth of my social interactions. and in a very concrete way, i am stimulated to try to inject one idea or one concept from one totally unrelated field or industry into my own. and that is creativity for me, nothing totally unique. just something borrowed from an unlikely source. and it has been bent and twisted and given a new lease on life in a new world, in a new marketplace.

and this is my ode to gay pride. a few weeks too late. :-)

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doomed to a life of misery?

Mark 8: 34 And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 35 For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel’s will save it. 36 For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul? 37 For what can a man give in return for his soul? 38 For whoever is ashamed of me and of my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, of him will the Son of Man also be ashamed when he comes in the glory of his Father with the holy angels.”

Some catholics i know interpret this very basic tenet as a justification for the suffering we are all bound to experience in our life as a Christian. Self-denial would mean embracing our pain, our misery, rejecting the nice things in life. For only in suffering do we find glory.

i myself thought this way. i was 'suffering' denying myself the pleasures of enjoying sex because it was a sin. And my misery was going to be my ticket to heaven.

but now, as i think about it more, i begin to wonder if this is really what it means. Are we really doomed to a life of misery on this earth? Isn't Jesus also telling us that we should be happy? But how could we be happy if happiness meant self-indulgence?

i've now shifted my point of view to believe that Jesus, that God desires happiness for us. He wants us to be happy. Because when we are truly happy, we also become truly self-less. Think of your happiest moments. Aren't these spent in the company of people you love, enjoying it with them? And those moments of self-denial, of suffering, aren't we the most self-centered beings as we are caught up in the pain, in the hurt?

Having said that, i reason now that I believe Jesus doesn't refer to self-denial here in its broadest context. Reading the line through, and the other verses related to it, I feel the Jesus is telling me that this self-denial, this taking up of the cross will happen if and when I will have to face up to my faith. When I am on trial because of my belief in Him, I must be prepared to deny my self, deny my freedom, deny my chance to enjoy life as I tell the judge and the jury that yes, I believe in Him. Yes, I am a Christian, a Catholic. And if by admitting it, I am condemned to severe penalty (the cross) or even death, I will have to embrace it lovingly.

I will ultimately lose my very self. But I will have gained my right to be called a Christian because I was not ashamed of Him, of telling people of my faith even when the consequences could include death.

But even Jesus doesn't wish for that to happen to us. He taught us to pray with that verse 'and lead us not to the test'. He wanted us to keep on praying that this test, the temptation to renounce him will never happen to us. Because He knows that such will be a terrible thing to experience. And we might fail.

So even as we pray constantly not to be led to that test, we must be ready and willing to deny our selves if and when that moment comes, accept the penalty, the consequences and truly be his follower.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

i didnt mean to

i really didnt mean to hurt you. you have to know that. but im so sorry for the pain i've caused.

i did say that it was all for fun, right? i did tell you not to expect. that i can't offer anything. you said it was fine. you agreed.

and now, after some months of this situation, you are hurting. i'm really sorry.

i didn't mean for you to fall. but i know that despite all my earlier disclaimers, it is still my fault. and im sorry for the pain.

i didnt even plan this for this evening. weren't we just having fun? but when i broached the topic of wanting to hold you and kiss you again, i told you that i'm now questioning whether i should. whether it was the right thing to do.

then it dawned on you. my hesitation was my admission. that i was not mr right. i was just mr right now. that burst the bubble of hope. a bubble i also helped build. because i was selfish. because i was near-sighted.

im sorry for hurting you this way.

if you hate me, id understand. i dont like me, too, either.

Thursdays with CC: Control

as managers, your output, your performance is dependent to a large extent on your ability to control. the execution of your well-thought out plans would depend on how well you have identified the controllable factors and what controls you have in place to make sure that things happen as planned.
and even with those factors that seem to be beyond your control, you anticipate and do scenario planning. you give yourself a pat on the back for your skill at control. when things go your way.

but a lot of things will remain out of your control. sometimes, too many things. how could you anticipate an accident on edsa? a volcanic eruption in iceland? an ondoy? a partner's affair?

and when your plans go awry because of these factors, these Acts of God, you lose it. your temper flares up. blood rushes to your head. or you succumb to despair.

ultimately, the only real thing within your control is your self. or at least it should be. your assessment of the situation, your emotional reaction, your behavior, these are the only things that should be placed in full control. because all else are just fleeting in your ability to exert control. and that is the most visible sign of the maturity of your character, the control of your self.

so even as a manager, you will still work on learning how to control events, people to guarantee performance outcomes, remember that you are also a human being who has to learn the control of your self, when all else fails.

On Open Relationships

Probably the first fabcast novela of its kind. a mini series in our blogworld. this six-part couple fabcast featured a relationship in evolution. now on an open phase of sexual intimacy. truth be told, i know one of them since. and he might be reading this soon. :-) truth be told again, i was surprised to hear about the fabcast, actually the troikast, conducted in secrecy. lol. but moving on, i could only remark 'been there, done that'.

my own experimentation with openness happened during my relationship with coffee entrepreneur. cc-ce relationship started monogamous, exclusive. but cc, ever the wandering eye, was soon engaging in secret casual sex with others. after more than a year of this, snd instances when bf almost found out, cc decided to come out with his secret to his bf, a fit of religious guilt as motivator. ce was dumbfounded, quietly enraged. but instead of breaking up with cc, ce quietly requested to open the relationship. and cc, relieved that the penalty was not as harsh, even pleasurable! and thus started the open relationship.

cc recalls the first time they had a third party in their bedroom. they actively searched the town and found this attractive guy willing to be the third party. it wasnt as great or as hot as they imagined. the guy just 'allowed' them to 'ravage' him. it. was laila dee for sharing.

but instead of turning them off, cc-ce continued to look for the perfect third person. then third and fourth persons.. then a fifth somewhere. yeah you get the drift. but instead of bringing them closer, it drove them apart. something within cc, his religious guilt, his romantic ideals just kept on asserting. in the process. his respect for himself, his bf diminished. and that spelled doom for his relationship.

i know about several long-term couples, 10 years and beyond, going strong. All of them are in exclusive relationships with philanderings on the side, one partner more than the other. none of them open, truly open. ignorance is bliss seems to be the operative condition.

but i offer no guidelines, no directions. it can work, i suppose, on a conceptual level. but openness cannot work for me. i know that now.

Singularity Accessory

Sometimes I think that technology has just made being single not just tolerable but fun. It has personalized so many things that used to be so broad-based or mass-based. Much of entertainment needed to be enjoyed with other people: theaters and arenas. Even listening to the radio, watching TV were social activities (families gathered around the gadget and traded reactions, comments, side remarks). Slowly, the age of the individual crept in. Customization for personal enjoyment became the status quo. We could have fun on our own, immersed in our walkman (at first), or Game & Watch or Tamagochi. Yeah, we would have fun comparing our experiences. But that is the consequence of us still being social animals. We needed to communicate with others. Technology continues to provide us with personal entertainment gadgets where sharing is an afterthought.

The short of it: Tis the best time to be single! You can pre-occupy an entire day cocooned in your private world even if you are actually out there in the busiest mall or coffee shop. Yeah, you'll likely smile or even laugh to yourself. But that doesn't look as silly as it did before. As long as there is a visible symbol of personal entertainment (the headphone, the gadget on hand), then people will forgive you as you express your state of being entertained. and not think it is a sorry state of mind.

I write this using this newest accessory, signed below. I am totally immersed in this little gadget, having fun. Alone. :-)


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Legally blond is certainly not bland

Just finished watching Legally Blond the Musical at Meralco. Thoroughly enjoyed it. very well written lines, witty and funny. Nikky Gil was a joy to watch, singing, dancing and acting quite well. Watched it with fellowfabs mcvie, giibbs and some other friends. I liked the set, I like the moves. Jinky llamanzares and Geneva Cruz stood out. The music though good was not remarkable. No one song made a lasting impression. But again I thoroughly enjoyed this musical!

barry

we met under weird circumstances. a friend introduced us for purely business reasons. turned out friend was part of a weird tripartite arrangement, with barry as one of the participants.

eventually, we worked more closely together. and we had a chance to be closer. we would have lunches because he looked like he needed somebody to talk to. turns out his relationship then was falling apart. so some lunch outs were actually punctuated with tears.

barry is cute, mega-talented. it was easy to like him. but i stopped myself, knowing that a shoulder was all he needed.

ill never forget that one time, coming from lunch out, we were inside my office. he looked like he was already feeling better. he closed the door. and hugged me. he looked at me then he kissed me.

i had to pull away. it was my office. it was right after lunch. and he had that hurt look. but beyond that, i felt it was just transference.

eventually he told me it wasnt. it was real. but he also felt that timing was bad. and that we should remain friends. and we did. there was always that soft spot for barry.

years went on. we lost touch. until facebook made it possible to connect again. but we didnt really keep in touch still.

until today. we just finished chatting. and reminiscing. and when it came up that we were both still unattached, we both laughed. and he said something like seeing each other again. and see how things will turn out. but we were both not serious about it.

he's thousands of miles away. and will stay there for a few more years. but that tiny little opening in that conversation touched a spot. that soft spot.

but as all cc stories go, this has no romantic ending.

it's a typical "yun lang"

Green Turns Yellow

i was having dinner with fellowfab who recently ruined our all-single girlgroup. lol. it was amazing seeing the glow, the peace in his face. and that conversation was all about hearing him talk about his current state, a state quite unknown to him.

he tries to be his rational, objective, realist self. and fails. hehe. because there is a side to him that he is discovering. a soft and fuzzy side. hihihi

i started out envying his state. but i couldnt sustain it. i was just too happy for him. And the little things he is finding out about being in a relationship are just so cute.

i wish him and his partner well. though they are taking it a step at a time, the future's so bright, i gotta wear shades. :-)

SAHC: diary entries

in one of the reunions of the group, serg brought pages of a journal that we (nandy, nathan, gerry and i) kept as part of an effort to keep the group intact. we took turns writing the posts. so you will note that the 'first person' keeps on changing. allow me to share with you some entries. as shallow as they come.

feb 12 foundation day
nandy, cc, gerry and i didnt attend classes. we accompanied nandy to san beda. we went to gerry's house and watched 'afternoon delight' an x rated film and some sexy scenes of 'an american werewolf in london.' (nathan)

mar 2 i prepared a merienda to celebrate my birday. invited nathan, gerry, nandy, beth, serg and chiqui. (cc)

apr 2 graduation day (high school)

this is probably the last time that whole gang will be together (nandy)

may 11

we, cc, chiqui, nathan and i left for san fabian at 2pm. hope we will have a good time. ang cute ng guy in front ng bus and the caucasian at the back. we're all so excited. (gerry)

may 27

watched 'sex boat' with chiqui, nathan, gerry at the latter's place. busog na naman! (cc)

july 27

gerry, nathan, chiqui and i watched 'making love' at gerard's place. enjoy naman and we plan to do this every week. (nandy)

aug 5

sef, gerry, nandy, nathan and i watched 'conquest of the earth: battlestar galactica'.. hohum. yawn (cc)

sep 14

naku ha, vivian velez film, 'swedish erotica', pinanuod namin nila sef, chiqui, nandy, gerry and natahn. pati yung 'salem's lot'... corny films pero enjoy pa rin

oct 1 tragedy strikes

nandy! tumalon sa swimming pool na walang tubig. seriously, though, nag-crack ang hipbone niya. visited the poor guy sa gsis hospital rm 612 (nanthan, gerry, and i) brought him brownies (sweet, no?) (cc)

oct 16

nathan, gerry, bong and i heard mass at don bosco makati. we went to makati cinema square after (cc)

nov 20

boy-watching sa makati - nathan, gerry and i went to makati, ate at magnolia greenbelt square.. daming cute (cc)

nov 29

nilagare na ang cast ni nandy. tao na naman ang bakla (cc)

dec 3

binisita namin (nathan and i) si nandy. I learned of beth's kleptomaniac tendencies. (cc)

dec 31

with sef, i bought playgirl magazine sa avenida. with centerfold david bates... a step deeper into homosexuality! (cc)

sporadic entries really. eventually, i was left updating the journal. our pre-occupation then was our growing awareness of our sexuality. we were finally acknowledging sexual attraction towards men. we were watching porn (straight porn was all we could steal then).

other things that we did together - watching movies, watching boys go by. mall-going was still not as hot. and there were just a few choices, most quite far from where we all were.

we were all about 16 - 17yo. teens really. we knew so little of work, of earning, or stress, of relationships. yet it seemed like that was already the whole world. and we were the principal characters.

so distant a memory now.