single-PLU dilemma

a friend hooked me up with a mid-20s chap looking for a date. after some online messaging, we moved to texting and finally meeting up for a date.

he looks fine, smart. but didnt show much interest over the salads and the pasta. at first. he tells me that he has been single for the past 6mos. and he's been dating.

after the date, the texts start becoming more frequent.

"i have decided to stop dating."

"i'd like to get to know you better."

"have you had lunch?"

"got plans later tonight?"

"i wanted to invite you to join me and my friends for movie."

i am suddenly feeling something tightening on my neck. a noose of some sort. am i being paranoid? or should someone tell him to put on the brakes?

commensalism

A symbiotic relationship between two organisms of different species in which one derives some benefit while the other is unaffected

could there possibly be commensals in human relationships? as opposed to predators and prey?

sub-twenty minute fireworks

im inside the elevator, going up. it opens at the lobby. i see this ok-looking guy from afar. he notices me, too. as some people file in, he rushes to get to the elevator.

inside, i see he is wearing house clothes. we seem to be checking each other out. he presses another higher floor. i exit at mine. and as i look back, he exits, too. we look at each other and smile. introductions as we walk to my unit.

as i struggle with the keys, i feel him rub his crotch against my butt. and i feel the growing hard-on. i fumble some more.

i invite him in. close the door and look at him. "quickie?" he asks. and we get to it. i feel his pecker and realize that he is endowed. preliminaries in the shower, just so we feel really clean and we dont waste precious time.

we move on to the bedroom. he gets really into it. after release, he whispers "happy new year'

we shower and clean up. we exchange numbers. he leaves.

all under 20mins.

a case of indecent proposal?

Gentlemen:

for your consideration

suppose that you have an acquaintance of significant physical attractiveness
and you've known him to be quite nice, trustworthy, very pleasant and straight
however, he happens to be in dire straits currently.
though he holds a decent job, he is unable to meet ends meet
because the job doesnt compensate as much
because he has to rent a room for himself
because he needs to support his three children with his ex-girlfriends

you broach to him the idea that he would be better off under 'sponsorship'
that his attractiveness would merit him proposals from wealthy gay donors
he has had these proposals before laid out to him
during the peak of his modeling career
unfortunately because of career choices and his heterosexuality
he had not entertained any of these proposals

however, he has started telling you that he is entertaining the idea seriously
that his affairs with women have brought him to where he is
and that he feels that perhaps, being involved with another man might really be better
and he tells you pointblank that he would rather be involved with you
than with any other

would you consider perhaps taking in the handsome chap
to allow him free board and lodging
and perhaps explore intimacy with a straight man
aware of his circumstances and financial needs?

staying single

i thought that the holiday mood would get to me. i thought that i would be reduced to praying for a relationship around this time. the last time i was single and it was christmas was 8 years ago.

but im happy that it didnt. im not dwelling on single blessedness anymore. i remember previously, i would desperately ask my friends to set me up on dates. and id attend parties left and right, hoping to meet 'the one'.

i guess age has a lot to do with it. mellowing down has made me realize that these dates and parties are for the younger ones. so i put less pressure on myself. and i end up enjoying the party more, the conversation, the chatter!

i'd like to get to that point of being single and just loving it. besides, if i really have so much love in my heart, then i should be able to love the people around - parents, colleagues, friends, employees! so as long as i have all this love to give, i couldnt worry about being single...

maybe there should be more single person movies or shows which have nice, triumphant endings, endings not needing a love interest for fulfillment! i can't even think of one right now!

with fortune and men's eyes

when in disgrace
with fortune and men's eyes
i all alone beweep my outcast state

and trouble-deaf heaven
with my bootless cries
and look upon myself
and curse my fate

i have forgotten most of the poems of my school days. these are the first lines of the sonnet i remember most, sonnet 29. the other sonnet, 18, i remember in full.

i remember these now as i recall my chats with friends the past few days. and it seems that 'fortune and men's eyes', i have been 'disgraced'.

one of them, ill call him matt, wishes that i find my true love soon. he almost sounds desperate as he discusses with our group his search for my partner-in-life (PIL). he told me that there was this hunky acquaintance that he wanted me to meet. the way he describes the guy, a professor of engineering (di ba, macho?), a fitness enthusiast (ran the NY marathon twice!), from a wealthy family (who seems to accept him for what he is), the guy sounds too good to be true. i finally met him by chance when i dropped by matt's place and he also dropped off his gift to matt.

good grief. the guy is gorgeous. mestizo hunk. wow. masters in robotics. and he is for real. the catch: he is actually interested in matt. unfortunately, matt is very much attached (past 15yrs). but it seems like the guy still wants to pursue. how lucky could my friend matt get?

at another time, i was with another friend. and he was telling me about how his single life has been (recent break-up). and though he still pines for his ex, he is not wanting when it comes to the dates availability department. he has been hooking up with some of the people i find very attractive. as in nakuha niya yung mga type ko, especially my big crush. ouch. another very lucky friend.

the lines of the sonnet suddenly became real. and i am all alone beweeping my outcast state.

thankfully, dear Reader made me feel much, much better. but i still couldnt help but wonder how some friends around me seem to be having all the luck...and all the fun.

but i am not one to storm heaven with agonizing 'why me's'. because everytime i am tempted to ask that, i also remind myself that during the good times, i can just as easily as 'why me'.

so i am thankful for friends who share their good fortune. i live vicariously in their experience and feel the same kilig.








plastic =)

thank you for visiting the land of cc

dear Reader,

hello! I'd like to thank you personally for spending some time with me in the land of cc! i hope that last night was as much fun for you as it was for me.

it is not everyday that i 'welcome' readers into my life. but i do find you a special one, dear Reader. i'm glad that we were finally able to meet and eventually meet up, despite our busy lives.

i have always found your comments thoughtful and insightful, though quite few and far between. i actually didn't think you were a regular reader, until of course, you told me so. and that made me smile. hearing readers personally tell me that they appreciate the blog is very gratifying indeed.

i hope you enjoyed the dinner, my way of thanking you for reading. and spending the night over was really, really nice. and during those intimate moments, you managed to surprise me with feats i wouldn't expect from you, based on my shallow first impressions of you. you certainly had my eyes rolling... ill stop with that.

and for sharing some intimate details of your life, thank you. i enjoyed discovering more about you.

soon you will be back to the daily grind, toiling under cloud-covered days, and amidst blankets of snow. and just like my own encounter with such scenery a few weeks back, it could set off a gloomy outlook.

i hope that the special night you spent in cc land would somehow lift that veil and make you feel warm and fuzzy. remember the tight hugs under the duvet during the early morning. and the little kisses and i hope you will somehow feel better.

till next time, dear Reader...

cc

BLS VERSUS LOS

im suddenly able to watch movies. 1. im less busy 2. with a portable dvd in the car, im able to use drive time as watch time 3. with itouch, im also able to convert cardio time to watch time.

ive just finished bangkok love story. and i am drawn to make comparisons with love of siam, worlds apart they may seem.

i love them both. i watched LOS a few months back. but i could still recall the story. interesting that they both reference their country and love in their titles. hmmm.

storylines for both are more complex. many lives weave into each other. i recall similar climactic moments: a scene where there are major revelations, turning points.

despite having adult males in one and pubescent males in the other, both have at their core a very innocent, pure love. one exists in the heart of crime and poverty, the other resides in middle-income academic environment.

the females suffer such tragic circumstances, whether mother, spouse or friend. (ang hirap naman ma-involve sa bading)

and i have to say it: for both, there were many could-be endings (or false endings). mga akala ko tapos na.

but the similarities end there. the human tragedies of BLS are heart-wrenching. its death, its violence, its crime, its suicide. and with that scale, the emotions become tossed ad turned. the high of seeing that first kiss in the bath tub in broad daylight. or that passionate liplock in the rain on the street. LOS is much, much more restrained, but the agony is as palpable (mother's pain, coping with the father, the love that could not express). and it's contemporary, middle-income setting is something i can relate to more. but it still tugs at the heart strings, especially during that farewell.

impressive movies from thailand.

Versa

i got this as an exchange gift, together with M2M Masahe and Erotika.

it started well - shower scenes agad! with a vigorously-rubbing-crotch paolo s looking like he is thoroughly enjoying himself. i kept on pausing and zooming in, hoping that a glimpse of head would slip through. i didnt see any. but i got turned on.

then my erotique went south after the first 'encounter'. i saw in their eyes, especially paolo s, the look of a torero performing for an audience: he was trying too hard to appear that he was soooo into it. eyes half-closed, he was just nuzzling his nose and lips up and down paolo r's chest and neck. he didnt even show that he knew how to do this right.

as much as i liked the 'voice-over' creative effect, i was still fast forwarding the sex scenes. it was the same, bland 'suggestion' of sex, about as much fun as watching to cats 'go at it' on the roof.

at least versus became versa as both of them bottomed for each other. "ang tunay na pagmamahal' or something like that according to the voice over.

and to think that i found paolo s such a turn-on physically. our friends have a term for him - mukhang t_t_ (!) he really is sexy. meanwhile, i like paolo. i like the way he looks, he is good looking in a classy kind of way, especially in his daybreak performance.

but together, the film failed to put enough 'connection' between them to put me on fire. i thought i was going to have my hands full, taking care of myself. sigh. i had to put the lube back in the bedside cabinet. =(

100 cheers

allow me to be nega first: the audio was bad. there were words i couldn't hear. maybe the acoustics in that old SM city cinema coupled with an audience of possibly 30 only made it even worse. i was straining to hear some critical lines. the lighting was bad, too. i found it dim, from the 'dream sequence' start all the way. i wanted to look for a remote and press 'brightness' and 'contrast' all the way up! or is it the cinema's fault again???

there were times it felt too long. but i think it's partly the bad audio and the dim lighting of the scenes. (i almost dozed off once or twice)

and sometimes, the musical scoring (or absence of it) did not help to create the scene. or maybe im used to the lush soundtracks of western movies.

but, but, but i found it to be a wonderful movie.

pacing is good and fast. the story was very believable. no stretches of the imagination. the dialogue was real and conversational, including that brief shouting match between joyce and her mom.

creative treatment i also enjoyed. the pinatubo dream sequence is by no means original but i still enjoyed the continuity at the end.

i love the concept that the post-its did not just come from her. eventually, the other significant people in her life were writing 'to-do' stuff. from being in full control, she had to surrender and let them in.

mylene as joyce is almost seamless. her characterization was consistent and, thank God, no breakdown hysterics.

tessie tomas looked like she was trying too hard at first. but she quickly settled into the role after the 'reveal'.

and the friend, ruby, of course, was quite stereotypical as a counterpoint to her. but i still found her enjoyable and not trying to be too funny. (at say mo, british ang jowa!)

i was expecting to shed some tears, as i like doing (hehehe). but i didnt. there were a few almost moments. which in the end, is what i like best about the movie. its about dying. its about relationships in that context. its not sappy or apologetic. it seemed factual yet tender. a delicate balance that i felt the movie achieved laudably!

i hate the fact that i missed the fabcast with chris martinez.

its not just three cheers... its 100 cheers for the movie!

gratitude

it was mgg's christmas blow-out last night. aside from the fabcasters, there were old and new faces, mostly friends and bloggers/readers. i didnt know a lot of them (mcvie knew most of them). my problem: i dont read blogs as often as i should. i dont have much time to follow-up on blogs, or to discover new blogs I could follow. so i have this blank look everytime migs or mcvie would introduce a guest via his/her blog or handle. apologies.

and that also makes me an outsider when as they trade stories familiar to the bloggers and their readers.

but i enjoyed meeting all of them. nice to see that bloggers come in all shapes and sizes! =)

i never assume that any of the guests read my blog. i just found it too presumptuous of me. i'm aware of my small following, not like the other fabcasters and all the others there. so during the intros, i didnt even bother to introduce myself as "cc". (of course, the other reason is of course, my relative anonymity! hehe)

so im amazed to meet readers. im just glad to actually get to know the eyeballs who spend their precious time reading the blog. gives me a chance to say thank you personally.

so to you that i met last night, thanks for giving me a read! i had a great time chatting with you.

and to all the rest i have yet to meet (parang ang dami!), thank you, thank you for following this humble blog! =)

a fist-hand experience

the intimate christmas dinner party ended by midnight. a friend hitched with me going home. ive known him for years, when my ex (before the latest ex) cruised him and became his friend. he's intelligent, very pleasant looking, with an innocent look on his face. but previously, because of his studies abroad, he had become very 'experimental' with sex. and in the car, he told me he was on his way to an small orgy, about four people. but they come together because they all enjoy... fisting.

i'm amazed that this different kinds of 'sexual activities and entertainment' are happening right under my nose (in manila, i mean). i've had this notion that this was very western culture-bound and would probably have almost zero adherents locally. but he quickly dispelled that idea with this story and other stories (golden showers, bondage) that he was already part of... locally!

he asked me if i wanted to watch them at it. curiosity got the better of me. soon, we arrived at the condo of one of the participants. (he had asked permission for me to watch) i went inside the well-appointed unit to see three guys bare naked, one smoking. they had just finished the first 'session' of playing. but they were eager to 'perform' for me.

even as my friend was undressing, one was already on all fours on the nice bed, with his hole facing the audience, me. the other one started to lube his hand and initiated penetrating. soon the fist was nicely inside, complete with the groans of contentment. my half-naked friend was beside them, though he was just letting the other one do the fisting.

i stood there, trying to appear blase about it. they wanted me to experience it (as top) but i was just not getting turned on. I felt like i was just watching national geographic (tonight we feature fisting on our ongoing human sexual behavior series) i just didnt find it erotic.

my friend was asking if i wanted to jump in, so to speak. i politely declined and eventually told them that i was leaving. "you mean you're leaving without even getting a blow job?" the top asked. "Ill take a rain check." its quite late and i need to be home now.

they were all nice people, with kinky tastes in sex. i don't think i'll even get into that.

but im more amazed that there are those who actually would not mind performing before an audience. amazing.

density

we just had our li'l christmas party at the restaurant, the nano-enterprise. it was our first christmas celebration, and i even requested my family, our help to join us.

we had a few games before dinner. then some people started appearing, despite my instructions that this was a private affair. yes, they were all regular visitors, but not necessarily our big-volume clients. but i was surprised that even without invitation, these people just started hanging around. and started eating.

wow. i am amazed at the relative density of these beings. they really didnt care that they were not invited. they actually felt entitled to be a guest. i was disappointed and worried that the food we prepared may not even be enough for us.

i remember one post by lobster on 'entitlement'. he mentions exasperatingly the nerve of some people to feel entitled to benefits, without lifting a finger. i can't agree with him more.

ang kapal talaga ng mukha.

faculty deliberations

part-time faculty get to sit with the regular, full-time professors when deliberating the standing of the students. it was my first faculty deliberation. and most of the professors there were mentors of mine when i was still a student.

i'm looking at them and seeing them so human now. it was natural for me to put 'teachers' and 'mentors' on a different plane then. i deferred to them. for some of them, i would be in awe at their brilliance. i see them now as regular people, yet people i still highly respect.

the discussions centered around awarding 'dean's list' and eventually the top honors during graduation. they really talk about the students in detail, how he/she acted in class, if the student was actually bright or lazy or had a great paper, etc.

i am suddenly reminded of the call one of the professors made to me right after deliberations for our graduation. he called to tell me that they have decided that i was the class valedictorian. BUT he also told me that there was a lot of contentious discussions leading up to the decision!

and it was because of attitude. i remember during my thesis defense, i was getting... defensive (nge) with the cross examination of one of the professors. napikon ako and blurted something sarcastic in reply, but still veiled in humor.

that turned out to be the bone of contention. that professor was saying that i didnt deserve the award. my professor/mentor rose to my defense. he cited that they were deliberating a candidate for honors, not for canonization. and he happily told me that that statement put the discussion to rest.

i didnt know if i should still be elated after that call. the fact that not all of them were on board about it made me feel... weird. but i snapped out of that soon after and happily received the award. and realized that hey, i worked for this. and i deserve this.

im now reflecting how these 'behind-the-scenes' scenarios could determine outcomes, how these could make or break people. is it wiser to know what really happened or is ignorance bliss?

"it tastes sweet"

that's what white meat told me, referring to my man-juice. ('man' daw oh? hehe)

yes, he swallowed. and even as my body was contorting as i approached THAT point, i actually wanted to pull away. i made sure i made my pronouncements ("aah. im cummmin....") just so he would be forewarned. not that i dont want to cum inside. i just dont want him to feel i rammed it down his throat. but he kept at it. and surely, he gulped it down.

and during that after-sex moment of intimacy, he told me that my cum was sweet. diet has a lot to do with the taste of cum, according to wm. and as we talked about it, he told me that diet high in fresh fruits contributed to the sweet taste. which is exactly the kind of diet i have.

which is why he wasnt the first to tell me about it. i guess cc is really sweet to the core. hahaha

im actually surprised that ive been with quite a few people who swallow. i had to ask if this was high risk sexual behavior. apparently for HIV, it's not, as long as the recipient doesnt have mouth sores or open wounds in the oral cavity. but it is high risk for other STD's.

there's heightened awareness for HIV again. reports have been circulating about the sudden jump in cases, specially among the younger MSM practitioners.

let's all just be careful.

it's the x's birthday

.. in a few days. should i greet him? send him an email or sms?

i don't harbor any grudges anymore. but i dont want to send wrong signals. ewww.

do i wish him a 'happy' birthday? yes, i do. i'm happier now. and he should be, too. i guess he is.

we're still not in the talking mode. so should i still be the peaceful one and send a greeting?

what do you think?

white meat that's good for me

i viewed his profile in one of those social networking sites, surprised to see someone white as a friend of one my friends here. besides, i found his profile picture very attractive.

he quickly replied, wondering if we had met previously. that started the exchange. but i got thrown off when i found out he was actually married. we made the jump to texting. and through the texts, i quickly established that being married will not be a hindrance to having fun with another man.

we met up at a starbucks outlet. and he is attractive, a very hot american. he was also witty and smart. and when i invited him to the condo, he didnt resist.

he is the first white guy ive brought to the condo. and boy, the sex was hot. he is such a turn on. sexy, handsome with big grey eyes, thin lips. and he was muscular and extremely endowed down there. he is such a kisser, as i am. and there were intimate moments, too. and good conversation.

we took a light nap after, in each other's arms. and he left because the wifey was waiting.

ironic isn't it. two weeks in the u.s. with hardly any sex with anyone white. barely a week back in manila and i hook up with a great looking american. a wonderful one-night stand. =)

now it can be told

earlier, i posted a dialogue with perfect man, a confession and a farewell. that dialogue didnt really transpire. i wanted to do it, i asked for a coffee date. but it never happened because we both got too busy (he cancelled that coffee date). but in my mind and in my heart, i still wanted that conversation to finally take place.

it finally happened, that bittersweet moment, a few days ago.

i invited him to dinner this time, at a nice, secluded date place that i love. i fetched him and brought him there. there was wine, antipasto and full dinner. and though the conversation seemed strained at first, it relaxed and quickly picked up as we talked about his trips and mine.

i found out more about his longtime partner, how it came about. and how much they have both invested in what they have. and he touched on some current relationship concerns (a very jealous lover his partner has become).

and he confided his own recent explorations (late bloomer) but always knowing his limits. i probed into an 'almost-affair' he had but he felt strongly that it was never going there. he knew how he wouldn't jeopardize his relationship for this other person.

that, and the wine, emboldened me to finally say my piece.

after much fiddling, i finally admitted to him how strongly i feel for him. how i feel that he is the perfect man for me. how i, despite what i feel, will not cause him or his relationship trouble. just like how i wrote it pretty much. what i didnt anticipate was his answer.

i feel the same way towards you. if you were that person i got almost involved with, i would probably have had a major dilemma. if you consider me the perfect person, i also think you are perfect. i have been fantasizing about how it would be if we were lovers. i feel that you would be a lot more relaxed, less jealous compared to my partner.

i want us to stay in touch. but i understand what you mean. i'd still like to see you and find out how you're doing.

i emphasized that i would not text him anymore. but i would always reply should he text me. and should he need me for whatever reason, i will be there for him.

we left the restaurant, relieved that all of this is finally out in the open. back in the office building, he asked to use the rest rooms and have some water. i hurriedly opened the office and got him water.

as i approached him, he hugged me, he hugged me tight. and i hugged him back. and finally, the kiss. after having imagined this for countless nights, i have finally felt how it is to kiss my perfect man.

i remain in a daze over what happened. but i have remained true to my word, and have stopped initiating sending him SMS. but every time he sends me a message, i reply, promptly.

i do not expect anything anymore. i have been blessed with having known that the perfect man exists. and that for a single moment, i was able to kiss him and hug him. he may not be mine. but during that moment, he was.

same time, next year

it's great to be back in manila. the downside is not being able to update my blog as often when i face the realities of work, school, extra-curriculars, etc. excuses, excuses.

back in nyc, i had the chance to meet up with a "the boy from new york city" just like last year. we maintained some contact through the year. but during the time i was finalizing plans for this trip, he stopped emailing. only when i got here did i finally get an email from him. he was apologetic for not writing. he just got too busy with work, with a new business venture and a new boyfriend. but he did say he still wanted to meet up while i would be in nyc.

oh. a boyfriend. so i guess this was going to be a purely 'friendly' meet up, not even a date. curiously though, he told me that he was NOT going to bring his bf along. seloso daw.

so i had no expectations as i walked to the starbucks near his place somewhere in east village. it was a mid-morning meeting, to lead up to brunch. but he quickly brought me to his place so we could continue chatting. hmmmm.

his fabulous place looked a lot less fahv since his bf moved in. ang gulo na. and there was the bf's chihuahua which kept barking at me. nakaka-amoy 'ata ang aso ng masama.

after some chit chat, as i was sitting on one of his bar stools, he went up to me and planted a long wet kiss. my balloon thought: di ba may jowa ka na???? and so it happened. regardless of the jowa, he still wanted to ah... play with me. fine. except that stupid dog kept barking.

and while we were on the bed, the dog was there, too. and that dog was actually licking my foot as we were busy entangled. aba, gusto ng threesome ng aso!

a quick shower after and we were out, mindful that bf just might suddenly appear. we had brunch at a diner near by (so SATC). and reminisced about our previous meetings. this is the 3rd time in 3 years we've actually been meeting. and always around december. hahaha. its broke back, transcontinental.

we parted ways, with a 'same time, next year' look.

my only sex in manhattan. with the same guy i had sex with last year. im a creature of habit. =)

the simba experience

i wanted to watch 'billy elliot the musical'. but there were no good tickets available. the good seats were selling at $300. no way. so i settled for a musical that would be a visual delight.

i watched 'the lion king, the movie' about 13+yrs ago. i watched it while i was still assigned in davao, something i blogged about i was assigned in davao primarily because i was becoming a pain in my ex-boss' butt. he was one boss i had such a hard time dealing with. he was one who would berate me and other managers regardless of who was around. and we suspected him of carrying a clandestine affair with one of the reps. and when the talk was getting louder, he 'canned' me by sending me to far-off davao.

he was our GM. but i had lost all respect for him. everybody in the office was afraid of him. and they were all telling me to fight back. they wanted me to tell the owner of what he has been doing. and that i should be the one leading the team, not him. but i couldnt since i was 'marooned' on the island of mindanao. and i was afraid myself. i knew he knew of my preference. he had joked about it. i knew it wasnt beyond him to use that card.

but even as i was there in davao, i couldnt deny the weight on everybody's shoulders because of him. morale was low, and i could only just offer reassurances.

watching 'lion king, the movie' inspired me to 'take my rightful place' in the company. i was moved by the movie to action, to fight for what i believe in, to fight for the people. i truly empathized with simba as he came to the realization...

i boldly plotted my program, aware of the consequences (getting fired, humiliated possibly). but i had to tell the owner of what was happening. and he listened. in a month, the GM resigned. and the burden was lifted.

that was in end-1995, when he finally left. and after two more years of hardwork, the company started finally gaining momentum. morale was back. and the structure was put into place.

we have grown leaps and bounds since then. and i proudly look at where we are now. and i know that it was all of us working together.

it's fitting that i watched the musical today. it reminded me of what i have gone through, and what i have become.

on a side note, i am just amazed at the sheer creativity of disney in translating the movie, the animation into a theatrical experience. i love the way the animals were created, part puppetry, part costume design. the moving set with its center ramp that rises maybe two stories above was just amazing. it was a true experience.

i must admit that i had more fun at 'wicked'. maybe because i knew this story ahead. but somehow, wicked was well, wicked in its storyline! hehe. but im glad i was able to catch this show, possibly in its last year of running in broadway, both for entertainment and sentimental reasons!

closing shop

i can't believe when i read the email from migs that he is about to close the site, the manila gay guy. migs made it all happen for cc to come to virtual life. he set up that dinner with gibbs and mcvie. all three of them convinced me to start the blog.

and now, mgg is closing shop. i have yet to find out why. but knowing migs, this must be a well-thought out decision.

i read some of the comments. it must be very heartwarming for migs to read the appeals NOT to close the site. and the messages, most of them had only the nicest things to say about mgg, the site and the site owner.

i have entertained thoughts of closing cc down, too, particularly when i was still in a relationship, the blog was a secret. i had major fears of being 'found out', my infidelities to be read by my ex. of course, all that is moot and academic.

to migs

thanks for inspiring me to write my own blog because of your site. you are not only a dear friend, pre-mgg, but a mentor as well. your blog is a great MBA case in itself. hahaha. wish i could write the case for you!

and to the next major endeavor of migs, cheers! i await eagerly what this will be!

cc

sometimes, it just comes back

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riding the bus from dc to nyc, i had 4 1/2hrs of nothing much to do. it started snowing hard in dc, and along the way, i was just looking at the snow-laden trees, devoid of leaves. it was a beautiful sight. something i dont get too see too often.

but the snowy landscape, coupled with piano solos on my ipod, started to bring back memories...

last year, almost at exactly the same time, i was also in nyc. and we were still together. i was over my affair with enigma. and my ex and i, we were still having problems. i was feeling burdened by all the ice-cold treatment he was giving me. yet i was buying all these pasalubongs for him, always conscious of giving him nice presents for his birthday and christmas.

i still was not imagining that we would be breaking up. i was still hoping he would thaw and that we would get back to normal. then the twist of fate. i discovered his affair, his two-year affair. and that was that.

i actually dreamt about him a few weeks back. it was a positive dream. seemed like old times.

then i am in the italian restaurant beside my hotel in dc, having quiet dinner alone. music playing is andrea bocelli. and it includes a favorite of his when i met him, 'con te partiro' or 'time to say goodbye' in english. i adopted it as a theme song. funny that it should actually be 'time to say goodbye'. haha. a portent of things to come seven years after. weird though is hearing it just as i was in this mood.

i suddenly felt sad. not so much because i miss him. but i miss the life we had, when it was still good. when we were still loving and hopeful and happy.

i sometimes feel that i failed miserably. that maybe i could have changed something. then i realize that it was as much his fault as mine.

but that doesnt change the way i feel at the moment, looking at that white, bleak landscape.

i feel that i have this chest of drawers of memories. and this chest remains out of sight for most of the time. but there will be moments when i would need to open the drawer, if only to remind myself that i have gone through the pain. and i have survived. then i close the drawer again.

IJ Case 8: HK Lounge, NYC (Close Encounters)

I googled "hot+gay+clubs+nyc" and got this place as one of the top results. located in the area called Hell's Kitchen, HK Lounge seemed like a really nice place, judging by the website. so i decided to check the place out despite the near-freezing temperature. it was SOOOO cold walking the streets of manhattan!

it was fairly easy to find. and the interiors i actually really liked: high ceiling, mix of white and textured, brick walls. not very big. and unfortunately for a friday night, not full either. typical of the gay clubs here, there was the requisite hunky waiter (here featured is a hunk from venezuela)

i was disappointed that there were only about 20+ people in a bar that could hold probably 80+. but since i didnt want to go home in the cold, i decided to stick around. by 11pm, the gogo boys got up on the bar to dance. i wasnt sure if they'd allow me to photograph them. but nobody bothered to tell me off so i guess it was okay.

i just stayed there watching the boys and the clients. there were a few goodlooking ones but definitely they were all in groups. (very hard to go to these places alone and expect a pick-up, at least for me) so i was just having fun watching the bartender and the gogo boys.

this guy apparently noticed how i was just staring at his bod lustfully, he approached me and allow me to take his picture UP CLOSE. and he started gyrating in front of me. i had to put in a few dollars to show my appreciation. (and to allow me to touch his crotch) and he just kept dancing there. and so i let my hands do the talking... feeling his really great big butt. hahaha. and since he was on the bar, there was a point he was actually on his knees, thrusting his hips towards my face to the beat. good grief, that was hot. a breath away from eating him.

but i restrained myself, and just let this very close encounter with a gogo boy sustain me till i left with a nice smile.

would i recommend the place? hmm. hard to say. there were mixed reviews about it. and there were hardly any people there. but with that nice experience, i'd say, well, just check it out and look for ross....

wish fulfillment

it all started in '85.

i was familiar with 'holiday', 'everybody'. but it was 'borderline' that got me hooked to the divine Madonna. i immediately got the album and started my hero-worship of the material girl. she stood for what i've wanted express then. rebellious, sexy-in-your-face attitude.

then the long-playing albums started playing in the house so often my parents would be exasperated at hearing 'express yourself' two million times.

i was desperate to get a poster of her. and at that time, there was hardly any poster of her available. her Time cover changed her status to absolute star. and i was called a 'wannabe'.

i knew i would die just to be able to watch her concert. she's had so many concert tours. there were always talk of Manila as stop. never happened. probably wouldnt be able to afford her?

finally the chance happened. there was a conference in washington. i'd be using nyc as my base, to visit my sister. a quick search revealed the nov 22 saturday show in atlantic city, new jersey, just 2 1/2hrs away from nyc!!!

did my reservations and now it's history. it's a 20yr+ wish fulfilled!

i was at the venue at 630pm. gates opened 710pm. i was like one of the first. and i had great seats on a middle bleacher. i was able to see the convention center literally fill-up with people. wow.

but it was an audience in my age range. hahaha. and of course the queens from everywhere.

she came out 9am, not before a dj worked up the audience for 30mins. and that was a great dj. too bad i didnt catch the name.

i didnt take pictures. i dont want to pre-empt the dvd coming out next year. but seriously, it was worth every penny. the use of the LED panels was mind-boggling. there were like 12+ panels, two were cylinders in the middle . all of these mobile, that would form different shapes (it started out as a huge cube). unbelievable.

my personal highlights: she sang my old favorites - 'borderline', 'like a prayer' and 'ray of light'. and all the ones in the hard candy album i liked. i loved 'she's not me' and even 'devil wouldnt recognize you'! and the 'la isla bonita' productions. she mashed 'into groove' with '4 minutes'. wow.

i left still singing 'give it to me', her finale. ive seen her perform, sintunado at times. but nobody 50yo moves the way she does, in 4" heels.

i can rest now.

another disturbing story

an ad in one of the newspapers rallied against 'cyberbullying': how a teenager actually committed suicide perhaps because of the 'cyberbullies. the last chat message she got was "the world is better off without you. nobody cares about you.'

at first i thought this was too incredulous. like you would actually believe a virtual persona telling you this??@!? but apparently, this was not fictional at all. i just came across the article on the story. OMG. it is true.

very fragile egos, in the formative stage, resort to the internet as a sort of 'safe haven'... a place where you could choose to be someone else. unfortunately, the persona they chose was still a target of bullies. and the anonymity of the identity only made the attacks more vicious, on such fragile egos.

i bleed for the victim of the attack. i could imagine how rejected that teenager must have felt. to think that even 'virtual society' doesnt deem her fit as a denizen.

the internet is not always the safe place some people make it out to be.

kawawa naman.

last night out, dc

just arrived from my last night out here in dc. a bit tipsy from the vodka-based drinks ive been drinking. (plu's drink vodka or gin based drinks here, not beer. it doesnt look classy enough to hold a bottle) i went to duplex diner, a nice hang out. got to meet a filipino plu contingent thru a friend. but they left me because they had to watch a movie. luckily, a german based in dc, followed by an american managed to entertain me in their absence i had a good time chatting with them. the german was actually cute but he was sort of dating one of the pinoys. the american was vocal about liking me. but he just wasnt my type. i really wanted to hang out more with the german and some other cute americans there but nabakuran ako. (fenced in)

i checked out another club, cobalt, a few blocks from there. it was a dance club with a distinctively multiracial clientele (latinos, south asians, orientals, etc) didnt stay too long. but long enough for a peruvian to come up to me and tell me that he liked me. (and a wet kiss on the cheek as he said goodbye) read the mixed reviews on the link, though.

it was nice seeing a group of pinoy plu's hanging out together, all 5 of them. when i would hear of the way crab mentality gets into pinoys, i see these diverse group hanging out in a bar and watching twilight together. go pinoy! and they seemed pretty popular there (the german was locking lips with one pinoy nurse. another caucasian was another pinoys date)

dc is a cool place. a bit more open to different races and cultures than nyc, i would think.

confirms my notion that we attract the latinos and the african americans more than the caucasians, unless they are certified rice queens.

IJ Case 7: The Crew Club, Washington, D.C.

Bath houses or saunas are not popular here anymore. PLU's prefer online meet-ups that become eb's. Last year, i didnt bother to check out the few saunas in nyc.

but this afternoon, upon arriving at washington, d.c., i decided to do an online search 'gay+washington, dc'. and i got a short list of 'entertainment options' for the PLU. well, there was just one sauna/gym, and since i was quite free, i decided to check it out: the crew club.

it wasnt hard to find. though it was quite a walk from the nearest metro station (mcpherson square). upon security check, you are led to the gym area. but nothing happens there. i went up to the 2nd floor where Everything happens.

a lounge greets the visitor. this lounge becomes the locker area and eventually the communal shower system, and the rest of the wet floors. the dry sauna is small but the wet sauna is labyrinthine, with little 'cubicles' or stalls where one sits and has a bit of privacy to engage one or two.

outside is the room maze, with many rooms. the style here is that you could choose between getting a locker or a room. i opted for a locker.

the place is not new. and it smells it, especially the dry sauna. it is quite well lit for a bath house. which i appreciate so i could see the fez of the patrons.

the patrons are largely matrons, middle-aged caucasians with potbelly to show. a handful of youngish ones, those into daddies, i guess. there was one who looked hispanic, one who was south asian and totally asian (cc!).

the hispanic signaled interest early on. but i started with a young caucasian, looked jewish. he was just so into my pecs/boobs. he actually came just touching me. hahaha. i tried the hispanic. he led me inside his room. but wanted to bottom me. uhmm. no way, jose. finally, i started something with the south asian (whom i found the better looking than the rest, with a nice butt, to boot!) and that was hot because i liked him most. but we didnt consumate. we 'moved on' to the others. hihihi

i wasnt much into it so i didnt release. i left after about 2 hours.

it was ok. but nothing to rave about. if only the place lived up to its ad (those gorgeous hunks), i would have been recommending it to EVERYONE.

eye candy as assistant?!

a few posts back, i talked about this former commercial model i met. i didnt really pursue the guy. thought it too much effort.

one time, i received a hello sms from the guy. as i replied (i have to admit, excitedly), we had a short exchange, mainly on how he was doing, and that it wasnt great. figured the guy needed some cheering up, i invited him to join me to watch a basketball game. we had a good time. looked like he was able to laugh and smile a bit.

he actually seemed like a nice guy, a nice straight guy with three kids, two broken relationships (live-in) with females. and he was looking for other ways to augment his meager income.

i have been looking for an assistant to do some internet research for my classes. i needed someone to download u-tube commercials, look for articles on certain brands, etc. when he told me about his computer programming background, i decided to offer him this part-time work. it wouldnt pay much, i told him. but it would fit his schedule because of its flexibility. and from time to time, it would include actual legwork research.

he accepted the offer. and we've worked out an arrangement. and so far, it has worked out fine. he's actually quite smart, quick on comprehension. he's just not very articulate in english.

so the 'trophy boyfriend' ambitions are out the window. he is now under my 'employ'! and the best part, well, is that he looks really good. eye candy and that's all he's going to be!

harassment with consent?

i was referred to this home service massage therapist by a friend. actually, all three of us in the group got his number because of the 'recommendation'! the two booked him ahead and gave him solid good reviews! hmmm. i became curious and horny, of course.

coming from a trip last week, i called him up to book home service. he was very nice and light on the phone. and was laughing t the 'deluge' of referrals he has been getting from my friend. all explainable because of advertising and promotions. the therapist, nino, offered my friend a promo: 3 successful referrals = 1 free massage. no wonder he was spreading the news!!!

he arrived at the condo. not too impressive physically but not bad looking. but he has a nice lean young body. and besides, we have established some kind of rapport because he was fun. he was light and always joking.

he proceeded to massage me. and as he did, he sometimes talk about his stories, the friends he has met. and an occasional joke which i appreciate. the massage was actually good. firm, hard at certain points, especially at the lower back. and he would comment how he liked my butt. he kidded me that i was trying to rush to get to the 'happy ending'. but i told him i wasnt really so excited because i dont really get hard when im being massaged, even erotically. that's why some therapists think im not into it.

i guess he got challenged because he started to slide his chest over my back. but he wasnt done with the massage. when i turned over, he continued the massage, avoiding my 'sensitive parts'. however, once that was done, he offered to give me my happy ending.

in typical fashion, he took off his clothes and started 'romance' me by licking my nipples, caressing my d**k. soon, however, he was on top of me and was already kissing me on my neck, my chest, behind the ear. and he would brush his lips against mine without kissing me.

now this was already turning me on... and getting me rock hard. when i embraced him, he started to kiss me and we started to really go for it. and we went on and on...

until he pulled back and said "im sorry'... i though he was kidding. but when i looked at him, he was serious. "di ko dapat ginagawa yun sa cliente. i took advantage of you. im sorry."

"huh? sorry for what? gusto ko naman yung ginagawa natin..." so i countered.

then he looked into my eyes and started to kiss me more and more... and we had one wild time in bed that night. he kept saying he liked me so much... and he couldnt stop kissing me and cuddling me. but it had to end.

i gave him what was due and he left, not without one final kiss sabay hug... sweet guy.

i was puzzled with that 'change of heart'. of course i wanted sex to happen. but on hindsight, i guess the sex was supposed to be typically unemotional: he licks my nipples, gets on top of me, jerks me off as he lets me suck him. and it would culminate with me, just me, getting to the climax. that was the professional way.

i guess he felt guilty that he had let his emotions get the better of him. and he enjoyed the wild ride. and that i could be a 'victim' of harassment because of the client-service provider relationship. maybe.

it was a good massage. it was good sex. but frankly, i kept on thinking of just one person. and it wasnt the therapist. *sigh*

landian transcribed

i met taipei in the club i went to. he was the one i liked most, though not necessarily the best looking. he had a daddy panda look to him though he's actually younger. much taller than me, he spoke better english than most of taiwanese i met there.

9:50:53 PM CC: hello Taipei
9:51:02 PM Taipei: Hello cc
9:51:13 PM CC: is this your picture?
9:51:27 PM Taipei: Yes, I didn't show my face on msn
9:52:07 PM CC: nice pic. why not?
9:53:05 PM Taipei: Ha... Sometime I don't want to show pic
9:53:12 PM Taipei: no reason
9:53:34 PM CC: ah ok. such a cute face should be up there. do you have facebook?
9:54:12 PM Taipei: No, I didn't spent much time on blog or internet photo book
9:54:22 PM Taipei: My pic is on msn, yo can check it.
9:54:49 PM Taipei: Just back from office, take shower first.
9:54:56 PM Taipei: Chat with u later.
9:55:00 PM CC: cool. now i see the face. sure take your shower first
Changed status to Away (9:55:12 PM)
10:57:16 PM CC: nice... i like this picture
10:57:48 PM Taipei: My friend take it for me three weeks ago.
10:58:16 PM CC: may i as a personal question. do you have a partner currently?
10:58:39 PM Taipei: I am single.
10:58:48 PM CC: ok. cool.
10:58:56 PM Taipei: That is not news, you could get the answer from Ryan or Leo
10:59:18 PM CC: i didnt ask them. was shy.
10:59:38 PM Taipei: Ha... Don't be shy. Just a question.
10:59:48 PM Taipei: Not any meaning
11:00:28 PM CC: hahaha. yes. i was happy to meet you that night
11:01:26 PM Taipei: Me too. It is a very impressive experience
11:01:49 PM CC: i wanted to ask you come with me back to the hotel
11:02:31 PM Taipei: Really?! You didn't say it Ha......
11:02:58 PM CC: but you were too busy then
11:03:55 PM Taipei: Actually I am PR there 噗
11:04:07 PM CC: are you serious?
11:04:16 PM Taipei: Just kiding.
11:04:26 PM CC: oh. hahaha
11:04:28 PM Taipei: Come baby, are you really believe it
11:04:43 PM CC: you look like you were pr there
11:04:54 PM CC: and i did tell you that you were the only one i liked
11:05:16 PM Taipei: Actually there are many people could do the same thing like me
11:05:27 PM Taipei: Don't be surprise
11:06:12 PM CC: yes. you have your friends to entertain there.
11:07:12 PM Taipei: I just spent much to social with friends.
11:07:30 PM CC: yes. i didnt think you like me much.
11:08:46 PM Taipei: Don't say that.
11:09:26 PM CC: that's what i felt. but its ok. i just want to say that i like you.
11:10:12 PM Taipei: Before I meet you, Ryan said he met a very handsome and kind phillpino
11:10:55 PM CC: hahaha. wow. thats so nice of ryan
11:11:56 PM Taipei: I didn't figure out you are interesting in me
11:12:11 PM CC: i told you that.
11:13:23 PM Taipei: Ha.... thank for your kindness. i am so suprised about it
11:13:42 PM CC: i am not being kind. im being honest. you are cute.
11:14:16 PM Taipei: When I chat with my friend near the entrance of Funky
11:14:31 PM Taipei: I saw you talk with a young guy
11:15:02 PM CC: yes. i was talking with Hippo. Leo (small) introduced him to me.
11:15:24 PM Taipei: How is him.
11:15:48 PM Taipei: I think you are interesting in him
11:15:49 PM CC: he is a nice person, too. but i didnt get attracted to him like i got attracted to you
11:16:05 PM CC: if i was interested in him i would have taken him back to the hotel
11:16:07 PM Taipei: Ha.... Maybe I talk too much
11:16:16 PM CC: hahaha. no you dont
11:16:40 PM CC: i forgot to ask. how old are you?
11:16:46 PM Taipei: 1975
11:17:05 PM CC: ok. got it.
11:17:32 PM Taipei: How old are you
11:17:44 PM CC: 1966, im 42yo
11:18:46 PM Taipei: My God!! You looks so young...
11:19:06 PM CC: wow. thanks, leo. mwah
11:19:23 PM Taipei: I never believe you are older then more then 2-3 years
11:19:41 PM CC: thanks a lot
11:20:09 PM Taipei: It is true. i am so suprised.
11:20:38 PM Taipei: I have to more respective to you in the future. 噗
11:20:53 PM CC: hahaha! hey, im not that old!thanks, really. i need to sleep now. but im glad im chatting with you, taipei. you look like a nice guy!
11:21:25 PM Taipei: Thanks a lot. I have the same feeling with you.
11:21:41 PM Taipei: Have a sweet dream. I almost need to sleep soon
11:21:44 PM CC: i hope to chat with you again... take care always
11:21:51 PM CC: have a sweet dream, too
11:22:12 PM Taipei: Bye
11:22:21 PM CC: bye

airports, airplanes

november is travel month. i didnt plan it to be this way. but i am flying in and out of manila for the whole month.

short, domestic flights i dont mind. but it still takes like a whole half-day, at least, away from your life. (the transfers, the waiting, the flight, the baggage, etc. etc.)

im taking this time to do some blog-thinking or think-blogging. sorry i havent been posting as often as i wanted.

the mabuhay lounge in the centennial is nothing to really rave about. what you really look forward to is just some measure of peace and quiet, and free snacks. they've perfected the bite-size sandwich. with all sorts of 'palaman': chicken, roast beef, pastrami, chicken inasal (!), with a thin slice of tomato. hehe. it tastes bland but looks cute and pretty.

i look around and i see quite a few whom i wouldnt suspect to be mabuhay class. (that's cc being super-bitchy) and everybody helps themselves to the snacks, coffee and sodas.

with free wifi, im easy to please. however, no one in sight is making this stay worthwhile for my need for aesthetics. gosh, nobody even within the age range i like. it's a slow sunday.

did i ever tell you about my encounter in a plane? this was years ago, on a trip to davao. it actually started at the terminal, waiting for the flight. i already saw him, eyed him as we were both at the newspaper cum magazine stand. i couldnt help but stare at the bulge of his tight jeans. he wasnt such a looker but he was... enough. we got to chat as he would casually brush his hand against that bulge, that bulge which was still growing. i was almost hyperventilating.

just my luck, we were on the same flight. but on the plane, we were seated in different rows so i could only just 'admire' at that bulge from afar. hihi.

but luck would have it that the seat beside him was vacant. and after take-off (pag di na nakasindi ang babala ng sinturon ng kaligtasan), i changed seats. more chit chat because it was still meal time.

it was during the 'we will now dim the cabin lights. those who wish to read can avail of the reading lights on the seat panel. thank you." it was groping time. good grief. that was a major boner. but we didnt really dare take it out. it was enough to just grab and squeeze the monster. we couldnt wait to get off the plane. (no way were we gonna try for the mile high club. the flight was too short. flight attendants were all over the place)

we met up in the rest room after 'deplaning and checking for items that may have been left behind in the stowage bins above you.' cubicle in that dingy terminal provided us with the venue to consummate. time-pressured (my sundo was waiting for me), he was the only one quick enough to 'release'.

then it was a hurried good-bye, handwash and pick up of baggage. no number exchanges. (di pa uso cell phone nun. hehehe)

airfare: P6,000+++
quicky with huge dong: priceless

IJ Case 6: Aniku Sauna, Taipei

Aniku Sauna supposedly just opened, a few weeks ago. My new-found taiwanese friends were raving about it. a must-see!

so i did. i had quite a hard time looking for it, though. primarily because of the little English of those who knew the place. but my instincts (my smell) led me to the place.

the walk leading up to the entrance was already impressive. concrete slabs on grass with bamboo fence and mood lights... a red paper lantern at the corner of the street tells you that you're in the right place.

you descend a staircase into a reception, manned by cute taiwanese in singlets and pekpek shorts. they hardly spoke english, though. they were on introductory promo NT$560 buy one take one! and less NT$60 if you bring your gym ID. you put your shoes in a plastic bag and put all of your stuff in a bigger bag before you even step inside.

you are led to nice steel lockers, quite well lit and very, very clean. you find your way to the jacuzzis, two of them, facing the open showers, entrances to the dry & steam saunas. there is a more secluded shower area.

from there you can go to the spacious room maze, with enough lighting to let you see the people around. and the corridors are wide. no unnecessary bumping into people going around. very well designed. you can just use any of the rooms.

the maze also leads out to other areas like a reading corner, a bigger video room and dining lounge. three internet stations and a smoking room in the area that's pretty well lit.

very clean. definitely the best that ive seen EVER. beats towel club hk. big and spacious.

i went there on a thursday night, which i deemed quite slow. there were two nice looking guys. unfortunately, both of them werent into me. sigh. one was really hot... great bod, great butt!!!! but he wasnt entertaining my glances. curiously though, he wasnt also getting any takers.

this place is a must-go if you are visiting taipei...

taipei type ko

i stayed for four days in the taiwan capital. the climate was almost identical to manila (translation: mainit rin). but it wasnt raining in the afternoons like what we have here.

it is cosmopolitan, a chinese city built/modernized by japanese during their occupation (at least according to my sources). they have their subways and their high-end department stores (sogo), much like hong kong. however, unlike manila, no gigantic malls.

most of the guys are quite plain looking. i didnt see stand outs walking around when i arrived. (i was expecting at least some good looking chaps in the hotel).

i didnt do my usual 'research' into the gay subculture of taipei. (i did that in all my previous trips). i didnt think id have the time. but a friend emailed a taiwanese friend about my arrival. he, david, begged off because he was supposed to be in korea.

i was pleasantly surprised to get a text message from david asking if we could meet up! so on my second night, i got my tour: taste of pink taipei!

he first took me to some cruising areas, famous a few years back with the locals. (now supplanted by internet eb's). most are the parks that remain open till the wee hours. and surprisingly, the police dont seem to mind. no arrests made. but one still had to be careful. a few straights go there to harass hapless gays. i was told of the huge football field that was one major cruising area.

then he showed me the location of the gay area in the west side. they have this redhouse square, a row of pink bars with a huge al fresco area. it's malate meets greenbelt, purely pedestrian traffic here. we had a drinks there, joined by his friends.

not a lot of taiwanese speak english. though they learn the language early in school. but the younger ones strive to learn and are eager to practice. so they welcome english-speaking foreigners (and that also earns points).

it was only in the gay area i started to see gorgeous taiwanese, some buff ones. a lot of cute F4 types. (yes, dao men su (?) is gay) and there was a growing market for bears. (great! less pressure to build those abs)

the group insisted i visit the latest bath house there. and i did. but that's a separate post.

the following night, i met up with david's friends. david couldnt make it due to pressing matters. we met at funky bar. before 11pm, the bar is karaoke. then it becomes a dance club.

more cute taiwanese (but nobody who was truly outstanding). very young crowd. the music sounded more like japanese pop-dance than canto-pop. the group introduced me to different guys. some of them quite cute. but i still went home alone.

i like taipei. the people are nicer than chinese in hong kong or beijing (methinks). they are very tolerant of the gay lifestyle. and there are many pink entertainment choices. i will be back. its just 1hr 40mins away!

p.s. did i mention that david is just so gorgeous? too bad the guy has a boyfriend of 7 years.

planning retirement... the sequel

i have to direct you to the blog of conventional wisdom on a post about the mid-life crisis. quite long but worth the read, especially for us in that age group! that includes you, mcvie! haha

im reading it and feeling im pretty normal. and that all those posts are reflections of a phase... hehe

thanks, conventional wisdom!

planning retirement

i did not conscious plan this. but with the way my life is turning out, im actually laying out my retirement. i've started the nano-enterprise. im now doing part-time teaching. hopefully, ill get positive evaluations. and i could expand my course offerings. its not that im in a hurry to retire. im really just grabbing opportunities, believing that there are no accidents in my life.

im probably giving myself a few more years in the company. then i could retire early. if the company likes me, they could still retain me as a consultant. meanwhile, i devote more time to teaching and the business. consultancy becomes another revenue stream, something that follows teaching. then i will pursue my doctorate degree...

and finally give my dad the satisfaction of a 'doctor CC' son... so far, im happy with how it's turning out...

shower experience

it's not what you think.

i am usually in auto-mode when i take a shower. especially recently. due to the workload. so i use shower time to think, sometimes outloud... as i automatically go through shampoo, soap, rinse, etc.

but this time, at the gym, i decided to just take it slow. i closed my eyes and concentrated on the sensation of taking a shower.

it felt great, just feeling the jet streams of water on my nape, my head. i like water which is just a tad hot. nothing scalding. i feel more refreshed with hot water. i love the shower at the gym. it delivers consistent water temperature, unlike at other branches. i hate water that varies from hot to cold!

i felt the drops on my face. i remember watching on tv how the drops of water create positive ions in the immediate environment. these actually lead to cleaner air and an immediate clearer feeling...

i start with shampoo on my head. i massaged the cream on my scalp, feeling slight pressure from my fingertips, feeling the shampoo foam go down. i rinsed off. then i massaged the conditioner on my scalp. i prefer separating the shampoo from the conditioner, unless i am in a hurry.

i leave the conditioner on my hair as i start soaping myself. i start with my hands, my arms, my armpits. i still have my eyes closed as i feel the lather working up. then my neck, my nape. then i soap my chest and notice the how few my chest hairs are. haha. then my back gets lathered, followed by my groin, my thighs, legs and feet.

i make sure that i scrub well, particularly my legs and my feet. I balance on one leg, leaning on the wall. i remember the glass walls of fitness first in makati. one hand on those walls was already a signal. hahaha.

i rinse off the conditioner and all the rest of soap. i make sure that water actually hits all surfaces. which is why i prefer telephone-type shower heads... those that allow you to focus the water jet on the portion that needs rinsing. i like the squeaky clean feeling.

i end with my face, with my face wash. i love the feel of water on my face, this last rinsing...

i opened my eyes and felt so refreshed. it feels good to be focused on the here and now. from time to time.

too many chefs...

im flipping through the dailies. thursday pdi lifestyle is about eating and more eating. and chefs, chefs and more chefs. this metropolis is churning out "chefs" like diplomas in recto before.

certainly, lifestyle media have driven this. it is another route to celebrity status (much like show business and sports/athletics). and the fact that a lot of them also happen to be extremely good looking did not happen by chance.

even talking to PLU acquaintances, a lot of the young ones dream of becoming chefs. and a few old ones who are rethinking their careers. eto talaga hilig ko, magluto

you may detect the negative tone. well, only as an ordinary Juan who thinks that there's just too many of them. and all of them seem to do the same things (their dishes look interchangeable. hehe)

but on the economics of it... it really should be very good for us Filipinos. there must really be a penchant for the kitchen in our collective genes (much like karaoke). and it is another 'exportable' talent. this particular 'skilled labor' category oversupply will bring down their cost. actually, this is their ticket towards enterpreneurship.

i guess in the long run, as they truly professionalize, there will be a way to really highlight the great ones from the good. and those would be the one that would really deserve 'celebrity status'.

waking up

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hi. salamat at nakarating ka. akala ko di na tayo magkakaroon ng chance mag-coffee man lang.

kumusta naman ang trabaho? dami rin load no? at least, patapos na ang sem. puro grades na lang.

thanks for the party ha! ang bait bait ng friends at staff mo. mahal ka talaga nila. siyempre, nahiya lang ako nung games pero game pa rin naman.

ok ba yung sukat ng shirt and shorts? sana. bagay sa iyo yun. pinili ko talaga.

i really wanted to say some things kaya ininvite kita ngayon. siguro naman, di ka na magugulat sa mga sasabihin ko. di ko naman talaga itinago ang mga nararamdaman ko.

alam mo, i never realized that a person like you actual exists. seriously. walang bola. you are such an amazing person. i call you the perfect person. sorry if i embarrass you. i just had to say it.

pero di lang naman yun ang gusto kong sabihin. i want to be honest in telling you that i'm in love with you. i want to tell you to your face, no matter how weird or funny. mahal kita. ang sarap ng pakiramdam na mailabas ko na finally.

before you reply... not that im expecting a response... i want you to know that i am very much aware of your circumstances. that you are in a loving relationship of 19 years. and i value that, too.

napag-isip-isip rin ako na. you are too good for me. di kasi ako mabait na tao. alam mo naman ang naging history, especially with my latest ex. i cheated on him. although my ideal is still to be faithful and monogamous, i didn't do it then. and frankly, i am a player. i am also enjoying the casual sex. wow. nahihiya akong aminin lahat eto sa iyo.

but the point really is, i could not deserve you. at least not now. too many warts and pimples. i am really not such a nice, beautiful person. and you deserve only the nicest person. and maybe that's who your lover is.

so im saying i love you and goodbye. hahaha. parang kanta. pero totoo. huwag ka ng mangamba na guguluhin ko ang buhay niyo. di ko rin kasi kayang maging 'friends' talaga with you. di rin naman ako totally mawawala. we still have our common friends, and the parties that hopefully, ill still be invited to.

ang ititigil ko eh yung mga hello text. i am drawing the line. kung business, business lang. pangako ko sa iyo.

meanwhile, i will work at being better person. to finally start integrating my selves. i want to be able to eventually say that i really do deserve a good, nice, beautiful person because i have tried my darndest best to be good and nice, and integrated. uumpisahan ko na.

at kung sakaling magkakaroon tayo ng pagkakataon sa future, ill be very happy. di ko sasabihing maghihintay ako. basta sana kung malaya ka, sana pagtagpuin tayo ng tadhana. at mangyayari na maipapadama ko sa iyo ang pagmamahal ko.

sorry for the drama. i just want to be able to cut clean.

salamat for the opportunity na makilala kita. wala kang katulad. pero masaya pa rin akong may tao palang tulad mo.

sige, go na tayo.

let it be

its been a month and i am still reaching for the unreachable... star.

and dreaming the impossible dream of him and me becoming one.

after the first week of almost no messages, i get a behind-the-scenes view from his friends. he likes me a lot. they were shocked at the way he was talking to me that night. the way he was so comfortable. the way he flirted. they never saw him like that before. because he is truly an introvert. he shuns the limelight. he rarely opens up to people though he is genuinely nice, polite and reserved. a true gentleman.

but not on the night we met. they couldnt believe how we were having a great time together, and how fast we became 'touchy'. maybe it was the wine. but they told me it was me.

and they reprimanded him dearly for it. although they (the friends) were actually setting us up, they never thought we would click instantly. and their guilt overtook them. and remorsefully, they told him to proceed with caution. because he is still in a relationship. because i just came from a disastrous one. because i would just be the loser.

that was why he stopped the texts.

but soon thereafter, i bonded closely with his friends. and although they kept on saying that they were not out to destroy their relationship, they kept on building me up with him, and him with me. and they started to plan (connive) on how we would get together again, despite the prison warden's tight guarding.

i joined their group for dinner last sunday, advance celebration of his birthday. i was seated farthest away from him. and i finally met his lover. his nice but... nice lover. one of his friends whisper: di sila bagay no? hahaha

but i maintained my distance. and i watched him, admired him from afar. and i saw how much his lover adored him. and how they were actually sweet to each other. i felt the knives piercing my heart.

and today, i finally got to spend some time with him, without his lover. in his office as we celebrated his birthday. again, another successful connivance of his friends, ang mga konsintidor. though they would deny this to high heavens.

and he seemed so happy to see me there. and i gamely joined in the fun. and we would talk casually.

i couldnt look at him straight. i melt. and i seem to feel him that way, too. we were both suppressing the urge to be sweet. knowing how inappropriate it would be. and the moments were awkward in a sweet, romantic way. *sigh*

i dont know where this would lead. but im proceeding with care. im just expressing how i feel towards him. he confided to his friends how confusing it was for him, too. how much he likes me. how much he knows he'll just hurt me. and all he could say was "let it be"

and so it will be as it should be... and it dont know what it will be. and how i will be...

and speaking of drop-dead gorgeous

i met somebody who is actually drop-dead gorgeous. he's a commercial model but i guess he's past his prime. artistahin talaga. makes me wonder why he didnt become one. hearing him talk... well, he's not albert einstein. but so are a lot of artistas. but he actually doesnt mind the dumb blonde routine. we were with his boss-friend who actually kids around with him that way.

beautiful face, nothing to criticize. flawless. of course he knows it. of course people were all looking at him like "artista ba yun?" keeps his body trim but not buff.

my cavities ache looking at him. and my mind started to wander. ligiwan ko kaya eto. this is literally a 'trophy boyfriend'. people would probably find ways of stabbing me. or worse, they'll be putting a price tag on his head. or wonder what he saw in me. hahaha

thought balloon burst. better off just admiring the guy. hehe

good morning

no sex for more than a week now. totally.

cuba left last thursday for abroad. it will be short vacation, mainly to look for job opps.

im missing the guy, the kid. physically, he's not drop-dead gorgeous, but i find him very appealing. i like the college-kid lisp. and the drawl. for somebody so young, the guy's been around - 7 lovers in total. admittedly, he started quite young. so there is a sense of 'nagsawa na ako' which actually feels real.

he's so malambing. very, very physical, in private. he's like a bear cub. and i have to say that sex is wow. and he's somebody i could sleep with. (i noticed recently that i've been quite picky about those i could literally sleep with. ive gotten used to sleeping alone that im now quite sensitive to sleeping habits that bother mine. one grinds his teeth. another grabs the blanket. another takes up too much space. arrgh)

well, he'll be back in two weeks. that would make me a monk by end-Oct.

Surviving My First Class

Whew! I survived my first teaching class. I handled this class of MBA students well. I have to admit I was terrified. I felt I needed to prepare so well but because of my numerous activities, I couldn't spend enough time reviewing the concepts and the cases. And the fact that these are MBA students made my anxiety worse. they could be very, very inquisitive and argumentative.

I thank the Lord that I have a good nice class of twenty two students, all graduating. They were not as combative as I expected. And i suddenly felt so relaxed and so calm as I started my class. All the fears just disappeared as i deftly handled the class. They seemed to be enjoying the class and learning. Nobody noticed that we went 15 minutes overtime. Hahaha.

It helps that there was some eye candy. one was really cute. not too active during class participation but when he spoke, he spoke with sense.

It's just the first two of twenty sessions with them. I know I'm going to have fun with this class.

humbling

I just realized I am not attractive and that I dont speak as well as I thought. Hahaha. I was reviewing my interview in a cable TV program. I wasnt able to catch it when it aired. but I got a copy.

I was squirming as I watched myself. di pala talaga ako gwapo. ang mukha ko may mga contortions pag ako'y nagsasalita. nakakatawang tignan. Ang mga facial expressions ko ay may pagka-OA.

Maski yung pagsasalita ko, di rin pala maganda. I had plenty of 'ahh' and 'mmm' in between my sentences... or even within!

Reality check! Hahaha. It was a humbling experience!

*sigh*

'been feeling romantic lately. suddenly the bug bites me and im enjoying the kilig songs. even during busy moments, i'd suddenly de-focus and just smile. and his face i see, his smile. and i just feel warm and fuzzy.

i could have loved you
i know that
i could have been dedicating that karaoke song
to you, angelic you

i could have been having wonderful chats
with you, sweet you
on a park bench, on a sandy shore
in a crowded diner, in a secluded cottage

i could have talked about my dreams
to you, lovely you
i felt you would have wanted to listen
to me, miserable me
my proudest moments, and my shame
my silliness and my faith

i could be sharing my glory
with you, giving the trophy, the medal
to you
I could be the one basking in your sunshine, too
a loud, tearful and noisy ovation for your awards
your recognition
sharing in the beauty
of you, humble you

i could have
but i won't

because someone else does all of that
and more
for you, perfect you

PLU n H4H

im toasted like a roti bun (sweet inside!). not entirely a welcome change. 1) when people are commenting that im getting fairer (w/o glutathione, puhleese) 2) when i forgot my sunblock hence my arms look like i have those whole arm bands worn by tricycle drivers.

saturday we were at habitat for humanity site. we were going to build houses for the have-less.

it was an eye-opener for me, for fitness first-pumped me. no workout there could have prepared me for this!

we had to be there by 8am. a lady engineer oriented us on SAFETY (all caps supplied). and that meant wearing the hard hat at all times and gloves while working at the construction site. and we were shocked to realize that we were going to start from zero. we all had that notion that we were going to do the painting stuff. no way. we were going to (1) mix cement, gravel, water (2) pour them into the foundation (3) move the pre-made cement bricks closer to the house area, which they call 'hauling'. so we are talking about a site that has totally no shade. and the sun was so kind to be up the entire time. of all the cloudy and rainy days during the week, saturday had to be the sunniest of all days.

as haulers, we quickly became worker ants, forming a line from brick 'quarry' to the 'house site', a good 20 meters away. 15lb bricks went down the line. i assembled them into neat blocks. all in the blistering heat of the sun. after 20 minutes of that, i was already sweating like a pig. it was not easy. and it seemed endless. suddenly the time seemed AGONIZING slow.

we welcomed the morning 10am break! complaints were flying all over. what on earth was i thinking? and it aint over yet. after 15 minutes, it was back to work.

we then shifted and tried the cement mixing and pouring. no machines here. just us mixing the gravel, sand and cement with water using those heavy shovels. then we needed to pour them into pails, which were carried down to the foundation area and poured. this was definitely the hardest. my poor heart was pounding. it was so hard to mix and pour into buckets. i really had to stop from time to time. just too tiring.

1130 am break. THANK GOD. no amount of fitness first workout prepared me for this. lunch served. rest again. 115pm, back to work. more brick hauling this time. under the afternoon sun. HAAAAAY.

and then God smiled at me. well specifically one volunteer. a cute, bedimpled young guy with his companions arrived to help. actually earlier. but i was just too busy to notice him and the rest. and when God smiles he also makes a joke. They turn out to be seminarians. and this is their main advocacy. and as they chatted with me and found out i was ah single, dimples began to invite me to become one of them... something in his smile made me smell something else. but i wasnt about to steal God's property. so i let them be.

my colleagues couldnt be convinced to finish the work till 430pm. we had to stop during the 3pm break. And we left, not without handing dimples my card... 'in case he needs our services...' i was pooped.

building those houses aint no joke. now i know what hard labor means. i was literally baked in the sun and working my butt off. i have found new respect for laborers (for what used to be just lust. hehe)

im wondering how it would be if we were one big group of PLU's helping out? would probably be a riot, dont you think? a riot that serves a higher purpose!