rekindling love

i used to be crazy about piano music the way some people are crazy about beyonce, mariah, etc. solo, original piano music used to be scarce in our part of the world. it would be lumped together under 'new age' or 'world music' or even 'jazz'. id make it a point to regularly check for albums of david lanz, jim chappell, suzanne cianni, danny wright, christopher peacock, kevin kern, among others, which were few and far between.

and when i go abroad, id get delirious with the titles available there and just hoard the cd's. after amassing quite a collection, the interest has quieted down. my itunes contains a playlist of the best, and this is the one i've been listening to.

just the other day, i decided to listen again to piano music, the entire genre and not just my playlist. on shuffle mode in the car, i rekindled this love for it. it helped me get through the problems i've been encountering lately, the stresses that have been wearing me down.

yesterday, i met piano player. and he introduced me to the music of a new piano artist by playing it for me over the phone. i was enthralled.

and today, jim chappell sent me a message and another free download of his latest song. confluence of events when i needed them most.

im watching me experiencing this serene joy again of piano music.

awareness

im trying to catch myself in emotion. part of the exercise of the book 'awareness' is to be aware of your self. instead of identifying with each and every feeling, objectify and observe the self as it feels.

it's cool watching me go through varied emotions, a lot of it arising from people, my reactions to them.

i felt the depression and anxiety arising from burdens related to my big personal projects. when i hear bad news, my spirit sinks to lows. i keep silent, preferring this to blowing my top. i let the depression run its course. i look at myself suddenly quiet, tense. i try to understand where it comes from. i realize i harbor resentments towards a family member. i felt abandoned midstream, left with the ball and no one to pass it to.

then the mood changes. as i face clients and guests, i put on a happy face. that external 'face' starts to influence my own state of mind. and i start to lighten up. and i realize that being with clients is not such a chore. i enjoy being with them.

i am in malate. i feel happy chatting away with my friends. then i start to get bored. my eyes wander and focus on this cute young'un across, with his big barkada. we steal glances. i start to feel this thrill, this lust as i look forward to meeting him and having sex with him.

but that doesnt happen. we go home ahead of them. and feelings start to go south with frustration. my libido remains unreleased.

emotions ebb and flow. its sad to realize how so much of what i feel comes from other people. i must be like this puppet. they push me one way, i react and feel this way. The push another button, i feel differently.

the book asks the question, what value is there in a life where all i feel is beyond my control and in other people's hands?

a different christmas

in many many ways. the feeling is strange. the day started baaad. problems. problems. problems. it's ending on a good note. nothing ecstatically gleeful. the depressed mode has passed on its own. didnt have to get rid of it. now just alone in the condo. im left here at peace with myself. remembering the peace He gives.

a peaceful christmas to you, dear raiders... =)

desperately looking for one more follower

i told myself i was going to include the list of those who follow this blog when i hit 100. that was last march when i had like 20+. i lowered the bar to 75. then down to 50. i was getting very realistic.

after months, im now down to the last follower, to one more person i will hug personally. LOL. so im announcing the availability of this last slut. oops. slot. up for grabs.

and if it takes me another six months to look for one, ill slash my wrist. JOKE.

sales cycle blues

as the year closes, sales people (working for business which follow calendar, not fiscal year) are in the final stretch to hit targets. hitting annual targets assures windfall bonuses/incentives. as most companies shift more of compensation money from fixed compensation (monthly salaries) to variable compensation (performance-based), you can imagine how critical the final days are.

and this goes all the way up to the c.e.o.

so here i am, busy computing for deficits, looking for incremental revenues to make sure the targets are met. it is very stressful. it's like waiting for election results. there are a lot of wheeling and dealing. all happening even as everybody else (not in sales or marketing) are already enjoying the holidays (and the traffic and the crowds).

yet, it brings out the best in people who are cut out for the job. you see sales people going all out, squeezing every drop from each account. one needs to be creative, analytical, quick on his feet. last-minute decisions cost millions of pesos, literally.

it is not for the faint-hearted. the rewards, however, are immense, both financially and psychologically.

cc dares and bares

cc is experimental and bold. change in profile pic. hehehe. but that bod is cc a few months back. december bingeing has the bod bulging in the wrong places. just so i will not be guilty of false advertising claims. LOL.

so why is cc darin' and barin'? WALA LANG. walang magawa kung di paglaruan ang profile settings online.

cc in bed

i joined enigma and his friends for d&d (drink&dance) in bed malate. i came from a party and semi-loaded with absolut the vodka, not the mineral water. super-crowded, wanted to meet up with mcvie but couldnt find him. i stayed with enigma in one corner of the bar most of the night.

i didnt enjoy as much. im just starting to be aware that bed is not the place i want it to be. (1) i want to dance. and dance with wild abandon. (2) i like pop music, as baduy as that may sound. but those are the songs i want to dance to. bed is none of that. i can't dance because it gets too crowded. or if it's not, i can't dance because it's embarrassing to be one of the few dancing. they don't play as much pop as i'd like them to. i can only keep dancing to beats and synths for so long. then i get bored and tired.

the cuties. well they are still there. and they are all still on 'project' (accent on 2nd syllable)-mode. and even if they are enough incentive to stay there, i dont have the energy to carry on the flirting game anymore. effort masyado.

i enjoyed being with enigma. he is still the same sweet guy, twice the size, though. hehehe. gave me his xmas gift. awwww. hugged him tight. there remains this undercurrent of affection between us. (or is it just my imagination?) i invited him to sleep over. he politely declined, saying he brought his own car.

and even as i try to re-ignite some flame somewhere, i hesitate because he IS leaving for the u.s. soon. so that undercurrent will remain little eddies that play in the sea of cc's heart.

cc and ballroom dancing

part of the job description is to be the highest paid gro of the company. lol. i dont mind entertaining top clients. a part of me is actually still in awe that some of them consider me a personal friend. i treasure these friendships. i am careful not to abuse them. on occasion, i go out with them, usually to lunch or dinner.

but with some of them, it's bonding during ballroom dancing. so cc put on his dancing shoes and ready smile a few nights ago.

i dont really dance as much. i started some dance lessons for the managers previously but i wasnt able to sustain it. schedule problems. well, there's always the d.i. of course, i had to be with the female kind. and she was leading me quite well. dancing is quite a workout, especially for my calves! but there really is joy to be found in moving in graceful harmony.

on another note, there are still those male d.i.'s. some of them as fishy-smelling as divisoria wet market. some of them are very attractive, like the d.i. one of the ladies brought. good dancing is really entertaining to watch, too. i am particularly entertained by handsome dancers who are able to balance grace and masculinity, a fine line indeed.

balloon thought. id like to hire a d.i. to teach me. can't i hire a male d.i. who will be play the lady part as he teaches me? hmmm

faculty goes whacky

last night, i was in u.p. dililman theater to witness an annual event. no its not the streaking. neither is it the lantern parade. i think they call it faculty follies. faculty and staff of participating colleges/institutes present production numbers, entertaining students and colleagues alike for about 2 1/2 hours.

career etoh. it is a major production, not just some backyard christmas party dance number. the theme, costumes, music editing, rehearsals, im starting to wonder if they still have classes in u.p. during december! even the stage, lighting was very well executed.

the emcee, a phd full-time prof, was totally in control. you wouldnt have imagined his credentials with the way he hosted. he seemed straight out of the library, klownz, punchline. superb!

the audience was, expectedly, roaring with laughter as they watched their teachers and mentors totally lose it!

the young faculty i couldnt distinguish from students anymore! napakabata talaga nila. and they were totally into what they were doing. hamming it up, cross-dressing even. being sexy and whacky. que ver ang respeto after!

which brings me to a point - does one actually lose respect from students, or even officemates, if one willingly goes all out to entertain? my opinion. in this day and age, doing such presentations actually earns one more respect and admiration from students and colleagues. they respect work-life balance. they look up to people who are not afraid to be human. they admire people who can lead and manage in all seriousness, yet be able to let their hair down every so often.

i salute these men and women. it still takes a lot of courage to actually do this. but the satisfaction, the gratification of seeing your students, constituents totally absorbed and entertained is incomparable!

Mr Ripley = Mr Someone

he also admitted that he was the one who sent me the postcard and the gift.

Mr Ripley Revealed

i wasnt planning to go online last night. I wanted to sleep early. But I had to check some emails. And i just had to peep in YM. And I just happen to see a friend. And we had to chat. And that chat lasted for more than an hour. And since I was visible to all in YM, someone just happened to be online, too. And wanted to say hi.

he is another FB acquaintance. round the same time i met mr ripley. we chatted over fb once or twice. he got my number, never texted. then, as the story goes, i became 'involved' with mr ripley.

ill refer to him as mr personality or mp. mp is supposedly ripley's ex-date. and ripley spoke highly of him.

in the course of the ripley affair, i remembered not seeing mp in my list of fb friends anymore. though he requested an add over at friendster.

when the ripley affair blew over, i sent a message to mp over a friendster, hoping to talk to him to shed light on ripley, aware that they used to 'date'. but he never responded.

mp suddenly came back to my fb life, requesting for an add, saying that i must have deleted him. still wanting to know about ripley, i quickly added him up. viewing his new fb profile, i was shocked to see some details about ripley appear in there! things like that high school he came from, that he was in new york, and some other stuff that i closely associated with ripley. could mp be mr ripley?

he started texting me. and in my curiosity, i engaged. and when he requested for coffee meet-up, i agreed.

i met him for the first time in gbelt. and i was careful about opening the ripley topic. and even before we got to that, what we were talking about was almost exactly what i was discussing with ripley. finally, i opened up the topic, and told him about ripley. he confirmed knowledge of ripley. and supposedly fell into the same trap that i was in. according to him, ripley just disappear from his life. and from the way he talked, he told me that ripley ripped his identity elements and 'stole his personality'.

i showed him then that i accepted his story without question. and we parted as friends. that night, i sent my sister his picture to confirm if this was the guy she met at ripley's house in new york. the guy who introduced himself as ripley's cousin. my sister confirmed. and that finally convinced me that mr ripley = mr personality.

i didnt want to confront mp anymore. i just decided to avoid him, not reply to his texts. i remained cordial, though, not wanting to antagonize him, not knowing what he is capable of.

last night, mp chatted with me after i was finished chatting with my friend. i seized the opportunity to finally confront him. and thank heavens, he finally admitted.

he had this crush on me upon adding me on fb. he instinctively knew i wouldnt give him the time of day so he posed as mr ripley, getting the pics of his unsuspecting friend in new york. he carried on the charade because he was too afraid of how id react. he was in too deep in the lie of a life he created. and he was into me too much, too.

getting in touch with me as himself, mr personality, was his way of slowly trying to reveal himself. though he still struggled with when and how. and he was also mr someone, who sent me the postcard and the christmas gift yesterday. he apologized profusely and regretted what he had done.

i wasnt angry at him. i was glad that this event finally had closure, real closure. i told him that. i told him though that there could be no friendship at all, for there is no more basis for trust. i was also relieved that he wasnt some business foe, or some bitter ex who could have some really sinister plans for me. he was just an infatuated guy who didnt believe in himself.

epilogue

i went through a phase in my life of severe insecurity over how i looked. i was hungry for affirmation in the physical department. so i labored, worked out, tried to improve myself. i could understand where he was coming from. but i chose another path, to make myself be liked, be admired, be attractive.

i can still feel pangs of insecurity. i can still be painfully aware of the limitations of my 'looks'. and even as this ripley story is a lesson of how desperately lonely i could get, it is also an affirmation, convoluted as it may seem. but that affirmation has some severe consequences. consequences i thought were reserved for models and stars.

be careful what you wish for.

he has it all

last saturday night, i attended a dinner party hosted by a plu couple. a new couple. one of them happens to be a good friend of mine, legal eagle.

it was a wow dinner. arranged by the pool side. buffet menu catered exclusively for a group of about 25 friends. this is one of the luxurious condominium enclaves in makati. and as we were having dinner, there was an acoustic guitar music playing live in the background.

i can finally say legal eagle is one plu who has got it all. his legal practice is thriving. he himself comes from a well to do family down south. and now, he is very much in love with a gorgeous banker, who comes from a rich political family. smart, witty, well-bred, hung like a horse, muscular.

im green with envy. and happy for my friend. it's a charmed life.

a gift from mr someone

a gift arrived by mail today. a pleasant surprise. i love surprises. but more surprisingly, it came from someone, mr someone

dearest cc,

im sure you have already received the postcard i sent you... well, here's another present for you. i hope you'll like it and of course, it fits you.

just a simple token that you are always remembered.

stay safe always.

merry christmas!

from mr someone

i opened the gift and found this nice striped shirt.

im flabbergasted, and a bit unnerved. first it was a postcard. now, a gift. all by mail. effort eto.

i have my suspicions who mr someone is. i dont know how to confirm. im touched by all this. but i wish he'd be more direct. nevertheless, it is a lovely gesture.

thank you, mr someone.

user friendly

im flattered at some of the positive comments on the grand eb post. it made me feel like i am a person interesting enough for people to read, to get to know.

ive been trying to be more 'aware', in the tony de mello sense of the word. i try to be aware of my 'self' in the third person pov, particularly when i am feeling strong emotions, anger, irritation, lust...

moony dropped by the condo. it was nice seeing him. he looked awfully cute. and i felt this surge of desire again. he was trying to keep some distance, trying to keep it friendly. i watched myself play up to his continuing attraction for me. i asked for a brief massage for my aching body. he was kind enough to indulge me. i wanted something more. and i got it. he stopped resisting.

i visited carlito. he is this sexy former therapist, who has moved his way up the ladder of the spa he works at. he doesnt do massage anymore. but he didnt refuse when i asked for him at the counter. i knew he still had a soft spot for me.

he was playing it cool and professional. but he turned me on. i kissed him as we finished my body scrub. he gave in. and we had it wild and wet right there. massage service cancelled in favor of closer body contact.

that is how selfish i am, i could be. i played up to their attraction to get my release. at first i felt this power over them. that in itself was already an aphrodisiac. then i watched this emotion turn to guilt and disgust. nothing admirable in me at all.

ang galing ng bading

talentado talaga ang mga bading. imagine mo, isang dosenang mala-beyonce ang nagsasayaw! gow na gow!

bui: grand eb of cc blog readers??!!

im suddenly imagining this eb of cc blog readers. first, it won't be many. the count of registered followers dont even make half of a hundred, so that should be manageable. and besides, there will probably be an attendance rate of 30% so im really talking about something intimate here.

id love to actually meet you, to personally thank you for giving time and effort to actually read this blog of mine. id probably even hug you!

the cocktails and pica-pica will be overflowing. dance music in the background. id be hopping from one table to the next, making sure you are all comfortable.

all this time, id be wearing a mask, still desperately trying to conceal my identity. harang ba?

if you met me face to face, is there something you would ask me or tell me? what would it be?

just finished rounds of beer with the help at the roof deck. i found it apt to 'inaugurate' the deck with some of the people who have helped me.

a blessed feeling

i've always wanted to have a balcony or patio or terrace. i've always wanted to walk out to some outdoor area with plants and open space.

i like panoramic views. i could just stare at such scenes for hours.

i finally have one, one i could call my own. my new house includes a roof deck, accessible from the attic. even from the drawing stage, i was already so excited. i could already picture in my mind how it was going to turn out.

and as the house was being built, i was growing impatiently to see how that roof deck will come out. when there was finally access to the deck, in all its rawness, i had to get to it. despite the rickety steps, the dusty uneven cement floor, despite the absence of railings, i was able to reach it. and despite the not-so-nice view of rusty roofs in suburban manila, i was in heaven. it was my piece of sky, as lola barbra sings so well.

now it's almost done, just some lighting fixtures waiting to be installed. the grillwork for railings is waiting for potted plants. the tiled deck is ready for night caps and even parties.

i feel so blessed just staying there, taking in the cool december breeze. i feel such peace and serenity, looking at the lights of ortigas in one area, and makati in the other.

i wish i could share that deck with you, blogreaders...

manila uli

glad to be back. i was getting a bit homesick there. and that was just six days out. i initially didnt want to go anymore. i have yet to fully enjoy my new office. im still building the new house. it was a heavy heart that left dec 1.

but a happy heart returned. im really glad i did make it. renewed bond with a friend/supplier there. i met him five years ago during my trip there. he was a stand out during the convention because he was really good looking, dapper and stylish, though quite vertically challenged. but he really had this gorgeous face, great smile. and we instantly hit it off. back then, he was the only one who bothered to show me the sights of mumbai. he eventually became a supplier and friend. because of our friendship, he has been to manila many times and has established business relationships here.

my initial attraction to him has waned greatly. though i catch myself looking at him and thinking to myself how handsome this guy really is. and how hopelessly straight. and how i remain in my li'l closet with him around. i dont know if he is slowly getting the hint about my plu nature. he still insists on us meeting girls (despite his marital status).

on our last day, he told us we were going to the beach area where there are factories to visit. he was going to bring his cousin. and cousin turned out to be H-O-T. he was buffed and oozing with sex appeal, dressed in straight jeans with a long-sleeve shirt tucked in to show off a great set of buns. my attraction quickly shifted to cousin. he even showed me pics of his well developed musculature (as he was admiring mine -choz). i had to be conscious of my actions around him. careful that the drool won't be noticed. meeting cousin became a high of that trip.

but this was a business trip. and productive it was. we managed to quickly build a network among the suppliers, all of whom were eager to show us the superior quality of their products, refuting that old notion of cheap, poor quality indian products. i hope that as we start our negotiations, we will be able to reach that compromise point. this is critical for the attainment of our strategic objectives.

needless to say. i will be going back to bombay. :)

mumbai's industrial estates

the term conjures sprawling grounds with newly-built factories and warehouses, major enterprises needing huge capital investments. the one i visited was so far from that image. it was in a 5-storey building, surrounded by dusty, dirty shanties. inside were corridors that had condinium type units that house small and medium enterprises. one door opened to a four-color printing machine. another to rows of sewing machines. another to a confectionary packaging equipment. at first i was appalled at the squalid. walls were 'spit-painted'. then i realized that these estates housed the businesses that are driving the indian economy. even as the country had its billion dollar conglomerates, it fuels the machines of these SME's. unlike the philippine economy driven by the services sector, india is both manufacturing and services-based. that estate provides less capital-intensive real estate ideal for start-up mfg-based firms. amazing.

almost sex: bombay version

writing this makes me feel a tad foolish. i've just blogged about not possibly encountering any hindu plu. then i work out at the posh health club. and as i walk out towards the lobby, still in my tank top and shorts, i encounter this cute, young employee, who had a ready smile, eager to open the glass doors for me.

what a cute smile. i walk out and glance back. did i just see him glance back, too??? so i stopped and slowed my steps. i look at him and see him glance back again, even as he moves away.

the unmistakeable look of sex. i slowly make a u-turn and follow him. he waits for me behind a pillar.

how are you, sir.
im good. thanks.
are you looking for the lift lobby?
ah yes... (tentative answer)
it's on the other side, sir.
ok. thanks. (embarrassed)
what's your room number?
its ****. (flushed at the openness)
ill go up there later.
aah. im sharing the room.
ok. go up the executive lounge and look for me.
i dont think i have access there.
go through the back entrance, the service entrance. if someone asks, just tell them you are lost.
see you. (he walks away. blows me a kiss. and disappears)

decision. decision. i can't risk looking really stupid 'getting lost' in the executive lounge. i'm so tempted. but i give it up. too much risk involved.

so i take it back. yeah, sa bawat gubat ay may ahas. :-)

back in bombay

it has been five years since my last trip here. the international airport has been renovated since. what used to be worse than the NAIA is now better. immigration, baggage handling has improved. notably, the smell in the air seemed better.

i got off to a good start. i met for the first time an fb friend in NAIA since he happens to work there. we've transitioned from fb chats to txt messages. and with this trip, it would be the perfect time to meet him. he looked a lot better in person, taller. and he was able to let me check-in without the queueing... straight to the business class counter! and pretty much, he stayed with me till boarding time.

so despite that horrible experience with posers a few months back, fb has found some redeeming value in my NAIA friend!

i'm re-reading this book on the plane, awareness by anthony de mello. this priest of indian descent has written very thought-provoking books mashing up catholicism, hindu mysticism, philosophy and psychology. the more famous books are actually all parables, short stories that need to be pondered.

this book im reading, awareness, is actually like a transcript of a retreat he gives on awareness and waking up. it was written, nay transcribed and edited by his colleague since he passed away 1987. very challenging viewpoints that reminded me of my beloved fabcasters. yes, he challenges ideas with the same bluntness (and care) of gibbs, mcvie, mgg, tony and aj. i cant even begin to understand the concepts.

if you're into that, pick up the book.

back to bombay... this is purely a business trip. i was trying to google some pink pleasures here but i stopped after reading that 'homosexual intercourse' remains illegal in most parts of the country! yikes.

ive met a lot of indians, south asians before. and i couldnt remember meeting anybody gay (as picked up by my gaydar). i guess it is because of their very sharp facial features (deep-set eyes, angular jaw, high-bridged noses) that make them look so ... male. the only gay indians i've seen are in the movies. so this trip will remain purely business.

vacation complication

just got back from a trip. it was a barkada thing. the barkada i met through ex-partner. booked way in advance, we got a pretty good deal at the resort, nestled atop a cliff, with a picturesque view of the sea.

it was my first time to join this barkada for a long vacation. it was also my first time to be on a vacation with ex-partner and his current.

i had mixed feelings. i thought he would decide not to join anymore since he saw on the yahoogroup that i was joining. but he did, and he signed up his partner, too. his current happens to be the guy we fought about when we finally broke up. yes, they are still together.

ex and i, we still don't talk. he still refuses to talk to me. and i have not made any attempt to talk to him either. hence, i didnt know whether i should push through with this trip or not. well i felt that i should. i should because it is a common barkada. they want me to come with them.

it ended up to be a good vacation. we avoided each other. but i managed to talk and be nice to his current partner. contrary to what others were saying, i really dont hate the guy. i dont blame him for what happened to us. i just feel uncomfortable with ex. he's the one who refuses to talk to me.

i had tons of fun bonding with the rest. but it still wasnt a GREAT vacation. i still felt uncomfortable not talking to someone, avoiding someone when we are all traveling as one big group. our friends didnt make a big deal of the situation. there was no teasing. but all in all, i would have enjoyed more if i was at peace with everybody in the trip.

and as much as i tried to ignore him, ignore them, i find myself hearing his comments and his discourses. and i would be reacting to these inside my head. usually a snide remark.

i wish we didnt have to be so antagonistic towards one another. i just couldnt bring myself to try to mend the fence because of the high probability of being rebuffed. my ego just can't take that.

so despite that nice vacation, i am left wanting. it could have been more relaxing if there was peace and harmony.

thoughtful someone

i received this post card of manila bay (yes, a post card) yesterday. it read

hello cc. i just want you to know that somewhere someone always remember you (sic). stay safe all the time and god bless. from: someone :)

it was sent from the post office in paranaque. i couldnt help but smile at the sweetness, at the thoughtfulness of this 'someone'. i have no idea who this person is... but he/she made my day...

kakaibang crush ni cc

crush ko siya. di naman sa unang pagkakita. nakakatrabaho ko siya. supplier ng opisina, isang ahente. madalas kaming magkita dahil nagprisinta siya ng mga produkto para sa amin. nung umpisa, may pagka-antipatika pa nga ang dating niya sa akin. tisay na tisay kasi. pero sa katagalan, natutuwa ako pagmagkikita kami. inaabangan ko ang mga sandaling iyon. sa totoo lang, kagandahan naman talaga siya. ang lahat ay napapalingon at muling napapalingon.

ang aming pakikipagsalamuha dati ay strictly professional lang. walang personalan. pero nung isang gabi, nagkaroon ako ng pagkakataong makipagkwentuhan sa kanya, dahil may isang pagdiriwang sa opisina. imbitado ang mga supplier. duon ko pa lang siya nakausap ng may pagka-personal. ang pamilya niya... ang naging kurso niya, atbp.

inaamin kong kinilig ako habang kausap ko siya. nakakapanibago ang pakiramdam. ngunit takot pa rin akong magpahiwatig ng maski anong damdamin. kliyente pa rin niya ako. boss pa naman ako sa kumpanya. at siya'y batang-bata pa.

madalang lang ako makaramdam ng ganito. bilang na bilang ang mga naging crush kong babae. ang paghanga ko sa kanya ay di lamang dahil gusto ko siyang ayusan at bihisan. sumagi na rin sa isip ko na siguro, ang sarap na madampian ng labi ko ang kanyang mapulang labi. at haplusin ang kanyang mala-kremang kutis.

kakaiba nga eto. at alam kong di rin tatagal. at kahit tunay man ang aking paggiliw, di ko rin maaaring ipahiwatig. napakaraming balakid, unang-una na rin diyan ang aking pagiging plu.

yun lang.

the Talented Mr Ripley III (The Final Ripping)

and with this the telenovela ends...

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Music credits:"Crazy In Love" by Beyonce"Why" by Annie Lennox"Promises, Promises" by Naked Eyes"Weekend In New England" by Barry Manilow "Get Lost" by Patrick Wolf

my mortality

everybody seems to be talking about the end of the world according to the mayan calendar. havent seen the movie myself. even the priest was using it as a jump off point for his sermon. as expected, it was on preparedness. pretty much like disaster preparedness. ondoy. peping. zeitgeist?

made me think of my own mortality. i am closer to it compared to a lot of young readers out there. preparedness. is there such a thing?

a lot of people will find this topic morbid. or tempting fate. its just another topic for rumination for me.

im thinking im actually ready to go now. anytime. ive run a good race, so to speak. i look at my parents, the smile, the gratitude for the new house i've helped build for them. the renewal of their marriage vows after 50 years and the celebration of that. my siblings all with families, all settled in varying degrees abroad.

i look at my colleagues at the office. i also see their elation over the swanky new office. their pride over how the company has grown to where it is right now. how much more prosperous they have become, their families with them.

i see the friendships built with vendors, clients, customers. real sincere friendships. friendships that have supported the company through all the years.

there are also the people under my direct employ. ive done my part in taking care of them, making sure that i share with them the fruits of our collective labor.

these become thoughts of gratitude, of fulfillment, of peace.

i look at the glass that is my life. it's almost full. well, maybe just a bit more fixing to make sure they will be taken cared of. and they will all know that i love them dearly.

yeah, i can go now. if He wants me to.

changes in my life

im about to break into song. almost. going through major changes now, though largely in environment.

i have a new office after 9 years. we have a new address, a good upscale address. im very pleased. ive always wanted to have an office in this development. from a few years back. i already saw the potential. and i daydreamed about it.

the interiors are just awesome. understated. functional. it captured how i envisioned it to be, communicating corporate values we have built over the years.

outside, trees amid low rise buildings, sprawling across maintained lawns with water features around. serene. academic. inspiring.

colleagues are also ecstatic. im very pleased indeed.

im staying in a new condo, a transition condo actually. ive finally left that nest i shared with ex. will be having that unit face-lifted then leased. im staying in a bigger condo but its not something ill fix up. im just preparing for the transfer to my own place, a place i've built from ground up.

a different sense of fulfillment there. literally toiled to make another dream a reality. almost done but not quite. again, most of the dream elements are getting realized: the outdoor feeling with patios and balcony and deck. my architect is a great guy. he works with me, allows me to put in my design sense. works within my budget (almost).

the change involves revisiting objects and things collected throughout the years. memories rush in. old files and folders in the office. previous recognition. previous certificates. old photographs. in the condo, gifts of the past. more photos. more memorabilia. are they really memorable? previous behaviors. previous habits. previous emotions.

i walked into the condo, now empty. it looked new again, though still needing a fresh coat of paint.

i wasnt sad anymore. i was smiling.

i am pleased, very pleased.

i've moved out and moved on.

porn, my waning interest in

it must really be age. ive noticed that my interest in porn has reached almost zero levels. the few times ive popped a blue film was only because i wanted to get off in a different way. i could jerk off without porn stimulation easily. but for variety's sake, i'd watch my old films here. and i only have a few.

i remember the first x-rated film i watched. it was taboo. it was big when around high school to college. incest, basically. but it played on every pubescent boy's dream to make it with an older, experienced woman. i dont remember the title of the first gay x watched, but i still remember the high. i was able to borrow a VHS from a friend. i had to visit him at his school just to get the copy. and i rushed to the barkada hangout in sta cruz. it was a major event for all of the barkada. we were probably 2nd yr college then. and most of us had not even had sex yet. so just imagine that explosive combination of lust, curiosity and hormones kicking in at the same time. just seeing all those muscular bodies, big white powertools.

i wouldnt say i was really into it so much. but i did enjoy good porn then. i liked them handsome, big, muscular, usually white or latino. i like those with stories that lead up to sex. i like seduction scenes. i dont like s&m and i fast forward all those leather stuff. i actually put together some of the best scenes ive watched, recorded them in one vhs.

id borrow and exchange tapes with friends. tapes became discs. vcds to dvds. my appetite slowly waned. i couldnt stand to watch an entire movie. i start out the scene, wanting to see how it leads to sex then id cut to the cum part always. if im jerking off with it, id make sure i come together with the guys onscreen.

now that it is so available, so accessible, i have lost the interest. id probably stick around to see how the scene unfolds, and to see the sizes and shapes of their tools, their bodies. then that would be enough for me.

is it age? or is it because sex comes so easy now? or is it because ive pretty much 'tried and tasted' the fantasy? i really dont know.

i saw this clip and got turned on. i enjoyed the teasing. i enjoy the chase more than the catch.

The Talented Mr Ripley Who Deceived CC's Heart

Listen to part 1 here (16 mins 36 sec).

Download
this episode (right click and save)

credit Lola Madonna for Live to Tell. It Could Only be Madonna as background music.

toys i recommend

blu ray discs are simply amazing though simply expensive (compared to dvd). i didnt use to think that 'additional resolution blah blah' was worth it. i was quite happy with dvd quality movies, original ones or those masterfully copied from original ones. hence, i wasnt an 'early adopter' (term marketers use for those people who are usually first to 'adopt' a breakthrough product or service). even with flatscreens. yeah they looked nice but... i just didnt feel compelled to have one.

that investment in the LED tv fueled a desire to go hdmi all the way. so i finally got this blu ray disc player. even when the salesman was showing me a demo of the player, i was already floored with the quality. i was virtually speechless as he compared the same movie on blu ray and on dvd.

current prices of blu ray discs are at P1,500 - P1,800. pricey stuff. so i have resolved to buy only those i would want to watch over and over again. this is where my testosterone started asserting itself. it made more sense to buy big-budget adventure movies to see the stunning effects, with a good story to tell. im starting with the matrix reloaded and batman (dark knight). ironman blu ray is painfully out of stock.

my jaw dropped watching both films. you really, really do not need to go to the theatre anymore. visually stunning. and to think i havent made that investment in the home theatre equipment. that's for next level (and another reloading of deep pockets)

do they have kristen bjorn on blu ray? :)

serial sex

im on season 4 of x files. i watch this while in the car. im sure the driver is getting tired of hearing that x-files opening credits theme. i encounter serial killers over and over again. some of them have set numbers of victims before they hibernate for long periods. usually four or five victims. challenge of the duo is to get to the killer before he kills for the last time. mr tooms needed five livers for his genetic problem before he retreats into his self-made cocoon. african immigrant extracted pituitary glands of african-americans. he needed four to survive.

since cc became active again, he has had three different hook-ups every saturday. he's thinking that he needs just four before going back to fasting. yesterday, cc was on the look out. one more hook-up. he went to his friend's bar in qc. surveyed the place. nothing interesting. joined friends chatting and drinking. he notices from the corner of his eye this tall good-looking guy, being greeted by his friend with a warm hug. his focus narrows on this guy. he arranges an intro by his friend. he gets introduced to him, and his other good-looking pals.

unfortunately, when the guy opened his mouth to speak, attraction ended. not his type. enter his other friend, cute. jumps in and starts a conversation with cc. flirts. cc sizes up this cutie. not bad. looks like a willing receiver. they flirt. until he finds out cutie is from the same industry, competitor. he feels an invisible noose tighten. suddenly, it's just too hot. he excuses himself and leaves.

"cc, no take home??" asks his friend naughtily. cc smiles. "got to get up early."

saturday became sunday. no hook-up. missing one more for release.

sunday afternoon, cc goes to one of those spas. early bird that he is, he thought he'd be alone in the infamous wet area. there's another guy in the tub. as cc showers, guy gets next stall and overtly cruises him. cc tries to look oblivious. he goes to the dry sauna. guy follows. actually face is cute, tisoy, flabby. and very aggressive.

cc feels guy's knee brush against him. classic signal. cc doesnt budge. cc feels his hand on his thigh, going up to his crotch. cc watches should another guy come in. guy wastes no time licking and sucking his nipples, his hand caressing cc's c**k. cc watches him as he kneels in front of him, and takes him all in with his mouth. he attempts to kiss but cc turns his face. proceeds to blow him off, up and down his head bobs. cc grabs his head and thrusts it up his throat. he'd like to close his eyes but he doesnt dare let his guard down.

guy's good, really good. soon come is rising from within. cc mutters 'im near.. cummin na'. thinking guy might like to just jerk him off to release. but guy sucks him harder and harder until he comes inside his throat. guy laps it all up. no questions asked.

"ang sarap mo" he whispers. "ang sarap siguro kung i-f**k mo ako." cc pulls away. smiles. mutters. "yeah... sige kailangan ko ng maligo." guy jerks himself off as cc leaves, "thanks, sarap mo."

not exactly the hook-up he wanted. but enough to get him by. victim four done. time to hibernate.

BUI: mga walang katuturan

kagagaling ko lang sa inuman sa opisina. konti lang ang na-inom ko. pero feeling may-amats ako. eto ako ngayon, kumakain ng peras. craving ko sana chocolate kaso tataba ako. kaya peras na lang.

lumalakas ang patak ng ulan. ang ingay ng tama sa aircon.

parang nag-iinit ako kaso wala naman akong katabi. hmm. balikan ko na lang yung aking booking nung sabado. sa tagal kong nag-diet sa alam-mo-na, parang ang sarap-sarap na may kalaro. cute siya, kamukha ni oyo boy. gustong gusto ko yung accent niyang bisaya. malambing. kaya naman sa halikan palang, palaban na. sarap halikan ng kanyang labi! di nakakasawa! hahaha

at hanep sa performance. subo kung subo. parang kumakain ng pinakamasarap na putahe. nakapikit pa tapos titignan ako na parang masayang masaya siya sa ginagawa niya. sus! napapaliyad ako sa bawat subo, at ramdam na ramdam ko ang dila niyang mapaglaro.

act 1 pa lang yon. di rin tumagal ay pinadama ko na sa kanyang gusto kong pasukin siya. pinahiga ko siya sa kanyang tiyan at pumatong ako. gustong gusto niyang hinahalikan ko ang batok niya at kinakagat kagat,habang nararamdaman niya aking ari sa kanyang biluging puwet. at nung handa na siya ako naman ang pinahiga niya. mas gusto niyang siya ang uupo sa akin. para kontrolado ang pagpasok at maiwan ang sakit.

nahirapan siya nung umpisa ngunit di rin nagtagal at alam kong enjoy na siya. nasubukan namin ang ibat-ibang paraan ngunit da best talaga pag siya na aking nakahiga at nakataas ang mga paa. paborito kong posisyon yun! gustong gusto ko kasing hinahalikan siya habang tuloy tuloy ang labas pasok. at nakikita ko siyang nagsasariling sikap, sinasabayan ang aking mga galaw.

hanggang di na niya mapigilan, at ako rin... at sabay na kaming nilamon ng kaligayahan.

yan ang gusto ko sa kanya. kampante na kami sa isa't-isa kaya enjoy lang ng enjoy.

sige mga tol. pahinga na ako. sinabayan ko na rin ang pagblog ko. hahahaha

another triumph

Dear Diary,

I'm getting the hang of this! I've done it again. Expressed my feelings despite my fears. With no expectations. The honesty was appreciated. And again, it was liberating for me. Playing this pakiramdaman game was so tiring and ultimately, hurtful. Hopefully, Diary, I'll be always this way. I'll be straightforward and not beat around the bush.

I believe that by being honest especially about liking people, i affirm them. a natural consequence of doing things with love. again, not expecting anything out of the disclosure. except that they realize that they are special people.

I feel great. :)

expressing myself, finally

Dear Diary,

im proud of myself. i went out again with this uber-crush of mine, who happens to be very much attached. another non-date with him. i was surprised to receive a friendly text message from him this morning. i thought we have permanently lost touch with each other. well, on my end, it was quite deliberate not to continue communication. he remains in a relationship anyway.

but that text message quickly became a meet-up, only because i did say i was going to treat him for his birthday. but since i was wearing a different attitude this time, i wanted to stop playing coy with him and just be honest about how i feel for him. i just became tired of yet another date where we both are acting as if he doesnt know how special he is to me. so i was gathering enough courage to say it during the non-date. but i never got the chance.

coming home from the non-date, i suddenly felt that i still should express myself, if only through text. and after thanking him for a lovely time, i finally told him how i felt ...

'just delete this after reading. ive always wanted to say that you are such a great guy. if you were available, i would have fallen hard for you. so there, i just wanted to say it. no reply needed. good night!'

i still got a reply: three smileys. and that for me is enough. it is already liberating to have expressed how i felt. if he decides not to see me anymore, im fine with that. i feel really good and warm inside, knowing that i've managed to express myself, finally.

good night!

oscillations

i still struggle with the idea of casual sex versus my catholic faith. hence, i oscillate between phases of celiba-cc and pure indulgence. coming from the long weeks of celiba-cc, i am in an indulgent phase again.

fasting makes feasting so wonderful. so much pent-up desire results in award-winning performances and mind-blowing climax.

but cc is also changing. ive noticed that the pull of anonymous sex has weakened much. i havent indulged in that at all for months now. what used to be a temptation that i literally have to extricate myself from, has become a simple 'i-could-just-walk-away' situation.

casual sex is enjoyed now with 'friends'. i wouldn't even call them fubus. my understanding of a fubu is so transactional, even sports-like in engagement. i cannot enjoy sex that way. i need familiarity, attraction and loads of intimacy even after the sex, which i could only accomplish with 'friends'. so far, there's been a few who would willingly enjoy that with me. but some, i feel, expect more though they do not express it. there's this one person who doesnt seem to care about those things. i feel the genuine attraction and infatuation, even. but he knows his place.

he is one of those i enjoy sex intensely. he is such a willing giver. and he reserves the receptacle role for cc (or so he claims, though i feel truth to the claim, a tightness to the claim.) and the fact that there are no expectations yet much intimacy is the best.

as i turn the page on the search for TOFM, i'm thinking that this arrangement would be so ideal. as i express my love in my other relationships and stop needing a romantic one, i am also able to express my sexuality, glory in it with 'friends'.

but this ideal state was not the compromise situation i have arranged between my faith and me. and the guilt slowly creeps in. soon enough, i will be back to a phase of celiba-cc. and the cycle starts all over again.

the villa fabcast (i left na. but give it a listen anyway. hehehe)

Listen: (34 mins 49 sec)

Download this fabcast (right click and save - 33.4 MB)



[1] I left before this part so i'm actually clueless on how this ended.
[2] Music credit: "Boys & Girls" by the Pet Shop Boys.

sunday mass inspiration

what i love about attending mass during sundays is that i get these inspirational messages contemplating on His word. in my emo mode, i pray dearly, keep quiet and just wait for inspiration.

today, the message was 'acts of love, done lovingly' and 'do the everyday tasks with love.'

i was telling Him about this lonely, achy feeling. then i realized that focusing on what i lack, on this emptiness, will just feed on itself and cause me to descend deeper into emo-ness. i was pining for the love-high, that thrill, that rush to happen again. the message for me was that the love-feeling can also come from doing acts of love. again and again, love is an action verb. for me to 'feel the love', i should 'love', express my love to the people around. i should see how a thoughtful hug, or a little token brings smiles to faces. or just spending time and chatting could mean a world of difference. doing these acts of love, with love in my heart, always brings the love feeling... well, maybe its not that love-high, but certainly affirming and wonderful still.

its the behavior and attitude that will spell the difference.

beyond that, the task of living our lives everyday also become sources of love-feelings. maybe just typing that memo, being in that meeting with colleagues, all these activities could be done lovingly, with a conscious effort to send out love through such mundane tasks. you become aware that the things you do communicate. and it can communicate love, love of work, concern for each other, concern for customers and clients. it also becomes some of yardstick for good behavior. aware that you are doing these tasks and activities with love, you hesitate to be cynical or critical. you become open to opinions while being honest and diplomatic.

to get rid of these lonesomeness, do the act of love, do the everyday tasks with love. it comes back to you...

drawing from a 'drawing'

growing up with four sisters in the 70's, media/entertainment choices were limited. comicbooks that were all around the house were harvey comics titles like casper and wendy, little dot, little lotta, baby huey and richie rich. these comic characters were fun and funny. but i used to be puzzled why the subheadline for richie rich was 'the poor little rich boy'. with all that wealth, i was wondering how somebody could be so 'poor'.

reading through the series, i realized that the little kid, was really quite lonely. though he had servants galore, he was an only child wishing for companions, maybe even siblings. poor = lonely

decades after, im finally understanding little richie rich.

closure

after weeks of silence. matthew reached out with a message to him

i seek to understand why you did all this to me, because i was real and true to you, from the start.
not that im angry or bitter. i just want some closure with this episode of my life.
i really felt i was connecting with you. and up to this point, i wonder what was real, what was imagined, what was untrue.

but thank you, jacques, for giving me a chance to feel and dream again.

with this matthew closed a short chapter in cc's life. a chapter written 100% in the cyberzone.

problems of options

as a marketer, i've always believed that presenting too many options to consumers will ultimately be detrimental. limit the options and force consumers to choose from a few variants will lead to focus and better purchase chances. some studies have actually demonstrated the sudden decline in total purchases beyond a fixed number of variants.

i personally hate restaurants who have super-thick menus offering everything. i hate being stumped with a million choices. i want to eat in places which focus on some gastronomic specialty or cuisine.

on the other extreme is being left with no choice. which ultimately is like curtailment of certain freedoms.

so the middle ground is best, enough options to choose from, with clear benefits positioning of each option.

last night, i was presented with many potential romantic options or at least romantic-for-the-night options. candidates to the bachelor's affections. too many options, i ended up with the one most convenient, or probably the one most interested or most assertive. that ended months of celiba-cc. it was as good as it could get. but why do i feel so... pensive and brooding? why was it that with my eyes closed, it was his lips that i was kissing, his skin i was touching, his lashes i was looking at?

hmm

i answer my own questions. in the words of the great hannibal lecter: we covet what we cannot have.

it's the option that is no longer available that i want so much.

don't you just hate that when eating out?

"cc, the bachelor" update

the series is rumored to have started production again, with cc suddenly appearing from a self-imposed hiatus. all the candidates have received notice of the resumption and will be flown to an undisclosed location upon confirmation. it is rumored that the following have confirmed: john (HR practitioner), albert (call center, events), bacchus (events), jacob (flight attendant), enigma and moony. the others have either not received their notices or are still thinking about it.

producers, however, are arguing if they should include online candidates and whether this should become a beauty contest of sorts rather than a survivor-type competition. there is a faction interested in opening the field to tweeters and bloggers in all parts of the globe. however, online candidates must still come to manila from a certain period onwards, to avoid bogus personas.

we will give you more updates soon. reporting to you live...

consolation prize

part of coping is, of course, shopping. bought myself this new toy. for the past 10yrs, ive been sticking to my bulky sony crt 27". ive somehow managed to ignore plasma and lcd. but when samsung came up with led tv's, i couldn't play dedma this anymore. ultra-thin, mega bright contrasts and has the capability for wireless streaming from the computer, i knew i really wanted this. price has gone down considerably since its launch (by about 25%) but still in the premium bracket.

well, to console myself, i finally bought the 40" series 7. not too big but enough for my condo. im amazed at the colors. i have yet to be amazed at the resolution since the blu ray dvd is out-of-stock. but already im thinking 'where has this been all my life?' it really is awesome. i can even directly hook up a usb flash drive or hard drive (but only those that have its own power source) or my mac. im still determining how to get the wireless thing going, since ill be using my mac. visually, it's stunning in its thinness (you can never be too rich or too thin).

im now going to be spending nights watching dvd's again. alone. but that's fine.

next toy: the entry level av receiver by denon and a great 7.1 speaker system, perhaps by polk audio. (still thinking which to buy}.

bear mating season

someone forwarded this video to me. real life, i dont really go for bears. ive always liked them hunky and sexy. but what attracts me to watching some bear videos is the honesty. devoid of the vanity and self-adulation of the chiseled porn hunks, bears relate to each other with more honesty. the kisses are tender, the bear hugs (pun intended) are tighter. so even if videos like these dont turn me on, they actually make me feel warm and fuzzy. (another pun intended)

noynoy up close

sharing a table with a presidentiable, exchanging small talk, i got a close-up view of sen noy noy aquino. my impressions: he is no traditional politician. he definitely did not 'work the crowd' the way trapos usually do. he did his bit of hand-shaking, but it all seemed like he was still uncomfortable. honest and sincere. his track record: fiscalizer, putting corruption under control. he admits to ignorance, pledges to listen and learn. despite the receding hairline, there is youthfulness. definitely he has brains. he talks deliberately though he could go on and on.

i was one of those skeptical when he finally declared his presidency bid. but this brief encounter with the senator has made me take a more serious look at him as a serious contender, without having to consider his impeccable bloodline.

what made me fall

yes, another emo post. for some of you, please move on to another blog. for the rest....

why did i fall for you, my virtual boyfriend
your smile, your body, your honest eyes
all that i got from the pictures you sent me
but beyond the physical, i really felt a connection
a chemistry expressed in the long chats we had
you showed so much interest in me
you wanted to get to know me
you were listening to me, appreciating me
and making me feel loved
you gave me inspiration
a reason to wake up
and sleep late at night, every day
i so look forward to seeing that familiar avatar
on the YM screen
and i knew id be smiling again
and the emails, the love letters
i really felt so special, so wonderful



i miss the feeling

some good news

1) i was out buying stuff for the house construction with my architect. it was a very tiring day, going from one home depot to the other. when i was about to make a payment on our last stop i realized that i lost my wallet! my architect remained cool and we tried to remember when i last drew money for a payment. upon recalling, he called up that home depot and calmly mentioned that a wallet was probably left at the cashier. after a few moments, he was told that they did find my wallet, and i could claim it at the security area.

i rushed and was greeted by these nice security people of ortigas home depot. my wallet must have slipped from my backpocket at the entrance area, where a delivery person saw it on the ground. and it was promptly turned over to the security. everything remained intact. and i was so grateful to God for such nice people! yes, there remains a lot of nice, honest people out there!

2) it was time for my fitness first weigh in. the last time was in june where i showed significant improvements in my weight, my fat-free mass etc. this time, i finally got the goal

im 0.6lbs away from my ideal weight. my fat% is down to 19.3%, nearer the ideal lower limit of 17%. i maintained my fat-free mass of 113.2lbs!

success! part exercise, part diet, part illness. LOL. and that was after 2 weeks of not working out. just need to get my strength back (which is at 60% at this point) and maintain this. well, gain more muscle mass and i would have finally achieved a long cherished goal!

im sleeping soundly tonight.

the villa fabcast (i was still here.hehe)

LISTEN - this is PART 1 (23 mins 35 sec):

Download this fabcast (right click and save - 21.6 MB)




Credits: Podcast production by Mcvie. Music credits - "Mahirap Talaga Magmahal Ng Syota Ng Iba" by the APO Hiking Society; and "Another Girl" by The Beatles; and "Girls & Boys" by Blur.

the flirting game

lobster and cc were ganging up on mcvie (with a lot of help from kiko).

mcvie - my paradigm: id like to start out as friends. id like friendship to be the foundation of a potential relationship.
kiko, interrupts - and be stuck as friends?
lobster - you have your lifetime to be friends. romance is so fleeting. why skip that?
cc - you need to show interest beyond friendship right at the start.
you need to flirt, mcvie.
have you ever liked anyone in our parties? ive never seen you flirt at our parties. you're always this gracious hostess.
lobster - you're so maternal, so responsible. you always want to make sure everybody's taken cared of. hey, that's not your problem anymore.
cc - if you like someone, you gotta show it. you got to flirt!

i love the flirting game, not that im such an expert. but the few times that i do indulge successfully, it was wildly satisfying (even if it didnt end up on a horizontal position!)

mcvie and lobster turn to me. get tips from cc.

tips from me? you dont expect me to give away my trade secrets, do you?

well, for the sake of conversation. its typical communication theory. 80% is not said. your eyes, your body communicate. show interest with a 100% all-there presence. no darting eyes left and right.

you dont need to have body contact. but your body should show openness. fence him in just to show that 'id rather be alone with you'.

conversation? if you are interested, then ask and listen. less talk about yourself. let him do the talking. wit is a definite advantage but sincerity wins out in the end.

dont be too forward. be sensitive to his cues, too (eyes and body movement). you need not have a loooong conversation. if time is short, cut to the chase and ask for phone no.

and even if you get the brush off, just be cool and smile. at the very least, he could become a friend.

p.s. it can happen anywhere.

life of quiet desperation

i finally woke up.
it was a beautiful dream... a dream that lasted
for more than two months.
i didnt realize how desperation was building up inside of me.
until i read my blogposts leading up to
the that time when he came into my cyberlife.
alone for more than a year and a half by that time
i was convincing myself that i was good
that i was good alone
but a part of me kept on hanging on to dear hope
and that part was becoming desperate
the timing was perfect, impeccable
he, all one's and zero's, gave me a vision
of a beautiful life together
of interest in me and my life
there were signs that i should have read
bells and whistles at different points
but i didnt care
and so it ends
abrupt as it may seem
i wake up, jolted back into reality
that i remain alone
the flame remains burning
but it will slowly die
it will not be blown off
it will just run out of precious air
another drawer, another file folder
appended, categorized, labeled
filed and archived
in the hollow cavern of my heart

the PLU career series

didnt want to audaciously assume that id be dishing out career advice. but i do receive career queries from time to time, from well-meaning PLU's perhaps just starting out on their careers.

for those readers, here is probably a regular column on careers from someone who's been at it for quite sometime.

itching to jump ship?

man, i get complaints from people who hate where they are right now. they can't wait to get out of the rut they are in. sorry to hear about that.

first reaction: unemployment everywhere is rising. decades-high rate in the u.s. thank heavens you are employed. seriously. for the sake of paying the bills, maintaining that gym membership, and that malate lifestyle, keep the job.

yeah, yeah. it sucks. you have a gazillion reasons not to stay. but now is not the time. and once you are part of the unemployed, the longer you stay unemployed, the less attractive you become in the job market. it's a vicious cycle.

so what to do? keep that job. do it right. no matter how much it sucks. learn to love it, because that's the surefire way of excelling in it. you gotta work at excellence, giving it your best shot every time. no sloppy paperwork. make every little thing look like you put a lot of thought into it.

ok. from time to time you might slacken. but that should be the exception, not the rule.

go for the brownie points, for that seal of approval from some higher up. that's how you improve the resume. not by jumping from one ship to another.

silence

not a word. not a buzz. not a smiley.
an imagined reality?
an imagined emotional connection?

i survived dengue
my body was strong enough

will my heart endure
this emotional hemorrhage

of course it will, silly cc

i just wish there was no silence.
i just wish there would be angry words.
a hate email.
anything. just not this

silence.

where art thou

your ecuadorian rose
your chocolate truffles
i had them with me
i waited
and waited

this was what i saw
an empty terminal

j.a.s.: matthew VI

it boils down to this last day of waiting. by this time tomorrow, his plane will be touching down on manila soil. after months of correspondence, of long chats and sweet emails, jacques was finally coming back to manila.

so many things have happened in between that first message to this point. and he has tried to take stock of all that has transpired.

chatting everyday was some sort of accelerated getting to know process for them. allotting an hour or two forced them to talk about things about themselves that would normally take months to disclose. from the mundane (what shampoo do you use? do you snore?) to the deep and dark (what moments in your life were you most ashamed of? what were the painful lessons of your previous relationships?) these exchanges are precious to matthew. these gave him glimpses of a jacques that chooses to be honest and true. and he could only return such honesty with his own truthfulness.

soon, they will be meeting in person for the first time. matthew is this bundle of emotions. certainly excited, thrilled at the thought of finally seeing him, holding him, touching him. then there is the anxiety. the terrible what if's: if he doesnt like me in person? if we dont pick up the way we do online? if he changes his mind?

they have started to make many plans, immediate, short-term, medium-term, all beautiful. even as the fears and anxieties and uncertainties remain.

one thing he is sure of: his life is about to change, in a big major way. and this is something he has been preparing for, all his life.

cc the torrent file

blood extraction every 12 hours
49,000
59,000
68,000
80,000

im like this torrents movie you are downloading.
and its taking forever

50% complete


60% complete


80% complete


with no indication of how many hours, days it would take to complete

cc the movie is taking forever to download. not enough people downloading, not enough copies circulating. hehe

cc and hospitals

ive been hospitalized four times in my four decades plus of existence:

at the age of 6, i tripped going up the stairs and suffered a major wound on my right brow. that was traumatic for poor cc. my own dad performed the surgery, telling me sternly to stop crying like a girl.

at the age of 10, i had a spinal cord injury from a hard blow on my nape by a classmate while playing in the swimming pool. if it was not properly managed, i would have been paralyzed from neck down. i had to wear neck brace for months after. and endure humiliation from cruel classmates.

at the age of 22, after my first trip to the south, i came down with hepatitis. that was a long stay. it started as severe tummy ache, a bloated feeling. then the jaundice came and the severe itchiness that came with it. even as the symptoms subsided, i wasnt discharged due to high SGPT levels (im no technical person. i was told that high levels of this meant that my liver was not fully functional and compromised) i stayed in the hospital for 10 days. i was going crazy.

now, two decades after, im back in the hospital. and im back to waiting for results. even as im being treated for typhoid with aggressive antibiotics, they are also monitoring my platelet count that plummeted recently. yes, dengue. fever is gone, im feeling much better but i can't go anywhere. they need to see that platelet count go up within normal levels! the waiting is back. and it is equally frustrating.

one thing i noticed about myself, im disinclined to receive visitors. i feel so obligated to entertain people who visit me and i end up tired. after one day of receiving some friends and colleagues, i told my secretary i will not receive visitors.

i do enjoy the flowers and food from suppliers and friends. but im now up to my neck with fresh fruits. i really appreciate the gesture but i dont know how to say that such tokens would be best appreciated if donated to ondoy victims. im getting crankier the longer i stay here in the hospital.

hands down, i enjoy male nurses more than the females. sorry, it's just that the females end up being too pa-cute. (except for this one stern looking lady! she's actually quite pretty but her glasses, her hair, made her look so menacing! hehe)

as cc continues to age, he'll probably be seeing hospitals more often. and let's see how his perceptions change as he frequents this institutions more and more.

what the *@#!!$%%?!

somebody named 右脳左脳チェッカー

left this as a comment on an old post of mine

パーティーや合コンでも使える右脳左脳チェッカー！あなたの頭脳を分析して直観的な右脳派か、理詰めな左脳派か診断出来ます。診断結果には思いがけない発見があるかも！みんなで診断して盛り上がろう

and this is not the first time. this person has been posting comments on the same post over and over again.

what the f**k? i dont even understand this. do you?

its typhoid fever

my blood tests came out positive for salmonella typhii. that's what's been eating up my body for the past days.

hospitals. bland hospital food. yucky hospital pajamas. saving grace: a lot of goodlooking nurses around. surprisingly.

i might have to stay a while, until my condition normalizes. wrong timing. so much work pending at the office. then there's class. oh well.

im still blessed its not dengue. nor AH1N1. and still better off than the victims of ondoy. i really feel so sad for all of them.

nursing myself back to health, now that i know what the culprit is.

hitting rock bottom

this caught my attention. and exemplifies for me what has become of friendster. i must say that the copy and the visuals are totally in synch. you will never have to second guess this guy.

to the tops of this world, i introduce insatiable bottom. contact at your own risk. you may want to secure his HIV status first.

breakfast at tiffany's

this was one classic i never got to watch until now. i didnt know what ive been missing!

its a delightful movie. the treatment is very light, even fanciful. but i found that on another level, the movie is actually quite profound. holly is simply a charmer but also very lost and sad. she has her dreams and tries her best to use her assets to get what she wants. she encounters paul, writer and boytoy as her upstairs neighbor. they are drawn to one another. paul falls in love, holly pulls away.

the ending, of course, is still that hollywood kiss, as realizations happen and true love is acknowledged. there is a sadness in the way the movie actually progresses. and only true love dispels that.

i like that they are actually quite the same. holly comes out as even more true to herself since paul hides behind his writer facade.

thoroughly enjoyable. and i didnt even begin to talk about the clothes! :)

another fabcast: advice to the lovelorn

this is when the bitchin started... this time, the punching bag is hapless mcvie! HARHARHAR


LISTEN: (28 mins 48 sec)

Download this episode (right click and save - 27.65 MB)

her accuracy

she actually predicted this illness of mine now. at the time of the reading, she was worried about my health. kept repeating that concern over and over again. she advised me not to go out of town. or ill come back sick. not out of the country but out of town.

i actually forgot about that. i went to the resort where the fabcasters + guests spent overnight. id consider that out of town, being bulacan area. it was hot and humid, the conversation was hilarious, and i was sweating like a pig. i didnt bring any change of clothes. when i got to the car, i had to take my shirt off to dry. that was a wrong move: sweaty all over, naked from waist up with a/c full blast. baaaaad idea.

then i worked out. and again, sweated like a pig (outednarnian even said .... yuck, you're so sweaty!!! hmmp). i was still feeling great.

following day i started to feel bad: some colds, chills and fever. but had to go to work anyway. then it was off to being with my secretary as promised (birthday treat). we even went to angeles city (another out of town-er) for sisig. i started to feel the highs and lows. body aches. arrgh.

i skipped some appointments in the afternoon of the following day. but i needed to attend that meeting in the morning. went for massage. felt a little better. then i started feeling bad again. (it didnt help that i actually bumped into ex there, with his lover)

and the story goes on and on. alternating feeling of good and bad. no colds, no coughs. just body ache, fever and chills. i was reading my sister's email (she's in beijing) same thing happened to her. virus really different now.

i might need to confirm that at the hospital tomorrow, if i continue to feel bad.

should have listened.

in my life

i guess by this time, most PLU's have braved the queues and watched this film. i dont blame them. i loved the film. it's not so much a gay-themed movie. it's a mother's journey. it remains very mainstream, with some formula scenes thrown here and there (the dancing, the make-over, the confrontation scenes). but still it captures the heart. dialogues remain real and sincere. best emo scene: that final scene when mother shirly tells noel that this proposal is for her not him, then that tension is quickly broken up by some humor. wonderful touch.
i'm quite proud at how far the mainstream has gone in weaving the gay reality into its themes. and we only have an entire generation of indie film directors to thank for it.
it doesnt have the breadth of those acclaimed thai movies, bangkok love story and love of siam. but it doesnt have to. because for me, it's as pinoy as fishballs and dirty ice cream. and even as i praise those movies, i remain proud of this and other seminal pinoy films, that do not try to be anything but pinoy in its theme, treatment and attitude.
(SPOILER ALERT) and yes, i was trying to hold on to those tears from falling. but i gave in, especially during the wake.

the lake house

nothing like being in the throes of romantic love to seek more of that emotional high from other sources. ive been wanting to get my fill of romantic movies, with enough drama (and facial tissue around). relived that feeling after watching 'the lake house'. loved the twilight zone-ish storyline, tied to a mailbox, the wormhole between two time periods.

i really got into the movie, relating so well to the constant communication between kate and alex despite the time divide. people surrounding them look at them with this look of suspicion, reserved for looney tunes and loose screws. but they feel, they love nonetheless.

"listen, while it lasted she was more real to me than anything i have ever known. i saw her. i kissed her. i love her. and now she's gone."

i couldnt have said it better myself.

what is real, what is not? who is to say that the person i love, i touch through my keyboard, with my pen is not real because he is not here physically.

and with that i suddenly felt that distance between us just melted.

what has become of... friendster?

from time to time, i still check this archaic account of mine in friendster. as they try to be ala-fb, can't help but notice this updated updates portion showing mostly the new friends added by friends. why? because most of my friendsters seem to be adding uber-hot friends to their lists! all im seeing are pics and profiles of gorgeous bodies all in display.

as i was telling my friend earlier on, katawan is the currency of cyberspace. the distinction between the g4m's of this world and the more legit networking sights have blurred.

i can also imagine the high of receiving such positive comments of adulation, adoration. no wonder these hot guys just keep on posing and posting! and i keep viewing and viewing. :)

lovely dinner with a couple in love

just came from a lovely dinner, hosted by a friend in his new fabulous condo. just 5 of us. one of the guys introduced his soon-to-be boyfriend to us. nice, hot guy. charming investment banker based abroad but travels to manila every other week. they were such a coosome twosome, holding hands, kissing, so passionate with one another.

they are still trying to get to know each other more, hence, the situationship they are in. and typical of newly weds, they were actually talking about their quarrels and spats, almost bragging about it to us who were without partners there.

im suddenly missing you so much. im wishing you joined me at this party. i would have wanted to be as sweet to you as they were, or even more (within the boundaries of propriety) time is like this gigantic tortoise slowly making its way from the beach to the shore. and i watch it move. and im impatient because you are not yet with me.

im missing you badly.

j.a.s.: jacques IV

it's been a month and a half since matthew and jacques have been talking.. well chatting, really...and even if they're oceans apart, they manage to keep the lines of communication open and very honest.

and they both know that in no time soon they'll finally meet in person. at last!

recuperating from the accident has given jacques much time on his hands. and for the most part, it's all about thinking of matthew. as jacques reminisced the past days, weeks, a month, he was slowly realizing that he, jacques, single for the almsot a year now, is falling in love with matthew.

jacques knew its too early, but that's just his mind talking. his heart tells him otherwise. but he maintains a sober outlook. he will let all the ingredients blend well together, slowly, surely and when the recipe is finally complete then thats the time, that's time he will tell himself that he has made the best recipe ever, his recipe of love.

sometimes he wonders, what can he do? could he actually stop himself from falling for matthew.?... or is it really fate leading jacques to fall for him? sometimes unexpected things happen for a reason... and no matter how hard one resists, the events just unfold. and feelings just develop.

risk is on its highest but once you're feeling the love then there's no turning back. the one thing jacques is sure of is that they have agreed to commit to each other. matthew owns jacques and jacques owns matthew.